those who join me in my head--hello---is anyone there?

Friday, December 30, 2005

GG Experiment

GG Experiment

It seems I have been having full circle moments lately. Time to be born again, restarting, time of excitement. I put full circle into my search tool on my computer and wala, up came this great blog which had this great little video....hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and, I signed up for the 42 day experiment , but so far have not been able to get my address to take on the site. House mate signed up and got on right away, so, maybe they dont like me?
When I saw the video, I said, WOW, I GET IT...he didnt get it, and gets signed on to the experiment...now..I dont get it! haha
anyway, check it out, its GREAT.
The past century for me has been painfull, Im looking for good now....Im ready to START OVER....
Happy New YEAR..2006

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Christmas Day

The day is over, it was good, even tho my son was not here.
He stayed in Colorado, his g/f's dad was there from minnesota, and, they invited us but I cant drive that far and go to work the next day which is what would have happened. So, maybe in a few months daughter and I will make the trip, altho, if I get the new job, I will not have time off for quite a while.

The EX came to see daughter, hubby, and granddaughter, he had not met her since he has been gone for 4 years. It is always so good to see him, he gave his big hugs to everyone which really feels good, making me feel as tho he did appreciate the family I tried to share with him when we were married. He just didnt know how to accept it, or appreciate it then. Some days I feel as tho I just really miss him so much, funny how the past 9 years have gone by and I have not really given him much thought, it was just over....now...he is back, and it is like another re-run in my life....I dont want to push myself on him, and I have tried to show him how welcome he is to come back into my life, but, he doesnt call, or, make any effort to make contact first. I can tell he still loves me, but, maybe it is because I have a live in that he doesnt feel he should? Or...am I miss reading him?
For what ever reason he came back into my life, I just want to take the lessons and run with them...

I had a revelation this afternoon, watching The Lord of the Rings-The Return-
God gives us information to be shared with the world, but, how many times do we just squander it off, and not pass it on as we are supposed to? How many times do we just blow it off?
I know everything is coming to full circle in my life, and I WANT TO LEARN THE LESSONS!!! OR....is it re-run time to show we learned the lessons the first time?
I know I feel as tho I just blew off everything...running from all my problems, trying to find happiness, and getting away from all the pain.
Do I go to the minister of the church Im trying to get the job at, and explain my life of sin? I know if they find out im living with a man, they will most probably not hire me. BUT....THEY ARE NOT LIVING IN MY SHOES!!!! Jesus doesnt judge me with this, why should they?
in Fact I have thanked God for bringing live in partner into my life so many times. Altho I know I get far too angry at him at times when he is so drunk he is stupid....
I curse him plenty of times during those drunken states. I wish I could just not allow him to push my buttons, why do I?
He keeps at me till I do blow my mind at him....he HAS TO HAVE THE ATTENTION....
then it all becomes all about him, and he has such an ego and no one is going to be right except him. I hate him when he gets like that.
I hated EX when he got drunk too, but, I never ever felt as angry with him as I do with live in. I always forgave him, daily, and always loved him just as much or more each time we made up. I never held the grudges against him. Why am I so different with live in now? Why do I feel pissed at him, ALL THE TIME?
Even when he's not drunk, I find myself pissy, and bitchy, he asks stupid questions, and my patience with him is so short, and that is not me!
Or should I say, it wasnt me with the ex, or, am i just forgetting how bad it got?
It seems as tho the last year of marriage was a blur, I dont even really remember everything that happened, it is like I was just a visitor in my own life.
We moved from my dream home, we lost our asses trying to raise Emu's. The ex started using meth, I didnt know it, we gave up our foster children, and, I left him.
I moved away from my dad, and, I moved away from Wichita to HArper.....where I started my healing process, and lost every penny I had. Moved back to the town I have NEVER EVER WANTED TO LIVE IN, My dad died, I lost him, my inheritence in a buisniess I loved, and, felt so totally lost. I moved to Florida, and ended up coming back with my tail between my feet, feeling like such a looser.
IT was a great experience but I hated it down there. WHY? Because I didnt know how to start over, didnt know how to get a decent job, and, didnt know how to find a life down there. I had to come back, face ME, and, now...try to start over....
Totally broke, no credit because I cant afford to file bankruptcy, I have the paper work together, but, now, have nothing left to pay the attorney.
The EX came out smelling like a rose financially. I had to give up my share of the farm because his "friends" didnt pay the taxes on the property and the county was going to sell it off for the taxes, I didnt have the money to pay the taxes so, his parents said they would pay the taxes but I had to get off of the property legally. I had to sign over my half to him. NOW, they (his parents) sell it for twice as much as we bought it for.
I feel as thos it was me that caused us to loose our money, we bought and sold three houses during our marriage of 13 1/2 years each time, loosing at least 10,000.00 or more in those ventures....and he turns around and sells the one property i had an interest in financially, for 70,000 more than what we bought it for!
It pisses me off, but....funny how that amount is the amount I ended up in debt with credit cards due to the business venture, and, now he gets it for NOTHING....
I can not see any blessings thru our marrage which was not taken away from me....and he walks out of prison, and makes 70,000!!!! I loose my inheritance which was close too 200,000, plus the credit card debt, and he walks out scot free and has money....
I dont count that against him, just makes me wonder why I am being crushed so?
What is God doing to me, and what lessons is he teaching me that Im not getting?
When my revelations do finally come thru, Im going to have a WHOLE BIBLE TO WRITE! HAHA

