I guess when the Bible says, you recieve not because you ask not, it means you dont ask specifically for something so why would you recieve it?
I always thought asking for a way to make a living was a correct thing to ask for, seeing my business meant everything to me, why did it go under?
Why did everything go against me?
Why did my business not take off and make a living for me...for him...my partner....it was our child, it was our baby, it was our common goal..now, we have nothing.
What will keep us together?
How can we become focused on finding our goal again?
We cant even communicate any more, altho, now that he isnt drinking much again, maybe I have one more chance.
It seems when he drinks too much, we end up fighting and then I just want him to leave....
when he doesnt drink so much, we have nothing in common to talk about so we wend up not communicating...
His brother is still living with us, and it is making me totally crazy!
He wont talk, he dodges to the back porch when I walk into the room, and, he makes me feel totally unwanted...
I know it is his mental illness but, I CANT DEAL WITH THE REJECTION!!!!
All my life I have been rejected, and made to feel as tho Im not worthy of a persons attention, why should this make any difference?
Why do I feel so rejected by two men who only see me as a place to stay.....
im just their door mat...the only way they have ever seen a woman....
Each marriage has put me into deeper and deeper depression, each one making me feel like im nothing, each time they took from me what they wanted and cared to give me nothing in return...
my first at least had a mother who loved me and wanted to teach me, but, I didnt reallize that at the time, till she was taken out of my life....in the car wreck....
she taught me to cook, she taught me to love my kids in a way i never really had....
she showed me how to be a farmers wife, altho, i hated it....
my second mother inlaw was hatefull, and spitefull, and didnt like me from the start...
why?
what did i ever do to her, except try to help her son whom she rejected, and pushed away...
I helped him find his dad, helped him find some of his past....and his inheritance....
which lasted 4 years, and it was GONE.....
now, i have no mom, no mother inlaw, no mentor....
i have to find my way myself....
there is no one who chooses to show me...i have begged, pleaded, and prayed....there is no help for me....
Friday, June 24, 2005
Monday, June 20, 2005
dirty little secrets
As a child I never really had friends. I lived in a small town, i mean, really small, maybe less than 400 people....
we lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids, so, it wasnt the fact there was no one to play with.
The girls down at the other end of the block were my age, and, if one of them came to play with me, or i went to play with them, we did fine, until the third girl came into the picture, then, it was them against me.
I dont have many memories of my childhood, I have pictures of my childhood with my mom, my daddy, pushing me on my go gart....kids playing in the little blow up swimming pool....I always looked happy...I always had a smile on my face, but, why was i so unhappy?
I can remember going to my room so many times and crying....no one was there to help me...
The kids would be mean to me, why?
Our end of the block was the only one which had a side walk, and during those days, skates were a big thing.
the kids would come down to our side walk and want to skate, I was so excited to have "friends" but....they always turned against me...what did I do to make them so mad?
I remember one time I was at the kids down the other end of the block, and, we were climbing the apple tree, picking bees off of the flowers, putting them into a jar....or, even being so mean to pull the wings off....how cruel!!!
But I felt a part of what they were doing, I belonged...
so many of the times i didnt belong.....why?
I remember one time, they were chaising me I was running and crying as hard as I could because they told me if I didnt leave, they were going to beat me up, till I was black and blue....what did I do to make them so mad at me?
As I was thinking about that this afternoon, some vague flashes came to my mind...it made me feel very uncomfortable, it still makes my stomach turn when I think about it....did they do something to me, or did I do something to them?
Why can I not make friends and keep them?
Why am I so alone?
Why does "in the arms of an angel" by sara mclachlan make me cry so.....
Why do I not miss the one man whom I loved with my heart and soul, and tried to help.....but couldnt....when it was over...it was over....he is in prison now....and I probably wont ever see him again....
Why do I miss the one man I gave my whole heart and soul to with out even really knowing him....he came into my life so mysteriously, and was gone in such a mysterious way. I still cry for him....I still suffer pain of his tearing my heart and soul out, leaving me along the side of the road to die, a massave heart explosion....left as road kill, he never looked back, he never knew the pain he left me in....
Why did I love him so......
Why cant I just let those feelings go.......
Why have the only men I have really wanted to be with, been men who didnt really want me?
Why is it in my youth, I could throw my sexual self to a man and be taken, but, they never wanted me emotionally, or care about me in any other way....
what was my dirty little secret as a child.....
now as my youth is gone, my lonely life as a menopausal woman, invisible, unloved, lonely...this is not the way it was supposed to be.....there were other plans, werent there?
Didnt I have dreams?
Didnt I have plans in life?
Did I not dream big enough?
Did I not know how to reach for those dreams?
Was I afraid to reach out?
Now that I have slipped and fallen out of life, there is no one who seems to see...
we lived in a neighborhood with lots of kids, so, it wasnt the fact there was no one to play with.
The girls down at the other end of the block were my age, and, if one of them came to play with me, or i went to play with them, we did fine, until the third girl came into the picture, then, it was them against me.
I dont have many memories of my childhood, I have pictures of my childhood with my mom, my daddy, pushing me on my go gart....kids playing in the little blow up swimming pool....I always looked happy...I always had a smile on my face, but, why was i so unhappy?
I can remember going to my room so many times and crying....no one was there to help me...
The kids would be mean to me, why?
Our end of the block was the only one which had a side walk, and during those days, skates were a big thing.
the kids would come down to our side walk and want to skate, I was so excited to have "friends" but....they always turned against me...what did I do to make them so mad?
I remember one time I was at the kids down the other end of the block, and, we were climbing the apple tree, picking bees off of the flowers, putting them into a jar....or, even being so mean to pull the wings off....how cruel!!!
But I felt a part of what they were doing, I belonged...
so many of the times i didnt belong.....why?
