when there is nothing left, one can only surrender self....
this is a quote out of a website about Oprah, asking the crowd to surrender all.
Because her parents never married, the world told her she was illegitimate. Her birth was the result of a one-time union between teens during a clandestine after-school meeting under an oak tree, she said. Despite that, she said, ''I know that my life was no accident.'' ''God has a dream for you, Olivet,'' she said. "My prayer is that you go home today and ask Him, 'What is the dream for me?' ''Get still and ask him. Listen,'' she said. ''Surrender all,'' she whispered, and then sat down. The audience in turn stood up with a thunderous ovation.
Knowing that I was born in a relationship, not coming out of a loving marrage, but, an affair, what is the reason for my life?
It used to bring me much love, acceptence, and sense of belonging, when I could reach out to others, and give of myself. I no longer have that gift, or desire to reach out.
Where has my heart gone?
why am I so lucid to the needs of others?
I somehow feel used up, nothing left to give to anyone, let alone even caring if anyone needs me.
I feel as tho I have given time after time, but, have felt so very little back.
I know I was given much during my youth, and I didnt appreciate it, so, I guess this is my lesson coming back at me, knowing those days are gone, and those lessons went un headed until now in the sunset of my life.
Wealth has evaded me, happiness has poked its head out so few times in my life, and, peace has not been a constant companion. I have lost the ability to see a future.
I have lost the vision of newness in my life, the mud of the ruts has taken over my sight.
Listen to me, everything is ME< ME < ME....how into myself shall I fade before I find my way out?
the maze of life has taken me on full circle, and what lessons have I learned?
So many questions, and no answers.
So many mysteries to be found out, so many quests to take, so many journeys not traveled.
Why is it there seems to be such an urgency to getting things figured out?
Why do I feel as tho, no matter what I do, there is never going to be answers to me....
People tell me to have faith, that is all I have ever had, faith that answers would come along, faith that bills would be paid, and faith that love would absolve all...
where has it gotten me?
more questions, no money, and no love.
Love with in the heart leads the way, but the way is long and narrow, and finding the hole is impossible
unless the light is let out, but, so far, it has only been false light, possibly a exploding fart?
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
If they come after me, will there be anywhere to hide?
Would it even matter?
I have been left off here, left alone, to figure this thing out they call life.
Im 52, adopted, raised by two wonderful people, who, unfortunatly wanted nothing more than a child to love, and care for. They did a wonderful job of loving me, and caring for me, but, left me defenseless in this cold, harsh place called earth.
They gave me way too much when I was a small child, then, realized their mistake as I grew into an angry young teenager, and finally giving me nothing but pain and being alone during my adulthood...
I dont know where I will end up, but, at the moment, I feel as tho Im headed for the crazy house!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He is still looking for a job, and, yes, he came back, not with my excitement but, I cant afford to be alone financially, and, emotionally.
I know I would go totally nuts if he wasnt here, there is no one else I can turn to when things go nuts. He is part of my reason for being nuts I realize that, but, at the same time, he has been the only one who is here when i really need someone.
I feel as tho God put us together for a reason, and if being here during this time is the reason, then, so be it.
I hope you can understand, my girl friends cant, they keep hounding me to get rid of him, but, they have husbands, and dont know how difficult it it to be alone, or have forgotten, not sure ....
I have never learned to be totally alone, which is strange, since I was raised an only child... but, that was during the time tv came into our homes, and it made a wonderful baby sitter!
How many other people have their lives so screwed up because our lives were given to us, and we dont have a reality check with life?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nothing in life makes sense, nothing gives me pleasure, nothing communicates with me, I am so alone, and no one can understand the pain I go thru.
Except one person, or so she says...but, I think she does, because I know she has been there.
She is this really cool old boot I met back in small town, hearing her story first back in the 60's on Larry Hatterberg. She seemed so confident, and full of hope. She had her hotel, called, Rosaleas Hotel.
colored brightly, and brought forward in town to reserect new life in a dying town.
