I didnt realize the Kennedy fortune was made on prohibition, he ran rum from canada !
Bernstein boys, other ideas where the purples should make their money, jewish mofia
in Detroit
1925/1932 unsolved murders most attributed to the purple gang
take over the river and control of alcohol from canada
1927, highth of their power, over half was brought in down the detroit river
sell most of their bootleg to Al Capone
he sets his sites on Detroit, opening up a franchise with the Bernstein boys,
they told him to get out of Detroit,
he knew a gang war was impossible, he made an allignment with the purple gang
Buggsy, Highjacks intended Capone whiskey. St Valentines day massicre, missed the target, Buggsy wasnt there, he didnt get killed...
Taken from the History channel, on bootlegging
Country was tired of prohibition
it wasnt working, more death in the streets, more war on streets than when people were able to drink!
soooo where does that take us for the war on drugs?
the killing in our streets because of drugs has created another impossible war to win.
and, look at the evidense, not the propaganda, what the government force fed the nation to believe it was the only way to get rid of drugs!
I find it interesting Kennedys fortune was made on illegal activity, then, it was ok?
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
the revolution
are we honest in life?
is our life built on truth, or, on lies...
can anyone know, during ones life who they are really bowing down to which GOD?
is our life built on truth, or, on lies...
can anyone know, during ones life who they are really bowing down to which GOD?
where i live
I have lived here since 1965, I have very few real friends, ones that can identify with my life, who can know the pain I live in everyday. Some, can try to talk to me, but when they hear of my pain, they are gone, never call me or reciprocate the invitations.
Alcohol seems to be a binder that brings women together, something in comon.
Those who need one another.
Children are a bond, that parents should have with their children.
As much as I love my daughter now,
I dont think we bonded, when my daughter was born, I wanted a son, I was so dissapointed when they told me the baby was a girl. I didnt nurse her, I watched her grow in my arms, but, not sure we bonded. I went forward when she was 6 weeks old, and cried out to God to give me the love and ability to raise her to be the wonderful young woman she is now, she is such a blessing. So adult, and so Christian, so, ............
I loved her, but, didnt know how to deal with the dissapointment.
When I was really small, I had good things happen to me, I was "special" I was given prizes at the Whitewater festival, and, I never knew why, all tho, I felt loved, and special.
Something happened, something during my 10 or 11 year and from there on out, my life changed. I was no longer special, but, cursed, given no choices always taken first thing that took on in my road, thinking, it was a gift given to me, and not checked out.
We were given the choice of the trailer house, kitchen....i didnt want to have to work that hard, and, have no guarentees of finding a living in that life style.
Every choice I have walked into was a choice of peace, a feeling that it was right, it had come up to me and I freely took it.
I freely accepted the responsibility of the work required, the little knowledge given on how to run my business, and very little advice from "friends, co workers, or even professionals, paid big bucks for "advice" no one could give me direction, no one would listen long enough to talk to me, or help me walk thro the direction I was being taken.
We were blessed, given a huge sum of money, and, it was taken away.....so fast.....
I take the turn, and, life changes, nothing goes as I had "expected" or, how, in my mind it made so much sense, and should have worked.
Like buying the Emu's, when we finally got set up, had all the dollars invested, the people who were supposed to be there to help us market, by teaching us, like the big guy south west of town, he got everyone excited about emu's about the wonderful things emu's brought into the owners lives, the pro's and con's, mostly telling the pro's, leaving out the con's.
We were taken for a ride, which left us broke, family distroyed, and divorced.
That was the begging of my end, or, was it the begging of the beginning :)
Leaving for Wichita took me on another adventure, I got a school loan, went to school to become a travel agent, the school was a sham, I didnt learn anything, and, I was not prepared for the job.
My first job was a small travel agency, and, the woman who hired me was a nice down to earth woman, who, I think I could have learned alot from. But, she was let go, and, another manager was brought in who was a small, young, executive agent, who demanded experience, and professionalism which I hadnt learned yet.
I lasted 6 months. In between, while trying to do the job, my divorce went thru, I had ended my 13 1/2 year marrage and, received my freedom. I was a woman who could do anything, I had a career, I had a nice appartment, and I was free to do those things, to live the life I had always dreamed of....
Find a wonderful man, become a wonderful wife, and, have a wonderful home.
What I found, was finding that man isnt easy, in fact it is very diffciult, but, can be alot of fun, challenging, and, rewarding, and hell!!!!
