arms of an angel

It would feel so good to climb up into the arms of an angel, allow them to hold me, let me listen to their heart beat, feel safe, feel loved....again....
being so far from the love of anyone is the loneliest place to be.
Oh to be loved again...
or, have i ever really even been loved?
I know I have loved, but, Im not sure they loved me back, it was more of availability, someone to be with, someone to fill that need at the time.
When I see a couple together and they are truly in love, I think, wow, what a blessing to have a real love from both sides of the party.

I would love to have a lover once again, someone to look forward to seeing, someone who looks into my eyes, tells me he cares about me, some to tell me things i have never heard before.
When a woman reaches the age i have reached we become invisable, no one looks, no one cares.
oh how i miss crawling into bed with the urge of raging sexual lust, but those days are gone, never to see them again.

To touch the chest of a man, run my fingers thru his hair on his chest.
reaching my arms around his body, feeling his biceps, feeling his loins against mine...

Tears fall from my eyes at the thought of those days being gone never to be there again.
Knowing those things are gone from my life. Knowing I will never have those feelings again...I morn my future, I cry at night, in the aloneness of my bed, hugging the pillow out of desire of missing a man on my side.

Being around 300 men yesterday brought me to the reality of my invisableness.
My inability to ever be able to have a man look at me with desire again.
As each one came thru the line to be fed, some good looking, some not, some older with weathered wrinkles in their faces, some younger with hope in their eyes, each one with a story of their own. I couldnt help but look at their hands to see if they had a ring on their married finger.
Some did, some didnt...some spoke, some just wanted their food.

Life hands us each a different cup, and, I dont understand why some of us can not figure out how to fill it, and others seem to have over flowing cups all of the time.

Since the men are all workers of the railroad, getting paid big bucks, and to hear them complain about things that were going on, I just wanted to scream at them, telling them to be thankfull for their jobs, and their lot in life...

I have entered the realms of those who dont know where the next dollar is coming from, and, it is scarier than hell!

so happy!

I know I shouldnt be gloating over this, but, im so happy....the manager of the mall where my bbq was, got fired today!!!
I have had so many hard feelings over his lack of "business" building skills, in fact he has closed every store he ever worked at, so why they hired him in, was unknown to me, other than, my business failed because of the lack of business in the mall....and, for that I will always BLAME THEM....

Something is changing in the air, i feel as tho the negative crap that has been ontop of me, is being lifted....and, I FEEL SO HAPPY for a change....

I know my past entries have been so full of negative influences, and, self pitty. I have felt so alone, and unheard.
Maybe things are going to start looking up once again.
I just hope, thru all of this, I have learned what ever it is Im supposed to learn, and wont repeat the mistakes.

ok, now, where do I go from here....guess the applications i have put out will tell....

relationships

As she was growing up, my daughter held a grudge against me because of the divorce between her dad and myself. As she has become a mom, and, wife, she just needs someone to be pissed off at.
I guess I am the one.
I wanted to have a nice fun surprise birthday party for her and my granddaughter since their birthdays are 3 days apart. I asked a cousin of mine if we could come to her farm, and see all the animals, and, then, have her daughter and her grandkids all come so we could all get "re-aquatinted" but my daughter thought that was the most horrible idea anyone could have come up with, she refused to go spend her birthday with people she didnt know.....granted it has been several years since we had seen everyone, like maybe 25 years.....so, I guess it wasnt the best idea I had ever had, but, I thought it would be fun, and it wouldnt cost a lot to do.
Boy was I wrong, and after listening to her bitch about it, she says "im sorry I dont mean to be a bitch about it but...." and I said...."yes, you are being one" and that was all I needed to say for her to turn totally off, and, I have not heard from her for over two weeks now.
I have written to her, sent her cards, and, messages....but, not one word from her.
I dont know what more to do, she has to take some responsibility in the fight, and, as along as she can not let go fo her anger in my part of the divorce, 30 years ago....she will never be a happy person.
I cant make her happy, and no one else can....she has started taking anti depressents, I just hope they help.


I dont know what to do, and, for some reason cant feel the pain of her loss, I should feel something but I dont.
I want to call her, but, dont want to hear the anger in her voice, and dont want to face the rejection of yet another person in my life.

