ALUNA

awesome moon tidal time piece
http://www.alunatime.org/html/time.htm


Did Jesus come at the right time in history?
Was he before his time?

I have always been before my time in things I have done, always too soon, and not noticed,
life has been hard, difficult, sometimes meaningless, but i have always had hope things would be better. I always felt special, and felt as tho God knew who I was but, that I didint know him, or, recognize him, or know what it was I was called to do.

Reading the Bible always gave me challenge to understand it, and when i read the scripture that they would only be given to those who truly believe, I guess I gave up reading because I felt as if I couldnt believe in something I dont understand, or see or feel.....but yet I know i believe!

Does that make sense?
I cant find anyone who really understands me, when I try to talk to people its like they hear the words im saying but not the meaning of them.....

I can see the hurt in peoples faces, the pain of their hearts when they speak, but, they run from me....why?


DAddy was super sensitive, and he didnt know how to handle it, he came from a family of hard hearts, and he just wanted to be loved.....I loved him dearly but we couldnt talk, we couldnt communicate, and even on his last sentence to me, "Im ready to go home," I thought he meant ready to go to his house, on Broadway. I wanted to take him to his house to live his last few days, to care for him, but, yet, so fearful, I wouldnt be able to do it.
He was ready to go HOME...he had made his peace with his Lord, and was ready to go home....and I didnt understand him....
It took me months to realize what he was saying, even tho he died two days later....

I did get to tell him good bye, and release him, and tell him I loved him, and mommy....My children were sitting around his bed, granddaughter was there, but we dont have memories of it, no one talks about it.....No one cares to talk about it....
Granddaughter doesnt remember her great grandpa, I have tried to talk to her about him but she just says, I dont remember him....
That hurts...that is the only way we can keep aperson alive in our spirit is if we talk about them, remember them, rejoice in their life....but, no one ever rejoices those lives.
WHY NOT?

The last time our family got together (daughter, son-in-law- grandaughter) we watched tv....a movie, it was good, but, there was NO relating with each other.
Christmas was good, my son and his g/f was here, we drank some wine, let our minds relax, and we COMMUNICATED ALL DAY! it was awesome!!!!!
but yet my daughter is so against drinking we cant have a bit of wine or anything when she is here.......



I just want to be loved, but it isnt there, I dont feel it from anyone....
I feel liked, but, no one would miss me if I leave tomorrow....
oh, maybe daughter would, for a day or two but she would get along with out me...

I always thought I could get along with out my parents, because I never seemed to be able to relate with them....but, I do miss them terribly....I spent many a day on their couch, just sitting with them, not talking much, nothing deep, nothing emotional. I never let them see me hurt. They would always try to fix it if I did, and, I couldnt accept their help....why?

I allowed them to see me cry once because ex had wrecked my car, and they right away went out and bought me a used car. One that had lots of problems and ended up costing us alot of money in repairs...


there is just so much inside, unsaid, missunderstood, and wanting to be released, feeling as tho im going to explode!!!


feels like the world feels, ready to explode
Was Jesus before his time?