I found myself, heart broken, by one of these "wonderful men" who walked into my life unannounced, mysterically, and, I became another one of his victims, someone who probably was not experienced for his divineer way of swooning me, who, gave me self worth the first time he looked at my eyes, and, the whole evening, something I had NEVER FELT IN MY LIFE....
HE hooked me into his web into his eyes, the first 15 minutes we were together, before the night was over, I was his prey.....
and he became my PRAY!
I lost every piece of my self, I was gone, I was invisible, I didnt exist anylonger, he was gone....
Alcohol seems to be a binder that brings women together, something in comon.
Those who need one another.
Children are a bond, that parents should have with their children.
As much as I love my daughter now,
I dont think we bonded, when my daughter was born, I wanted a son, I was so dissapointed when they told me the baby was a girl. I didnt nurse her, I watched her grow in my arms, but, not sure we bonded. I went forward when she was 6 weeks old, and cried out to God to give me the love and ability to raise her to be the wonderful young woman she is now, she is such a blessing. So adult, and so Christian, so, ............
I loved her, but, didnt know how to deal with the dissapointment.
When I was really small, I had good things happen to me, I was "special" I was given prizes at the Whitewater festival, and, I never knew why, all tho, I felt loved, and special.
Something happened, something during my 10 or 11 year and from there on out, my life changed. I was no longer special, but, cursed, given no choices always taken first thing that took on in my road, thinking, it was a gift given to me, and not checked out.
We were given the choice of the trailer house, kitchen....i didnt want to have to work that hard, and, have no guarentees of finding a living in that life style.
Every choice I have walked into was a choice of peace, a feeling that it was right, it had come up to me and I freely took it.
I freely accepted the responsibility of the work required, the little knowledge given on how to run my business, and very little advice from "friends, co workers, or even professionals, paid big bucks for "advice" no one could give me direction, no one would listen long enough to talk to me, or help me walk thro the direction I was being taken.
We were blessed, given a huge sum of money, and, it was taken away.....so fast.....
I take the turn, and, life changes, nothing goes as I had "expected" or, how, in my mind it made so much sense, and should have worked.
Like buying the Emu's, when we finally got set up, had all the dollars invested, the people who were supposed to be there to help us market, by teaching us, like the big guy south west of town, he got everyone excited about emu's about the wonderful things emu's brought into the owners lives, the pro's and con's, mostly telling the pro's, leaving out the con's.
We were taken for a ride, which left us broke, family distroyed, and divorced.
That was the begging of my end, or, was it the begging of the beginning :)
Leaving for Wichita took me on another adventure, I got a school loan, went to school to become a travel agent, the school was a sham, I didnt learn anything, and, I was not prepared for the job.
My first job was a small travel agency, and, the woman who hired me was a nice down to earth woman, who, I think I could have learned alot from. But, she was let go, and, another manager was brought in who was a small, young, executive agent, who demanded experience, and professionalism which I hadnt learned yet.
I lasted 6 months. In between, while trying to do the job, my divorce went thru, I had ended my 13 1/2 year marrage and, received my freedom. I was a woman who could do anything, I had a career, I had a nice appartment, and I was free to do those things, to live the life I had always dreamed of....
Find a wonderful man, become a wonderful wife, and, have a wonderful home.
What I found, was finding that man isnt easy, in fact it is very diffciult, but, can be alot of fun, challenging, and, rewarding, and hell!!!!
I found myself, heart broken, by one of these "wonderful men" who walked into my life unannounced, mysterically, and, I became another one of his victims, someone who probably was not experienced for his divineer way of swooning me, who, gave me self worth the first time he looked at my eyes, and, the whole evening, something I had NEVER FELT IN MY LIFE....
HE hooked me into his web into his eyes, the first 15 minutes we were together, before the night was over, I was his prey.....
and he became my PRAY!
I lost every piece of my self, I was gone, I was invisible, I didnt exist anylonger, he was gone....
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
my deep sorrow
Sorrow, faith, regret, lingering pain.....
The two people I look up to so highly, are going thru a desperate time of sorrow,
they have just lost another son, their family of 5 children is now, 3 living.
Jon died, 3 years ago, now, David died last week, after missing for 10 days they found his body, in a delapidated building, he collapsed, and died...
what did he die of?
