Rosalea in Harper KS

HAPPY 2008 HOLIDAY NEWS FROM HARPER & THE BALMER FUND! *

Because I am out in the Kansas boondocks with only minimal help, you may
be inadvertently receiving this email. If so, we apologize. Simply write
QUIT in the subject box and return it to us and your name will be removed.

For the rest of you who wait with baited breath about every new soap
opera escapade from the City of Harper, Kansas: Suicide Town, we want to
report that the Harper City Council successfully demolished our
beautiful historic Buckeye this fall, despite our Injunction that was
overthrown by a telephone “court” held by the Judge, the City Attorney
and our own Attorney. Stay tuned in 2009 for what may be the thrill of
your life as we gather our wits and raise funds for a high powered
attorney, and sue the hell out of the City of Harper. It is long over
do. And with luck, some of it may spill over to the same type
shenanigans from Anthony City Commission who also illegally destroyed
our historic King Parrot Warehouse last year.

We have been told that there are investigations going on by “powers
above.” If that is the case, you won’t want to miss a thing. Our own
Reality Show right here in Harper County Kansas America! Does anyone
else smell a forty year criminal conspiracy to destroy Rosalea?

We have been posting more YouTubes. Remember, we are a motley
crew….Loren is 85 and forgets to turn the sound on sometimes and can’t
cut out the wind noise, Ralph is 69 and can’t remember his last name,
and I am Rosalea who Ain’t Dead Yet! Please pass on this email to five
of your friends. We want the world to know about Suicide Town so
everyone can get the thrill of watching a small Kansas town
self-destruct right before their very eyes. It’s not what we want but it
is obviously what the people choose by who they elect to power. Soon
Harper will be no more unless you take action now! Move over, Greensburg!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWc0OqtiB0E Harper, Kansas Suicide Town #1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8mgNcLzPhk Harper, Kansas Suicide Town
#2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11UtIl1UfEU Harper, Kansas Suicide
Town #3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IG01sVj_vUY Bugabully Day

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uP_PzpYqOpk Harper Suicide Town #4*

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2U79iw8fyw Harper Suicide Town #5*


Don’t miss a thing. Subscribe today to our monthly Prairie Connection
for only $24 (your own or gift)….…..and add any new subscribers for only
half price….$12 each. Oklahoma and Kansas Libraries and senior centers
would enjoy copies. It is a 24 page tab, grassroots, all volunteer,
provocative and entertaining, ten issues a year.

It’s going to be a rough go for The Balmer Fund, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit,
in the tough economic time ahead. We are Survivors but with your minimal
help, we can make it! Your tax deductible gift can be directed in any
way you chose…for The Balmer Fund General Fund, Prairie Arts Theatre
roof (goal: $30,000) or for the Balmer Fund Legal Defense Fund (goal:
$20,000). Just send us an email to let us know your choice, and then use
our PayPal account found at: www.prairieconnect.com
Or mail your subscriptions and/or
contributions to: The Balmer Fund/Prairie Connection, 121 West Main,
Harper, KS 67058 Your support is greatly appreciated. With your help, we
will survive and clean up this decades of hate and vindictiveness.


Come enjoy the Holidays in one of our local vacant lots! I will be happy
to give you a personal guided tour and I will throw in 40 years of
chronic vandalism as a bonus!

Rosalea Hostetler, President & Survivor

The Balmer Fund

“Preserving the history, art & culture of the prairies for future
generations”

great place to meet others OUR age :)

this is a great place to meet people over 40!
The first few weeks were frustrating, and left me crying many times after visiting.
So many people with the same situations. It was like heaven finding others in the same boat.
I hope you will check it out and send me a note :)
TuesdaysRuby!!

New pages, new time, new......

Ok, I am now, done with my past, or so I hope....and time to move on
and let go, renew, re-

Knowing that life is short, and I have less and less time to move forward, why would I want to stay stuck in my past muck, and mire...get out of the quick sand and step forward.

For years I have had inner feelings of something other than what I have been taught here, trying so hard to fit in, trying to figure out why what "they" said didnt make sence, it wasnt fiting together....

but, I kept with it, I kept trying to put the pieces together.

It started years ago reading the rags from the grocery store, you know the ones. The sensatinalism, the national inquirer, those types...
the ones that people laugh at you if you buyinto the stories...
That is what "they" want you to believe....

For years, I had done my own searches, my own researches...
and its all coming together...
laugh at me all you want, but, it is finally starting to make sense..
I will be adding websites stating such.
Follow along, or dump me on the side of the web, its ok, I'm used to being out here alone...

But here today, I am making a pack with myself not to go back to the old belief and the old lies and the old crap that has been force fed us by the centuries old "ones in charge".....
I have chosen to move on and find my path with out them...

There is something big happening, and I want to be a part of it. A spiritual awakening of such magnitude and I want to be right smack dab in the middle of it. I can only hope and pray the old falls off, and new grows vibrantly full of color and love.