Monday, December 19, 2005

Full Circle...25 years now...

Since I am so technologically retarded, I cant get my vcr programmed to "time" record....my old one was so easy, these new ones are the SHITS!
I called my ex to ask if he would come see if he could figure it out..
after I hung up...i realized it was 25 years ago today I called him to come fix my stereo....and...our affair started!!!!!
He had first told me he could come after he got something else done....and would call if he couldnt make it.... he called and said he couldnt make it...wonder if he remembered 25 years ago?????

I cant believe how many things are happening which are "reruns" in my life, another reason to get the FUCK OUT OF TOWN!!!

I have an interview with the church where I went, 30 years ago for secretary job....a job I wanted 30 years ago! Wonder if I have a chance?????
Will they hire a sinner like me?????

Thursday, December 15, 2005

THE EX

A friend of mine gave me a new (used) computer and I had my old one to get rid of
I called my ex and asked if he wanted it, since he is just out of prison, and doesnt have anything, and, he gave me the one I was replacing. He is a techy nerd, and loves to take them apart, and fix em etc, so, figured he could at least play with it.
He came right over, after standing for about 5 minutes I asked if he wanted to sit down, figuring he would just want to pick it up and then leave.
He sat down, we started talking, I asked him if he meant it when he said he just married me because he felt sorry for me. He said, "i dont remember ever telling you that, I dont own it, because I dont remember it" He still loves me, he didnt say it, but, I could tell the way he looked at me. He asked about my living situation, since I have a house mate, and I told him it was basically the same as his dad and his woman he lived with for 24 years. She took his dad in when he was down and out, then, couldnt get rid of him....
We talked for at least 2 hours, and, when we ran out of things to say, he said, he needed to go. I thanked him for allowing me to talk, and to get things straight in my mind, that our marrage wasnt a farce, he did care for me, and, I also told him that I loved him when I left him, I just didnt know what was goign on with him and didnt know how to fix it, so I ran...
I told him I was sorry, and that I still loved him, and would always love him.

We carried the computer and all the stuff to his car, HE reached out ot me and hugged me... I started to cry, and walked away.

I still love him........sigh....

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Unfinished business

question.....how the heck does a person keep lips from becoming chapped!
I have used EVERY type of lip balm this week, and my lips are sooooo chapped!!!!!



ok, now...done ranting, about lips...maybe they need a tender kiss. Its been so very long....

In my privious post, I was trying to find finis to my marrage, my ex, make it my past. Which, I had thought was done, gone, over. But, all at once, a surprise of
excitement, joy, and exuberance came along after seeing my ex for the first time in 6 years. I thought I was on the road to recovery of the past 4 years, with feeling better, emotionally, and physically. My past year has been one of the most painfull. Now, Im seeing, it has been the accumulation of the past 53 years, not being dealt with unfinished business, but, how, do I finish it since most of them are dead, or, gone out of my life?