They say he has been depressed, he has had a lot of rejections, his diabetis has kept him from living the life he had dreamed of. Did he kill himself? not, physically, they cant find any wounds or reasons....
did he die of a broken heart, of unfullfilled dreams?
I can understand how that can happen, I feel the same way, I just want to go off, alone, and die.......
The two people I look up to so highly, are going thru a desperate time of sorrow,
they have just lost another son, their family of 5 children is now, 3 living.
Jon died, 3 years ago, now, David died last week, after missing for 10 days they found his body, in a delapidated building, he collapsed, and died...
what did he die of?
They say he has been depressed, he has had a lot of rejections, his diabetis has kept him from living the life he had dreamed of. Did he kill himself? not, physically, they cant find any wounds or reasons....
did he die of a broken heart, of unfullfilled dreams?
I can understand how that can happen, I feel the same way, I just want to go off, alone, and die.......
Friday, October 15, 2004
How do they do it?
Some people walk thru life like it is just a normal everyday thing, nothing much bothers them, and, life is good.
My life has been anything but normal, and never seems to be good!
I try to see the blessings, and the normal things, such as my kids are such a blessing, and they are fairly NORMAL! Which is a miracle in its self concidering the crap they ahve had to grow up with, my divorce, twice, my many moves, my living with Rob, and my numerous business failings. The money they should have been able to inherit, which I have gone thru trying to grow, instead of....lost...evrey penny of it....
over and over, more and more, pisses me off, and the anger comes thru more and more.
My life has been anything but normal, and never seems to be good!
I try to see the blessings, and the normal things, such as my kids are such a blessing, and they are fairly NORMAL! Which is a miracle in its self concidering the crap they ahve had to grow up with, my divorce, twice, my many moves, my living with Rob, and my numerous business failings. The money they should have been able to inherit, which I have gone thru trying to grow, instead of....lost...evrey penny of it....
over and over, more and more, pisses me off, and the anger comes thru more and more.
Dreams
I never remember my dreams, and when I finally have one that I wake up to, it lingers in my mind for days, trying to figure out what it means.
Last night, I was hanging around with a group of people who were teaching me how to fly, I mean, we would get in a circle, jump up into the sky and take off, we could stay up in the air for hours it was incredible. I remember the freedom of drifting around, looking below to see all the worries of the day below. No one knew about our group of people, we got together several times a week, and just had a great time. (did i dream that?) mmmmm its building as I think of it haha...
For some reason we were at a big store, like a Penny's or Montgomery Wards or something like that, not a WalMart, but a old fashioned department store. There was a big car parking lot type of area, my leader who ever she was, told me to come on out to the parking lot, she wanted us to fly in front of the people, I remember being totally exhausted from the week of flying before, and, I couldnt get up, I was too tired.
Im sure it has everything to do with my exhaustion in life im feeling right now, my dispair of not getting my life together once again.
I had it all planned, I would get this house ready for sell, move to missouri and start over....right?
not....its totally in disarea again.
Rob is talking abut going to Florida to work on construction, it would be greta, if he could do it, with his drinking as bad as it is, I trully cant see him down there alone, and making it.
ITs a dream to get rid of him!!! and, know he could walk on his own two feet.
It is amazing to me how half of his brothers are such assholes, and the younger ones are great providers and wonderful husbands, fathers. The abuse the older ones lived thru has such a hold on them they dont function and are dependent in their lives, dependent on alcohol, drugs, women. They cant live with out a woman, but they make life so misserable for that woman they cant stay with one longer than 4 or 5 years, or, that is the story im living right now.
He is a wonderful guy when he is sober, but, he doesnt stay sober very long, 3-4 months at a time, if that long....
Since we have been together he has been in two treatment centers, a dry out center, and each time he stayed sober only short times.
I know he wants to not be the asshole he is when he is drunk, but he doesnt want to do the work of being sober to not be the asshole. Cutting down on his beer is his only choice he takes, which, he can maintain for a few days at a time, then its like he gets tired of being "nice" and has to take his medicine to be the nasty guy and get really bad, the next morning regrets hit him, he cleans up for a couple of days, then, back to the races....im just really tired of the roller coaster ride.
Perhaps my flying dream was a freedom, but, we always have to come down...
Last night, I was hanging around with a group of people who were teaching me how to fly, I mean, we would get in a circle, jump up into the sky and take off, we could stay up in the air for hours it was incredible. I remember the freedom of drifting around, looking below to see all the worries of the day below. No one knew about our group of people, we got together several times a week, and just had a great time. (did i dream that?) mmmmm its building as I think of it haha...