I remember one time, they were chaising me I was running and crying as hard as I could because they told me if I didnt leave, they were going to beat me up, till I was black and blue....what did I do to make them so mad at me?
As I was thinking about that this afternoon, some vague flashes came to my mind...it made me feel very uncomfortable, it still makes my stomach turn when I think about it....did they do something to me, or did I do something to them?
Why can I not make friends and keep them?
Why am I so alone?
Why does "in the arms of an angel" by sara mclachlan make me cry so.....
Why do I not miss the one man whom I loved with my heart and soul, and tried to help.....but couldnt....when it was over...it was over....he is in prison now....and I probably wont ever see him again....
Why do I miss the one man I gave my whole heart and soul to with out even really knowing him....he came into my life so mysteriously, and was gone in such a mysterious way. I still cry for him....I still suffer pain of his tearing my heart and soul out, leaving me along the side of the road to die, a massave heart explosion....left as road kill, he never looked back, he never knew the pain he left me in....
Why did I love him so......
Why cant I just let those feelings go.......
Why have the only men I have really wanted to be with, been men who didnt really want me?
Why is it in my youth, I could throw my sexual self to a man and be taken, but, they never wanted me emotionally, or care about me in any other way....
what was my dirty little secret as a child.....
now as my youth is gone, my lonely life as a menopausal woman, invisible, unloved, lonely...this is not the way it was supposed to be.....there were other plans, werent there?
Didnt I have dreams?
Didnt I have plans in life?
Did I not dream big enough?
Did I not know how to reach for those dreams?
Was I afraid to reach out?
Now that I have slipped and fallen out of life, there is no one who seems to see...
Saturday, June 18, 2005
So proud of my cous!
He has always had a silver spoon in his mouth, grandmas favorite grandchild, momma's boy, great up bringing, only had one job in his life, stepped into becoming the sheriff as the retiring sheriff was leaving his term in the middle so he wouldnt have to be "voted in" He was sworn in for taking over a leaving sheriff's position. Now cousin will retire at 50, have his daughter in college to become his successor.
Looks like he made all the right turns, and had good guidence and good parenting....
The most traumatic thing in his life that I know about was.....recently He was training a Deputy to take over for him but the Deputy got shot in a domistic fight responce, and ended up being killed trying to go into the house. The guy who shot him was an aquaintence, and, an alcoholic. Someone who went to AA with my partner, someone who was a really nice guy....but, had lost his wife to cancer two years ago, and, beeing batteling life....I wonder how much he had to scream out to be heard before the shooting happened....I know for a fact if an AA memeber in this lovely town back slides, they are on their own...the guys shun them......
I can only imagine the pain he was going thru in order to get to the point of shooting someone who was finally trying to help him, them....his girlfriend and he were quarreling, her daughter called the cops...
the cop...is dead.....the AA guy is in prison for life, maybe even faacing a death sentence.....and my cousins life is still good.......I wonder how much it effected him.....
Im really proud of my cousin, BUT it makes me feel even more of a failure in my life.
I was adopted, brought out of poverty, given everything by my parents, everything but knowledge how to survive......
I was left by my biological mother being born out of wedlock, given away, and raised by two wonderful people. Dr told mother to take me home and love me because I wouldnt live past two years old....
well, I did! They loved me to death!
There IS such a thing of being given too much love, and not enough dicipline
I was never made to finish anything just beaten down emotionally to do what they wanted me to do.
I would fight my mother to let me take piano lessons, then when she finally let me take them, I felt like I couldnt play, I wasnt any good, and, hated to practice because I felt as tho I just couldnt get the hang of it. Mother was never any encouragement, but, she would tell me "YOU wanted to take lessons so YOUR GOING TO PRACTICE!!!!" It didnt help any that the neighbor girl started piano lessons at the same time, and she was flying thru the books...she was a natural....she was so good, and I compared myself to her all the time....I never could live up to her....in popularity, studies, or family....I LOVED going to her house, we had so much fun as long as it was just her and me, if the other neighbor girls came into the picture....they always left me out, and, I always ended up leaving....or, being in a fight with one of them....why did they hate me so....?
Mother...would MAKE me practice an hour every night, and, it was murder....I would struggle, over chords, cry because I couldnt figure them out, and no one could help me, so, I would get frustrated and quit.....after 4 years of lessons, and never feeling as tho I could ever make it any btter, I gave them up, and, gave up being able to play. I can never remember them encouraging me by helping me, or showing me creative critism, only lies on how "good it was" even if it was shit!!!!
I can still remember the humiliation of sitting in recital playing some whimpy song, making mistakes stumbling thru it, and the neighbor girl was sitting there playing some beautiful piece and not making one mistake....
I know they were trying to be good parents but they didnt make me strive to be better.... The just didnt know how to help me....
I always thought I was best because my parents alwayss told me i was....I was "special"
yeah fucking right!
I have never been special to anyone but my mommy and daddy!
They never allowed me to be their "daughter" I was always their little girl, and, allowed to be the baby of the family being the only child, of a couple who just wanted a baby....didnt matter what color, or if i was born with defects they just wanted a baby....and that was what they kept me as.... the one who was babied and played with as a child, then, rebelious teenager, not being bad in public rebelion, but being gone from home as much as possible because I hated being home!
Never building that relationship with my parents because they never put any thing into it....
or, I shut them out, not sure which but none the less, I was dropped as an adult.....
I got married as a child....17....what did I know about love, marriage, sex....NOTHING!
I took home ec as a student, but, shit all they did was get us excited about having a nice house....
learning to cook, and have dinner parties....
nothing about sex....love.... or relationships.....
who was supposed to teach that to me?
My mother and father sure didnt...all they ever did was fight....or, watch tv.....
we NEVER TALKED!
They talked AT ME not to me....and of course, I didnt want to listen, so, who was to blame?
