Well, another day, with no direction.
Some times I feel as tho Im just floating in space with no one around me.
I try posting messages on community boards, only to have them totally ignored.
On one imparticular, there has been over 1800 views, and only 4 responces to what i have had to saw. Talk about feeling like an alien!!!
I dont understand how some people can have a drive, a passion, something to do with their lives.
Or, in the Christian realm, people talk about GOD told them to do this, or, they felt led to go forth.....the only led I have ever felt is lead in my pocket. There have been times I have done things for others which I know was GOD speaking to me, but, felt as tho no one cared that I put my foot forward, I guess I just would like some notice, I would just like to feel significant to someone else.....some justification for being alive..
since my parents died, I feel as tho no one cares if I am alive or dead...
my son didnt even call me to tell me he had bought a house with his girlfriend....I had to find out by callng, asking what he was doing, only to be told, moving into a house they had bought.
The one and only friend online that really can communicate with me, is dying of cancer, what can I do for him?
Life just doesnt make sence to me.....just once, I wish I could see the picture in front of me....
Monday, January 31, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
FloriDUH!
We spent two months in FloriDUH, and, I honestly can say I AM SO HAPPY to be back in COLD KANSAS! The weather in Florida was wonderful, the few people we got to know in our trailer court were nice enough, but, there are WAY too many people in FLORIDA!
and, if it isnt swamp ground, pine tree groves, or lake water, it is commericalism at its highest!!!!
TOOO MANY PEOPLE, and, slave labor wages. I HATED IT!
Why do people converge there, if only for the weather, it is CRAZY!!!!
Kansas has had a terrible ice storm, thousands of people ended up loosing power, trees were downed all over and it looks like a tornado went thru with all the trees broke like match sticks.
We came home because we couldnt find jobs there, and, came back, now, to what?
I feel so lost, and bewildered, where do I go from here.
Guidence, GOD U & I DANCE.....I love that.....now, I just have to find my dancing partner.....
and, if it isnt swamp ground, pine tree groves, or lake water, it is commericalism at its highest!!!!
TOOO MANY PEOPLE, and, slave labor wages. I HATED IT!
Why do people converge there, if only for the weather, it is CRAZY!!!!
Kansas has had a terrible ice storm, thousands of people ended up loosing power, trees were downed all over and it looks like a tornado went thru with all the trees broke like match sticks.
We came home because we couldnt find jobs there, and, came back, now, to what?
I feel so lost, and bewildered, where do I go from here.
Guidence, GOD U & I DANCE.....I love that.....now, I just have to find my dancing partner.....
battle of good over evil
It seems there is a definate battle, making one wonder if anyone else seems to notice all things work together. There are days that nothing seems to matter, everyone just moves in and out of my life but there is no notification of being here or there, just doing their own thing.
BUT, what if, there is organization to the caos?
What if we are put here for a reason, each day a piece of that reason is revealed, and we can only hope to see the whole picture after its put together? What if we are all on a Carnivale, on a ride thru life, to find the missing piece's
Does it just happen that one picks up a stranger off of the roads?
Is it just a happening that the carnivale, has a seer, has a profit, has a knower of all things.....
and the stranger is to put the pieces together?
The tree, what is with the tree.....
the "profit" preacher, notice i didnt say "Prophet" preacher says his first word he learned in English Bible was GARDEN.....
he has the tree tattooed on his body , the tree Ben sees in his dreams, in his life, in his wonderings.....
His radio message reaches more in a second than all of Jesus Christ in his whole life time
What is his message?
His thoughts about salt, is it a curse from above? Salt comes down our faces in labor as sweat
Salt is a leach which sucks out the land, or, Salt is something to season our foods, white and pure, does it increase our vision of GOD?
Is this preacher cursed, or blessed?
As the old preacher who raised him and his sister watched in paralized wonder, the profit preacher, sins in front of his paralized father. He had a stroke from earlier on while trying to speak out the words that he felt the preacher is possessed.
