those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Sunday, October 30, 2005

guest book didnt work

I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to use Bravenets free products, I had a guest book on here but it doesnt work, or, at least I didnt have it on here right...
Thanks to those of you who have left comments. I dont think Im looking for anyone to give me answers, but it is really nice to have some validation that I am alive and someone gives a note of encouragement. Days go by when I dont talk to another human person, dont have a cat or dog so, it gets pretty quiet in kansasgals head...
yes I have another human person in the house hold, but most of the time he is not capable of holding a decent conversation by the time I get home from work so I dont even try. He has been doing better this past week, which is where my question about happiness came in. When I allow myself to enjoy being "free" of his drunkenness and enjoy having him around, it gets thrown in my face with an unexpected drunk night.
yes, it would be so much easier to just kick him out. I dont know what the pull is he has on me, or, I have on him. If we were physically in lust with each other I would understand, but, being alone with out much other family influence on either side, I guess we are dependent on each other in other ways.
He is the oldest of 9 kids, whom most live here in Kansas but we only see them at Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. His son lives in Washington State and we have only seen him once in 5 years. My kids are in Kansas and Colorado and I get to see the Colorado son on holidays, the Kansas daughter comes around once in a while but she has a life I dont want to force myself upon her.
Unlike my parents who were so heavily into my life, always at beck and call, I have tried to allow my kids their independence and not force myself upon them. I certainly dont have money to offer them, and, can offer baby sitting services only when Im not working. They grew up with out me emotionally, or, so it feels. I dont remember either of them ever coming to me with a problem in highschool. I never went to my parents (mom) with anything because I knew they would feel they HAD to take care of the problem. As a child, I learned quickly not to let my mom know when someone was bullying for fear she would be out on the play ground with her big stick (figuratively speaking) chasing the kids away from me. I remember going to my room and crying secretly wishing someone would accept me. I dont know what I was doing to make them so mean to me but I have always felt it must be me, I must be the most horrible person to have the kids hate me so much. It wasnt until much later in my ilfe when I was reading a history book of the town in which I spent my childhood did I realize, that most of the people there were related. I dont know for a fact but feel that it was possibly since I was not related, I just didnt fit into their mold. Now, as an adult, and both of my parents being dead. Neither of their families reach out to me, it is as tho I died along with my parents. I guess because Im adopted, I have tried to be a good cousin and keep in touch with cousins but they dont reach out to me with out me first calling upon them. Holidays are the most painfull being alone. This year I have offered to work on all of them, I am supposed to get paid holiday pay but they havent paid me for them except one. I asked my supervisor about it after labor day, she said she would check on it, but, I dont think she ever did. I will find out now for Thanksgiving. Since my kids are products of a divorced home, they always have their dads to go to and his wife's parents dinners etc, and even tho I put in my bid for a certain day to celebrate with them, I still find myself fighting to get them more than just an hour or two on the day I have asked for. Hopefully this year they will be more willing to take the time for me. If not, there is always next year, hopefully!
One never knows what is around the next curve. Health wise, I have been trying to take positive steps to get back into shape. This past year has been devistating to me and partner, and, I can honestly say, one which I really didnt know if I would live thru. Hopefully I am on my way back up. Taking my suppliments and doing the things my herbilist tells me to do. I know my blood pressure is still high, infact last night I couldnt sleep for the head aches were pretty bad. I start the hazelnut oil tomorrow, not sure what it is supposed to do but she said it should take care of the high bloodpressure too. We will see! I have joined Nutronix for the B-12 Sublinqual vitamin, I hope that helps too. I cant wait till my order gets here.
Well.......my day is getting away from me, I have to get my copies done for the lawyer. I procrastinated it off all week, I HAVE TO GET IT DONE TODAY!!!
I need an accountablity partner!

Friday, October 28, 2005

If I am happy....

Will it all go away again?
Everytime in my life when I have been happy and content, it leaves...quickly....i have never had time to enjoy my happiness...
was i the one who sabotaged it?
Or was it stolen from me?

Chapter 13

Today I start working on paper work for filing chapter 13, I never thought I would be this far down in life but, Im hoping this is rock bottom for me.
I never wanted to do this but there is no other way. The business drained me of every penny, as I have written before, loosing everything I have ever inherited.
Now living on what little paycheck I can draw I have no other recourse but to file.

My lawyer says I should have my life back after this, lets hope!
I know I am not alone in going broke, with this whole economy going down the drain but the government wants us to believe all is well.

Bush has been standing with his head in the sand for so long, only knowing what people around him wanted him to know, its like he is in a bubble or something full of denial. It looks like his head in the sand buddies are all falling thru the cracks and his world is shattering, which, has already happened to the nation around him with out his noticing! Its now like he is treading water trying to stay afloat running off to NO and Florida for his photo shots making sure the people know he is still involved in the United States. Who does he think he is fooling?

