low eb

When I started writing my blog, I only was using it as my therapy. Only for my own use, but, I know people pass thru and do some reading, maybe not much...but... if you are inclined, please leave a comment :)

It is My link to sanity. I try writing in journals but always loose the book, or pages get messed up, pretty out of order, just like my life.
I thought at least being on a blog, I wouldnt loose my pages, or the whole frickin book!
UNLESS the internet goes totally down, then im screwed, cuz, I havent figuered out how to print off of the blog.

When I started writing this blog, I was at an eb in my life, a low, depression like I had never experienced in my life.
I have lost all of the people in my life that ever meant anything to me, other than my children, and I beg God to please not to test me by taking them away. I have deliberately stayed out of my kids lives because I didnt want them to have to suffer the pains I have. I didnt want them to know the pain I have gone thru.
I didnt want them to feel sorry for me, I wanted them to love me for ME, not because they felt obligated or felt sorry for me!

All of my life I have felt as tho people ignored me, didnt really love me but just tolerated me. Since I am adopted, I felt as tho everyone just
acted like they liked me to be nice. I have proven this to be true by seeing how they have treated me over the past 2 1/2 years.
With my dad dying, and loosing my buisiness, not one cousin came forth to put their arm around me and say, we are with you, we care for you, want to help you. I have talked till I was blue in the face
trying to find emotional help. NO ONE wants to hear my problems
they all have their own. Everyone of my friends have been
illusive of me since I moved back, they never call me, only when I call them do we get together!
Im past the feeling of desperation, or, totally alone, I have been able to maintain with the help of my best friend from travel agency school.
If it hadnt been for her I would have gone totally nuts. I have a couple of friends here in town but they never call, so, unless i have money to go to lunch, i dont call them, and i havent had money to go out for months!

This months finances are at an all time high for us, because my
lease holder in my building has left, which means i have to come up with the money to make that payment. I also have to file my bankruptcy,
Im trying really hard not to be stressed by it, trying to hold on to faith that the money will always be there but im at the edge of my faith cliff which I have learned to know pretty well.....i always end up using my savings to pay the extra, or, credit cards which is what i had to do in harper.
then, my credit cards got too high, and, daddy died, i inherited his estate which was NOT tiny, but, it wasnt huge either, it was far more than I ever thought he would be able to put together on his meager wages. Over his whole life I dont think he ever made more than 8.00 an hour if that much!
Yet he was able to stash away almost 200,000.00 which was gone in one year of trying to hang on to my business. My baby, My love, my life....my bbq, or I should say, my partners and mine, he was just as much a parent to our business as I was, and he has lost every thing too, along with me...

my / our future....is now gone...and im back to what i was starting about today, loosing everything and asking God to please have mercy on me and not test me by taking the two things in my life which would kill me if i lost.

There are days I dont think about it much, kind of like an ostrich with my head in the sand.....hoping it will all go away, then, there are days I pray about it, give it to the lord, and, keep hoping things will change, all the while, all keeps getting worse. Here I am in the middle of Bible Belt USA.
Even my new boss, gave me a total of less than 15 minutes when I told him i needed to talk to him about something personal. He asked, how long is a few minutes? I said, maybe 15 minutes, he said, I dont have 15, how bout 10?
so, i had to speed dial thru me trying to tell him about my living arangements. I know its no ones business, but, I figure if the people in the church find out about my lifestyle they might hang me on the cross, and put me out on main street!
I know how they used to be, and, sure dont want to face their wrath!

I feel the need to write these truths, God as my witness, he knows all I have gone thru in this town, all the pain, and stress. HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY PROVIDER MY STRENGTH< MY LOVE>
but why do I not feel it?
I know im supposed to walk in Faith not by sight, but, it gets so difficult when i dont see one thing in front of me that makes sense!
I always thought Jesus would be my light in the lymbrath of life, like a maze, seeing the light to know where to turn.
I always thought because doors opened, it was the direction I was to take. I know there have been times I have knocked on the doors several times before they were opened.
Were those doors which were not to be opened, I walked in with my own power?
I know my job now was given to me by the Lord, I didnt do anything to "make" me stand out or try to make sure they knew I was interested. I did call one time right after I took my resume in. I just wanted to make sure it was given to them since they had no secretary, and the lady who was working the day I was there didnt seem to know much when I tried to ask questions. They did get the resume, and, I did get the job. I started last week, it is less money than the job I had but it isnt physical labor, which, my body just couldnt take anylonger. So far I like what Im doing, but, so far, I have only been able to wade thru the mess that was left by the other secretary.
I walked in on Wednesday, the minister gave me a box of info and said, this goes into this weeks newsletter, hope you can figure out how to p ut it together cuz I have to leave and wont be back till after 1pm. He left, and I took a big gulp of water and went to work!
I would have had the newsletter done and ready to go, but, the copy machine decided to not work. I had to wait for the next morning for him to come back so I could have him show me what to do with it. I did get it out, but 2 hours late!
Not bad for my first day!

This is the church I went to 30 some years ago, when my inlaws were killed in "the wreck" after 6 weeks of not hearing from one person from church, we quit going there.....now...i have made full circle, and, for what?
What is the lessons the Lord is showing me?
It does feel good to be back around people I knew years ago, its been so lonely here since I moved back 3 years ago.