She had a vision, and a story to be told. The towns people were not ready. They were not trusting her, they didnt see her vision, and instead, between the two, town and the woman, have distroyed the town literally!
She even wrote a story of the Oaisis on the Prairie.
She has tried to hold on to the past by restoring buildings but the towns people dont see it that way.
They only see it as her distroying the town by letting buildings go un reparied, but, DUH it takes MONEY!!!
WHICH they refuse to help her raise.
She has had to survive on her little bit of social security. Her historical restoration projects is funded by donations thru a fund she put together with her grandmothers name, and a few dollars she inherited from her death. The fund is non profit, and is funded by sales of her wonderful monthly historical record of the area.
She scours the area asking questions of the old timers, recording history while it is still alive.
Her dreams have not been fullfilled, but, she has lived a horrific, and, rewarding life.
I have high admiration of her, and wrote to Larry Hatterberg and asked him to do another story on her, 30 years later. He did, and it was a good story, but, it didnt even come close to showing the hell she has been through.
Anyway, when I moved to smalltown, she was the first person who came to welcome me to town.
I drove in with a UHAUL, two guys to help me unload, and lots of high hopes of making it.....or, at least making a living, all i ever asked for was enough money to live comfortably on. When I pulled in, there were at least 20 people there to help me unload my truck, and, lots of excitement about a new business downtown Smalltown.....
I still remember her walking in and asking what was I doing to that old building, why was I moving in?
Then telling me "welcome to town, this town needs women with vision"
She was a good friend while I was there, and she helped me keep my spirits up.
I rode into town with myfull of excitement, high hopes, and dreams, $600.00 on credit card debt, and 20,000.00 in stock markets......
two years later, I drove out of town, silently, broken hearted, down spirited, $40,000.00 in credt card debt, and less than $2000.oo in stocks.
An ailing father, and a partner who was a drunk......
I tried to bring a new birth to the town by bringing a business of deli, and bbq to their town, but, I couldnt get enough business to stay alive, a series of misfortunate happenings, beyond my control, but who was controlling it?
Plus a failing health dad, brought me back to Hometown. I brought part of my business home, the part, I felt would make the best living, but, it didnt....we couldnt get enough customers to keep us alive in hometown either, and it is a larger town than small town.
We put the perfect bbq together, and tried to sell it thru an outlet mall, in the food court.
Everyone told us our food was the best, but, if that was the truth, why did we fail to survive?
The mall, fired their manager, and put in a new leasing agent, who is doing nothing to bring business to the mall, in fact it is less occupied than it was when we put our bbq in, more than 50% less!
Once again, things which happened beyond my control, but, who had control?
Why did things happen the way they did?
Why do some restraunts suck, but yet they can hit the big times, then, mine, which was wonderful, coudlnt make paydirt!!!
This is ahole nuther story, and, im getting too twisted now....
What is behind the vicious losses I took during those two years? My dad died, loss of my business, loss of all the money he left me, in less than a year it was gone......what, why, who......
Self esteem
Self worth
Self protection
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Daniel,
bodies lying in rows
bodies returned to universe
burdens of life with us but a short time
time too short, knowing life is willingly given for all of us
calls upon us to repent our sins, and make that life worthy of that gift
back to the ground of which all life was made
So say we all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Battle star gallactica
I have been left off here, left alone, to figure this thing out they call life.
Im 52, adopted, raised by two wonderful people, who, unfortunatly wanted nothing more than a child to love, and care for. They did a wonderful job of loving me, and caring for me, but, left me defenseless in this cold, harsh place called earth.
They gave me way too much when I was a small child, then, realized their mistake as I grew into an angry young teenager, and finally giving me nothing but pain and being alone during my adulthood...
