the promise.....

Dearest Briana
Im so sorry I have caused you to be so upset with me.
Im also I havent been the mom you wanted or needed.
I have only been able to be me, the way i know to be.
I have tried to be what everyone wants me to be all of my life
and, when i cant do it, i have run, i have had to get away to become ME!
I loved being in Wichita, but, I missed you, it seemed we didnt get together much, I wasnt what you wanted me to be, by going to church, and so we couldnt just do mother and daughter things.
I appologize we missed that time together.

I couldnt be the wife your dad wanted, to sit in the hot sun weekend after weekend, and drink the day away, and jump into bed with him every chance he wanted.(sorry dont mean to give more info than you want), and then not be talked to and loved emotionally....i had to get away....

I couldnt be the daughter Grandma and Granpa wanted, so I had to get away, by getting married, back then, girls didnt move out and live alone, that is why I gave you your chance to live out on your own, i knew you needed that time away....

Im sorry you were so lonely in Wichita when you moved there alone, I had never lived alone at that time, so, I didnt reallize how lonely it can get, but, I learned after leaving Mark.....living in newton, with only him, and Grandpa after Grandma died....
I couldnt be wife, or daughter, i had to run away.....to wichita....where i wasnt a mom.....
but, i was learning alittle about me....
i couldnt be the employee the travel agent wanted, and, i was too defeated to find a decent travel agency job, so walked away from what i wanted to do, but felt not ready for it....
no self confidence....
I loved my job with the body shop, and when he layed me off, i was so depressed, but, kept trying to make do....
Today you made me feel like all my life changes have been my fault, and i have taken the blame for years, for feeling guilty of not being able to "relate" to people, but, its not that, i havent ever felt accepted to be who i am....
no one ever asks, nor ever really means it when they say "how you doing?"
They dont care, and dont really want to know.
I have no one to talk to, and no one to share those misserable feelings with.
Galen and Debbie are always too busy, I know, one is supposed to go to church, read the bible, to find the answers, but, when i go sunday after sunday and dont have answers....
i guess maybe im too impatient, and go off on my own search, altho, Galen gave us councel in the emu's, my divorce, and my move to wichita.....
so...was i totally wrong?
just because id ont go to your church? is your church the only church?

There is a reason why I was sent off on my mission
and, there is a reason why i have been brought back to newton, i just have to figure out how to live here and not go totally nuts!!!!!
I CANT LIVE HERE.....emotionally, and spiritually, but, i have also promised I wont go until I hear where I am to go...from God, and no one else.....
I will promise that to you...
which means, i maybe here the rest of my life or, Lord willing, he will alow me to leave, and live to enjoy it.....
but, you have to be there for me, i cant go it alone anylonger....
Love Mom