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blog surfing is my Sunday afternoon voyage.
My folks used to go for an afternoon drive, we would stop and visit people, sometimes sick people, sometimes just old people, sometimes people who had kids I could play with, but seldomly kids since most of their friends had grown kids I was the little one of the bunch. I always felt like I was being "taken care of" not sure if the older kids liked having me around but I dont think I ever heard them complaining i was there....at least I hope I wasnt a burden to them!

Voyaging....but, now...gas is so high, cant go driving around, have to stay home....so, I voyage online, but, no one talks back....sigh......

ALUNA

awesome moon tidal time piece
http://www.alunatime.org/html/time.htm


Did Jesus come at the right time in history?
Was he before his time?

I have always been before my time in things I have done, always too soon, and not noticed,
life has been hard, difficult, sometimes meaningless, but i have always had hope things would be better. I always felt special, and felt as tho God knew who I was but, that I didint know him, or, recognize him, or know what it was I was called to do.

Reading the Bible always gave me challenge to understand it, and when i read the scripture that they would only be given to those who truly believe, I guess I gave up reading because I felt as if I couldnt believe in something I dont understand, or see or feel.....but yet I know i believe!

Does that make sense?
I cant find anyone who really understands me, when I try to talk to people its like they hear the words im saying but not the meaning of them.....

I can see the hurt in peoples faces, the pain of their hearts when they speak, but, they run from me....why?


DAddy was super sensitive, and he didnt know how to handle it, he came from a family of hard hearts, and he just wanted to be loved.....I loved him dearly but we couldnt talk, we couldnt communicate, and even on his last sentence to me, "Im ready to go home," I thought he meant ready to go to his house, on Broadway. I wanted to take him to his house to live his last few days, to care for him, but, yet, so fearful, I wouldnt be able to do it.
He was ready to go HOME...he had made his peace with his Lord, and was ready to go home....and I didnt understand him....
It took me months to realize what he was saying, even tho he died two days later....

I did get to tell him good bye, and release him, and tell him I loved him, and mommy....My children were sitting around his bed, granddaughter was there, but we dont have memories of it, no one talks about it.....No one cares to talk about it....
Granddaughter doesnt remember her great grandpa, I have tried to talk to her about him but she just says, I dont remember him....
That hurts...that is the only way we can keep aperson alive in our spirit is if we talk about them, remember them, rejoice in their life....but, no one ever rejoices those lives.
WHY NOT?

The last time our family got together (daughter, son-in-law- grandaughter) we watched tv....a movie, it was good, but, there was NO relating with each other.
Christmas was good, my son and his g/f was here, we drank some wine, let our minds relax, and we COMMUNICATED ALL DAY! it was awesome!!!!!
but yet my daughter is so against drinking we cant have a bit of wine or anything when she is here.......



I just want to be loved, but it isnt there, I dont feel it from anyone....
I feel liked, but, no one would miss me if I leave tomorrow....
oh, maybe daughter would, for a day or two but she would get along with out me...

I always thought I could get along with out my parents, because I never seemed to be able to relate with them....but, I do miss them terribly....I spent many a day on their couch, just sitting with them, not talking much, nothing deep, nothing emotional. I never let them see me hurt. They would always try to fix it if I did, and, I couldnt accept their help....why?

I allowed them to see me cry once because ex had wrecked my car, and they right away went out and bought me a used car. One that had lots of problems and ended up costing us alot of money in repairs...


there is just so much inside, unsaid, missunderstood, and wanting to be released, feeling as tho im going to explode!!!


feels like the world feels, ready to explode
Was Jesus before his time?

finally, I LOVE MY JOB!