Back to my cousin...I dont know that I have even said more than 100 words to him thru out our lives....
at family get togethers he was always somewhere other than were we girls were, and, even as adults we never really ever had anything to say to each other. I remember my dad being so proud of him being a cop, daddy would go to his office just to visit after mother died....until he felt he was being in the way, then, daddy would sit on his front porch and see cousin drive by, and not even wave...pretty soon, daddy quit sitting on the porch hoping to wave at someone....cuz they quit honking, quit waving....was daddy''s eye site so poor he couldnt see, or, did people quit waving out of quilt, cuz they didnt want to stop and visit with him....?
Something I will never know....but I know he died a very lonely person.....funny, how, it was my cousins mom who finally went to visit daddy, after several years past my moms death....He was sooo excited about having company....he had a stroke, right there while she was there....it took him a month to make peace, then die, but...makes me wonder .......makes me sad.....
Now....my aunt never calls me... I have called her, but, she doesnt call me back....my cousins sister comes to town to visit her mom, but never calls me....I might as well died when mother died.....I dont exist anymore...
did I ever?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was married first time we had a piano, but, no music except my books I had as a child for lessons.
I tried to follow thru them but, just couldnt get them...still no help, I wish I would have found a teacher, my mother inlaw knew how to play, I wish I would have asked her to help me.
I lved her so much, and never got to tell her, I only felt angry because she invited us over when I already had dinner ready, I knew hubby would want to go over there so my food was always 2nd choice....
I loved eating their food she was such a good cook, but, being the selfish self I was at that point, I didnt appreciate it, but I sure put on the pounds because I learned to eat for the first time in my life....mothers food was never very good....while growing up....till the last, finally she learned to make a great roast, and we always enjoyed eating it when she searved it....
My motherinlaw.... I couldnt ask her to teach me how to play the piano after I got the piano, because she was dead, that is why I got the piano.......
They died in that horrible car wreck, in 1978, only 9 years after we had been married. I never had the time to appreciate them and learn to totally love them, or understand what I had, because my marriage was such a mess, I didnt know how to make things right.....and no one to ask.
I couldnt admit to anyone how bad my marrage was. No one knew we had problems......everyone thought we had the perfect marrage because we were always "happy" together.....
but....not when we were drinking, and, I would become so depressed I would start crying and I couldnt express why I was crying.....
His best man, best friend would ask me what was wrong, but I couldnt tell him, I didnt understand it myself....
all I knew was that I was misserable...... He was the only one who ever asked.....
I gave up after 13 1/2 years of trying.
I knew if I didnt quit, I would totally ruin my name, and my childrens and, his....
by my actions.
I was drinking alot, partying at the bars a lot, and going out....with other men.....
I didnt want to put him, and the kids thru that anylonger, and I couldnt live with it any longer either....
I HAD TO GET OUT!
People were SHOCKED! All they knew was we split, they didnt have any idea why.....I have carried that for over 30 years.... no one talked about it.... I was finally able to tell my daughter just over the past few years, because she has been so angry at me for the divorce....I had to tell her why I left.....
Every 4th of July, was so special, it was Sister inlaws birthday, so we HAD to get done cutting wheat, and, have homemade ice cream, cake and fireworks.
Normally we would rush thru, and hurry to Peabody to see their fire works too, but as the crowds grew we got to the point where we would get our own and then have just the party at home......climb the windmill and see them from peabody, which was fun.... now..he and his wife, invite her family, their (our friends) my kids....and have the celebration....but, Im alone....and never get invited....it was my family too....I lost everything, everyone, our friends where his friends.....when i left...I left everyone....everything.....and had to start over....
Oh how I miss those times, and of course wanting a divorce because I didnt "lust" for my husband any longer, or, never really did......was in Love with Love as a 16 yearold, and, needed a way out of home.....hated living at home....with the parents who gave me everything, except knowldege how to survive....
He was a wonderful husband, but, never really cared to get to know me, I was just sex to him, he was normal 18 year old, I was a willing partner....We never talked, we didnt plan a wedding together, it was what I wanted, he didnt care what I did or colors, etc....he just figured it was a way to have sex when he wanted it....so, why not get married...he even told me that after our divorce!
I lusted after the need to be special, loved and known.....not sex.....but yet I became the whore in town, lusting after those who showed me attention while i was married but after I got divorced they wouldnt even look at me....
by then, I was ruined, he said he would never forgive me for having an affair, and, for running around....
or divorcing him....
So, I have lived with the guilt all these years unforgivin.....
still unloved, still unkown, still not special to anyone.....
30 years later, unmarried, in a sic relationship, unlusted after, known but not acknowledged, alone,
so alone....
I have gone full circle, I know I have mentioned it before on here but, my thoughts are just so fractured, and, I have so little time to myself to write, I never have time to go back and read what I wrote....so, forgive me if this gets repeated over and over.
My life is so fucked up, and I cant seem to find my way out.....
The maze just keeps getting weirder and weirder...I dont know how to go any different....
They say if things dont work out why keep doing them the same....but, why cant I see any different ways?
Why cant I hear a voice, see a road, feel a touch?????????????????
AM I GOING NUTS OR WHAT???????????????????????????????????
Looks like he made all the right turns, and had good guidence and good parenting....
The most traumatic thing in his life that I know about was.....recently He was training a Deputy to take over for him but the Deputy got shot in a domistic fight responce, and ended up being killed trying to go into the house. The guy who shot him was an aquaintence, and, an alcoholic. Someone who went to AA with my partner, someone who was a really nice guy....but, had lost his wife to cancer two years ago, and, beeing batteling life....I wonder how much he had to scream out to be heard before the shooting happened....I know for a fact if an AA memeber in this lovely town back slides, they are on their own...the guys shun them......