Ok enough of my soap box, the whole meaning being, that so many people have been held up with credit for so long, and, the economy has been held up in a bubble, and now the bubble is about to collapse, how will we as a nation survive? We are being taken down to a lower level, no longer the top dog on the heap, will we keep our chins up or become humbled and put into our place? Ego, self, something which is in the soul of our being. As the rest of the world sees us tumbling down in a spiral whirl into the fiery sea.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Added another day to my life


Image hosted by Photobucket.com



ok Christina, I have added another blinkie! hope you notice :)



 



At dinner, I announced I had lost another pound, with out a blink, he said "where?"



he can be so cold and uncaring, I just wanted to scream but he doesnt get it.



I just want to be loved and cared about I am so tired of taking care of HIM with out anything coming back myway.  I know that is selfish but how long does one have to live with out somesort of emotional input coming back?



After having another general weekend, me working, coming home to him being drunk, I am just DONE! I have kicked him out so many times but he doesnt leave, I have shut him out emotionally.  He was limping around the house yesterday looking for some sympathy and I had none to give him, not one bit.  I am emotionally empty to him. 




 

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

let the chips fall

Its been a year now, since we left for Florida, with hope in our souls for a new start. Only to find, we had no job once we got down there. My partner repeatedly applied for job after job day in and day out, I was impressed with his perseverance. Even tho he never landed a job, I never felt it was his fault. I heard his phone calls, his ability to follow up with his applications, and, yet, no one wanted to hire him for what ever reasons. With our tails between our legs, we loaded up, and came back to good ole Kansas.
It has been one hell of a year. Yet,since coming back to hometown, he has landed job after job, only to keep it for 2 months or less. This final job is a good one, it might not pay well, but, he will be able to work himself up to a better pay if he can just stick with it. His back is bothering him terribly, and, I feel for him, but, I will not tolerate him sitting at home getting drunk everyday while I work a full time job. Which brings me to my dilemma, why can I not go apply? Everytime I hear of a job which is not very often, I find a reason not to take my application down.
Im beginning to feel like such a looser, my self worth is so low at this time, I just cant seem to make myself turn things around once again! So, that makes me no better than him, he a drunk, me a looser...we deserve each other right?
Im at my wits end of starting over, no longer my parents little girl who they loved taking care of, no longer the dependent wife, daughter, but, the "independent" flunky who cant seem to make a living. Menial jobs, paying $6.50 an hour or less is all I can seem to find around here, and, that is not making a living, barely a surviving wage. Yet, the big shots of corporations make multimillions, Oprah is worth Billions, and, we, the underdogs who do the grunt work are only worth $6.50 an hour! IT MAKES ME SICK! Being self employed all of these years, has kept me making a living, but, loosing all I have ever inherited and invested, so, obviously, Im too stupid to make money!
Why is it the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
My emotions range from the lowest of low, to almost a medium of being ok but, never on top of the world. I want to stand in the middle of the road and scream out but no one will hear me anyway so what is the use?
So much destruction is upon our country, the world in a whole is like a tightly wound coil ready to spring at any time.
Maybe the nuclear way out is the only way out?
Have we become such a people who are so intolerant of each other that the only way to deal with it is to destroy each other?

Boy is that a long shot from where I started with this entry today?
Which is how my emotions seems to flag back and forth, up and down, I cant seem to focus on anyone thing any more. It makes me sick to know he has been offered help thru so many services, and he only drinks his way out of being responsible, and I have so much pride I cant go ask for the same help he has been offered, I can only crawl deeper and deeper into my hole of despair.

What I wouldnt give for a good mellow shot today, seems to be one of the only things that helps me crawl from under this rock I have grown so accustom to.
The weather is great, October is the BEST month to be in Kansas, not to hot, not too cold, that crisp air in the evenings. Leaves falling from the trees, and, normally the grass is done growing. This year, we have had so much rain, the grass may need to be cut one last time here soon.
I am almost done with painting the inside of the house, getting things looking better. After moving into this dump, which had been abused by renters for 15 years. We had to live in it for the past 3 years with out doing anything to it. Since being back from Florida, I have all but one room done then it will feel like home.
Or, as close to home as I will ever feel again. All my hopes and dreams have crumbled in ever having a "decent" home again, and If I could let go of all my baggage and load up and just leave, where would I go?
I dont see myself growing old in this town, but it is a town where most people move to retire and grow old and die.
I WANT TO LIVE BEFORE I DIE!
and lving here is NOT MY IDEA OF LIFE !!!!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Image hosted by Photobucket.com



Ok so I might get a little carried away with my new toy, but, thanks to Christina, I now know how to decorate, at least a bit.  Some of the blogs I see are so creative!



I was feeling rather dull, and left out, so, I wrote to her and asked if she could help me, she was very cordial, and kind, and PATIENT!