Why cant I just get along with people.....my partner says Im a control freak, but, I dont see it....
mainly cuz he says it when he is drunk...if he told me while he is sober, it would be easier to believe.

how do i make up with her, I have never had a fight like this before....

still no job

its been almost 10 months since closing the bbq, and we still have no real reliable income.
I guess this is the ultimate test of God, my faith, pushing me to the edge of the cliff and watching me squirm...
I have a difficult time believing God is a puppeteer with strings on our lives directing us in his pleasures to see what we do when things get really tough.

I just wish I could see, could have some insight to what is going on in this situation.
The most bizarre things happen with job interviews, people end up with having to be out of office because of deaths, ceo's of companies show up, so they cant make a decision when they tell us they were going to, then, we never hear back, adds are in the paper for 2 months but yet we send resume after resume, and when we call they tell us they are being "very carefull" at who they hire, i mean good fucking greif we are not serial killers or anything!

I have always tried to be a good person, tried to help others in need, tried to be the person who could be relied on, good work ethics, it pisses me off so much I go into a store and those snot nose kids are rude, cant even say thank you, and they get the jobs!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR AFUCKING LIVING?

desperate people do desperate things, am I being tested to see how fucking desperate I can get?

ok, so now what, boy do I say that alot...

some days, I just guess life is not supposed to make sense!

If we dont walk the straight and narrow lane, is life not supposed to be an adventure?
are we not supposed to live life to the fullest?
does that not mean, we will make mistakes, we will do bad things, we will not always know how to fix what we fucked up?

BUT<>

some people learn earlier in life....
some people do right most of their life....
I remember the struggle I had with my first adulterous adventure....
I knew it was wrong, but, I couldlnt live in what was supposed to be blessed by God, and family and friends.....
I did what I thought I was supposed to do, I went to minister, I went to councelor, I went to husband, I did not go to family, or friends, altho, friends knew I was in trouble, having problems making my life feel right in marrage.

divorce was not as acceptable back then, but, my grandparents died, and i felt more freedom to get divorced.
I prayed for an open door, a way out, the money came in, the doors were open, a place to live was provided, and, it was ok to leave.

Things happened too fast, so smooth, and the children were hurt as minorly as possible, altho, there was pain for our children, but, I can only hope it was the least amount of hurt...I never wanted to hurt them.
I just new I couldnt live the lie anylonger.

that was 1969-1981.
our friends where his friends, so, no one followed along with me, and my friends have all been spuratic, and short termed.
so, im alone.....
and no one really knows how alone.
If I dont call someone, no one ever calls me. I have finally quit calling....
if they dont want to talk to me, then fine....i can remember my mom going thru that....and she had two sisters to call everyday.....they all talked at least once a day, even if just a few minutes...

Its ok....I will make it, im strong, but, its been difficult....
but, the thing I miss most is laughing....
no one in this town has a sense of humor....


welp, i guess its over for the night
short winded tonight....
maybe the world will end soon....
2012 has been a projected date....not far from now....

BTK biggest man hunt in Kansas

BTK killer, confesses to 10 homisides, video taped confession exsists.
he had an 11th victim picked out, but its not sure if he would have followed thru.

PJ Wyatt was not a part of it, only her class.

Rader, something not right about this whole thing....
extensive coverage seems to be bringing out more and more, but, i thought last winter they said they didnt have any clues from things such as responses from news paper adds, subliminal tv shots, survalence camera caught him delivering a message, wouldnt he be smart enough not to give himself up that way?
guess he wasnt as smart as he thought he was.

when did communication fall short?

nile was changed, but is never talked about in history channel shows about Egypt

are they looking in the wrong places?

they moved the statues, and historical sites, and buried others.....with water.......


I wanted to be an archeologist when i was in gradeschool, but, never thought i would go to egypt so why study what i didnt see a vision of hope for?

I lost hope in life, I lost site of a vision, I allowed man to get in my way
Rick cawthorne was my first knowledge of other races....boys.....
I remember going home to my mom and telling her about Rick and guess what?
he is a boy!
Damn, I dont remember her responce......I wish I could.....


When or why did I shut out her voice?
because she wasnt mine?
because we spoke different tones?
because our frequency wasnt the same?
because our voices didnt speak the same language?

lost babies

I used to collect baby pictures I found in antique stores, I guess since I was lost, I wanted to give them a home

but, I know this baby.....

Elizabeth Wilmina Bergen Shepherd 

cant even remember

I cant even remember what I write from time to time, life has taken on such a nul and void exisitence.
I love to read the postings on postsecrets it is so deep, and so many hurting people have sent in their secrets.