Now, if someone could just tell me how to dejunk my house of all the negative furniture that has built up from dead family members.....sigh...

the ho in town

Im sure by now my neighbors think of me as a real ho, when I moved in with my business partner, "house mate" and with him not being my husband but a business partner and sleeping in his own room.

KNowing that this is a very moral, Christian town, I am truly surprised that anyone has even spoken to me moving back unmarried, livin with the ole partner...drunken partner at that...

My relatives have never been real close since my childhood. I had my favorite cousins, the ones who were closest to my age, but once we all got married and had families, we have drifted apart. So many things have happened during those years, so many heart breaks, looses, and joys unshared....we barely know each other anylonger.

Working jobs that required me to work weekends over the past 30 years has also kept me from having a lot of friendships, other than a few people met at churches, but now treat me like an aquaintence more than anything else.

My children were raised by my ex, and myself with shared custody, but, "dad" got to take the kids on vacations, and do the fun stuff together because he had the money. I worked 15 hours a day to keep bread on the tables....so there was little time to go do the fun stuff.....and...at that time i was married to an alcoholic who, never wanted to do the fun stuff wth us....so, most probably i opted to work so i had another excuse not to go?
None the less, my kids dont have alot to do with me. My son lives in Colorado, and has not been home for 3 years, and he rarely calls. My birthday in July was the last time he called me. I have called him 3 times, but trying to not call him today. My daughter lives 21 minutes away, and is too busy to even call.

She is on the outs with me right now anyway because I dont live the good christian life that she thinks i should. Im the one who drove her to church every Sunday, not wanting to go, but I was demanding of her to go.
and, now, I have failed in her eyes because I have choosen to live with my partner, and be unmarried. (more on this later)

During the time of our BBQ buisness being up and running, we were working 7 days a week, and trying to keep things afloat. His mentally ill brother came to stay with us, so, then, here I was living with two men in my home, in none sexual relationships...does that make me a bad person?

Now, 3 years later, I find myself, no longer living with my partner and his brother, partner left to go live in a homeless shelter with a year long program for addicts, giving them an 87% chance of recovery. That is so much more than the 10% chance of recover that most multi thousand dollar "recovery centers" give a person.
His brother finally got on medication and is living on his own. To which I am very thankful for both men to be doing what they need to be doing instead of living off of me.

3 months before the partner took off for washington, in walks my Ex. Someone whom I have loved with all my heart for so long, but life took us in different directions and I had to take a different direction 10 years ago. We were broght back together by circumstances I could have never arranged. And, right at the time that my partner decided to make the move to Washington, so it was not like i kicked him out to get my ex in.

The first two months were hell. He could not accept having another man living in the house, and even tho we-partner and myself tried to make him feel as comfortable as we could. He was gone alot of the time spending time with his old drug buddies in the big city, then come home in a terrible mood. It would take him 3-4 days to become human again, and he would go back and it would start all over again.....the third month, toward the end of the month, my partner left for his journey to Washington state.

Enter the 4th month of living together again for the first time in 10 years ...Wen he first walked back into my life after 5 years of divorce, I could not believe how wonderful it was to have him back in my life, I had forgotten what it felt like to be held by him he hugged me when e walked into the door, and OMG, I melted again. IT was like we had first met. The electric spark was so strong I wanted to push him to the floor and pull off his clothes and have wild wonderful sex right there with him. But...my daughter, son-inlaw, granddaughter and house parter and his brother were all sitting at the table, so, figured it might not be a good idea!

Living with that reminder.....house mate and I had tried to have sex a few times but it just was nothing there, no spark what so ever...so, neither of us could bring ourselves to even try again. So, it was a life with a man with out sex. Those feelings were gone, for what I thought forever.
Oh it felt like an explosion to feel "turned on" again!!!!!

So, now backing up a bit, to have my ex back ino my life now, knowing that the old "spark" is still there....I knew, I was doomed....to live a life with no sex, and no physical action as long as I was with my partner.
Did, in fact...I create what happened next?

View my page on BoomerCentral

What is the meaning of it .....life....why....how...when....

How is it that life just seems to be....
nothing less, nothing more...
does anyone else feel as tho their life has been meaningless, and empty?
I have tried to live a purpose filled life, but.... forgive me Lord, for I cannot see....
forgive me Lord, for I cannot hear...

Having my ex come back into my life after a 10 year vacation from each other was/has been a wonderful experience...but...what is the purpose?
What is the meaning of it all?

My partner of 7 1/2 years, left to go to Washington State to get into a year long program for addicts, and the weekend before he was to be entered into the program his sister is killed in a motorcycle accident...what is the purpose of it....
what is the reason for living...
why...do we have to have so many bad things happen....

what is all of the chaos in our life all about?

I came to bring peace, and love and acceptance, but have only seen pain, missery and ......


Days go by so fast, from one paycheck to the next, never getting any further ahead... never finding a way out of the town i grew up in. Never seeing the dreams or hopes fullfilled..

People like Oprah say we make our own destiny...that is full BULLSHIT...

Would someone please tell me...why...how...when....