For some reason we were at a big store, like a Penny's or Montgomery Wards or something like that, not a WalMart, but a old fashioned department store. There was a big car parking lot type of area, my leader who ever she was, told me to come on out to the parking lot, she wanted us to fly in front of the people, I remember being totally exhausted from the week of flying before, and, I couldnt get up, I was too tired.
Im sure it has everything to do with my exhaustion in life im feeling right now, my dispair of not getting my life together once again.
I had it all planned, I would get this house ready for sell, move to missouri and start over....right?
not....its totally in disarea again.
Rob is talking abut going to Florida to work on construction, it would be greta, if he could do it, with his drinking as bad as it is, I trully cant see him down there alone, and making it.
ITs a dream to get rid of him!!! and, know he could walk on his own two feet.
It is amazing to me how half of his brothers are such assholes, and the younger ones are great providers and wonderful husbands, fathers. The abuse the older ones lived thru has such a hold on them they dont function and are dependent in their lives, dependent on alcohol, drugs, women. They cant live with out a woman, but they make life so misserable for that woman they cant stay with one longer than 4 or 5 years, or, that is the story im living right now.
He is a wonderful guy when he is sober, but, he doesnt stay sober very long, 3-4 months at a time, if that long....
Since we have been together he has been in two treatment centers, a dry out center, and each time he stayed sober only short times.
I know he wants to not be the asshole he is when he is drunk, but he doesnt want to do the work of being sober to not be the asshole. Cutting down on his beer is his only choice he takes, which, he can maintain for a few days at a time, then its like he gets tired of being "nice" and has to take his medicine to be the nasty guy and get really bad, the next morning regrets hit him, he cleans up for a couple of days, then, back to the races....im just really tired of the roller coaster ride.
Perhaps my flying dream was a freedom, but, we always have to come down...
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
the promise.....
Dearest Briana
Im so sorry I have caused you to be so upset with me.
Im also I havent been the mom you wanted or needed.
I have only been able to be me, the way i know to be.
I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be all of my life
and, when i cant do it, i have run, i have had to get away to become ME!
I loved being in Wichita, but, I missed you, it seemed we didnt get together much, I wasnt what you wanted me to be, by going to church, and so we couldnt just do mother and daughter things.
I appologize we missed that time together.
I couldnt be the wife your dad wanted, to sit in the hot sun weekend after weekend, and drink the day away, and jump into bed with him every chance he wanted.(sorry dont mean to give more info than you want), and then not be talked to and loved emotionally....i had to get away....
I couldnt be the daughter Grandma and Granpa wanted, so I had to get away, by getting married, back then, girls didnt move out and live alone, that is why I gave you your chance to live out on your own, i knew you needed that time away....
Im sorry you were so lonely in Wichita when you moved there alone, I had never lived alone at that time, so, I didnt reallize how lonely it can get, but, I learned after leaving Mark.....living in newton, with only him, and Grandpa after Grandma died....
I couldnt be wife, or daughter, i had to run away.....to wichita....where i wasnt a mom.....
but, i was learning alittle about me....
i couldnt be the employee the travel agent wanted, and, i was too defeated to find a decent travel agency job, so walked away from what i wanted to do, but felt not ready for it....
no self confidence....
I loved my job with the body shop, and when he layed me off, i was so depressed, but, kept trying to make do....
Today you made me feel like all my life changes have been my fault, and i have taken the blame for years, for feeling guilty of not being able to "relate" to people, but, its not that, i havent ever felt accepted to be who i am....
no one ever asks, nor ever really means it when they say "how you doing?"
They dont care, and dont really want to know.
I have no one to talk to, and no one to share those misserable feelings with.
Galen and Debbie are always too busy, I know, one is supposed to go to church, read the bible, to find the answers, but, when i go sunday after sunday and dont have answers....
i guess maybe im too impatient, and go off on my own search, altho, Galen gave us councel in the emu's, my divorce, and my move to wichita.....
so...was i totally wrong?
just because id ont go to your church? is your church the only church?
There is a reason why I was sent off on my mission
and, there is a reason why i have been brought back to newton, i just have to figure out how to live here and not go totally nuts!!!!!
I CANT LIVE HERE.....emotionally, and spiritually, but, i have also promised I wont go until I hear where I am to go...from God, and no one else.....