It is bizzarre but I love my job!
now that might not seem like a big deal to anyone, but, to me it is amazing!
I have had so many crappy jobs and I have wanted out of this town for so long, and did everything I could to get away, only to have to come back to take care of my dad, then, loose all my money in my business adventure, and, so broke I cant even file my bankruptcy paper work!!!!
Made full circle with living 5 houses from where I grew up in the 60's with my parents, to now working in the church which I left back in the 70's when my inlaws died and I felt as tho no one even cared. NOW I WORK THERE, and I LOVE IT!
well, cant truly say LOVE it but, its better than slaving away at the fast food joints in town, or slaving away in the hosptial, never knowing if my legs were going to hold out or not. If I can just hold my tounge when people come in with their petty complaints, like the print on the news letter is too small, I USE FONT SIZE 12!~!!! if they can read a fucking newspaper they can read my newsletter!!!!
Im doing things I love to do tho, such as putting the newsletter together, typing papers for people who need their reports typed, etc. The minister walks in, says goodmorning and I dont hear a word out of him unless he needs something or I have to ask him a question. Sometimes I feel as tho he would just as well not have to deal with me or anything else, he is certainly on his cell phone enough!
I try not to bother him unless I have to, but it makes for a pretty quite day.
Normally I just send him emails, he replies if he feels like it.
That is the only thing I dont care about my job, not that I want him down my neck about everything, but, some sort of normal boss- secretary interaction would be nice.
I guess he just figures I can do the job, and he doesnt need to do anything.
I struggle a bit with the same feelings i have had from this town, as to feeling as tho I just exist, and, barely am visible. Low profile is me, I might as well move to the mountains and just commune with Nature. Which brings me to the reason im writing this. My partner has the chance to go to California to do some work for his former boss. I WANT TO GO SO BAD! BUT....I have all this crap holding me here.
not to mention the fact that I still have the court date over my head, and all else.
Im trying to just be and not worry, but, here I am again writing about it. Time will tell, Im still getting calls from creditors, but I dont answer them any more.
I just want it all to go away.....and it doesnt...sigh....

moving on

Things have been really strange lately, its just a space im in.
I love my new job, things are looking up in that part of my life, the court order for my finances has me bothered, I will just be glad when its all over. Last night I was finally able to just BE...instead of praying for Gods blessings, or asking him to do something....crying out for help.....being desperate.....
just BE and accept, and allow what ever he has in sight.
For so long I Have been under so much stress and feeling as tho everything is against me, feeling as tho i have to just hang on to a bare thread to stay alive, and in a survival mode.
Does that make sense?
Begging God to keep sight of me, not allowing me to be thrown to the dogs, always fearing the next corner. Always afraid of loosing my kids, but yet being far enough from them that if something happened to them, I wouldnt be so devastated. I know the pain of death, and know how badly I have handled it over the past.

I feel as tho I have not made a big difference in my childrens lives, I have tried to allow them to make choices of their own will, not mine. I have tried to stay as far from friends, and family for knowing that they have seen me as a failure in so many ventures in my life, I just dont fit in anywhere.

I want to move out of this twon so badly, but i have allowed my life to become so full of material things, memories of people from my past life, memories, antiques, all material things. I cant just pick up and go, i have moved 10 times in 14 years, and im tired of moving!
but yet I NEVER WANTED TO END UP HERE!

Partner has had an offer to go to California to work this summer, I want to go so badly but....i have my new job, my daughter is going thru seperation of an 11 year marrage....
my knee is not doing good, not sure what is wrong but it is not doing good....
My ex is back, but he has made no effort to get back together, he just showed up to pick his stuff up, and, has not come back to get the rest of his stuff since I told him i still loved him....
he doesnt want to get sucked back in by me im sure.

I have no one to talk to about these things, everyone knows how much i have run away from problems, and i just dont want to share these things with them anylonger, i feel they have been patient enough with me.....
and think im totally nuts!

which I feel I am totally nuts most of the time, but EVERYONE has problems...why cant i walk thru mine emotionally?
why has it been so difficult for me almost putting me into the ground?
I dont know how much of my blog you have read, but, most of my life is on it, maybe some parts i have not finished because they became too difficult to write about. My life has been so fractured, so, pieced together, nothing feels together....am i making sense?


I dont understand the full circle things that have happened to me in my life, etc I know there is a lesson here, but, im having difficulty putting it together.

no control

My life is out of control again, or so it feels more so than normal. I have a court date coming up in a month for the non payment of my credit cards, my lawyer told me to just quit paying them, which I didint want to do but didnt have any money left to pay them, so, did. After phone calls from creditors finally quit coming thru, they slapped a court order on me, so far it is only one of the creditors who knows it could be more before its all over. What few assets I have will most probably be taken by the court. My dream of ever getting out of this town is going down the drain. I see myself sitting on the couch, watching tv the rest of my life....
and it feels so awful......

Starting over

I have been watching the show, Starting Over for about a year now. When I was in Florida, I could only hope, I would be able to start over, wanting to be on that show so I could get the help I needed to start over. God knows there has never been anyone who has ever offered me real, useable knowledge to start over, or, get my life on track!