I have always believed in the reasoning things happen for a reason, God has a plan, life has meaning, but the older i get the less i can hang on to those believes....and, it saddens me to think perhaps, its just all bogus...

one big lie?

Have I lived a lie all my life
full of deceptions and fake meanings...?

is anyone out there?
oh how i wish, i could make contact....

im so tired of feeling like an alien...

Its been over a month now

Since my partner left, and, being in the same home as my ex, life has taken some interesting turns. It seems having the house to himself, with out the presence of another man, now, he has put his own touches on life. Cleaned out the garage, cleaned out the office, cleaned out the room i allowed him to live in. He has helped me move furniture around in living room, and helped make the house become more liveable....it is interesting to see how he has changed. His car is not running, and he has no money to fix it, so....im not sure if it is because he has no form of transportation to run to his other friends, or, because he really wants to be here.
BUT....life is incredible right now. It just feels right....
for the first time in 10 years since our divorce, do i feel like im finally in the right place at the right time, and feeling like life is worth living once again.
He is still unable to voice his likes and dislikes, and unable to vocalize any emotions, but.....we are fitting in many ways that count :)

I have had to become totally unvocalizing, not give him my 2cents worth, and keep my feelings to my self, which has been a real struggle. I have written him emails, he reads them, but will not talk to me about them. In some twisted way this seems to be working. For the first time in our life together which goes back to 1980, we are finally learning to communicate.

I fell in love (lust) with him the moment i saw him. I was in a misserable marriage, where life had failed to thrive. With the loss of our family members father inlaw, mother inlaw, and two sister inlaws, in 1978, which was 30 years ago on May 15th this year. My first marriage died. My children grew up not even knowing much about the wreck, about thier grandparents and aunts who died in that tradgic accident.
I tried to teach them and talk to them about it but they didnt want to talk to me about it, so, I carried the pain of loss and grief in hope that one day they would ask questions. When my dad died in 2003, the first drawer i opened was in the dinning room buffet, and there was a newspaper article about the wreck. My kids and I sat down and talked about it then, and not since.
At, the time of the wreck, my ex shut me out, the only thing we could communicate thru was our sex life, and it was nill.....

In 1980, I was working a dead end job, in a burger joint, and trying to keep a home going with two small children. My needs and wants were two seperate things, and they took over my life. I can see now how selfish i became, and how empty I was, but, one thing that kept me going was a need to be wanted....and needed...

I soon found myself seperated from my husband I had married when I was 17, still a Sr. in highschool. He was 21 and just out of the Army. What did either of us know about marriage, and love? What did we know about keeping a marriage going. After his parents deaths, we went to a grief support group, or I should say, we went one night....I finsihed the sessions, but he didnt. It was very healing for me, since I had fallen into a deep depression because of the pain, and emptiness their deaths had brought into our lives. I was no longer needed, I no longer knew how to communicate with my husband, and no longer felt loved or wanted. Since I had skipped the dating scene by getting married to my highschool love, I started to go out at night with friends to the bars. I began searching for love in all the wrong places, and funny thing, that was the song at the time too...i should have listened!

My journey has been a rough ride, my trip has not been full of joy and enjoyment, but, it has been my ride, my trip, and my journey.
I do not fit into the mold of the good christian girl from Kansas, in fact, i would most probably be considered the samaritan girl at the well..

But Jesus has been my guide, my sourse of light to keep me going, even tho, my path has been in darkness many days. I knew, there had to be hope for change, vision for a future, and knowledge that life wold not always be hell.

I left my husband for a lover, the one i fell in lust with in 1980. After 1 1/2 years of seperation from husband, i divorced him. I can still remember the night he came over to my home, after we had talked on the phone and decided we did not want a divorce. He showed up...and the first thing he did was try to get me into bed, I pushed him away, and said...no, its not going to work...im sorry its over. I want the divorce. We filed and with in the next few months it was over, I never turned back or wished it would not have happened. We always have continued to be friends for the childrens sake. He always paid his child support and always took his turn with the kids. I am sorry the kids had to suffer thru divorce, and the pain of havng terrible step mothers and a drunken step dad.... but they survived and are great kids.
And, have survived emotionally to grow into Great adults, and parents...

Back to 1980, my lust lover....
We continued to build our life together. We married in 1982 (i dont even remember what year...)
We lived in an old victorian house. Raised my two kids with many nights of him being drunk and not able to fullfill promises of going to movies, outings etc....kids grew up with a drunken step father. He could have been a GREAT step dad, but, he chose to fight it, saying "they have a dad, they dont need me...." he was wrong, they did need him, and it is sad he didnt take the time to really try....they have forgiven him....I can only hope, healing will take place fully in the future.

I needed him, and I thought he needed me, but no matter what, we always fit physically at the end of the day going into the night....