I dont know where I will end up, but, at the moment, I feel as tho Im headed for the crazy house!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He is still looking for a job, and, yes, he came back, not with my excitement but, I cant afford to be alone financially, and, emotionally.
I know I would go totally nuts if he wasnt here, there is no one else I can turn to when things go nuts. He is part of my reason for being nuts I realize that, but, at the same time, he has been the only one who is here when i really need someone.
I feel as tho God put us together for a reason, and if being here during this time is the reason, then, so be it.
I hope you can understand, my girl friends cant, they keep hounding me to get rid of him, but, they have husbands, and dont know how difficult it it to be alone, or have forgotten, not sure ....
I have never learned to be totally alone, which is strange, since I was raised an only child... but, that was during the time tv came into our homes, and it made a wonderful baby sitter!
How many other people have their lives so screwed up because our lives were given to us, and we dont have a reality check with life?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nothing in life makes sense, nothing gives me pleasure, nothing communicates with me, I am so alone, and no one can understand the pain I go thru.
Except one person, or so she says...but, I think she does, because I know she has been there.
She is this really cool old boot I met back in small town, hearing her story first back in the 60's on Larry Hatterberg. She seemed so confident, and full of hope. She had her hotel, called, Rosaleas Hotel.
colored brightly, and brought forward in town to reserect new life in a dying town.
She had a vision, and a story to be told. The towns people were not ready. They were not trusting her, they didnt see her vision, and instead, between the two, town and the woman, have distroyed the town literally!
She even wrote a story of the Oaisis on the Prairie.
She has tried to hold on to the past by restoring buildings but the towns people dont see it that way.
They only see it as her distroying the town by letting buildings go un reparied, but, DUH it takes MONEY!!!
WHICH they refuse to help her raise.
She has had to survive on her little bit of social security. Her historical restoration projects is funded by donations thru a fund she put together with her grandmothers name, and a few dollars she inherited from her death. The fund is non profit, and is funded by sales of her wonderful monthly historical record of the area.
She scours the area asking questions of the old timers, recording history while it is still alive.
Her dreams have not been fullfilled, but, she has lived a horrific, and, rewarding life.
I have high admiration of her, and wrote to Larry Hatterberg and asked him to do another story on her, 30 years later. He did, and it was a good story, but, it didnt even come close to showing the hell she has been through.
Anyway, when I moved to smalltown, she was the first person who came to welcome me to town.
I drove in with a UHAUL, two guys to help me unload, and lots of high hopes of making it.....or, at least making a living, all i ever asked for was enough money to live comfortably on. When I pulled in, there were at least 20 people there to help me unload my truck, and, lots of excitement about a new business downtown Smalltown.....
I still remember her walking in and asking what was I doing to that old building, why was I moving in?
Then telling me "welcome to town, this town needs women with vision"
She was a good friend while I was there, and she helped me keep my spirits up.
I rode into town with myfull of excitement, high hopes, and dreams, $600.00 on credit card debt, and 20,000.00 in stock markets......
two years later, I drove out of town, silently, broken hearted, down spirited, $40,000.00 in credt card debt, and less than $2000.oo in stocks.
An ailing father, and a partner who was a drunk......
I tried to bring a new birth to the town by bringing a business of deli, and bbq to their town, but, I couldnt get enough business to stay alive, a series of misfortunate happenings, beyond my control, but who was controlling it?
Plus a failing health dad, brought me back to Hometown. I brought part of my business home, the part, I felt would make the best living, but, it didnt....we couldnt get enough customers to keep us alive in hometown either, and it is a larger town than small town.
We put the perfect bbq together, and tried to sell it thru an outlet mall, in the food court.
Everyone told us our food was the best, but, if that was the truth, why did we fail to survive?
The mall, fired their manager, and put in a new leasing agent, who is doing nothing to bring business to the mall, in fact it is less occupied than it was when we put our bbq in, more than 50% less!
Once again, things which happened beyond my control, but, who had control?