I will promise that to you...
which means, i maybe here the rest of my life or, Lord willing, he will alow me to leave, and live to enjoy it.....
but, you have to be there for me, i cant go it alone anylonger....
Love Mom
Im so sorry I have caused you to be so upset with me.
Im also I havent been the mom you wanted or needed.
I have only been able to be me, the way i know to be.
I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be all of my life
and, when i cant do it, i have run, i have had to get away to become ME!
I loved being in Wichita, but, I missed you, it seemed we didnt get together much, I wasnt what you wanted me to be, by going to church, and so we couldnt just do mother and daughter things.
I appologize we missed that time together.
I couldnt be the wife your dad wanted, to sit in the hot sun weekend after weekend, and drink the day away, and jump into bed with him every chance he wanted.(sorry dont mean to give more info than you want), and then not be talked to and loved emotionally....i had to get away....
I couldnt be the daughter Grandma and Granpa wanted, so I had to get away, by getting married, back then, girls didnt move out and live alone, that is why I gave you your chance to live out on your own, i knew you needed that time away....
Im sorry you were so lonely in Wichita when you moved there alone, I had never lived alone at that time, so, I didnt reallize how lonely it can get, but, I learned after leaving Mark.....living in newton, with only him, and Grandpa after Grandma died....
I couldnt be wife, or daughter, i had to run away.....to wichita....where i wasnt a mom.....
but, i was learning alittle about me....
i couldnt be the employee the travel agent wanted, and, i was too defeated to find a decent travel agency job, so walked away from what i wanted to do, but felt not ready for it....
no self confidence....
I loved my job with the body shop, and when he layed me off, i was so depressed, but, kept trying to make do....
Today you made me feel like all my life changes have been my fault, and i have taken the blame for years, for feeling guilty of not being able to "relate" to people, but, its not that, i havent ever felt accepted to be who i am....
no one ever asks, nor ever really means it when they say "how you doing?"
They dont care, and dont really want to know.
I have no one to talk to, and no one to share those misserable feelings with.
Galen and Debbie are always too busy, I know, one is supposed to go to church, read the bible, to find the answers, but, when i go sunday after sunday and dont have answers....
i guess maybe im too impatient, and go off on my own search, altho, Galen gave us councel in the emu's, my divorce, and my move to wichita.....
so...was i totally wrong?
just because id ont go to your church? is your church the only church?
There is a reason why I was sent off on my mission
and, there is a reason why i have been brought back to newton, i just have to figure out how to live here and not go totally nuts!!!!!
I CANT LIVE HERE.....emotionally, and spiritually, but, i have also promised I wont go until I hear where I am to go...from God, and no one else.....
I will promise that to you...
which means, i maybe here the rest of my life or, Lord willing, he will alow me to leave, and live to enjoy it.....
but, you have to be there for me, i cant go it alone anylonger....
Love Mom
I dont get much email anymore, and, havent been sending out much
seems after i sent email to people asking to change my address, or, after i told them we closed the bbq, they quit writing,
so, i sit watch tv, work on house, try to figure out how to live in newton and not go totally nuts....or, die first!
I cant go to florida with Rob, its too far, and i wont go that far with him as long as he is drinking...
he cant quit here, i dont know what makes me think he will quit there, and, i dont see him making it in florida alone...
obviously, he doesnt care if im out of the picture, this morning he was all for going alone to florida, knowing his drinking will get in the way if he doesnt stop....what does he do tonight? drink a case....
sounds like a fucking plan to me doesnt it to you
I cant deal with him, and have told him, i wont go to florida, or missouir with him, since he prefers to be drunk instead of living life, i dont intend on living my life sitting at home watching tv day in and day out because he has to be home getting drunk.
Newton has nothing we like to do so we sit at home.
I just got done ranting and raving my heart out to him, telling him the reason i want to leave newton is because people are always telling me im wrong, no one ever encourages me to do well, they sit back and watch me distroy my life, telling me to get rid of rob, but, not being there for me if i do.
I have st ood up for him telling them he is a wonderful man, he has treated me great except when he gets drunk ,then he treats me worse than anyone ever has....
I know they would not be there for me if he did leave. I know, they werent there for me when i left mark, and they had encouraged me to stay with him.
Now, he is upset because people know he is a drunk....like he actually thought he had hid it that well?