Why does he feel this guy is possessed? How does he see the darkness in his soul?
As the old preacher sits in his chair, and watches, the profit preacher, looks to see if he is being watched, then, continues to spill his milk, and, brings the maid in to clean up the mess, and asks if her mother taught her how to pray, as he puts her head into his crotch............
She is the willing worker wanting to make her master happy.....
Has everything we have been taught about good and evil, in front of us or blurred visions
God Talked to Adam, Adam didnt understand how to communicate with his GOD?
Was woman the go between?
Has woman been disrespected because she wished to love her GOD, and Worship her God, and communicate, and dance with GOD?
As we go thru life, there are those around us who give and take, we give and take, if it is done as a dance between two people it is communication, if we jolt, and revolt, it is caos....
As we see those around us who have sinned, or led lives we judge to be not normal in our own standards, does it make them bad, sinners? Dont we all do what we have to do to survive?
Are there not times when we walk on the dark side to get to the lighted highways?
As a man pulls Ben out of his truck telling him he has something to show him, Ben gets out and sees his abnormal daughter standing at the truck, the old man tells Ben, she is retarded and wont tell anyone, $2.00 take her on the back of the truck, she is good and tight.....
Ben is in discust, but, sees the need in the old man to sell his daughter for what little money he can get for them to survive..... Ben holds the old mans head, wants to spit in his face, but, instead turns to love and understanding and tells him to not do it anymore, the old man in repentance cries, I wont.....I wont do it anymore....and leaves....
BUT, what if, there is organization to the caos?
What if we are put here for a reason, each day a piece of that reason is revealed, and we can only hope to see the whole picture after its put together? What if we are all on a Carnivale, on a ride thru life, to find the missing piece's
Does it just happen that one picks up a stranger off of the roads?
Is it just a happening that the carnivale, has a seer, has a profit, has a knower of all things.....
and the stranger is to put the pieces together?
The tree, what is with the tree.....
the "profit" preacher, notice i didnt say "Prophet" preacher says his first word he learned in English Bible was GARDEN.....
he has the tree tattooed on his body , the tree Ben sees in his dreams, in his life, in his wonderings.....
His radio message reaches more in a second than all of Jesus Christ in his whole life time
What is his message?
His thoughts about salt, is it a curse from above? Salt comes down our faces in labor as sweat
Salt is a leach which sucks out the land, or, Salt is something to season our foods, white and pure, does it increase our vision of GOD?
Is this preacher cursed, or blessed?
As the old preacher who raised him and his sister watched in paralized wonder, the profit preacher, sins in front of his paralized father. He had a stroke from earlier on while trying to speak out the words that he felt the preacher is possessed.
Why does he feel this guy is possessed? How does he see the darkness in his soul?
As the old preacher sits in his chair, and watches, the profit preacher, looks to see if he is being watched, then, continues to spill his milk, and, brings the maid in to clean up the mess, and asks if her mother taught her how to pray, as he puts her head into his crotch............
She is the willing worker wanting to make her master happy.....
Has everything we have been taught about good and evil, in front of us or blurred visions
God Talked to Adam, Adam didnt understand how to communicate with his GOD?
Was woman the go between?
Has woman been disrespected because she wished to love her GOD, and Worship her God, and communicate, and dance with GOD?
As we go thru life, there are those around us who give and take, we give and take, if it is done as a dance between two people it is communication, if we jolt, and revolt, it is caos....
As we see those around us who have sinned, or led lives we judge to be not normal in our own standards, does it make them bad, sinners? Dont we all do what we have to do to survive?
Are there not times when we walk on the dark side to get to the lighted highways?
As a man pulls Ben out of his truck telling him he has something to show him, Ben gets out and sees his abnormal daughter standing at the truck, the old man tells Ben, she is retarded and wont tell anyone, $2.00 take her on the back of the truck, she is good and tight.....