I can only imagine the pain he was going thru in order to get to the point of shooting someone who was finally trying to help him, them....his girlfriend and he were quarreling, her daughter called the cops...
the cop...is dead.....the AA guy is in prison for life, maybe even faacing a death sentence.....and my cousins life is still good.......I wonder how much it effected him.....
Im really proud of my cousin, BUT it makes me feel even more of a failure in my life.
I was adopted, brought out of poverty, given everything by my parents, everything but knowledge how to survive......
I was left by my biological mother being born out of wedlock, given away, and raised by two wonderful people. Dr told mother to take me home and love me because I wouldnt live past two years old....
well, I did! They loved me to death!
There IS such a thing of being given too much love, and not enough dicipline
I was never made to finish anything just beaten down emotionally to do what they wanted me to do.
I would fight my mother to let me take piano lessons, then when she finally let me take them, I felt like I couldnt play, I wasnt any good, and, hated to practice because I felt as tho I just couldnt get the hang of it. Mother was never any encouragement, but, she would tell me "YOU wanted to take lessons so YOUR GOING TO PRACTICE!!!!" It didnt help any that the neighbor girl started piano lessons at the same time, and she was flying thru the books...she was a natural....she was so good, and I compared myself to her all the time....I never could live up to her....in popularity, studies, or family....I LOVED going to her house, we had so much fun as long as it was just her and me, if the other neighbor girls came into the picture....they always left me out, and, I always ended up leaving....or, being in a fight with one of them....why did they hate me so....?
Mother...would MAKE me practice an hour every night, and, it was murder....I would struggle, over chords, cry because I couldnt figure them out, and no one could help me, so, I would get frustrated and quit.....after 4 years of lessons, and never feeling as tho I could ever make it any btter, I gave them up, and, gave up being able to play. I can never remember them encouraging me by helping me, or showing me creative critism, only lies on how "good it was" even if it was shit!!!!
I can still remember the humiliation of sitting in recital playing some whimpy song, making mistakes stumbling thru it, and the neighbor girl was sitting there playing some beautiful piece and not making one mistake....
I know they were trying to be good parents but they didnt make me strive to be better.... The just didnt know how to help me....
I always thought I was best because my parents alwayss told me i was....I was "special"
yeah fucking right!
I have never been special to anyone but my mommy and daddy!
They never allowed me to be their "daughter" I was always their little girl, and, allowed to be the baby of the family being the only child, of a couple who just wanted a baby....didnt matter what color, or if i was born with defects they just wanted a baby....and that was what they kept me as.... the one who was babied and played with as a child, then, rebelious teenager, not being bad in public rebelion, but being gone from home as much as possible because I hated being home!
Never building that relationship with my parents because they never put any thing into it....
or, I shut them out, not sure which but none the less, I was dropped as an adult.....
I got married as a child....17....what did I know about love, marriage, sex....NOTHING!
I took home ec as a student, but, shit all they did was get us excited about having a nice house....
learning to cook, and have dinner parties....
nothing about sex....love.... or relationships.....
who was supposed to teach that to me?
My mother and father sure didnt...all they ever did was fight....or, watch tv.....
we NEVER TALKED!
They talked AT ME not to me....and of course, I didnt want to listen, so, who was to blame?
Back to my cousin...I dont know that I have even said more than 100 words to him thru out our lives....
at family get togethers he was always somewhere other than were we girls were, and, even as adults we never really ever had anything to say to each other. I remember my dad being so proud of him being a cop, daddy would go to his office just to visit after mother died....until he felt he was being in the way, then, daddy would sit on his front porch and see cousin drive by, and not even wave...pretty soon, daddy quit sitting on the porch hoping to wave at someone....cuz they quit honking, quit waving....was daddy''s eye site so poor he couldnt see, or, did people quit waving out of quilt, cuz they didnt want to stop and visit with him....?
Something I will never know....but I know he died a very lonely person.....funny, how, it was my cousins mom who finally went to visit daddy, after several years past my moms death....He was sooo excited about having company....he had a stroke, right there while she was there....it took him a month to make peace, then die, but...makes me wonder .......makes me sad.....
Now....my aunt never calls me... I have called her, but, she doesnt call me back....my cousins sister comes to town to visit her mom, but never calls me....I might as well died when mother died.....I dont exist anymore...
did I ever?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was married first time we had a piano, but, no music except my books I had as a child for lessons.
I tried to follow thru them but, just couldnt get them...still no help, I wish I would have found a teacher, my mother inlaw knew how to play, I wish I would have asked her to help me.
I lved her so much, and never got to tell her, I only felt angry because she invited us over when I already had dinner ready, I knew hubby would want to go over there so my food was always 2nd choice....
I loved eating their food she was such a good cook, but, being the selfish self I was at that point, I didnt appreciate it, but I sure put on the pounds because I learned to eat for the first time in my life....mothers food was never very good....while growing up....till the last, finally she learned to make a great roast, and we always enjoyed eating it when she searved it....
My motherinlaw.... I couldnt ask her to teach me how to play the piano after I got the piano, because she was dead, that is why I got the piano.......
They died in that horrible car wreck, in 1978, only 9 years after we had been married. I never had the time to appreciate them and learn to totally love them, or understand what I had, because my marriage was such a mess, I didnt know how to make things right.....and no one to ask.
I couldnt admit to anyone how bad my marrage was. No one knew we had problems......everyone thought we had the perfect marrage because we were always "happy" together.....
but....not when we were drinking, and, I would become so depressed I would start crying and I couldnt express why I was crying.....
His best man, best friend would ask me what was wrong, but I couldnt tell him, I didnt understand it myself....
all I knew was that I was misserable...... He was the only one who ever asked.....
I gave up after 13 1/2 years of trying.
I knew if I didnt quit, I would totally ruin my name, and my childrens and, his....
by my actions.
I was drinking alot, partying at the bars a lot, and going out....with other men.....
