Life in Kansasgals head

when there is nothing left, one can only surrender self....
this is a quote out of a website about Oprah, asking the crowd to surrender all.

Because her parents never married, the world told her she was illegitimate. Her birth was the result of a one-time union between teens during a clandestine after-school meeting under an oak tree, she said. Despite that, she said, ''I know that my life was no accident.'' ''God has a dream for you, Olivet,'' she said. "My prayer is that you go home today and ask Him, 'What is the dream for me?' ''Get still and ask him. Listen,'' she said. ''Surrender all,'' she whispered, and then sat down. The audience in turn stood up with a thunderous ovation.

Knowing that I was born in a relationship, not coming out of a loving marrage, but, an affair, what is the reason for my life?
It used to bring me much love, acceptence, and sense of belonging, when I could reach out to others, and give of myself. I no longer have that gift, or desire to reach out.
Where has my heart gone?
why am I so lucid to the needs of others?
I somehow feel used up, nothing left to give to anyone, let alone even caring if anyone needs me.
I feel as tho I have given time after time, but, have felt so very little back.
I know I was given much during my youth, and I didnt appreciate it, so, I guess this is my lesson coming back at me, knowing those days are gone, and those lessons went un headed until now in the sunset of my life.

Wealth has evaded me, happiness has poked its head out so few times in my life, and, peace has not been a constant companion. I have lost the ability to see a future.
I have lost the vision of newness in my life, the mud of the ruts has taken over my sight.

Listen to me, everything is ME< ME < ME....how into myself shall I fade before I find my way out?
the maze of life has taken me on full circle, and what lessons have I learned?
So many questions, and no answers.
So many mysteries to be found out, so many quests to take, so many journeys not traveled.
Why is it there seems to be such an urgency to getting things figured out?
Why do I feel as tho, no matter what I do, there is never going to be answers to me....
People tell me to have faith, that is all I have ever had, faith that answers would come along, faith that bills would be paid, and faith that love would absolve all...
where has it gotten me?
more questions, no money, and no love.
Love with in the heart leads the way, but the way is long and narrow, and finding the hole is impossible
unless the light is let out, but, so far, it has only been false light, possibly a exploding fart?