Why did things happen the way they did?
Why do some restraunts suck, but yet they can hit the big times, then, mine, which was wonderful, coudlnt make paydirt!!!
This is ahole nuther story, and, im getting too twisted now....
What is behind the vicious losses I took during those two years? My dad died, loss of my business, loss of all the money he left me, in less than a year it was gone......what, why, who......
Self esteem
Self worth
Self protection
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Daniel,
bodies lying in rows
bodies returned to universe
burdens of life with us but a short time
time too short, knowing life is willingly given for all of us
calls upon us to repent our sins, and make that life worthy of that gift
back to the ground of which all life was made
So say we all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Battle star gallactica
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
living in hometown!
He is GONE tonight, went to see his sister, yeah right, probably met some chick at the homeless shelter, and took off with her.....
oh yeah, havent talked to you for a couple of days, yes, he is back,
If you lived here, believe me, he would be gone!
but, i cant deal with life here alone, I would have to be stoned everynight to survive living alone in hometown!!!!
It was hard enough in small town where I loved the people, but had no outside social life, and if he wouldnt have come along when he did, I dont think I could have survived there two years!!!!
i loved the people, but, had not ONE person ever want to do things after work....unless I invited them to come to my appartment, no one ever called and said, hey come on over...
The night I kicked him out, after 4 1/2 years of putting up with his drunk ass, I have had enough!
I kicked him out for 2 nights, and he came back, asking if he could come back. I did say ok, but, this is the last time, I will NOT give in another time!
but would I?
Knowing how difficult life is here in hometown, I know, i would go totally insane!
All of the other times i have loved and lost, i have withdrew, and knew it wasnt going to help to try and let out my pain emotionally.
Living in the city, i knew no one, no one knew me, and I could live a life of sin with out being detected, and with out reprecusion of people talking, knowing my business, or even caring!
Living in hometown keeps a person from living!!!!!!!
Does that make sense?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1950/ wanda/ throwing knives at her kids,
thousands of years, tribes have stretched thier childrens skulls.......ailen heads...cone heads.....
thought to be dead thousands of years, but, scientists have found a tribe who still does it...
use heads to penetrate the jungle, now is a tradition, or is it?
sishkabutt
how many have eyes, to see
how many have ears to hear?
how many know the word?
Leonardo Divinci
MARVEL flying machine, divinci, english stretch, 200 miles perhour, jump plain disapears, made it across the English channel......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
drills, greed, murder
Sat. man-thing
9 sci fi
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
oh yeah, havent talked to you for a couple of days, yes, he is back,
If you lived here, believe me, he would be gone!
but, i cant deal with life here alone, I would have to be stoned everynight to survive living alone in hometown!!!!
It was hard enough in small town where I loved the people, but had no outside social life, and if he wouldnt have come along when he did, I dont think I could have survived there two years!!!!
i loved the people, but, had not ONE person ever want to do things after work....unless I invited them to come to my appartment, no one ever called and said, hey come on over...
The night I kicked him out, after 4 1/2 years of putting up with his drunk ass, I have had enough!
I kicked him out for 2 nights, and he came back, asking if he could come back. I did say ok, but, this is the last time, I will NOT give in another time!
but would I?
Knowing how difficult life is here in hometown, I know, i would go totally insane!
All of the other times i have loved and lost, i have withdrew, and knew it wasnt going to help to try and let out my pain emotionally.
Living in the city, i knew no one, no one knew me, and I could live a life of sin with out being detected, and with out reprecusion of people talking, knowing my business, or even caring!
Living in hometown keeps a person from living!!!!!!!
Does that make sense?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1950/ wanda/ throwing knives at her kids,
thousands of years, tribes have stretched thier childrens skulls.......ailen heads...cone heads.....
thought to be dead thousands of years, but, scientists have found a tribe who still does it...
use heads to penetrate the jungle, now is a tradition, or is it?
sishkabutt
how many have eyes, to see
how many have ears to hear?
how many know the word?