Our fight for what?
I knew he was an alcoholic, and knew he had problems communicating with his mom, she had emotionally abused him as a child, and, all i wanted to do was see him healed and walk thru all of those childhood pains.
After being married for a short time, I realized the problem was bigger than i ever imagined, it soon became my passion to see him sober, and walking upright thru his addictions. I had not been in a church for over 7 years, after the death of my inlaws, and the church not reaching out to us, I walked away from their fellowship.

I soon realized how big the problem was, involving drugs, and days of him being gone, not knowing wheere he had gone who his friends were, nothing about his life. I wanted so much to be a part of his life, and he be a part of mine, but...he was running...and I was running after him....

I spent 14 1.2 years running after him....we inherited a lot of money from his fathers death. His mom had kept him from his father by saying he had died....he was 6 when his "father died" she spent the rest of those years lying and keeping him in the dark on his dads disapearance.
When the craziness became so bad, I called his brother who at that time was finishing up his college life of becoming a shrink....I thought if anyone could help ,it might be him. After speaking on the phone for a short while, I dont remember the conversation, but, I found out his father was not dead, he was very much alive, and, his first cousin had played organ for his brothers wedding, and no one had even cared to tell my husband ....
how insensitive to him.

Now After 10 years of seperation from the family and from him i can see how horrible they have been to him over the years, no wonder he wants nothing to do with them, and I pushed him to make amends!
For this I am so sorry!!!!

We did in fact find his dad ,and it was the best 6 years of our marriage. He quit drinking, he was sober, and he had a relationship with his dad. We traveled to KC to see him quite often and, when he died, he left us buco bucks!

Phase two of our marriage. We had money....we spent money....we lost money....his drug addiction took us down a road I did not know, did not understand, and did not know how to fight...I left....

We divorced in 1998, and had not seen each other until 3 years ago when he showed up on my door step after getting out of prison. Oh GOD he looked oh so good, buff, fit, and oh so wonderful to have his arms around me once again. Oh how I had missed him, loved him, and lost him.....
It was Thanksgiving day, dinner with my kids, and, he showed up....
My partner accepted him coming into the house, my kids accepted him coming to dinner, and, life was good. Oh so good to have him back...the one i had loved with all my heart and soul...was back into my life....

Google

Google

It has been along three weeks.

My partner left on the 21st of March, I had looked forward to him leaving so I would not have to baby sit for him anylonger, and, be able to "relate" to the ex....all the while, thinking it was because Partner was in the house that the ex would not talk to me.....but....found out, he just really hates being in the same house as me. He has not worked for 4 weeks now, and, been home only one or two days during any given week.
The one week he stayed home for 2-3 days, it takes him 3 days to become human again. We have shared a few crumbs of niceness between each other, but, I know its not enough to want it to be more for him I guess.
I get so angry at myself because I try so hard to get his attention, and all I do is become desperate, and push him further away.....
What is wrong with me?

Why is it so difficult to make friends with the males in my life?
As long as I gave sex, they had interest, but they gave nothing to keep the sex life exciting, so, I lost interest. Loosing interest, gave way to complacency, in my own actions, and believes.

I have forgiven them over and over for the way they have rejected me, and have asked for their forgiveness.....but they NEVER ask for mine!

So, its time to move on... a new chapter in my life without the two men who have hurt me so much. Actually Three....or....Four....if i go back to the beginning, it was my father who ultimatly hurt me....
but yeat i only have foundness for my daddy....

but why...do i have such a bad emotional being....such bad relationships....

why cant i relate......


I want to hate them so much, but....i cant.....why not.....

and why......

Partner is gone....we can only talk on phone once a week, and text once in a while. I miss him terribly, but If i talk to him more than a once a week....we will not stick with our plan of being apart a year, and alowing us both healing.

Things are so much more strange with the ex now, and I would honestly never recomend anyone living wiht their ex...its just too difficult to face the failure of marriage everyday...the desire of wishing it was still workable....
the pain of knowing its over, but having to be with him when he is around, and when he is not around the apain of knowing he wants to be with others....and not me....

It has been along three weeks.

so sad today

my partner is gone, i had to kick him out, and it was only by the grace of God that
he does not have to live on the streets. I have prayed for his addictions to be healed, for his soul to be comforted, and for his life to be changed.
I cannot do anything more.
There is nothing i can do for him, he has lied to me, cheated on me, given me false hopes over and over, and stolen from me for the last time.
I miss him terribly tho, was i that desperate for friendship, to allow him to treat me like shit
and, now, my ex, is doing worse to me....
When he told me he had no place to live. I knew my partner was going to be leaving.
I knew my life was going to change, i also knew i didnt have a job to support me. I cannot make enough money to keep bills paid while living alone.

I have never been totally alone, with out money, with out friends, and with out
parents, i was so looking forward to having ex move in, just for the company...
and, yes, hopeful repair of our marriage which ended 10 years ago.
Not that i wanted to be married to him again, just wanted to learn to be his friend.

My own son wont even call me, i have tried to call him, leave messages, texting, nothing works.
AM I THIS TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND?