Maybe someday I will be able to do a website, but till then, bloggin will have to do!



also, thanks to OTTO for the blinkies, here is the link if you like the blinkies..




Image hosted by Photobucket.com

A new world BLINKIES!!! YEHA



Thanks to my new friend Christina, I now can decorate my space a bit!
THANKS CRHISTINA from the Phillipines!

Monday, October 17, 2005

Drum Circle

We went to a "drum circle" today, the only thing we knew about it was an article in the newspaper with the headline "to a different drummer" wanting a new experience, dying for a new experience, we went.
When we got there, there were maybe 20 people sitting in a circle, maybe a few knowing each other but for the most part strangers. The leader explained ever so briefly about going to his first drum circle in Lawrence a few months back, and from that time on he had been hooked. How he had come up with "Rhythm Nation" as the theme of his group he was hoping to form, and, how this first circle was dedicated to the victims of Katrina, and he was going to be taking an offering. (that was the only political stance or view of anything said)
He had lots of drums there for anyone who wanted one to join in, or, offered those of us who didn't have drums to just sit and participate by listening and getting into the beat.
One beat, One heart beat, is the motto on his banner.
He then started with a simple slow beat and asked all to just join in. It was almost a spiritual moment for me which seems weird. As I sat there eyes closed just being, listening, allowing the beat to go thru me. I found myself offering up prayers of thanksgiving for unity, serenity, and peace. In my everyday life it becomes so full of chaos and obstructions that I know I fail to just sit and meditate. Sitting there, thinking and allowing. It was almost like, WOW why doesnt everyone do this!
There was no political view point, no church viewpoint, no special interest or vocalization of having to agree with this or that.
Just be! As people came late we opened the circle to allow others to join in, before it was over there were more than 50 people coming together just to go "to a different drummer"
In my own opinion most were not Newtonites but I don't know that for sure. The people I did know were formerly of the drug culture and been clean and sober for years (or so they portray) No formal introductions were done, only if you wanted to put your hand out to know the person next to you did anyone offer a name or even introduction. I actually met the lady next to me and her friend neither from Newton! I don't know how long its been since I have actually met a NEW person. I have found people in hometown just don't put their hand out to others, or maybe I have just become that unapproachable.

It was an amazing moment, a reflective moment, and a moment I much needed. I have been contemplating my goals, and my time here in hometown, it seems it is just a place to come to die. No newness, nothing to motivate anyone to become better, nothing to get a person out of a rut. Plenty of nursing homes and retirement centers, and there, they don't offer new life experiences, its a place to die!
For a moment, there were no expectations, only what each person brought emotionally, and spiritually in order to just be.

I cant wait till the next drum circle, which, wont be until Dec. 3....sigh, such a long wait!

Friday, October 07, 2005

living what we learned

I finally realize something today
Partner is living out what he knows, what he learned from his sick dad, and its making us both sick.
He learned to not want to work because no job was ever good enough for his dad, so, his mom had to be the soul supplier for their family of 9 kids and 2 parents!
In the days of no welfare, she worked night shift cooking at a supper club and brining home the left overs to feed her family. Partner was the "responsible" one who had to make sure his brothers and sisters had food to eat for supper, had to make sure they stayed quiet enough outside while their mom and dad had a romp in the sack all day on Saturdays, and took the brunt of his dads anger in life. Now, Im trying to keep him supplied, and taken care of, instead of him trying to keep me secure and taken care of....
I lived with security and love from my parents and they gave me everything, except allowing me to learn how to make decisions, how to make a living and how to be independent.
I dont know how to do any of these things, and, I have expected him to take care of me, but he cant even take care of himself, so why would he take care of me? He has never taken care of anyone except himself. HE cant even give me a back rub, when I tell him it feels good he right away quits.
I have lost faith that things will ever get better, I just dont know how to make it stop.
I dont have the guts to kick him out, and I dont have the guts to keep going on this route....

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Hell just keeps comin on

hell just keeps on comin
No matter what I cant seem to get out of the way of trouble.
He was on one of his drinking binges again, lost his job and now in detox.
I dont have a clue how Im going to make bills this month. I figured it out today I need 14.00 an hour to make enough just to pay what few bills and utilities and housepayment, carpayment i have, there is NO way in this fucking town I can even find a job that pays more than around 8.00, and no one is hiring full time.
There is no way I can do the factory work anylonger, and, I cant take the pace of the fast food joints anymore. I have prayed and begged, I just dont know what Im going to do.
How is it people on Oprah, and Dr Phil always seem to come out on top of things.
I dont believe that old saying, if you work hard enough you can do anything.
Its NOT TRUE!

I am so sorry for those who have lost everything in the hurricanes but at least they will have help rebuilding, I have no one to help me, I am so tired of starting over...