Strange things

Strange feelings have been overwelming me since my ex showed up on my doorstep three weeks ago or so.
I have not been able to just sit down and think about it or figure it out.
He has been out of my life since 1997 or so, and, I had not grieved, or allowed myself the reward of actually letting go. Since I left him right after my mom's death, right after letting go of our foster children, right after moving from our farm. I thought I was starting a new life with my travel agency school behind me, new job, and living in a new town, I had the world in my hand. Right?
JD came into my life the day I signed my divorce papers. I had not allowed myself to see other men, or even want to see other men because I wanted to make sure my divorce was because of the lack of relationship with M, and not another mans affections. Backing up some, M and I had been married 13 1/2 years in which, alcoholism controlled most of our relationship. Fighting, being scared he would have a wreck while driving drunk, never knowing where he was after work, never coming home sober. But, yet, I loved him so much, and when he was sober, our sex life was GREAT. I look back now, and, dont know what was real, or, if he ever really cared for me. The words of "i felt sorry for you" keep stabbing me in my heart. Was he just trying to hurt me, did he never care for me? We had such electricity in bed, but, that cant be all there is in a relationship.
We found his dad, we remodeled two homes, we raised three foster children, we moved three times, we had a church family. We raised my two kids from 10 to 18 when they both moved out, good, mature adult children.
WE did have a relationship, didnt we?
By the time I moved out, I was numb to the rejections, the long nights him being gone, and him lying to me. By that time, I had lost my mom, my foster children, my kids had moved out, my dad was needing me more than ever, and I just wanted to run away. So much pain, so much fear, and so much denying my feelings. Move, leave, get out of the line of pain.

School was a demanding 18 months, the only good thing that came out of it was my best friend whose name is the same as mine, her last name was the same as mine at one time, and, she even had a daughter with the same name as my daughter. Hef fathers name was the same as my fatherinlaws name, and, we were instant friends!
We laughed till we cried, we studied together, and, the day she quit school, it broke my heart. It was a difficult time for me to finish school, but I made it thru.
As I started my new career, I knew I was not prepared for it, the school was basically a farce, they didnt give a true show of what the profession was all about, they showed a lack of qualified teachers, and I feel they just took our money.
It was supposed to be a possible retake of classes but, they closed the year after I graduated. Im still paying the fucking student loans! AND NOT DOing what I studied to be! Another failure in my life.

After graduation, I landed a job in a busy travel agency. The woman who hired me would have been a GREAT teacher, and we hit it off very well. Then, the owner of the shop fired her, and hired on a tiny little witch. she hated me, and made it very difficult to stay on my job. JD came into my life, swept me off my feet, and dumped me. I dont know that it was loosing JD, but, having so many losses in such a short time, i was over welmed with pain. I couldnt focus on my job, I ended up on anti depressents. I got fired, over a stupid mistake, but, she was looking for a reason to fire me anyway and took the opportunity! Sending me on the rollercoaster ride of my life.....

I had not dealt with loosing my marrage, my mom, my foster kids, now...I had to deal with one more loss.

NOW.....year 2005....here I am...dealing with the loss of my ex in my life. I had not allowed myself to miss him, to know he was gone....he was in prison with in 4 years after our divorce, I thought I would not see him for at least 12 more years.
HAving him show up on my doorstep, looking so good, and remembering what we had at one time...good and bad....now....i want to just talk to him....
but, i cant....
it hurts so bad....
to remember the rejections he gave me....i dont want to feel that again....