I Dont want to feel sorry for myself, no one else does....
i want to be care free and fun, but
i have ended up with everyone elses burdens, and no place to dump mine...
They say give your burdens to Jesus....
but, he just keeps giving me more......

the ex is NOT such a looser, he just doesnt care about material things
he is kind, and gentle and so mysterious...and so afraid to love.....

My mission in life is to teach the gift of love....
I had looked forward to being with her, for her friendship always meant so much to me, but, i find she is nothing more than a controling bitch...
and if communication is not found with her, all will be lost...
she totally defeated my love for her when she told me she never liked my dad and the only reason they were in his life was because of mother...

She let go one of her care workers because she said she couldnt stand to see her
called her a threehundred pound cow.
This woman, i had always looked up to, a "good Christian woman" is so full of hate, and bitterness towards who?

She should be happy, and blessed at how her life has been.
She has had everything she ever wanted, and beautiful grandchildren, and she doesnt even what to see them or know them...my mother died before she got to see a great grandchild, she would have loved to see them.
She loved me so much, and gave me so little...
oh how i wish i could say, allthe things i learned from her, but...i cant...
i learned not to be mad, because dogs get mad....
Why didnt she teach me how to not be mad?
how to forgive.....
but she did....just not in words....
she told me the story of how her father inlaw, my grandfather, tried to kill her....
pushed her off of the hayloft when she was pregnant....

how, did she forgive him?

and i never asked questions...

the lady i take care of, told me she didnt want to go to church with her children today because her hair was so awful, and, she didnt want to be seen that way....
how horrible!!!
Yes she is recouperating, and wasnt sure she had the strength to get into church or not, but, she has a wheel chair, and she is too proud to be seen in it, or with her hair undone!

How full of pride can a "good christian woman" be?

The ex was supposed to come over today, to talk about his stuff being here, and his inablitiy of holding down a job, and his inability of being capable of getting his life back on track! of course he isnt going to show up....
he would rather show up if i was just going to spread the ole legs...which, i did
out of need, lust, want to see if it was till there, and yup it is!
he wasnt hard, i wasnt thin, but, we still got it on and it was good!

I didnt want to lie about it, but, wasnt sure how parner would take it, but, he got fucked up anyway, so....he showed me he really isnt ready to quit....
gave me the freedom of being disapointed when he doesnt come home in a year...
I would love to think he would come back, and be the new man he left to become, but
unless he truly has a change of spirituality, he will not be back the new man.
i have accepted that, and, i have not had the new spiritual life
the change of heart, the dealings with life, that can make me a new person....
i have had good, bad, and ugly, and, still dont know how to cope with it.
The pain is unbearable, so heavy, i cry out to God, and, dont hear back....
what is wrong with me?

Am i full of shit, is there not a real life change of life, that the
ministers preach about?

The saddest day

for 7 1/2 years i have been pushing for my partner to get clean and sober, and he just keeps getting more stupid. Doing the most idiodic things when he drinks.
I have finally had enuogh. I told him he could not live in my home anylonger.
I have given him, chance after chance, and im done!

I had told him he had to go to the homeless shelter in Salina, but he found a program in Bellingham, so, he is now, in Bellingham. I am trying to fight off anger...
anger that, i have had to quit the job i love, to take on a full time job i dont know if i will even like.
anger that he gets to take yet another "vacation" away from responsiblitiy and
paying bills, to "get sober"
I am glad that he gets to be with his son, whom he left years ago, and they have forgiven him, it is a new start for him, i cannot let my anger over run the joy of his new beginning. It just does not seem fair...

what have i done to have to carry the bills, and try to keep things afloat.
The plan was to have the ex stay with me, but he has not been here for 2 weeks.
I had hoped it was just the fact that partner was still in the house, but, tomorrow we will see. He said he would come and talk things over.
I just hope i can keep my mind, and not get so stupid when we try to talk.
He always seems to twist things around to make me feel as tho its all my fault.
I just want him to grow up, and become the person i know he can be.
I cannot make him change, but, i dont have to allow him to live here when he is
doing stupid things, just like rob!
im done giving place to live to those who are not trying to grow up and becoming
responsible adults.

I can only hope! & PRAY

the GREATEST PAIN

I so clearly understand the hourglass of time
each day slowly slipping thru the fingers, and never really clearly seeing the reason of each day, never having acknowledgement of living
never seeing clearly the blueness of the sky
each day full of pain, each day, the soul slipping away
each day another full of grace
not realizing the mercy we receive
for not living each day to the fullest, for one reason or another
How can I, help YOU, understand, the reasons for our pain are not found in the medical society
but the society of self awareness
feeling the life draining away
How can you, help, me, undertand, the reasons of our pain are not found in the science society,
but the society of life inscripted into ones mind
the horns have been blown for those to find that life
for the days are numbered and one will never know
unless one goes to find that LIFE
which was brought forward unto
those who were chosen

to not know, why one is chosen is the greatest pain of all time, to never hear the fathers voice, say, well done my good and loyal child
….is…the greatest pain…..

and I do not want to die before I have made my mark in life

I have tried so hard to shine
only to feel tarnished and broken

I have tried so many times to find my sanity
to find my soul
to find my one true passion
I have not succeeded
and I am so afraid I will run out of time
before having the chance to do so

I have to answer my deepest desire before I die
or, I will have lived a life unfullfilled

I will have lived a life, not worth the space in time
I will have lived my life with out dots inbetween...1952-????
Are we not to live a life worth imortality?
Are we not to live a life which will send us on to the farthest reach of time into eternity?
Are we not supposed to become the spirit of time, the sand of life, the salt of the earth?