It is now, I have to start completely over.
I have my live in partner, but, we have NO relationship, emotionally I feel nothing for him, other than, love for what he has gone thru, seeing the pain he has lived with all of these years, and knowing he is still a good person!
He is so full of pain, of past regrets, but cant face them, because he is scared.
Scared to face all the pain?
Scared to face all the emotion of others who have been hurt by him?
He was down and out when I took him in, and, of course, I was desperate, for, help with the restraunt. I didnt want to be desperate, but, they had lied to me in Harper, telling me I could find plenty of good help. WRONG!
It took me almost a year to find decent, trustworthy help. Before that, I had been
lied to, ripped off, and, barely hanging in there.
He had been sober for supposedly 4 years, and, then, we met. I believed him, I thuoght he was honest, and, felt, it would be good help for me.
Something had happened to him, he started drinking again, or, so he said.....again..had he actually quit before meeting me? OR WAS I LIED TO AGAIN?

I am so desperate for friends, and help, that I accept everyone on their word....
believing they mean what they say....
HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN I BE????????

Why can no one be trusted anymore?

Strange things

Strange feelings have been overwelming me since my ex showed up on my doorstep three weeks ago or so.
I have not been able to just sit down and think about it or figure it out.
He has been out of my life since 1997 or so, and, I had not grieved, or allowed myself the reward of actually letting go. Since I left him right after my mom's death, right after letting go of our foster children, right after moving from our farm. I thought I was starting a new life with my travel agency school behind me, new job, and living in a new town, I had the world in my hand. Right?
JD came into my life the day I signed my divorce papers. I had not allowed myself to see other men, or even want to see other men because I wanted to make sure my divorce was because of the lack of relationship with M, and not another mans affections. Backing up some, M and I had been married 13 1/2 years in which, alcoholism controlled most of our relationship. Fighting, being scared he would have a wreck while driving drunk, never knowing where he was after work, never coming home sober. But, yet, I loved him so much, and when he was sober, our sex life was GREAT. I look back now, and, dont know what was real, or, if he ever really cared for me. The words of "i felt sorry for you" keep stabbing me in my heart. Was he just trying to hurt me, did he never care for me? We had such electricity in bed, but, that cant be all there is in a relationship.
We found his dad, we remodeled two homes, we raised three foster children, we moved three times, we had a church family. We raised my two kids from 10 to 18 when they both moved out, good, mature adult children.
WE did have a relationship, didnt we?
By the time I moved out, I was numb to the rejections, the long nights him being gone, and him lying to me. By that time, I had lost my mom, my foster children, my kids had moved out, my dad was needing me more than ever, and I just wanted to run away. So much pain, so much fear, and so much denying my feelings. Move, leave, get out of the line of pain.

School was a demanding 18 months, the only good thing that came out of it was my best friend whose name is the same as mine, her last name was the same as mine at one time, and, she even had a daughter with the same name as my daughter. Hef fathers name was the same as my fatherinlaws name, and, we were instant friends!
We laughed till we cried, we studied together, and, the day she quit school, it broke my heart. It was a difficult time for me to finish school, but I made it thru.
As I started my new career, I knew I was not prepared for it, the school was basically a farce, they didnt give a true show of what the profession was all about, they showed a lack of qualified teachers, and I feel they just took our money.
It was supposed to be a possible retake of classes but, they closed the year after I graduated. Im still paying the fucking student loans! AND NOT DOing what I studied to be! Another failure in my life.

After graduation, I landed a job in a busy travel agency. The woman who hired me would have been a GREAT teacher, and we hit it off very well. Then, the owner of the shop fired her, and hired on a tiny little witch. she hated me, and made it very difficult to stay on my job. JD came into my life, swept me off my feet, and dumped me. I dont know that it was loosing JD, but, having so many losses in such a short time, i was over welmed with pain. I couldnt focus on my job, I ended up on anti depressents. I got fired, over a stupid mistake, but, she was looking for a reason to fire me anyway and took the opportunity! Sending me on the rollercoaster ride of my life.....

I had not dealt with loosing my marrage, my mom, my foster kids, now...I had to deal with one more loss.