Leonardo Divinci
MARVEL flying machine, divinci, english stretch, 200 miles perhour, jump plain disapears, made it across the English channel......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
drills, greed, murder
Sat. man-thing
9 sci fi
```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
answer to my prayer from an email...
From: Annell C Holland [mailto:achol@juno.com] Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 8:08 PM
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.
This blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around. If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who won't survive the week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 20 million people around the world.
If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than almost three billion people in the world.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, especially in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.
If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.
You are so blessed in ways you may never even know.
This blessing will only keep working if it is continuously passed around. If you are a recipient of a blessing, keep the blessing working by being the source of blessing to other people.
This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
how many people dont have?????
this came thru email right after I wrote my blog last night, amazing how things seem to cross over once in a while.
so few times do i see answers to physical prayers, but, many times answers come in ways not expected....
so few times do i see answers to physical prayers, but, many times answers come in ways not expected....
Monday, April 25, 2005
moving slow in the mud
Mud is what I have been pulling my butt thru, shit doesnt even come close to saying how I feel about my life!
I know I have so much to be thankfull for, General things such as life its self, or, actually, if we are to hate life, then, why do they always tell us we should be thankful for life?
Jesus says to hate life, look forward to our life with our FATHER
Thankful for Life, air to breath, how much longer will that last?
Thankful for Life, homes to live in.....how many people are homeless tonight?
Thankful for Life, beds to sleep in.....how many people have nothing to sleep in, or, even a blanket to cover with??????
Thankful for Life, water to drink.....how many people have polluted water, or, no water to drink??????
Thankful for Life, family to love......how many people have no family close by, with the movement of our society, how many people even live close to family?
Thankful for Life, friends to enjoy.......how many people have known a person deep enough to call true friend?
Thankful for Life, for health.....how many people suffer from unknown diseases, cancers, heart failure, diabetes....and have no insurance, doctors, medications, or even knowledge of what to do????
Thankful for Life, and the food to sustain it....how many people go to bed with out something to eat, for days at a time?
Thankful for Life, Comforts.....how many people have never enjoyed one comfort in life?
Thankful for Life, Enjoyments......how many people have no fun, can only identify with war, with poverty, with no imagination to bring enjoyment into life
Thankful for Life, Money.....how many people work for low wages, not enough to live a comfortable, enjoyable, healthy life???
I am thankful for everything listed, and most probably more than what is listed, I know I have not been thankful outloud, I have bitched and complained about life, and all the bullshit that has come my way. I know I have alienated people, and got to the place of not having friends, or anyone who cares. It always seems if I share how crappy my life is, people dont know how to respond, so, they just dont respond, dont want to listen much....
I just want to know how enjoy what i have. I have so much, but, yet so little. I have lost every penny I have been given, which has been ALOT.....every "adventure" I have taken, has taken me to the poor house....
I enoyed each one, and loved the work, enjoyed the people, enjoyed the lifestyle, altho, it was laboring to work day after day for nothing, and see my income never develope.
Frustration, has been such a heavy thing, I just cant take it anylonger.
I dont know know how to get past being a failure, and, not seeing a future.....
I have a job now, not anything I want to do, but, at least I enjoy the people, my body hurts so bad when i get off work, i have no energy to have a life past crashing on the couch....
I dont know how to find the help I need. I hurt so bad, and have no insurance, and know I cannot affort more bills.
I had to quit paying my credit cards accured from my last 4 years, everything I have worked for, everypenny i have inherited, every day of my platimum credit rating is gone, taken away, lost, gone, and not one person has asked how im holding up, or, how i am dealing with my losses. My daddy dies, my business dies, my money drains out, my
house mate situation sucks, my own children have lives, I dont want to bother them....
and my grandaughter 4, doesnt even like to come see nana or, even talk to me on the phone. That hurt so bad, she might has well cut my heart out.....Im always so tired, and cranky when she comes, its no wonder she doesnt like coming here.