I didnt want to put him, and the kids thru that anylonger, and I couldnt live with it any longer either....
I HAD TO GET OUT!
People were SHOCKED! All they knew was we split, they didnt have any idea why.....I have carried that for over 30 years.... no one talked about it.... I was finally able to tell my daughter just over the past few years, because she has been so angry at me for the divorce....I had to tell her why I left.....
Every 4th of July, was so special, it was Sister inlaws birthday, so we HAD to get done cutting wheat, and, have homemade ice cream, cake and fireworks.
Normally we would rush thru, and hurry to Peabody to see their fire works too, but as the crowds grew we got to the point where we would get our own and then have just the party at home......climb the windmill and see them from peabody, which was fun.... now..he and his wife, invite her family, their (our friends) my kids....and have the celebration....but, Im alone....and never get invited....it was my family too....I lost everything, everyone, our friends where his friends.....when i left...I left everyone....everything.....and had to start over....
Oh how I miss those times, and of course wanting a divorce because I didnt "lust" for my husband any longer, or, never really did......was in Love with Love as a 16 yearold, and, needed a way out of home.....hated living at home....with the parents who gave me everything, except knowldege how to survive....
He was a wonderful husband, but, never really cared to get to know me, I was just sex to him, he was normal 18 year old, I was a willing partner....We never talked, we didnt plan a wedding together, it was what I wanted, he didnt care what I did or colors, etc....he just figured it was a way to have sex when he wanted it....so, why not get married...he even told me that after our divorce!
I lusted after the need to be special, loved and known.....not sex.....but yet I became the whore in town, lusting after those who showed me attention while i was married but after I got divorced they wouldnt even look at me....
by then, I was ruined, he said he would never forgive me for having an affair, and, for running around....
or divorcing him....
So, I have lived with the guilt all these years unforgivin.....
still unloved, still unkown, still not special to anyone.....
30 years later, unmarried, in a sic relationship, unlusted after, known but not acknowledged, alone,
so alone....
I have gone full circle, I know I have mentioned it before on here but, my thoughts are just so fractured, and, I have so little time to myself to write, I never have time to go back and read what I wrote....so, forgive me if this gets repeated over and over.
My life is so fucked up, and I cant seem to find my way out.....
The maze just keeps getting weirder and weirder...I dont know how to go any different....
They say if things dont work out why keep doing them the same....but, why cant I see any different ways?
Why cant I hear a voice, see a road, feel a touch?????????????????
AM I GOING NUTS OR WHAT???????????????????????????????????
Friday, June 17, 2005
it sux to be poor
I have gone from having nothing, to being married with lots of money, back to being totally poor, and now no credit what so ever. Rags to riches, back to rags, and it totally sux, and I cant figure out what I have done wrong!
I mean yeah I have made some bad choices in life, but, damn, not that bad to be totally wiped out financially, and I cant see a vision for every getting past the point im in right now.
What do I do?
how do others pull themselves up and start all over again!
HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
I mean yeah I have made some bad choices in life, but, damn, not that bad to be totally wiped out financially, and I cant see a vision for every getting past the point im in right now.
What do I do?
how do others pull themselves up and start all over again!
HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
one more starting-over point, but, where to this time?
I have started over so many times, and I cant seem to get the umph to do it again.
I have tried all my routes
I have tried all my money
I have tried all my friends
I have tried all my resorces
nothing is working
where do I turn now?
Im so confused
So scared
So frustrated
So invisible
No one can hear my cries
no one cares
the one person I though cared, has turned her back on me
I have reached out to her but she has continued to keep her back to me
I cant keep going the way things are
I am either going to die, or, go crazy
there is nothing here, no spirit,
no life, no communication, just me, and i SUCK!
and dont even have a cock to suck!
I have tried all my routes
I have tried all my money
I have tried all my friends
I have tried all my resorces
nothing is working
where do I turn now?
Im so confused
So scared
So frustrated
So invisible
No one can hear my cries
no one cares
the one person I though cared, has turned her back on me
I have reached out to her but she has continued to keep her back to me
I cant keep going the way things are
I am either going to die, or, go crazy
there is nothing here, no spirit,
no life, no communication, just me, and i SUCK!
and dont even have a cock to suck!
Thursday, June 16, 2005
as usuall
nothing new
they cut my hours to 3 days in a pay period, there is no fucking way i can survive on 3 days in two weeks!
What is going on in this fucking world!!!
So many people are getting richer, and everyone else that I know is either barely surviving, or, going under...
This is not the American Dream I was taught to strive for ....my "golden age" was supposed to wonderful, enjoyable, and relaxing, as it is now, I will be working till the day I die.
There is no retirement, and with the business draining all my inheritances, there is no money left.....and no credit left. I dont know what Im going to do, and nothing seems to change for the better, I always said things couldnt get worse but I quit saying that because they did, everything has gotten worse in the last 10 years hell has prevailed in my life.
Church? yeah right, God is there for the chosen....
Somewhere along the line I was rejected....
by all....
they cut my hours to 3 days in a pay period, there is no fucking way i can survive on 3 days in two weeks!
What is going on in this fucking world!!!
So many people are getting richer, and everyone else that I know is either barely surviving, or, going under...
This is not the American Dream I was taught to strive for ....my "golden age" was supposed to wonderful, enjoyable, and relaxing, as it is now, I will be working till the day I die.
There is no retirement, and with the business draining all my inheritances, there is no money left.....and no credit left. I dont know what Im going to do, and nothing seems to change for the better, I always said things couldnt get worse but I quit saying that because they did, everything has gotten worse in the last 10 years hell has prevailed in my life.
Church? yeah right, God is there for the chosen....
Somewhere along the line I was rejected....
by all....
Friday, June 10, 2005
visions
seeing things
knowing there is more to life than what they allow a person to receive
the most fun i had in my life was when i didnt live in newton.
