those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Friday, June 30, 2006

shit hit the fan

he is finally gone, it took less than 6 years for him to go nuts and get kicked out
once again a woman gave up on him....
i loved him so much, not physically but emotionally, he was so kind, and gentle when sober, but....such an asshole when drunk...and, got more stupid everday after 5 years NOTHING MAKES anysense anymore...

now that he is out of the house maybe my life will start making sense?
but...I miss the phone calls in the middle of the day, asking "hey woman what you doing?"
there was a time we talked but, it got to the point, if he was drunk, he talked a short time then he was out of control, and nothing but fighting...he drinks less but out of control faster, it was escalating
he felt so hopeless, put himself into the state mental hosptial, but didnt like being there asked to be let out. He lasted less than two weeks at living up to the rules of no drinking, go to work, and, going to meetings
he couldnt do it....he left for 36 hours with out letting me know where he was..i was calling and begging him to come home, which was the LAST THING i should have been doing but, I wanted him to know how much he was loved and needed...
I felt sorry for him and didnt want him to feel so hopeless, but, obviously he doesnt want me or be with me, just another rejection....in life....altho he says I should not be so egotistical, its not rejection of me its just his inability to not drink....

his sanity times were shorter and shorter....
he used to make it 6 weeks sober...
Was I that hard to live with?

I just want to understand the mind of an alcoholic
the treatment centers arent helping them, but sure cost plenty of dough!

Is there an answer?
Scientology claims to have the answer, but, it is brainwashing, however, church does the same thing, why is is so difficult to hang on to the message from the church?
each church teaches basically the same thing but, each one has its own flavor, and, most of what i have found most dont really want to deal with hurting people...
Just like the lady I met recently...she is one of the CRAZIEST people I have EVER KNOWN....all types of diagnosis, but...no one wants to be around her, I dont even want to but....She is hurting so badly, her tears just ran down her face, poor child, she just wants a "normal" life....instead of being on disability....
but she lives in a tiny room, having to keep her important things in a travel bag and carry them downstairs with her because she says people get into her things.
If it is true or not she is phycho, but at the same time hurting so badly.

I just hope and Pray God will show me how to help her, I couldnt help Him, he wanted his life, not what I had to offer....
he said he did, but obviously he didnt....



I know its in Gods hands now, nothing can be done for him, no one can do anythig for him he has to pull himself up....
and he doesnt think he can....

i just hope he doesnt end it all as he has said many times, and, never been able to do...
not being able to hear from him is difficult but, at least i cant call him, i kept his phone!
He is out there with out money, wiht out phone, and will most probably find another sugar momma to keep him in booze and a place to live....I guess I was pretty stupid for putting up with him for so long, I just wanted him to know I believed in him, and our dream of the best bbq!!! but dreams are gone, spirit is almost gone...
with out spirit, no dream, no vision...no life....
where will it go from here?
either up or down
if I live with Faith, it HAS TO GET BETTER because that is what they keep telling me, but, for over 30 years it hasnt gotten better it keeps getting WORSE!

all perspective...all the way you look at it, so far i have not been able to see the blessings in any of the life changes i have had in the last 30 years
just al ot of heart ache and pain...
please help me see the blessings....


any one out there?
they say blogs draw over 8 million people a day....DOES ANYONE READ ME?

anyone out there?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Chocolate set to conquer the health-food market�|�Reuters.com

Chocolate set to conquer the health-food market�|�Reuters.com

Goodnews for the chocolate lover!!!!

What a 36 hour day its been!

After going to the nuthouse to get my nut out, we had a wonderful weekend, talked about a future, talked about our plans, and enjoyed the time of being back together..,....or, so I thought....
at 10:30 on Monday morning, he came into my office and told me he was going to the next town for a job interview, saying it sounded pretty promisiing for a job starting in two weeks. Overjoyed I praised God and we prayed together asking for the blessing of employment and getting back on our feet.
That was over 36 hours ago, he has not been home since. I made a missing persons report yesterday after him being gone 24 hours. Finally last night at 9 he called to let me know he was ok, he would be home in 5 hours. He had gone to his "hometown" to face his demons.....ok....so....once again, forgiveness, I felt he was showing a sign of really trying to make life right.
NOW....12:30 he is still not home!

I must be the stupidist person on earth to keep believing this guy!

Friday, June 09, 2006

long time

Its been a long while since I had time to just sit and write.
It seems life keeps me busy, but, im not accomplishing anything!
I went to a program the other day given by a fellow highschool student. She was always the brains in the class, way above all of us other students. She is a Dr. of Divinity, music major, has written several books, travels to the Holy Lands, has worked on archilogical digs, song writer, and Professor at the local Bible College here in town. So much in her 53 years, and I have NOTHING TO SHOW for my labors.
That is enough to depress me big time!
All in the name of love have I stood by my men, until I couldnt stand anylonger, each time, giving up everything for my freedoms.
Now, here I sit once again, wating for my man to get grow his balls and GROW UP!
THEY DONT GROW UP, just grow OLD!

While he is in the state hospital trying to figure out what is wrong with him, I struggle to pay bills, and keep things afloat, I wish I had the chance to go to the hospital and find ME! But, floating thru life with no direction seems to be my way of life.

While he is gone, I should be able to have time for me, but, with trying to keep bills paid, I find myself busier than normal at work, and, had 17 hours over time, but, the church doesnt want to pay me over time, so, told me to take the days off!
WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL! I NEED THE DOLLARS! NOT THE TIME OFF, but, am trying to find the blessing in having the time off instead of the extra money!
One good thing came about, partner had taken on painting a house for a guy at the church, and, with his "dissapearing" to the hospital, his brother took over painting, but was doing a crappy job, so the guy didnt want to pay for the job, Partner told the guy he would make it right when he gets out, but that I needed the money to stay afloat. He evaded me daily, walked around the church as to not have to talk to me in the office, and I finally confronted him on his ignoring me and trying to not have to pay me, knowing I was depending on the money to come in. He stumbled a bit knowing he has been caught. We talked about the situation, and, I left it up to the Lord last night. This morning he showed up with the promised amount of $$, and told me he knew we would do the job when partner gets out of the hospital! I cried, feeling rather badly knowing he was paying for a job not well done! BUT we will make it right!

I will make it thru this, I just hope partner is capable of holding on to some of the gentleness and goodness God is showing him, and me!

I am going to the hospital tomorrow to see partner, I sure hope he has a spark of life in him, the last time I saw him he looked so hopeless.
He hasnt sounded too much better on the phone, but I do know they have been sending him to a lot of classes, such as anger management etc
He needs group support in child abuse issues, and, hopefully, he can learn to let it go, and move on...

It is easier to build a child, than to fix an adult....which is the scarey part, but, I am believing GOD CAN HEAL HIM!