GEEEZ!@!@#(&$(*@)
I ordered a little mini cam, its supposed to make little mpg movies....oh will he be surprised!
I really think if he could see himself as a drunk he would clean up real fast, its my last hope....if that doesnt work, then he is forsure gone...
Peggy, I have loved him as much as i can, i have given him everything i know to give,but he wants more, he wants different, always allows me to feel guilty for not loosing weight by saying things like, i have a fat womans complex, that i feel so inferiour because of my weight, and that i would have more friends if i wasnt fat!if they cant like me the way i am FUCK ALL OF THEM!
I have never fit into the round hole, being the square peg, but, actually, i think this town is a town full of dead people...who are too afraid to live, because living means having some immoralities in your life...
i cant imagine going thru life, being on that fucking farm, day in and day out, for over 35 years!
watching tv, working everyday, and never going anywhere ......
except, now, with his wife, he learned to take vacations, after ME!!!!!
because I told him that was one reason I was leaving him, because he never wanted to go anywhere on a vacation except Tractor pulling (boy that was real fun!)
the only fun i had was playing lust tag with one of the other tractor pullers, and getting drunk!
I hated sitting in the dirt, getting sunburned every weekend!
My life has been hell, but, at least i have had experiences....i have had some fun, some things i shouldnt have done, and sold my soul,
seems after i sent email to people asking to change my address, or, after i told them we closed the bbq, they quit writing,
so, i sit watch tv, work on house, try to figure out how to live in newton and not go totally nuts....or, die first!
I cant go to florida with Rob, its too far, and i wont go that far with him as long as he is drinking...
he cant quit here, i dont know what makes me think he will quit there, and, i dont see him making it in florida alone...
obviously, he doesnt care if im out of the picture, this morning he was all for going alone to florida, knowing his drinking will get in the way if he doesnt stop....what does he do tonight? drink a case....
sounds like a fucking plan to me doesnt it to you
I cant deal with him, and have told him, i wont go to florida, or missouir with him, since he prefers to be drunk instead of living life, i dont intend on living my life sitting at home watching tv day in and day out because he has to be home getting drunk.
Newton has nothing we like to do so we sit at home.
I just got done ranting and raving my heart out to him, telling him the reason i want to leave newton is because people are always telling me im wrong, no one ever encourages me to do well, they sit back and watch me distroy my life, telling me to get rid of rob, but, not being there for me if i do.
I have st ood up for him telling them he is a wonderful man, he has treated me great except when he gets drunk ,then he treats me worse than anyone ever has....
I know they would not be there for me if he did leave. I know, they werent there for me when i left mark, and they had encouraged me to stay with him.
Now, he is upset because people know he is a drunk....like he actually thought he had hid it that well?
GEEEZ!@!@#(&$(*@)
I ordered a little mini cam, its supposed to make little mpg movies....oh will he be surprised!
I really think if he could see himself as a drunk he would clean up real fast, its my last hope....if that doesnt work, then he is forsure gone...
Peggy, I have loved him as much as i can, i have given him everything i know to give,but he wants more, he wants different, always allows me to feel guilty for not loosing weight by saying things like, i have a fat womans complex, that i feel so inferiour because of my weight, and that i would have more friends if i wasnt fat!if they cant like me the way i am FUCK ALL OF THEM!
I have never fit into the round hole, being the square peg, but, actually, i think this town is a town full of dead people...who are too afraid to live, because living means having some immoralities in your life...
i cant imagine going thru life, being on that fucking farm, day in and day out, for over 35 years!
watching tv, working everyday, and never going anywhere ......
except, now, with his wife, he learned to take vacations, after ME!!!!!
because I told him that was one reason I was leaving him, because he never wanted to go anywhere on a vacation except Tractor pulling (boy that was real fun!)
the only fun i had was playing lust tag with one of the other tractor pullers, and getting drunk!
I hated sitting in the dirt, getting sunburned every weekend!
My life has been hell, but, at least i have had experiences....i have had some fun, some things i shouldnt have done, and sold my soul,
its going to happen, one way or the other, but promises are made, to keep....
I know about your computer, been there had same problems, and know the frustration!
and as you said, I wasnt meaning you....
It just hurts that my whole email llist just quit.....some of these people i have had on list for 5-7 years...
I guess when I told them i was moving AGAIN...they figure, geeeez, there she goes again....
