To love, and to let go

Nothing prepared me to be flooded witih the feelings for my ex, as when he came to live with me. Nothing prepared me to know, he had once stood at the side of my bed, trying to crawl in...when the mother of his son rejected him....and now will have nothing to do with me.
Being at my age of 55, sex has been out of my life for over 7 years. I was not prepared to feel the feelings I had not felt for all of those years. Living with an alcoholic for the last 7 years, keeping my sanity just in daily life. Left me feeling as if no one would ever want me again, so, I just let myself go.
Now....here is the one man I Loved with all my heart and soul so many years ago, wanted to be loved back by him, but..never could fit his mold...of what he wanted ...because he never told me....what he wanted...

now...to know he has his profile on many websites looking for women, and im in the same house...wanting him....and not being able to have him, is eating me alive...
trying to stay in my own space and not invade his space, is very difficult.

Finding and reading the book "The Root of Rejection" by Joyce Meyer has been my salvation...

I just hope i can injest every word, and bring it to life into my heart, I want so badly to live it, know it, and teach it to others who have been rejected in their lives.

Rejection....the basic of all emotional roots... brought on by being rejected at birth ,and never being able to live up to the expectations of my own eyes, to be good enough for anyone to ever want me...


I thank God for bringing this book into my life, it has saved me, from throwing myself at someone who obviosly does not want me, and, I have to learn to let go, and let God...
I have always believed everything happens for a reason.
The purpose for the ex coming back into my life, if nothing else, is to learn to let go...and be left with self dignity.

I have never been able to let go with out feeling totaly rejected....
Im 55 and, you would think by now, i could have my shit together but, but everytime, I think I might have my head together, something/ someone comes along and shows me how far from the truth i live.

When he moved in, I thought I could handle i... after 10 years...we had both moved on, we both had new lives.
but....did we?
He does or, at least wants me to believe he does...
why do i doubt that?
Because of the games he seems to enjoy playing with my heart and head....
I cant even start on all of the facts I know...to be true...and falsities which leave gaping wholes in his stories....

Here is an excerpt of the book...
and, I hope, someday I can help teach others not to fall back, but to take steps forward into the new life with out rejection holding them back...

"He was despised and rejected and forsaken by men, a Man of sorrows and pains, and acquainted with grief and sickness; and like One from Whom men hide their faces He was despised, and we did not appreciate His worth or have any esteem for Him.—Isaiah 53:3"
from The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer.

read it...digest it....live it....

be FREE.....

Amazing night

Feeling as if I had made the biggest mistake in allowing my ex to move back in with me.
The first month brought about some pretty hurtful times, and some fun times.
Some fights, some self preservation in all of us, and, some time that just didnt make much sence.

We all are trying to make good of a weird situation. If there is anyone who has gone thru life
with this type of situation, I would really love to hear from you.
Life doesnt come with a book of rules other than the Bible, and. I dont know that it talks aoubt threesome relationships other than, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost..


I have always had the huge ability to love more than one person at a time, now, i guess
I am living my fantacy?
Who knows, but for the moment it is working. who knows aobut tomorrow.
Living in the house with two other house mates, and no one having sex, if a very frustrating time for most of us.....the two who share a bed have no chemistry what so ever...
the other two....i dnot know if they will ever get together.
But...a nice sit down conversation was a good start last night...for that I THANK YOU!
Instead of walking on egg shells, the shell has been broken, and maybe now we can all move on....
It has taken me 55 years to get to the point of living on the edge, hanging on to the thinnest thread immaginable. I have not dropped yet, God is Good...
hopefully, He will throw me a rope to hang on to, nice and thick....