Always when my life falls apart, which is often, no one is around. Then, I feel so rejected, I pull away....
I did the same thing when my mother died.....
I did the same thing when my inlaws died.....
I did the same thing when my dad died......
Am I wrong, or, are my "friends"?
Rob has been my only friend, he has stood by me thru all the shit, he has listened to me when i was pissed, and moaning and groaning....and, some days i feel like he understands other times, I feel like he is just using me, just a place to be, but doesnt want to give anything back....
all I ask for is companionship, communication, and, relationship....
I know I have so much to be thankfull for, General things such as life its self, or, actually, if we are to hate life, then, why do they always tell us we should be thankful for life?
Jesus says to hate life, look forward to our life with our FATHER
Thankful for Life, air to breath, how much longer will that last?
Thankful for Life, homes to live in.....how many people are homeless tonight?
Thankful for Life, beds to sleep in.....how many people have nothing to sleep in, or, even a blanket to cover with??????
Thankful for Life, water to drink.....how many people have polluted water, or, no water to drink??????
Thankful for Life, family to love......how many people have no family close by, with the movement of our society, how many people even live close to family?
Thankful for Life, friends to enjoy.......how many people have known a person deep enough to call true friend?
Thankful for Life, for health.....how many people suffer from unknown diseases, cancers, heart failure, diabetes....and have no insurance, doctors, medications, or even knowledge of what to do????
Thankful for Life, and the food to sustain it....how many people go to bed with out something to eat, for days at a time?
Thankful for Life, Comforts.....how many people have never enjoyed one comfort in life?
Thankful for Life, Enjoyments......how many people have no fun, can only identify with war, with poverty, with no imagination to bring enjoyment into life
Thankful for Life, Money.....how many people work for low wages, not enough to live a comfortable, enjoyable, healthy life???
I am thankful for everything listed, and most probably more than what is listed, I know I have not been thankful outloud, I have bitched and complained about life, and all the bullshit that has come my way. I know I have alienated people, and got to the place of not having friends, or anyone who cares. It always seems if I share how crappy my life is, people dont know how to respond, so, they just dont respond, dont want to listen much....
I just want to know how enjoy what i have. I have so much, but, yet so little. I have lost every penny I have been given, which has been ALOT.....every "adventure" I have taken, has taken me to the poor house....
I enoyed each one, and loved the work, enjoyed the people, enjoyed the lifestyle, altho, it was laboring to work day after day for nothing, and see my income never develope.
Frustration, has been such a heavy thing, I just cant take it anylonger.
I dont know know how to get past being a failure, and, not seeing a future.....
I have a job now, not anything I want to do, but, at least I enjoy the people, my body hurts so bad when i get off work, i have no energy to have a life past crashing on the couch....
I dont know how to find the help I need. I hurt so bad, and have no insurance, and know I cannot affort more bills.
I had to quit paying my credit cards accured from my last 4 years, everything I have worked for, everypenny i have inherited, every day of my platimum credit rating is gone, taken away, lost, gone, and not one person has asked how im holding up, or, how i am dealing with my losses. My daddy dies, my business dies, my money drains out, my
house mate situation sucks, my own children have lives, I dont want to bother them....
and my grandaughter 4, doesnt even like to come see nana or, even talk to me on the phone. That hurt so bad, she might has well cut my heart out.....Im always so tired, and cranky when she comes, its no wonder she doesnt like coming here.
Always when my life falls apart, which is often, no one is around. Then, I feel so rejected, I pull away....
I did the same thing when my mother died.....
I did the same thing when my inlaws died.....
I did the same thing when my dad died......
Am I wrong, or, are my "friends"?
