flushed- down-

ever have that sinking filling that all was not what it was supposed to be?

all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism

i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood

so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god

knowing im saved because thats what they have told me

"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....


standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....

we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLIND
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....


I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you

I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow

God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?

or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....

you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost

after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone

and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger

i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm


and he has treated me so harshly

is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?

we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....

but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...

its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused

and at 4 say's

"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"

he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later

tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for

how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve

i think my heart just got flushed down the drain

http://youtu.be/Yl4J1fjuKdg

2012

The days are moving faster, the years have flown by
so many mistakes so few successes
life is the most challenging it has ever been at this point of my life

so alone
so secluded
the only interaction i have that isnt volitile is
those friends on FB
and they arent even people i know

its pretty depressing when my online friends know me better than
my home town friends

i have had many friends in home town
but, im the one who has to invite them out

twice in 3 years i have gotten an invite to lunch with a friend
other than with a realitive

how in the world has my world gotten so small

I have brought men into my life, whom i loved so very much
both have so many friends outside of me
and i am the one who wanted the friends

my tears are silent
my heart grows dull
love given to those i love
the old ones
the ones who knew me as a child
all of my life
i have watched from afar
as others had fun, going to parties
and being their
in the laughter
me...... off by myself watching from afar <<->>

@>->0Mg<=-<@

talking to a boy was always a big cheer
only to have another girl come
take them away

the two i ended up with
were mine, until the sex ran out

sex...over love....

what do we do for love??