How in the world did i get here!

For 7 years I have been living with a business partner, who, for all practical purposes, lived off of me. Being an alcoholic, he has not held a job for any length of time, and, giving his pay check to me when he got one was typical. BUT...he never stayed with a job long enough to make a big difference in our income. Some how it always seemed to come along just at the right time for the needs to be taken care of, but, there is never anything extra.

Flash forward to the point of where the Ex moves in on New Years Eve.
The feelings that have come forth, and the craziness which has come about.
Oh my goodness....
The ex and i have had so many years of push and pull, lots of giving, and little giving back...but lots of taking...
I remember when I left him, 10 years ago, I felt like the craziness was over, the roller coaster ride was done. I remember always hoping for a morsel of affection to fall my way. Always hoping for him to want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him...

Now...he comes and goes as he wishes, has a bed to sleep in, pays his share of the bills, but....nothing more.
Having the partner here makes a big difference, but, just not sure how to deal with it all. He has a "best friend" living in the next town, and spends his weekends there. He doesn't seem to remember to call when he is not coming back, and didn't seem to think it important to let me know he either quit his job, or got fired but, didn't need to be back in time to go to work.

I freaked out, calling his job, only to find out he wasn't working there any longer.
Then, ended up texting with his woman in the other town, trying to figure out where he was for 4 days. He was there, "sleeping" in a closet so she said...because there were 5 others in the apartment. Sounds like a party house to me!
I made such a fool of myself, now, how do i face him, when and if he comes back?

I hate the feelings of rejection he gives me, if he doesn't want to live here, then WHY does he stay?

If he wants to live with HER, then, why does she say he CANT STAY THERE?
then she lets him stay? Her words.. "He cannot live with me, I can not live with him" She actually lives with another man also, just as I do, so, poor Ex is really
a third wheel, but....the chemistry is still there....between us....or...at least on my end...

Now, nuff said about that, the Partner is leaving for Bellingham Washington on the 21st, I should be focusing my attention on him, instead, here I am feeling like shit because the Ex is playing in another ball field...and I have worked so hard at getting the Partner sober.....and become the man I know he can be....
We have never had chemistry, and I have been told he is not sexually atracted to me, so, I closed off those feelings along time ago.....

BUT, is that something that I see in both of these guys as, the men i WANT them to be?
or...can they be? Is it an illusion? I know they cannot change, they are way past pliable age. Only God can change them. But, I love their good qualities...
its their bad qualities I have problems with...how do I just accept it...
I just dont know the rules to the game...I dont know how to play....never have been a game player, I am just up front, and honest, and want others to be too....

The Partner is leaving to go to a homeless shelter, I have had enough of his drinking and bullshit. He has a son out there, and is going to go live in the program, the Light House, hopefully, getting him clean and sober, and, stabilized
to live and work and be able to support himself. We have talked about him coming back here, or me going there, but right now.....its just all in the air...
everything...the Partner, the Ex, and ME...how the hell did I get here, from THERE....