Ben is in discust, but, sees the need in the old man to sell his daughter for what little money he can get for them to survive..... Ben holds the old mans head, wants to spit in his face, but, instead turns to love and understanding and tells him to not do it anymore, the old man in repentance cries, I wont.....I wont do it anymore....and leaves....
Sunday, January 02, 2005
soul searching
I came to FloriDUHH to do some soul searching, only to find out it is totally lost....how, do I find it?
horrific disaster
The tsunami came with out warning, it took hundreds of thousands of people along with it, leaving total devistation in the Asian side of the world.
People are donating money and volunteering their services like never before. But, then, we have never seen such a dissaster as this before.
I cant help but wonder, If this had happened to the atlantic coast of America, or, Pacific coast of America would the world reach out in the same manner?
My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, the mothers whose arms are empty for lost children, not one, but maybe two, maybe several all gone in a amoment of unforgivable and unforgettable time.
For children who cry for their momma's or pappa's, or both, gone, never having a chance to grow up under their parents love and concern.
Tourists who went to live a few days of paradise, now, living in the hell of perhaps a loved one who will never go home with them, or, never knowing exactly what has happened to them, their bodies buried in open pits, pushed asside in a trench by a bulldozer, or, put aflame to burn away the stench. Or even perhaps, floated away to a long distance land, to be washed up on a far off island, or even worse. Oh death where is thy sting.....
Where is God in all of this?
Is this but a test to see how human kindness comes out and gives of their hearts to unknown people, giving of their time, money, food, and labor? Are we being tested but once again to give rather than to take? To bring peace between warring countries but even for a moments time, to give a helping hand instead of killing each other?
For a nation to put aside their desires to rule over another, or push their belief's upon those who do not wish to accept them? Showing a power of one God over another?
Where is the logic in life, where is the completeness of putting a puzzle together which has no common border only blood which runs red no matter what color the skin?
Is it natures way of bringing third world countries into the for ground of need, to bring the countries who are higher in rank down to their level.....loosing loved ones is the most common ground one can come together in, if war does not show that, then, must nature?
Oh so many questions and no answers for I am only one, who has no shadow in life I live alone, unnoticed, with no voice or light to guide me or my thoughts, always alone.
People are donating money and volunteering their services like never before. But, then, we have never seen such a dissaster as this before.
I cant help but wonder, If this had happened to the atlantic coast of America, or, Pacific coast of America would the world reach out in the same manner?
My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, the mothers whose arms are empty for lost children, not one, but maybe two, maybe several all gone in a amoment of unforgivable and unforgettable time.
For children who cry for their momma's or pappa's, or both, gone, never having a chance to grow up under their parents love and concern.
Tourists who went to live a few days of paradise, now, living in the hell of perhaps a loved one who will never go home with them, or, never knowing exactly what has happened to them, their bodies buried in open pits, pushed asside in a trench by a bulldozer, or, put aflame to burn away the stench. Or even perhaps, floated away to a long distance land, to be washed up on a far off island, or even worse. Oh death where is thy sting.....
Where is God in all of this?
Is this but a test to see how human kindness comes out and gives of their hearts to unknown people, giving of their time, money, food, and labor? Are we being tested but once again to give rather than to take? To bring peace between warring countries but even for a moments time, to give a helping hand instead of killing each other?
For a nation to put aside their desires to rule over another, or push their belief's upon those who do not wish to accept them? Showing a power of one God over another?
Where is the logic in life, where is the completeness of putting a puzzle together which has no common border only blood which runs red no matter what color the skin?
Is it natures way of bringing third world countries into the for ground of need, to bring the countries who are higher in rank down to their level.....loosing loved ones is the most common ground one can come together in, if war does not show that, then, must nature?
Oh so many questions and no answers for I am only one, who has no shadow in life I live alone, unnoticed, with no voice or light to guide me or my thoughts, always alone.
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