moving on

Things have been really strange lately, its just a space im in.
I love my new job, things are looking up in that part of my life, the court order for my finances has me bothered, I will just be glad when its all over. Last night I was finally able to just BE...instead of praying for Gods blessings, or asking him to do something....crying out for help.....being desperate.....
just BE and accept, and allow what ever he has in sight.
For so long I Have been under so much stress and feeling as tho everything is against me, feeling as tho i have to just hang on to a bare thread to stay alive, and in a survival mode.
Does that make sense?
Begging God to keep sight of me, not allowing me to be thrown to the dogs, always fearing the next corner. Always afraid of loosing my kids, but yet being far enough from them that if something happened to them, I wouldnt be so devastated. I know the pain of death, and know how badly I have handled it over the past.

I feel as tho I have not made a big difference in my childrens lives, I have tried to allow them to make choices of their own will, not mine. I have tried to stay as far from friends, and family for knowing that they have seen me as a failure in so many ventures in my life, I just dont fit in anywhere.

I want to move out of this twon so badly, but i have allowed my life to become so full of material things, memories of people from my past life, memories, antiques, all material things. I cant just pick up and go, i have moved 10 times in 14 years, and im tired of moving!
but yet I NEVER WANTED TO END UP HERE!

Partner has had an offer to go to California to work this summer, I want to go so badly but....i have my new job, my daughter is going thru seperation of an 11 year marrage....
my knee is not doing good, not sure what is wrong but it is not doing good....
My ex is back, but he has made no effort to get back together, he just showed up to pick his stuff up, and, has not come back to get the rest of his stuff since I told him i still loved him....
he doesnt want to get sucked back in by me im sure.

I have no one to talk to about these things, everyone knows how much i have run away from problems, and i just dont want to share these things with them anylonger, i feel they have been patient enough with me.....
and think im totally nuts!

which I feel I am totally nuts most of the time, but EVERYONE has problems...why cant i walk thru mine emotionally?
why has it been so difficult for me almost putting me into the ground?
I dont know how much of my blog you have read, but, most of my life is on it, maybe some parts i have not finished because they became too difficult to write about. My life has been so fractured, so, pieced together, nothing feels together....am i making sense?


I dont understand the full circle things that have happened to me in my life, etc I know there is a lesson here, but, im having difficulty putting it together.