How in the world did i get here!

For 7 years I have been living with a business partner, who, for all practical purposes, lived off of me. Being an alcoholic, he has not held a job for any length of time, and, giving his pay check to me when he got one was typical. BUT...he never stayed with a job long enough to make a big difference in our income. Some how it always seemed to come along just at the right time for the needs to be taken care of, but, there is never anything extra.

Flash forward to the point of where the Ex moves in on New Years Eve.
The feelings that have come forth, and the craziness which has come about.
Oh my goodness....
The ex and i have had so many years of push and pull, lots of giving, and little giving back...but lots of taking...
I remember when I left him, 10 years ago, I felt like the craziness was over, the roller coaster ride was done. I remember always hoping for a morsel of affection to fall my way. Always hoping for him to want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him...

Now...he comes and goes as he wishes, has a bed to sleep in, pays his share of the bills, but....nothing more.
Having the partner here makes a big difference, but, just not sure how to deal with it all. He has a "best friend" living in the next town, and spends his weekends there. He doesn't seem to remember to call when he is not coming back, and didn't seem to think it important to let me know he either quit his job, or got fired but, didn't need to be back in time to go to work.

I freaked out, calling his job, only to find out he wasn't working there any longer.
Then, ended up texting with his woman in the other town, trying to figure out where he was for 4 days. He was there, "sleeping" in a closet so she said...because there were 5 others in the apartment. Sounds like a party house to me!
I made such a fool of myself, now, how do i face him, when and if he comes back?

I hate the feelings of rejection he gives me, if he doesn't want to live here, then WHY does he stay?

If he wants to live with HER, then, why does she say he CANT STAY THERE?
then she lets him stay? Her words.. "He cannot live with me, I can not live with him" She actually lives with another man also, just as I do, so, poor Ex is really
a third wheel, but....the chemistry is still there....between us....or...at least on my end...

Now, nuff said about that, the Partner is leaving for Bellingham Washington on the 21st, I should be focusing my attention on him, instead, here I am feeling like shit because the Ex is playing in another ball field...and I have worked so hard at getting the Partner sober.....and become the man I know he can be....
We have never had chemistry, and I have been told he is not sexually atracted to me, so, I closed off those feelings along time ago.....

BUT, is that something that I see in both of these guys as, the men i WANT them to be?
or...can they be? Is it an illusion? I know they cannot change, they are way past pliable age. Only God can change them. But, I love their good qualities...
its their bad qualities I have problems with...how do I just accept it...
I just dont know the rules to the game...I dont know how to play....never have been a game player, I am just up front, and honest, and want others to be too....

The Partner is leaving to go to a homeless shelter, I have had enough of his drinking and bullshit. He has a son out there, and is going to go live in the program, the Light House, hopefully, getting him clean and sober, and, stabilized
to live and work and be able to support himself. We have talked about him coming back here, or me going there, but right now.....its just all in the air...
everything...the Partner, the Ex, and ME...how the hell did I get here, from THERE....

Cancer is like the fuel pump being clogged to our body

all that sludge creats problems with the engine, manifold, gas lines

then, everything starts going down wrong, then it just eats away the
carburator

before long, its too late to do anything about it
and the vehicle dies

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I was a hippy at heart when i was in school,
but thought i was sophisticated, and upper class
or, I wanted to be...
but, I wasnt, I was a low class
bimbo

To love, and to let go

Nothing prepared me to be flooded witih the feelings for my ex, as when he came to live with me. Nothing prepared me to know, he had once stood at the side of my bed, trying to crawl in...when the mother of his son rejected him....and now will have nothing to do with me.
Being at my age of 55, sex has been out of my life for over 7 years. I was not prepared to feel the feelings I had not felt for all of those years. Living with an alcoholic for the last 7 years, keeping my sanity just in daily life. Left me feeling as if no one would ever want me again, so, I just let myself go.
Now....here is the one man I Loved with all my heart and soul so many years ago, wanted to be loved back by him, but..never could fit his mold...of what he wanted ...because he never told me....what he wanted...

now...to know he has his profile on many websites looking for women, and im in the same house...wanting him....and not being able to have him, is eating me alive...
trying to stay in my own space and not invade his space, is very difficult.

Finding and reading the book "The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer has been my salvation...

I just hope i can injest every word, and bring it to life into my heart, I want so badly to live it, know it, and teach it to others who have been rejected in their lives.

Rejection....the basic of all emotional roots... brought on by being rejected at birth ,and never being able to live up to the expectations of my own eyes, to be good enough for anyone to ever want me...