ElDorado gave me fun
Potwin kind of did, but, I didnt belong.
Wichita, I LOVED it there, I LOVED THERE, I was a slut there, a drunk, and a bad girl.......
and I loved my job, but, didnt know how to keep it, my boss turned against me, and I was the first one to go, I was not making him money, altho, he was training me to but expected too much too soon.
he pushed more and more responsibility on me and i crumbled, and he knew I couldnt do more, so, he let me go, because he wanted to be able to lay it all on me and knew I couldnt handle it yet, and didnt want to continue paying me.
He used bank ruptsy as a reason for letting me go, but, I never really believed it, altho, he did put a young highschool girl in my place after that, and, when I went back to see him, he didnt seem real thrilled, so it made me feel as tho he really let me go cuz he didnt want me there.
When we left to go to Florida, we didnt have the money to enjoy it, we did some fun things but, not very many and we couldnt spend money, so, it limited what we could do. We saw the free things, and they were wonderful, I appreciate the nature and things we did get to see.
But it wasnt exciting and thrilling, and make me want to go back.
I need to call cousin , ask to rent a house in Hutch, or if he would help me buy one....sell this one....get out of HOMETOWN!!!
Im bleeding, from the rectum, if it is my time to go, I will dye, if people care to get to know me, they need to try now, other wise it will be too late.
If i tell my "christian friends" will they care enough to actually pray for me? Whom do I trust?
no one....
but Him....
He has not been the love of my life, but he has been here for me, and he has allowed me to be me.
He hasnt loved me the way I needed to be loved but I know he loves me. I have not loved him the way he needs either, because he doesnt know what he needs, or wants. I know.....that is my problem...if i cant find what I want, and accept something less, I cant complain about it, or I hear too many people tell me to get out.
They dont understand.....
maybe its a sick kind of love, we are both so needy, and we are all we have, so, what is wrong with that love?
We both are seeking God, and, we both accept each other the way we are.
The only thing I cant accept in him is his bitterness when he has drank too much, that is why I refuse to be around him if he is drunk. That is his problem he cant shake, his dysfunction from his childhood....
but just because he cant be perfect, doesnt mean im going to throw him to the wolves....
He trusts me, I trust him, that is important....
seeing things
knowing there is more to life than what they allow a person to receive
the most fun i had in my life was when i didnt live in newton.
ElDorado gave me fun
Potwin kind of did, but, I didnt belong.
Wichita, I LOVED it there, I LOVED THERE, I was a slut there, a drunk, and a bad girl.......
and I loved my job, but, didnt know how to keep it, my boss turned against me, and I was the first one to go, I was not making him money, altho, he was training me to but expected too much too soon.
he pushed more and more responsibility on me and i crumbled, and he knew I couldnt do more, so, he let me go, because he wanted to be able to lay it all on me and knew I couldnt handle it yet, and didnt want to continue paying me.
He used bank ruptsy as a reason for letting me go, but, I never really believed it, altho, he did put a young highschool girl in my place after that, and, when I went back to see him, he didnt seem real thrilled, so it made me feel as tho he really let me go cuz he didnt want me there.
When we left to go to Florida, we didnt have the money to enjoy it, we did some fun things but, not very many and we couldnt spend money, so, it limited what we could do. We saw the free things, and they were wonderful, I appreciate the nature and things we did get to see.
But it wasnt exciting and thrilling, and make me want to go back.
I need to call cousin , ask to rent a house in Hutch, or if he would help me buy one....sell this one....get out of HOMETOWN!!!
Im bleeding, from the rectum, if it is my time to go, I will dye, if people care to get to know me, they need to try now, other wise it will be too late.
If i tell my "christian friends" will they care enough to actually pray for me? Whom do I trust?
no one....
but Him....
He has not been the love of my life, but he has been here for me, and he has allowed me to be me.
He hasnt loved me the way I needed to be loved but I know he loves me. I have not loved him the way he needs either, because he doesnt know what he needs, or wants. I know.....that is my problem...if i cant find what I want, and accept something less, I cant complain about it, or I hear too many people tell me to get out.
They dont understand.....
maybe its a sick kind of love, we are both so needy, and we are all we have, so, what is wrong with that love?
We both are seeking God, and, we both accept each other the way we are.
The only thing I cant accept in him is his bitterness when he has drank too much, that is why I refuse to be around him if he is drunk. That is his problem he cant shake, his dysfunction from his childhood....
but just because he cant be perfect, doesnt mean im going to throw him to the wolves....
He trusts me, I trust him, that is important....
Thursday, June 09, 2005
how to survive life and get out alive.....or, maybe just, get to enjoy it!!!
I have never had happiness, nothing makes me happy, I cant seem to find it alone, or with anyone.
It illudes me, it pulls at me like a carrot on the string, but, can never be caught.
Why is it so difficult for me to just say, hey, I dont give a fuck and enjoy every moment in front of me?
Why must I fight for every dime, to survive?
I have worked hard to find a way to make a living, been thru hell trying to make things work, but, nothing works, nothing grows, nothing materializes.
I have given up too soon, I have held on too long, I have nothing left to hang on with.
Why cant I find answers?
Why cant I find sense in my life?
Im 52, shouldnt there be something to show for my life?
I look at DeVinci, he was 56 when he painted the last supper, so, by that I guess I still have a few years to go.
The book of life is written about the people who God decided gave good example of life, they were not all perfect, they were not all rich, poor, or even spiritual, they were people of what life was and is, and always will be built of.
Why do churches crucify those who do not walk the narrow street of goodness?
Is the hell God and our selves throws down on us not enough?
Do we have to be judged by man too?
How can I live in a town who is so judgemental on each other?
One side whines about the Mennonites not standing up for the flag, and, the Mennonites say they stand up for nothing but our God, and lifting arms against another human is not in Gods plan.