I am so tired of starting over again, but, damnit, i refuse to die here!!!! I promised my daughter last night I wont leave until I feel God has shown me where I need to go next....
she doesnt think I walk in Gods will, but, believe me, i never make a move until I have total peace about moving....
each move has taken mme on a journey and, each move has had something to teach me, Im just stupid sometimes, at learning that im supposed to learn.
One thing I have learned here tho, I am not a part of newton no matter how much I try....
the scripture always comes to my mind, about walking away and letting the dirt fall from my feet, not to look back.....
We are going to paint the bathroom...i picked a earthtone mauve color, I sure hope it isnt TOO PINK!!!!
it was pretty on the paint chip.....
and as you said, I wasnt meaning you....
It just hurts that my whole email llist just quit.....some of these people i have had on list for 5-7 years...
I guess when I told them i was moving AGAIN...they figure, geeeez, there she goes again....
I am so tired of starting over again, but, damnit, i refuse to die here!!!! I promised my daughter last night I wont leave until I feel God has shown me where I need to go next....
she doesnt think I walk in Gods will, but, believe me, i never make a move until I have total peace about moving....
each move has taken mme on a journey and, each move has had something to teach me, Im just stupid sometimes, at learning that im supposed to learn.
One thing I have learned here tho, I am not a part of newton no matter how much I try....
the scripture always comes to my mind, about walking away and letting the dirt fall from my feet, not to look back.....
We are going to paint the bathroom...i picked a earthtone mauve color, I sure hope it isnt TOO PINK!!!!
it was pretty on the paint chip.....
waves taking me clear out there......
I cant say that Rick was ever a bad husband he just didnt know how to be a GREAT one...
even now, we talk, when we are all together as "family" for Briana's functions she invites us to, and they have come to some of our BBQ functions like steak night etc....our relationship is the same now as it was then, only difference, he goes home to his big fat blonde wife instead of me.....she is a natural blonde, and, when we got divorced he thru it at me that he should have known i wasnt what he wanted in a wife when he found out I colored my hair!
(I had always been a blonde until highschool, my hair turned dark, so, i bleached it...) HE didnt know till we had been married two years! I didnt even think about it being a problem! till he turned on me with his remark....
but he has a real blonde now.....
she is a really nice person,(now) but, was told by one of his tractor pulling buddies, he sure didnt see what Rick saw in her she sure wasnt eye candy!
When they got together she was the bitch from hell, and, I will always be sorry my kids had to go thru that.....she said in front of the kids (10 & 6) Im getting a tubaligation we have two too many brats in this house the way it is!!!!
she proceded to get rid of all of my kids toys, and baby furniture, etc....with out asking them!
It was several years after the fact that my daughter told me all of that....i felt so bad for my kids....
then, my kids had to grow up with a drunk passing out on the front room floor....never wanting to bring their friends home....
Briana told me yesterday she will not let jessica stay all night, nor will Jessica ever come to missouri to stay a week if Rob is in my life.....as long as he is drinking....
so......I wont ever tell that to rob, and please dont mention it to him....
I chose Mark *My second * over what Briana said as a 10 year old(mom please dont marry mark he is an asshole) coming from her, I should have listened, she has amazing wisdom, even as a child she knew clear passages.....
I on the other hand always take the more adventuresome roads....haha....
she likes safety.....being grounded in a good church....which she found when she was living in Wichita, alone and lonely....Im glad for that, but, she sure changed personality, from being care free and fun, to being a stiff necked stuffy religious morality checking Christian.
Not that I Love her anyless, she just isnt as much fun!!!!
She did tell me yesterday she admires me for my sence of adventure, but, "mom, your getting too old for that lifestyle" I know she is right, i need to find a decent job and get some social security built up, but, shit......nothing ever works out for me!
SO...i just keep riding the waves.....only thing is, the waves are taking me out to pretty deep waters anymore.....pretty soon there wont be any turning back....
even now, we talk, when we are all together as "family" for Briana's functions she invites us to, and they have come to some of our BBQ functions like steak night etc....our relationship is the same now as it was then, only difference, he goes home to his big fat blonde wife instead of me.....she is a natural blonde, and, when we got divorced he thru it at me that he should have known i wasnt what he wanted in a wife when he found out I colored my hair!