I thank God for bringing this book into my life, it has saved me, from throwing myself at someone who obviosly does not want me, and, I have to learn to let go, and let God...
I have always believed everything happens for a reason.
The purpose for the ex coming back into my life, if nothing else, is to learn to let go...and be left with self dignity.

I have never been able to let go with out feeling totaly rejected....
Im 55 and, you would think by now, i could have my shit together but, but everytime, I think I might have my head together, something/ someone comes along and shows me how far from the truth i live.

When he moved in, I thought I could handle i... after 10 years...we had both moved on, we both had new lives.
but....did we?
He does or, at least wants me to believe he does...
why do i doubt that?
Because of the games he seems to enjoy playing with my heart and head....
I cant even start on all of the facts I know...to be true...and falsities which leave gaping wholes in his stories....

Here is an excerpt of the book...
and, I hope, someday I can help teach others not to fall back, but to take steps forward into the new life with out rejection holding them back...

"He was despised and rejected and forsaken by men, a Man of sorrows and pains, and acquainted with grief and sickness; and like One from Whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we did not appreciate His worth or have any esteem for Him.—Isaiah 53:3"
from The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer.

read it...digest it....live it....

be FREE.....

Amazing night

Feeling as if I had made the biggest mistake in allowing my ex to move back in with me.
The first month brought about some pretty hurtful times, and some fun times.
Some fights, some self preservation in all of us, and, some time that just didnt make much sence.

We all are trying to make good of a weird situation. If there is anyone who has gone thru life
with this type of situation, I would really love to hear from you.
Life doesnt come with a book of rules other than the Bible, and. I dont know that it talks aoubt threesome relationships other than, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost..


I have always had the huge ability to love more than one person at a time, now, i guess
I am living my fantacy?
Who knows, but for the moment it is working. who knows aobut tomorrow.
Living in the house with two other house mates, and no one having sex, if a very frustrating time for most of us.....the two who share a bed have no chemistry what so ever...
the other two....i dnot know if they will ever get together.
But...a nice sit down conversation was a good start last night...for that I THANK YOU!
Instead of walking on egg shells, the shell has been broken, and maybe now we can all move on....
It has taken me 55 years to get to the point of living on the edge, hanging on to the thinnest thread immaginable. I have not dropped yet, God is Good...
hopefully, He will throw me a rope to hang on to, nice and thick....

Devine Intervention

We drove to Norton Friday night, and, as we got closer to Norton, I remember thinking, ya gotta watch out for the deer's.....
We were with in 5 miles to the nice town of Norton KS, out in the middle of NO WHERE...and, coming over a hill, I saw, a deer...
standing off to the left of the center line....Scared she was going to run infront of me, I started to steer to the right, but, then realized there was another deer right where I was heading....I hit the breaks but did not panic!
As I felt the car gliding slower and steered to the left..just as the deer darted forward, right in front of me....(it all seemed so sureal...like I was not the one in control of the car at that moment)
The car hit the deer on the drivers side....the Explorer came to a complete stop, the deer skidded off to the ditch and the other deer ran in the other direction.

Partner got out, to check out the damage....
Amazingingly.....
not one broken light, or dent in the car...
After having stories of 2 other deer-car collisions in our church family, I felt as tho mine was a definite Divine Intervention...
We drove on to Norton, a bit shaken, but, mostly amazed that the car was not damaged at all. Not knowing if the deer was dead or alive, we should have stopped to see, but knowing there was nothing we could do about it if she was injured, no gun to take care of the poor thing. I said a little prayer that she didn't have to suffer and went on. The next morning we drove back to see if she was there, and, not really sure where we were in mileage we did see a dead deer but it seemed closer into town than what partner seemed to think would have been ours, but, it was the only dead one along the road....further down in the ditch than what I thought mine had skidded, so she may have been able to move a bit further but not too far...
None the less, I am so sorry I ended the life of a little innocent creature of God, but so thankful for His intervention to slow the car down to not hit the deer so hard that it could have caused so much damage to the car that we would have had serious problems getting back to hometown usa.

Just when I thought life couldnt get any weirder...

http://WWW.helpself.Com/IQ-test.HTML

An outstanding example of emotional health is the average two-year-old, who often displays a full range of emotions. Emotions are usually freely expressed and felt by the two-year-old, and therefore stuckness in any one emotion for more than a couple of minutes doesn't happen often. Once felt, emotions change. Without emotional change one stays discomfited, clear evidence of skewed emotional expression. This is a commonly overlooked truism about emotions - once they are felt properly, they disappear, thus making room for the next feeling or emotion. (The root of the word, e-motion, implies motion or change.)



Now this in it's self is heavy duty to a person who struggles daily with emotional health, but, when it implies motion or change......

If you have read any of my blog over the years you will have learned about all of the changes in my life, over and over I have tried to make my life better, and more rewarding, and, just find a way to live emotionally, and financially.

Change....the more I try, the more I find myself going in circles.