But yet the other side of town is "christian too" does that make sense to you?
its hypocracy at its greatest!
It illudes me, it pulls at me like a carrot on the string, but, can never be caught.
Why is it so difficult for me to just say, hey, I dont give a fuck and enjoy every moment in front of me?
Why must I fight for every dime, to survive?
I have worked hard to find a way to make a living, been thru hell trying to make things work, but, nothing works, nothing grows, nothing materializes.
I have given up too soon, I have held on too long, I have nothing left to hang on with.
Why cant I find answers?
Why cant I find sense in my life?
Im 52, shouldnt there be something to show for my life?
I look at DeVinci, he was 56 when he painted the last supper, so, by that I guess I still have a few years to go.
The book of life is written about the people who God decided gave good example of life, they were not all perfect, they were not all rich, poor, or even spiritual, they were people of what life was and is, and always will be built of.
Why do churches crucify those who do not walk the narrow street of goodness?
Is the hell God and our selves throws down on us not enough?
Do we have to be judged by man too?
How can I live in a town who is so judgemental on each other?
One side whines about the Mennonites not standing up for the flag, and, the Mennonites say they stand up for nothing but our God, and lifting arms against another human is not in Gods plan.
But yet the other side of town is "christian too" does that make sense to you?
its hypocracy at its greatest!
I came home so excited, I had a fun place to work, someplace which would give me support, and, allow me to be me.
Boy was I wrong!
The next day, I immediately got shot down by The guy at work, and, found he was going to be really difficult to work with.
Im trying really hard to get along with him, and, trying not to talk back to him, but, allow him to throw his fits, and then, turn the other cheek so to speak!
He is so unnerving, and so abusive, but, he refuses to see it.
He refuses to talk about it, so, I will allow him his ego, and, try to be the , now quiet (loud bitch) used to be known to be...
I speak about wrongs, and speak against evil, in the people around me, but, that is not the accepted behavior.
Speaking gossip and untruth lies is accepted i guess.
Have I fallen into the pit of gossip?
Please forgive me father, yes I have gossiped about people, when I speak of them with out love and concern.
Please forgive me father for my sins, please show them to me, for I know not what I have done.
I have had heaps of coals upon my head, and, I have
been delivered spitefull vengences against me, stealing away the gold ye have given me.
Please forgive me father for my life has been lead as a harlot,
my marrage vows meant nothing to me, for I was but a child when I married, and knew not what I was diving into.
It has taken me many years to understand mans ego, and, his lack of being able to give of himself to woman.
I still dont understand it, or him, and, you expect us to learn all these things with one man?
The christains do. for when we divorce we break the vows, and, the coals of judgement are poured unto us.
I have tried to live in this community since 1965, and, have never felt so rejected and betrayed as I do right now.
I cant call for help because no one wants to hear of it, they have all been with me thru so much already, and my life just doesnt get any better. So why should anyone want to have to listen to more.....?
Boy was I wrong!
The next day, I immediately got shot down by The guy at work, and, found he was going to be really difficult to work with.
Im trying really hard to get along with him, and, trying not to talk back to him, but, allow him to throw his fits, and then, turn the other cheek so to speak!
He is so unnerving, and so abusive, but, he refuses to see it.
He refuses to talk about it, so, I will allow him his ego, and, try to be the , now quiet (loud bitch) used to be known to be...
I speak about wrongs, and speak against evil, in the people around me, but, that is not the accepted behavior.
Speaking gossip and untruth lies is accepted i guess.
Have I fallen into the pit of gossip?
Please forgive me father, yes I have gossiped about people, when I speak of them with out love and concern.
Please forgive me father for my sins, please show them to me, for I know not what I have done.
I have had heaps of coals upon my head, and, I have
been delivered spitefull vengences against me, stealing away the gold ye have given me.
Please forgive me father for my life has been lead as a harlot,
my marrage vows meant nothing to me, for I was but a child when I married, and knew not what I was diving into.
It has taken me many years to understand mans ego, and, his lack of being able to give of himself to woman.
I still dont understand it, or him, and, you expect us to learn all these things with one man?
The christains do. for when we divorce we break the vows, and, the coals of judgement are poured unto us.
I have tried to live in this community since 1965, and, have never felt so rejected and betrayed as I do right now.
I cant call for help because no one wants to hear of it, they have all been with me thru so much already, and my life just doesnt get any better. So why should anyone want to have to listen to more.....?
I had finally found someone i could relate to and hold on a conversation with, and now, he is being taken away!
WHYYYYYYYYYY???????????????????????????????
I swear on the stack of bibles we are not to swear on, that, everyone in my life I have ever had any type of connection with, is always taken away.
And why?
Am I that bad of a person I cant develop friendships and recieve a little respect for having an opinion other than what goes with theirs?
I know Im put with Rob for a reason, I know God sent him to me, I prayed, and, god delivered.
He isnt the person I had asked for, but he has been the helpmate I asked for.
I didnt ask God specifically for a lover, a helpmate, and believer.
I asked God for someone who could help me with the restraunt in HArper, and Rob was sent.
Rob was almost overdosed on drugs, and, when he needed a place to live, I offered it to him in return for help.
Was I wrong in offering a place to live?
it says, in the bible to do so right?
But, I have been told by my best friend, I opend the door to the devil and that is why my life has been hell.
There are lessons God teaches us thru every event in our life, and I truly believe I have been taught so many lessons in my 52 years, but, have not had one person to be able to sit and talk to me about them, only judgements heaped over my head, and, condemnation for being "open" to the devil.
Jesus had to decend to hell to be lifted up to Heaven.
Dont we all have to decend to hell to learn what God has in store for us?
I know Im in the biggest pit hole of my life, everything I have ever believed in and trusted is being tested, and, I have NO ONE TO TALK IT OVER WITH!!!!
