Starting over

I have been watching the show, Starting Over for about a year now. When I was in Florida, I could only hope, I would be able to start over, wanting to be on that show so I could get the help I needed to start over. God knows there has never been anyone who has ever offered me real, useable knowledge to start over, or, get my life on track!

I don't have a clue, what is happening in my life right now, but so many
"full circle" moments are happening its scary.
Is it just that Im aware of it, or, are they trying to teach me something?
I wish I had someone to just sit and talk to about it, but, no one "gets it"
except my friend in smalll town usa, Im going to go try to work with her in a few weeks, she has offered to pay me for coming to do work, but, I would much rather just volunteer my time cuz then, she cant get pissed at me if i cant do as much work as she is wanting me to do. I just don't know if I have the energy back yet, inorder to work that hard for her. The job at the hospital just about finished me off. The past 4 years have almost killed me, but, somedays I feel as tho Im recuperating, other days, I feel as the I fall way short of any type of recovery.
Every step forward seems to be pushed back with 4 steps backwards...

I was raised an only child, by parents who didnt know how to communicate with me, wence I dont know how to communicate with people, i have always felt alienated by them, rejected by them, i become emotional too easily, i cry alot, people get scared, dont know how to talk to me so, stay away.....which, has made me seclude myself from people, not wanting to feel the rejections any longer.

My ex has not answered two phone calls, I found some things of his, and wanted to give them back, but, that is more of just an excuse to call him.. I miss him so much, but our love was a lustfull one, now, the rejection is just a reminder of the rejection I received during our marrage so many years ago...I wanted to be loved, and accepted by him so badly back then, it hasnt changed....
I see for the first time, I didnt care enough about our marrage to loose weight, when I knew he felt repulsed at my weight....I didnt have the capability, or, guts, or, what ever it takes to loose the weight...or...ambition, knowledge to be able to get the weight off...desire to become what "HE WANTED ME TO BE" OR...to be a better, prettier person on the outside, so I could finally alow the real me to show...?

I just wanted him to love me for me, not what I looked like, but, I also know I was an embarressment to his family, they are all thing, well taken care of, not stressed out, thin, and, in shape. They have always had plenty of money to help them out with lifes problems, and, always had things going their way....or....at least they never shared any negative life happenings to me....their "sister inlaw"
but.....then, i was never a part of their family...married 13 1/2 years and they NEVER EVER made me feel like a part of their family....I loved him so very much but yet he rejected me over and over, and, never saw that I might have been able to do something about loosing him?

My first husbands family was my family....and they were wiped out of my life before I could really appreciate them.....
and let them know how much I loved them.....
I didnt appreciate his family, I didnt feel his "love" I/ we didnt know how to connect....I just wanted out of my family!

My current partner accepts me, his family accepts me, but, i dont feel any "lust, or, deep down love with all my heart love for him... he does mean a lot to me, but, we dont have sex, we dont seem to get intimate, we dont really talk aobut much anymore. USusally when he does talk to me he has had too much to drink, and I feel he isnt going to remember what we talked about anyway, so, why give him my thoughts...
Then when he does get talkative, its his ego I have to stroke, everything becomes about HIM.... then, he turns into his negative self, and once that happens he is impossible to talk to, not rational at all.

His home town is in the highschool wrestleing tournament this weekend, im hoping he will go, so i can have a few days with OUT him in my face .....
I feel terrible for wishing he werent here, but im just so tired of putting up with his crap. BUT...I DONT WANT TO LIVE ALONE EITHER...or, should I say..cant aford to live alone! If, he werent here, would I find another house mate, more compatible?
I guess Im afraid to try to find out....fear of more rejection....
At my age, and shape im in, who would want to be with me, i can barely be with me, let alone some stranger!