Running away from emotional problems, teen age years, taking me into a marriage I never should have dove into, but, being the head strong, strong willed child, no one could tell me no.

So, marriage was the only way I could see to get out of the home I grew up hating more and more.

Now, 39 years later, I am back in the same neighborhood that I never wanted to live in, but, where my parents moved to.

With so many experiences behind me, and, what happens next?

Since everything that has happened is logged on to my "journal" here online, and I am not a
novel writer. I am not sure how to catch up todate, except just write a brief back ground.
It hasn't even been that exciting. Nothing majorly growth promoting, alot of painful experiences, and, alot of just major wonderment of why do I do the things I do!!!

I guess I am just so blind to life's lessons, and cannot seem to hear the spiritual voices leading me thru, so, I just keep going around the same mountains.

I think I know most stones, branches, and ruts by name, and I know the AA saying, if you want change, you have to do things differently. Then why CANT I SEE different routes out?


Just when I thought life couldn't get any weirder, my 2nd EX shows up at my door, needing a place to stay. WHY AM I SO STUPID.....but, I could NOT- not reach out to someone I have loved with all of my heart and soul for half of my married life. Being divorced now for 10 years, thinking all of the love was gone, and there was no way to fix what was broke all of those years ago. I divorced him not knowing he had an addiction to porn, and meth. HOOOOOOOW was I so blind?

and, now, to bring him back into my home?

We had kept in touch while he was in prison, and, after he got out, OMG he looked so good standing at the door. I just wanted to kiss him, and love him and have him back. We became friends again kind of.
But, he had changed, I had changed, he had a son now, a new woman in his life, so, I kept my distance. fast forward .....
3 years gone by, his sons mother used him up, spit him out, and left him there to die, in her own meth labyrinth that tangles so many up. He won't admit it but I think she set him up to get him out of their sons life, now, he has lost all rights to his son as well as herself. I don't now if they have anything to do with each other but, as far as I know they don't.

He spent the last 6 months in a county jail for his "perseverance" of trying to get papers out of her house that he was supposed to sign to keep his son, but instead, cops showed up and took him back to jail for disorderly conduct, and what ever else she conjoured up against him.

Knowing only one side of the story, and knowing him as the man I used to be married to, I want to believe his story. But, I'm not totally stupid, I do know, there are always two sides to every story!

Up to date, right before Christmas he shows up at my door, no place to stay, & no job.Being the person I am, I accepted his offer to come stay, look for a job, and help pay the bills. Since my
live in partner was supposed to go into a 9 month program for alcoholics, I figured, well, I have the room, I need the extra funds, OK we can try it.

The first inkling that this was not going to work was......SURPRISE....I STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS GUY!!! I have lived a life with no sex for over 7 years, and, now, here is the guy I had once enjoyed a GREAT sex life with, and, he is living in my home, along with my live in partner......mmm this is NOT GOING TO WORK!
If it wasnt so pathetic, it would be quite humorus....living with two men, and I cant get laid!
The live in wouldnt mind if I had a bit going with the ex, but, it is just too uncomfortable in a small house, two men, one woman.... I AM NOT going to throw myself at him!

Little did I know or think about everything it would entail. Never thinking about feelings that were un finished all those years ago, never thinking about how, our own changes would effect each other. NEVER THINKING.... it is very difficult for me to understand, how, my head can do so much thinking, but never come up with the right actions!!!! AM I REALLY THAT STUPID?

My live in, didnt go to the 9 month program, he had not been released from his DUI court date. The center for the program will not take him until he has completed the court date. So, he has no job, but looking for temporary job. The Ex, has no job, and eats like a horse! Here we are two weeks before payday, and, no money, little food. Being poor really SUX MR BUSH, I wish you could do with out for a while!

My first day of him staying here, I came home with great expectations, had he looked for a job?
Was he going out putting in applications? He says very little to me, and is quick to cut me off at the knees when I asked him anything. So, my next thought was to check the history on the ole computer, see where he has been.....so to speak.
To my shock, and I dont know why.....of course...porn sites.....no job sites!
Adult friend finders, and, no JOB SITES.....

Oh MY DEAR SWEET SELF.....why!!!!
My feelings were not for him, but the remembering the pain i felt all the years of marriage to him, never knowing where he was after work, all the times, I wanted to communicate with him, and, no words were there. All of the times, I thought we were close, but, it was only a sexual lust. Unfinished and no closure for when I left him, he never said he didnt want me to leave or stay..... he just opened the door and let me walk out....
As I sat there thinking about how he is living in my home, and looking for a sex partner, and wont even talk to me. Ooh the flood of rejection I felt all those years ago, flooded back, smacking me in the face. As I sat on the couch, numb, tears rolling down my face, unable to talk to him about what I had discovered. The phone rang, it was my boss, the preacher, asking me if I was ok. As my mind quickly wondered all over the place trying to come to, I said, "yes, why?"
and I realized.... I had totally forgotten about the church board meeting, and I was 35 minutes LATE!