moving slow in the mud

Mud is what I have been pulling my butt thru, shit doesnt even come close to saying how I feel about my life!
I know I have so much to be thankfull for, General things such as life its self, or, actually, if we are to hate life, then, why do they always tell us we should be thankful for life?

Jesus says to hate life, look forward to our life with our FATHER

Thankful for Life, air to breath, how much longer will that last?

Thankful for Life, homes to live in.....how many people are homeless tonight?

Thankful for Life, beds to sleep in.....how many people have nothing to sleep in, or, even a blanket to cover with??????

Thankful for Life, water to drink.....how many people have polluted water, or, no water to drink??????

Thankful for Life, family to love......how many people have no family close by, with the movement of our society, how many people even live close to family?

Thankful for Life, friends to enjoy.......how many people have known a person deep enough to call true friend?

Thankful for Life, for health.....how many people suffer from unknown diseases, cancers, heart failure, diabetes....and have no insurance, doctors, medications, or even knowledge of what to do????

Thankful for Life, and the food to sustain it....how many people go to bed with out something to eat, for days at a time?

Thankful for Life, Comforts.....how many people have never enjoyed one comfort in life?

Thankful for Life, Enjoyments......how many people have no fun, can only identify with war, with poverty, with no imagination to bring enjoyment into life

Thankful for Life, Money.....how many people work for low wages, not enough to live a comfortable, enjoyable, healthy life???

I am thankful for everything listed, and most probably more than what is listed, I know I have not been thankful outloud, I have bitched and complained about life, and all the bullshit that has come my way. I know I have alienated people, and got to the place of not having friends, or anyone who cares. It always seems if I share how crappy my life is, people dont know how to respond, so, they just dont respond, dont want to listen much....

I just want to know how enjoy what i have. I have so much, but, yet so little. I have lost every penny I have been given, which has been ALOT.....every "adventure" I have taken, has taken me to the poor house....
I enoyed each one, and loved the work, enjoyed the people, enjoyed the lifestyle, altho, it was laboring to work day after day for nothing, and see my income never develope.
Frustration, has been such a heavy thing, I just cant take it anylonger.
I dont know know how to get past being a failure, and, not seeing a future.....
I have a job now, not anything I want to do, but, at least I enjoy the people, my body hurts so bad when i get off work, i have no energy to have a life past crashing on the couch....
I dont know how to find the help I need. I hurt so bad, and have no insurance, and know I cannot affort more bills.
I had to quit paying my credit cards accured from my last 4 years, everything I have worked for, everypenny i have inherited, every day of my platimum credit rating is gone, taken away, lost, gone, and not one person has asked how im holding up, or, how i am dealing with my losses. My daddy dies, my business dies, my money drains out, my
house mate situation sucks, my own children have lives, I dont want to bother them....
and my grandaughter 4, doesnt even like to come see nana or, even talk to me on the phone. That hurt so bad, she might has well cut my heart out.....Im always so tired, and cranky when she comes, its no wonder she doesnt like coming here.

Always when my life falls apart, which is often, no one is around. Then, I feel so rejected, I pull away....
I did the same thing when my mother died.....
I did the same thing when my inlaws died.....
I did the same thing when my dad died......
Am I wrong, or, are my "friends"?
Rob has been my only friend, he has stood by me thru all the shit, he has listened to me when i was pissed, and moaning and groaning....and, some days i feel like he understands other times, I feel like he is just using me, just a place to be, but doesnt want to give anything back....
all I ask for is companionship, communication, and, relationship....