breaking thru?

Today in session with pastor, he broke thru some things with me,
one that i have walked for 30 years with out any spousal covering, the load has just gotten so immensely heavy and, i have been PISSED at GOD! not in those words, and, I didn't even really admit i was pissed until we were in the truck on the way home....
sooooooo, not even sure Pissed is the right word, always knowing being angry is an option but not wanting to choose to be, i tried to candy coat it???? or something like that....

I know the pity party i had for me was really kind of a grieving thing, giving up family, giving up dreams, giving up self....feelings of being such a failure, looser, and unworthy skum.....
thank you for being there for me....

Knowing that when Jesus was talking to his disciples telling them if they wanted to be like him, they had to drink from the cup, and, take the life he has walked.....
I think I have always backed away at that point, not wanting to totally give up self to allow him to be totally with in me....

I talked to pastor about my anger of having to be back in hometown usA, etc, he even admitted he didn't want to come back here after they had been away from it while in the city up north!!! He said, you wont find any condemnation from me on your anger for not wanting to be back here....(HAHA), then spoke about the challenges set before us for being back here, and that God chose us to be here for a purpose!

Anyway, just wanted to bring you up to where I am at this moment...
trying to unload the bedroom, to get it started on paint project, since I really feel we need to get this thing done before we end up working jobs and wont feel like working when we get home..
we have waisted way too much time already....

I start a itsy bitsy job tonight for Gophers, Fri and Sat nights, but at least it will be something for a while till something else comes along.

its been a while

its been a while since I have been here, been trying to go to church, and feel the effects.
My partner was delivered from his alcoholism, and, we still cant really "believe"
I feel like one of those poems that gets passed around, stating "God show me a miracle" and then still keep asking for more!
I guess not being able to find a job is keeping me in limbo, knowing my age, my unfit physical shape, makes me
not want to even look for a job anymore.
I was hoping to find something online which would bring in the dollars, one hears of people making all of this money
online, but yet when I have invested in so many different programs, and, cant make them work, it just makes me feel as tho I am just too stupid to live!

its been a while

Only to find me in the nowhere land of lala land!
I have been doing the church thing, wanting it to be totally real, but, somehow still not so sure!
my partner is free from alcohol because of prayer and willingness to let go, and let god, but, I think he is in the same space as I am, not being totally sure we believe!
I feel like one of those poems that asks God to prove himself, so he sends all types of miracles, and I still cant believe!
Being unable to find a decent job, and, not being able to see any open doors, knowing there are people online who make their livings off of online dealings, but I just feel too stupid to make it work, I have p ut a lot of money out on online business deals, and always end up loosing my butt!
What do I do?
where do I turn?
no one can seem to help me....
Fighting depression sux....