I have wondered what my secret would be, my whole life has been a secret, so, how would i put it down on just one little post card?

no one knew about me when I was born, except my mother. Her husband at the time didnt want to know about me because I wasnt his.....so...she gave me up for adoption. Her mother didnt even know she was pregnant....when I asked her sisters how that could be, they said, "because we werent a close family" We didnt see each other much. But, my mother lived only a short ways from her mother....like just maybe across town....
My bio mother died when she was 35, and had already had 7-8 kids...maybe more...who knows....
Her life was a tragic one, with so much pain, but, yet, no one can really tells us about it, everyone is either dead, or, wanted to keep the secrets.....
"its better to keep those things quiet" was what her sister told me when I found her and asked questions.
Now she is dead too, so, those secrets went to the grave.
She did tell me that my mother was pregnant with the same person she was pregnant with at the same time, but she had an abortion, but she wouldnt tell me who my BIO father was.
My uncle told me if he had the chance he would shoot my BIO father for what he did to my mom, guess he wasnt happy I was born huh....
but he wouldnt tell me what he did, other than give me life....

Being adopted I had always been told I was special, so, I guess I believed my adoptive mom when she told me I was special.
Being born on 7752, I always thought that meant something....special....
so, figured my 52 birthday year would be special, but it wsa HELL ....so.....now I have to hope my 53 year starts something special, cuz, I sure dont want more hell.......

At least I got a hurricane named after me....well, she didnt get full steam, so, she only ended up being
a tropical storm, but it had my name.....CINDY......I think I said that yesterday tho didnt i....
am I loosing it or what?

yup, it used to be different

when i first had my freedom, i had moved to the biggest town in Kansas, and I LOVED IT.
I could go out when ever I wanted, I could be with whom I wanted, and I could stay up as late as I wanted.
NO ONE CARED!

No one judged me and I didnt expect anyone to care, or notice me, I was invisible, and, it was ok.

but, now, Im back to my home town, and, see people I know, and most of the time they ignore me, or a general "hello" they say "hi, how ya doing?" but never care or want to spend the time to really listen.

When I left for the small town usa adventure, and opened my own business, I left that freedom of male friends, and dating, and doing as I pleased once again, but, became a slave to the business.
It was more than what I could handle physically. There was no one there that came to my rescue, except, friends who wanted to sit and talk, while i had to work, after work, I was so tired and they never invited me over anyway.
I was totally alone, me and my computer.
I had online friends, but, not many who chatted at the time of night when i had time. So I lost a lot of my online friends.
Now, I am home alot and have no one to talk to, my partner and I have built such huge walls around our hearts, we dont talk to each other much. I struck out tonight and told him that at least when I didnt have him around, I had my internet men, dates and a life!

hurricane Cindy

Well it seems fitting that on the day of my 53 birthday they came out with Hurricane Cindy, altho, she was down graded to a tropical storm, just never got full blown status.
I always thought since I had a birthdate of 7752, my 52 year would be a great year, but it was the year from hell.....so...hopefully the tropical storm blew out all the shit, and, year 53 will be the start of something GREAT.....

52 years of slavery

I will turn 53 in two more days.
Who gives a shit, who cares...my life has been so full, and rich, and, full of struggle, but, no one has taken a ride with me, they are all gone.
Those who are around me now, are non respondent to my needs, and, I find it more and more difficult to communicate with those around me.
What am I supposed to do?

I can only hope partner lands a job this week, his brother is finally leaving tomorrow, or, supposed to..
we were able to get him into a group house project, im hoping it will help him, I sure cant. He is over stayed his welcome now and it is just time for him to move on.
Altho, I dontk now how we will afford him not paying rent anylonger.

I dont want to sound ungratefull for him staying as long has he did but, too much togetherness, is not good for those who dont have a relationship...
How do people do it?

I cant even live with husbands more than 13 years!

Will I make it past that time with partner?
he hasnt ever lived with anyone, wife, or girlfriend longr than 6 years...is it because they finaly kick him out, or he leaves?
wonder what the real truth is....

i know he lies to me all the time, even tho it has taken me this long to see it....
how will i continue living with him, how can i make it better, or get out...cuz i cant stand it the way it is now...

he sure isnt helping me pay bills, that is forsure....

HELPPPPPPP