I don't have a clue, what is happening in my life right now, but so many
"full circle" moments are happening its scary.
Is it just that Im aware of it, or, are they trying to teach me something?
I wish I had someone to just sit and talk to about it, but, no one "gets it"
except my friend in smalll town usa, Im going to go try to work with her in a few weeks, she has offered to pay me for coming to do work, but, I would much rather just volunteer my time cuz then, she cant get pissed at me if i cant do as much work as she is wanting me to do. I just don't know if I have the energy back yet, inorder to work that hard for her. The job at the hospital just about finished me off. The past 4 years have almost killed me, but, somedays I feel as tho Im recuperating, other days, I feel as the I fall way short of any type of recovery.
Every step forward seems to be pushed back with 4 steps backwards...

I was raised an only child, by parents who didnt know how to communicate with me, wence I dont know how to communicate with people, i have always felt alienated by them, rejected by them, i become emotional too easily, i cry alot, people get scared, dont know how to talk to me so, stay away.....which, has made me seclude myself from people, not wanting to feel the rejections any longer.

My ex has not answered two phone calls, I found some things of his, and wanted to give them back, but, that is more of just an excuse to call him.. I miss him so much, but our love was a lustfull one, now, the rejection is just a reminder of the rejection I received during our marrage so many years ago...I wanted to be loved, and accepted by him so badly back then, it hasnt changed....
I see for the first time, I didnt care enough about our marrage to loose weight, when I knew he felt repulsed at my weight....I didnt have the capability, or, guts, or, what ever it takes to loose the weight...or...ambition, knowledge to be able to get the weight off...desire to become what "HE WANTED ME TO BE" OR...to be a better, prettier person on the outside, so I could finally alow the real me to show...?

I just wanted him to love me for me, not what I looked like, but, I also know I was an embarressment to his family, they are all thing, well taken care of, not stressed out, thin, and, in shape. They have always had plenty of money to help them out with lifes problems, and, always had things going their way....or....at least they never shared any negative life happenings to me....their "sister inlaw"
but.....then, i was never a part of their family...married 13 1/2 years and they NEVER EVER made me feel like a part of their family....I loved him so very much but yet he rejected me over and over, and, never saw that I might have been able to do something about loosing him?

My first husbands family was my family....and they were wiped out of my life before I could really appreciate them.....
and let them know how much I loved them.....
I didnt appreciate his family, I didnt feel his "love" I/ we didnt know how to connect....I just wanted out of my family!

My current partner accepts me, his family accepts me, but, i dont feel any "lust, or, deep down love with all my heart love for him... he does mean a lot to me, but, we dont have sex, we dont seem to get intimate, we dont really talk aobut much anymore. USusally when he does talk to me he has had too much to drink, and I feel he isnt going to remember what we talked about anyway, so, why give him my thoughts...
Then when he does get talkative, its his ego I have to stroke, everything becomes about HIM.... then, he turns into his negative self, and once that happens he is impossible to talk to, not rational at all.

His home town is in the highschool wrestleing tournament this weekend, im hoping he will go, so i can have a few days with OUT him in my face .....
I feel terrible for wishing he werent here, but im just so tired of putting up with his crap. BUT...I DONT WANT TO LIVE ALONE EITHER...or, should I say..cant aford to live alone! If, he werent here, would I find another house mate, more compatible?
I guess Im afraid to try to find out....fear of more rejection....
At my age, and shape im in, who would want to be with me, i can barely be with me, let alone some stranger!

low eb

When I started writing my blog, I only was using it as my therapy. Only for my own use, but, I know people pass thru and do some reading, maybe not much...but... if you are inclined, please leave a comment :)

It is My link to sanity. I try writing in journals but always loose the book, or pages get messed up, pretty out of order, just like my life.
I thought at least being on a blog, I wouldnt loose my pages, or the whole frickin book!
UNLESS the internet goes totally down, then im screwed, cuz, I havent figuered out how to print off of the blog.

When I started writing this blog, I was at an eb in my life, a low, depression like I had never experienced in my life.
I have lost all of the people in my life that ever meant anything to me, other than my children, and I beg God to please not to test me by taking them away. I have deliberately stayed out of my kids lives because I didnt want them to have to suffer the pains I have. I didnt want them to know the pain I have gone thru.
I didnt want them to feel sorry for me, I wanted them to love me for ME, not because they felt obligated or felt sorry for me!