NOW.....year 2005....here I am...dealing with the loss of my ex in my life. I had not allowed myself to miss him, to know he was gone....he was in prison with in 4 years after our divorce, I thought I would not see him for at least 12 more years.
HAving him show up on my doorstep, looking so good, and remembering what we had at one time...good and bad....now....i want to just talk to him....
but, i cant....
it hurts so bad....
to remember the rejections he gave me....i dont want to feel that again....

Friday, December 02, 2005

Trip to KC

I was ever so scared of having to go to KC and do the outside catering in the friggin cold weather.
I called upon the Lord, asked him for acceptable weather, and, capability to do the work. He honored my prayers. He along with the Railroad guys, put us in a building out of the weather, and, gave me good help who was able to do the lifting.
MY thanks go out to my father in heaven!!!!!

We made it thru with little incident, only head butting happened with the other person in charge. I didn't want to make her mad, but there are some things she does which can be done so much easier, and better but, she wont try it unless its her idea! I DISLIKE PEOPLE LIKE HER! Am I like that?
I certainly hope not!

I got home, R was drunk, I had a lot to say, so, asked if we could go out to dinner...hoping he would be capable of a decent visit. It was OK, by the time we got home all I wanted to do was get away from him again.
I guess that shows how it is going with us!

I miss my ex so much, I want to sit across the table and talk to him, but, would it be where we left off or, has he really moved on? Would we be able to find common ground? We made common ground when we were married, but, he never really fit into my life, nor me into his, but our friends from church were our common ground, our foster kids, and, our "love" for each other...
I know I haven't....moved on....
I have survived during his being gone, but, i have not lived, if there is one thing I learned during my short love affair with JD, I WAS ALIVE!!!
I had NEVER felt like that, and never hurt so badly!!

When I divorced my ex, I would not allow myself to miss him, JD came along the day I signed the divorce papers, and, he took me down the road of pain, which took the place of my dealing with my divorce.
I had thought I was "fine" with leaving M. Knowing he had rejected me so much, I just felt numb to the final rejection, of him not trying to stop the divorce.
Not carring enough to really tell me he didnt want it.....he wanted it, and, it was his way of finally getting me out of his life, now....It pains me to feel that it is over, because he never wanted me in the first place.
I just want to ask him if he EVER felt anything for me, or if he really ment it when he said the only reason he married me was because he felt sorry for me....those words still cut deep into my heart.


My gut pains me, knowing how much I loved him, and, felt the rejection of his affection to me, which I felt was because of his drinking. I don't feel rejected by R, per say, but, With R its always a struggle to find space to be ME.... We talk, and we relate when it comes to "work" but there is no us, relationship....no passion between us.

I think there was love between me and my ex, at least when we had sex, it felt like we both were making love. However,knowing also when I was with JD, I know, I made love to him, he was just a good faker at making me believe he was making love back to me...I guess I just don't really know what true love is.
For so long R and I seem to fit so well, in all ways, except the sex part, and, now, I'm begging to not be able to fit in other ways....is it because my ex is kind of back in my life?

OH CRAP.......got sentimental, and called him.....not good.....
I screwed up tonight, I called M, telling him about the meeting of the Drum Circle tomorrow. I feel it is a good place for him, it is alot of ex druggies, trying to bring 100 drums to one beat....
a sobriety circle, knowing where they have been, where they are going, something with a cause, a reason, a beat...something spiritual...
I got stupid, started crying, telling him how much I have missed him
SHIT why do I do those stupid things?

He will definitly not go to drum circle if he feels im trying to make a pass at him again....I dont want that, I just want a chance to be his friend...why cant men
understand, they CAN be friends with a woman without sex?
My 1st ex, my kids dad, would have been a GREAT FRIEND, except his friggin wife, she is so jelous of our friendship....so, I just go on missing him too.
Not being a part of a family which meant so much to me until his parents died in that horrible wreck.


As I was talking on the phone, R came into the room and had to make sure M heard him tell me to come on to bed...he NEVER asks me to come to bed...
I DONT SLEEP WITH HIM!!!!
was it his way of being jelous?

I dont want games to be played, I just want to walk in the right direction!!!!!

Deli Momma is desiring to come back out, move back to the deli, and bbq she loved so much!! BUT, not wanting to make same mistakes, and, not sure if she wants to go back down traveled roads! How about a New Adventure?