(I had always been a blonde until highschool, my hair turned dark, so, i bleached it...) HE didnt know till we had been married two years! I didnt even think about it being a problem! till he turned on me with his remark....
but he has a real blonde now.....
she is a really nice person,(now) but, was told by one of his tractor pulling buddies, he sure didnt see what Rick saw in her she sure wasnt eye candy!
When they got together she was the bitch from hell, and, I will always be sorry my kids had to go thru that.....she said in front of the kids (10 & 6) Im getting a tubaligation we have two too many brats in this house the way it is!!!!
she proceded to get rid of all of my kids toys, and baby furniture, etc....with out asking them!
It was several years after the fact that my daughter told me all of that....i felt so bad for my kids....
then, my kids had to grow up with a drunk passing out on the front room floor....never wanting to bring their friends home....
Briana told me yesterday she will not let jessica stay all night, nor will Jessica ever come to missouri to stay a week if Rob is in my life.....as long as he is drinking....
so......I wont ever tell that to rob, and please dont mention it to him....
I chose Mark *My second * over what Briana said as a 10 year old(mom please dont marry mark he is an asshole) coming from her, I should have listened, she has amazing wisdom, even as a child she knew clear passages.....
I on the other hand always take the more adventuresome roads....haha....
she likes safety.....being grounded in a good church....which she found when she was living in Wichita, alone and lonely....Im glad for that, but, she sure changed personality, from being care free and fun, to being a stiff necked stuffy religious morality checking Christian.
Not that I Love her anyless, she just isnt as much fun!!!!
She did tell me yesterday she admires me for my sence of adventure, but, "mom, your getting too old for that lifestyle" I know she is right, i need to find a decent job and get some social security built up, but, shit......nothing ever works out for me!
SO...i just keep riding the waves.....only thing is, the waves are taking me out to pretty deep waters anymore.....pretty soon there wont be any turning back....
Monday, October 11, 2004
day in and day out
Which will it be, my life is taking a turn again, one that will totally change everything, my location, my belongings, my finances, my climate, every bit of me will be changed, except inside....and at 52, i still dont know who i am, or why im here.
My life has been so fucked up for so long, I dont even know where I am most of the time, let alone why im there!
I try to be aware of my surroundings of people around me, and how I can make a difference in their life, but, I have been hurt so many times, and let down by others, it is difficult for me to reach out anylonger.
Everytime I try, there is a road block, the phone is busy, or, they dont have time for me.
Even the minister, whom I tried to talk to didnt have time to talk, where do i fit in?
How do i find help, or even be able to help those around me when im such a fucked up mess?
Writing my thoughts here is about as much as I can get from anyone...dead silence.
I need to find some answers but where do i look?
How do I find those inner most thoughts that will guide me in the right direction?
I do not exist, I do not mean anything to anyone, except maybe my kids, and hopefully my partner, but, since he is drunk 98% of the time, I dont even know where I stand with him.
How do people have lives that work for them?
I have been a slave to my life, and it hasnt worked, everything i have done has failed.
Except, my kids, they are both great, and doing great!
Nurse and a plumber, and a granddaughter!
oh, life goes on, or does it....everyone walks around like they are dead because they are afraid to walk forward, afraid to live....when we allow morality to drown life, we leave alot unlived.....i want to LIVE...im so tired of walking around in the land of the living dead!
My life has been so fucked up for so long, I dont even know where I am most of the time, let alone why im there!
I try to be aware of my surroundings of people around me, and how I can make a difference in their life, but, I have been hurt so many times, and let down by others, it is difficult for me to reach out anylonger.
Everytime I try, there is a road block, the phone is busy, or, they dont have time for me.
Even the minister, whom I tried to talk to didnt have time to talk, where do i fit in?
How do i find help, or even be able to help those around me when im such a fucked up mess?
Writing my thoughts here is about as much as I can get from anyone...dead silence.
I need to find some answers but where do i look?
How do I find those inner most thoughts that will guide me in the right direction?
I do not exist, I do not mean anything to anyone, except maybe my kids, and hopefully my partner, but, since he is drunk 98% of the time, I dont even know where I stand with him.
How do people have lives that work for them?
I have been a slave to my life, and it hasnt worked, everything i have done has failed.
Except, my kids, they are both great, and doing great!
Nurse and a plumber, and a granddaughter!
oh, life goes on, or does it....everyone walks around like they are dead because they are afraid to walk forward, afraid to live....when we allow morality to drown life, we leave alot unlived.....i want to LIVE...im so tired of walking around in the land of the living dead!
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