They make me feel like Im being self pitying by trying to talk about my problems, they never come to me with their problems,
and I almost have to beg for companionship.
Im just so tired of trying.
I know you probably got tired of hearing me rant and rave maybe that is why you got sick? of me?
but, If I cant talk to someone, Im going to explode!!!!
I tell God everything! but, I never hear him, nor see him, nor feel him. I know he is there only because people tell me he is, I HAVE NEVER had my yes Jesus is Here moment in life!
I was 10 years old when I got baptised.
I knew I wanted to know Jesus and went forward before the church asking to be baptised. They had a class for the kids to take, but, I didnt want to take the class, I just wanted to know Jesus!!!!
maybe that was wrong, maybe I lost my knowledge but, I knew Jesus all I had to do was KNOW HIM!!!!
Does that make sense?
I have tried to tell people here my problems, but, they all walk away from me.
Im sorry Im ranting tonight, just really fed up with life!
WHYYYYYYYYYY???????????????????????????????
I swear on the stack of bibles we are not to swear on, that, everyone in my life I have ever had any type of connection with, is always taken away.
And why?
Am I that bad of a person I cant develop friendships and recieve a little respect for having an opinion other than what goes with theirs?
I know Im put with Rob for a reason, I know God sent him to me, I prayed, and, god delivered.
He isnt the person I had asked for, but he has been the helpmate I asked for.
I didnt ask God specifically for a lover, a helpmate, and believer.
I asked God for someone who could help me with the restraunt in HArper, and Rob was sent.
Rob was almost overdosed on drugs, and, when he needed a place to live, I offered it to him in return for help.
Was I wrong in offering a place to live?
it says, in the bible to do so right?
But, I have been told by my best friend, I opend the door to the devil and that is why my life has been hell.
There are lessons God teaches us thru every event in our life, and I truly believe I have been taught so many lessons in my 52 years, but, have not had one person to be able to sit and talk to me about them, only judgements heaped over my head, and, condemnation for being "open" to the devil.
Jesus had to decend to hell to be lifted up to Heaven.
Dont we all have to decend to hell to learn what God has in store for us?
I know Im in the biggest pit hole of my life, everything I have ever believed in and trusted is being tested, and, I have NO ONE TO TALK IT OVER WITH!!!!
They make me feel like Im being self pitying by trying to talk about my problems, they never come to me with their problems,
and I almost have to beg for companionship.
Im just so tired of trying.
I know you probably got tired of hearing me rant and rave maybe that is why you got sick? of me?
but, If I cant talk to someone, Im going to explode!!!!
I tell God everything! but, I never hear him, nor see him, nor feel him. I know he is there only because people tell me he is, I HAVE NEVER had my yes Jesus is Here moment in life!
I was 10 years old when I got baptised.
I knew I wanted to know Jesus and went forward before the church asking to be baptised. They had a class for the kids to take, but, I didnt want to take the class, I just wanted to know Jesus!!!!
maybe that was wrong, maybe I lost my knowledge but, I knew Jesus all I had to do was KNOW HIM!!!!
Does that make sense?
I have tried to tell people here my problems, but, they all walk away from me.
Im sorry Im ranting tonight, just really fed up with life!
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
mur and muck
Life is just not going anywhere. I guess patience is not one of my virtues, but, I just dont understand what is going on.
We have both put in tons of applications, and no jobs are calling back, or responding. Its as tho we are invisible, and no one cares.
When I try to talk to my "friends" im told to have faith, look to God, on and on, then, they are gone.
Somedays I feel as tho the world is out to get me, took everything away, and now, im alone in hell.
Anti depressents are not the answer, they dont change my circumstances.
Life still doesnt change, and still doesnt make sence.
Im supposed to be entering into my "golden" years, so far, rust and rot are all I have seen.
far from being Gold....
I throw up my hands and say, Ok, you win, you have taken everything from me, now what?
now what......now what....
now what....now what....now....what.....???????????????????????????????????
We have both put in tons of applications, and no jobs are calling back, or responding. Its as tho we are invisible, and no one cares.
When I try to talk to my "friends" im told to have faith, look to God, on and on, then, they are gone.
Somedays I feel as tho the world is out to get me, took everything away, and now, im alone in hell.
Anti depressents are not the answer, they dont change my circumstances.
Life still doesnt change, and still doesnt make sence.
Im supposed to be entering into my "golden" years, so far, rust and rot are all I have seen.
far from being Gold....
I throw up my hands and say, Ok, you win, you have taken everything from me, now what?
now what......now what....
now what....now what....now....what.....???????????????????????????????????
Friday, June 03, 2005
Beads
I had a bag of beads,
to make a necklace you see.
big ones, little ones, clear ones and cloudy ones.
string, clasp and pliers all ready to start
I laid them all out, such pretty colors, such odd shapes
all as a puzzle waiting to be put together.
As I looked at them, nothing did i see
a long one here, a short one there
clear one, and black one, only pieces that didnt fit
nothing went together, nothing fashionably perfect
oh the dispare I felt
as the pieces of my life, nothing fits
nothing makes sense
nothing looked right
as the tears fell on my cheek
I asked, why, why is nothing fitting together
Some are given diamonds, some are given sticks and stones
why is life so difficult?
to make a necklace you see.
big ones, little ones, clear ones and cloudy ones.
string, clasp and pliers all ready to start
I laid them all out, such pretty colors, such odd shapes
all as a puzzle waiting to be put together.
As I looked at them, nothing did i see
a long one here, a short one there
clear one, and black one, only pieces that didnt fit
nothing went together, nothing fashionably perfect
oh the dispare I felt
as the pieces of my life, nothing fits
nothing makes sense
nothing looked right
as the tears fell on my cheek
I asked, why, why is nothing fitting together
Some are given diamonds, some are given sticks and stones
why is life so difficult?
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