Rob has been my only friend, he has stood by me thru all the shit, he has listened to me when i was pissed, and moaning and groaning....and, some days i feel like he understands other times, I feel like he is just using me, just a place to be, but doesnt want to give anything back....
all I ask for is companionship, communication, and, relationship....
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Stuck
Its been weeks since I have been here, and, so much has happened, but, yet nothing has happened.
Im still the slug on the couch, unable to see opportunity for jobs, going on interviews being turned down, not even being turned down, just not being hired! I guess people dont call or write turn down letters anylonger. I have called to check on jobs and they tell me they are still in the "interview" sessions, or, no decision has been made, or, just no call backs. I just feel so lost, invisible, unloved, unwanted. I could go on and on, but, being pittiful, and yucky seems to be the norm lately. I dont even call friends anylonger for the fear of just being on a pitty party again, and not wanting to alienate them more than they already are.
Church people say, just have Faith, know God is in control, My faith has been stretched, wadded up, thrown in my face, and pushed aside so many times, nothing makes any sence anylonger.
I know reaching out to those who are less fortunate is a way of getting relief of being so down on ones self, but, I just dont feel I have anything to give anyone anylonger. I used to be the one who reached out to anyone in need, but, anymore, I just dont even care. I feel I have reached and reached, and when I need, no one knows how to help....
I have two guys in my home, who dont give anything, one is a zombie on meds who cant, or wont talk much, the other is a recovering alcoholic, who has been there for me while he was drunk, now that he is sober, he makes me feel as tho Im the sick one. He has had two jobs in the last 6 months, one being a very good job, but he quit do to the stress factors, and his drinking at that time. I gave him ultimatum of getting out, or quit drinking, no middle of the road.
He quit drikning, we felt it was a miracle from God, and I still praise Him for the healing which was given to him.
BUT....where has it gotten us, we still dont communicate, we still live like barely even a sister and brother would, in a household that doesnt talk, doesnt do fun things, cant find jobs, sit in front of computers day in and day out, not having any goals, or any points of interest. I CANT STAND THIS ANYLONGER!!!! BUT WHAT DO I DO?????
How do I over come this pile of shit I have landed in?
How do I get out of it?
Im still the slug on the couch, unable to see opportunity for jobs, going on interviews being turned down, not even being turned down, just not being hired! I guess people dont call or write turn down letters anylonger. I have called to check on jobs and they tell me they are still in the "interview" sessions, or, no decision has been made, or, just no call backs. I just feel so lost, invisible, unloved, unwanted. I could go on and on, but, being pittiful, and yucky seems to be the norm lately. I dont even call friends anylonger for the fear of just being on a pitty party again, and not wanting to alienate them more than they already are.
Church people say, just have Faith, know God is in control, My faith has been stretched, wadded up, thrown in my face, and pushed aside so many times, nothing makes any sence anylonger.
I know reaching out to those who are less fortunate is a way of getting relief of being so down on ones self, but, I just dont feel I have anything to give anyone anylonger. I used to be the one who reached out to anyone in need, but, anymore, I just dont even care. I feel I have reached and reached, and when I need, no one knows how to help....
I have two guys in my home, who dont give anything, one is a zombie on meds who cant, or wont talk much, the other is a recovering alcoholic, who has been there for me while he was drunk, now that he is sober, he makes me feel as tho Im the sick one. He has had two jobs in the last 6 months, one being a very good job, but he quit do to the stress factors, and his drinking at that time. I gave him ultimatum of getting out, or quit drinking, no middle of the road.
He quit drikning, we felt it was a miracle from God, and I still praise Him for the healing which was given to him.
BUT....where has it gotten us, we still dont communicate, we still live like barely even a sister and brother would, in a household that doesnt talk, doesnt do fun things, cant find jobs, sit in front of computers day in and day out, not having any goals, or any points of interest. I CANT STAND THIS ANYLONGER!!!! BUT WHAT DO I DO?????
How do I over come this pile of shit I have landed in?
How do I get out of it?
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