All of my life I have felt as tho people ignored me, didnt really love me but just tolerated me. Since I am adopted, I felt as tho everyone just
acted like they liked me to be nice. I have proven this to be true by seeing how they have treated me over the past 2 1/2 years.
With my dad dying, and loosing my buisiness, not one cousin came forth to put their arm around me and say, we are with you, we care for you, want to help you. I have talked till I was blue in the face
trying to find emotional help. NO ONE wants to hear my problems
they all have their own. Everyone of my friends have been
illusive of me since I moved back, they never call me, only when I call them do we get together!
Im past the feeling of desperation, or, totally alone, I have been able to maintain with the help of my best friend from travel agency school.
If it hadnt been for her I would have gone totally nuts. I have a couple of friends here in town but they never call, so, unless i have money to go to lunch, i dont call them, and i havent had money to go out for months!

This months finances are at an all time high for us, because my
lease holder in my building has left, which means i have to come up with the money to make that payment. I also have to file my bankruptcy,
Im trying really hard not to be stressed by it, trying to hold on to faith that the money will always be there but im at the edge of my faith cliff which I have learned to know pretty well.....i always end up using my savings to pay the extra, or, credit cards which is what i had to do in harper.
then, my credit cards got too high, and, daddy died, i inherited his estate which was NOT tiny, but, it wasnt huge either, it was far more than I ever thought he would be able to put together on his meager wages. Over his whole life I dont think he ever made more than 8.00 an hour if that much!
Yet he was able to stash away almost 200,000.00 which was gone in one year of trying to hang on to my business. My baby, My love, my life....my bbq, or I should say, my partners and mine, he was just as much a parent to our business as I was, and he has lost every thing too, along with me...

my / our future....is now gone...and im back to what i was starting about today, loosing everything and asking God to please have mercy on me and not test me by taking the two things in my life which would kill me if i lost.

There are days I dont think about it much, kind of like an ostrich with my head in the sand.....hoping it will all go away, then, there are days I pray about it, give it to the lord, and, keep hoping things will change, all the while, all keeps getting worse. Here I am in the middle of Bible Belt USA.
Even my new boss, gave me a total of less than 15 minutes when I told him i needed to talk to him about something personal. He asked, how long is a few minutes? I said, maybe 15 minutes, he said, I dont have 15, how bout 10?
so, i had to speed dial thru me trying to tell him about my living arangements. I know its no ones business, but, I figure if the people in the church find out about my lifestyle they might hang me on the cross, and put me out on main street!
I know how they used to be, and, sure dont want to face their wrath!

I feel the need to write these truths, God as my witness, he knows all I have gone thru in this town, all the pain, and stress. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY PROVIDER MY STRENGTH< MY LOVE>
but why do I not feel it?
I know im supposed to walk in Faith not by sight, but, it gets so difficult when i dont see one thing in front of me that makes sense!
I always thought Jesus would be my light in the lymbrath of life, like a maze, seeing the light to know where to turn.
I always thought because doors opened, it was the direction I was to take. I know there have been times I have knocked on the doors several times before they were opened.
Were those doors which were not to be opened, I walked in with my own power?
I know my job now was given to me by the Lord, I didnt do anything to "make" me stand out or try to make sure they knew I was interested. I did call one time right after I took my resume in. I just wanted to make sure it was given to them since they had no secretary, and the lady who was working the day I was there didnt seem to know much when I tried to ask questions. They did get the resume, and, I did get the job. I started last week, it is less money than the job I had but it isnt physical labor, which, my body just couldnt take anylonger. So far I like what Im doing, but, so far, I have only been able to wade thru the mess that was left by the other secretary.
I walked in on Wednesday, the minister gave me a box of info and said, this goes into this weeks newsletter, hope you can figure out how to p ut it together cuz I have to leave and wont be back till after 1pm. He left, and I took a big gulp of water and went to work!
I would have had the newsletter done and ready to go, but, the copy machine decided to not work. I had to wait for the next morning for him to come back so I could have him show me what to do with it. I did get it out, but 2 hours late!
Not bad for my first day!

This is the church I went to 30 some years ago, when my inlaws were killed in "the wreck" after 6 weeks of not hearing from one person from church, we quit going there.....now...i have made full circle, and, for what?
What is the lessons the Lord is showing me?
It does feel good to be back around people I knew years ago, its been so lonely here since I moved back 3 years ago.