so sad today

my partner is gone, i had to kick him out, and it was only by the grace of God that
he does not have to live on the streets. I have prayed for his addictions to be healed, for his soul to be comforted, and for his life to be changed.
I cannot do anything more.
There is nothing i can do for him, he has lied to me, cheated on me, given me false hopes over and over, and stolen from me for the last time.
I miss him terribly tho, was i that desperate for friendship, to allow him to treat me like shit
and, now, my ex, is doing worse to me....
When he told me he had no place to live. I knew my partner was going to be leaving.
I knew my life was going to change, i also knew i didnt have a job to support me. I cannot make enough money to keep bills paid while living alone.

I have never been totally alone, with out money, with out friends, and with out
parents, i was so looking forward to having ex move in, just for the company...
and, yes, hopeful repair of our marriage which ended 10 years ago.
Not that i wanted to be married to him again, just wanted to learn to be his friend.

My own son wont even call me, i have tried to call him, leave messages, texting, nothing works.
AM I THIS TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND?


I Dont want to feel sorry for myself, no one else does....
i want to be care free and fun, but
i have ended up with everyone elses burdens, and no place to dump mine...
They say give your burdens to Jesus....
but, he just keeps giving me more......

the ex is NOT such a looser, he just doesnt care about material things
he is kind, and gentle and so mysterious...and so afraid to love.....

My mission in life is to teach the gift of love....
I had looked forward to being with her, for her friendship always meant so much to me, but, i find she is nothing more than a controling bitch...
and if communication is not found with her, all will be lost...
she totally defeated my love for her when she told me she never liked my dad and the only reason they were in his life was because of mother...

She let go one of her care workers because she said she couldnt stand to see her
called her a threehundred pound cow.
This woman, i had always looked up to, a "good Christian woman" is so full of hate, and bitterness towards who?

She should be happy, and blessed at how her life has been.
She has had everything she ever wanted, and beautiful grandchildren, and she doesnt even what to see them or know them...my mother died before she got to see a great grandchild, she would have loved to see them.
She loved me so much, and gave me so little...
oh how i wish i could say, allthe things i learned from her, but...i cant...
i learned not to be mad, because dogs get mad....
Why didnt she teach me how to not be mad?
how to forgive.....
but she did....just not in words....
she told me the story of how her father inlaw, my grandfather, tried to kill her....
pushed her off of the hayloft when she was pregnant....

how, did she forgive him?

and i never asked questions...

the lady i take care of, told me she didnt want to go to church with her children today because her hair was so awful, and, she didnt want to be seen that way....
how horrible!!!
Yes she is recouperating, and wasnt sure she had the strength to get into church or not, but, she has a wheel chair, and she is too proud to be seen in it, or with her hair undone!

How full of pride can a "good christian woman" be?

The ex was supposed to come over today, to talk about his stuff being here, and his inablitiy of holding down a job, and his inability of being capable of getting his life back on track! of course he isnt going to show up....
he would rather show up if i was just going to spread the ole legs...which, i did
out of need, lust, want to see if it was till there, and yup it is!
he wasnt hard, i wasnt thin, but, we still got it on and it was good!

I didnt want to lie about it, but, wasnt sure how parner would take it, but, he got fucked up anyway, so....he showed me he really isnt ready to quit....
gave me the freedom of being disapointed when he doesnt come home in a year...
I would love to think he would come back, and be the new man he left to become, but
unless he truly has a change of spirituality, he will not be back the new man.
i have accepted that, and, i have not had the new spiritual life
the change of heart, the dealings with life, that can make me a new person....
i have had good, bad, and ugly, and, still dont know how to cope with it.
The pain is unbearable, so heavy, i cry out to God, and, dont hear back....
what is wrong with me?

Am i full of shit, is there not a real life change of life, that the
ministers preach about?

The saddest day

for 7 1/2 years i have been pushing for my partner to get clean and sober, and he just keeps getting more stupid. Doing the most idiodic things when he drinks.
I have finally had enuogh. I told him he could not live in my home anylonger.
I have given him, chance after chance, and im done!

I had told him he had to go to the homeless shelter in Salina, but he found a program in Bellingham, so, he is now, in Bellingham. I am trying to fight off anger...
anger that, i have had to quit the job i love, to take on a full time job i dont know if i will even like.
anger that he gets to take yet another "vacation" away from responsiblitiy and
paying bills, to "get sober"
I am glad that he gets to be with his son, whom he left years ago, and they have forgiven him, it is a new start for him, i cannot let my anger over run the joy of his new beginning. It just does not seem fair...

what have i done to have to carry the bills, and try to keep things afloat.
The plan was to have the ex stay with me, but he has not been here for 2 weeks.
I had hoped it was just the fact that partner was still in the house, but, tomorrow we will see. He said he would come and talk things over.
I just hope i can keep my mind, and not get so stupid when we try to talk.
He always seems to twist things around to make me feel as tho its all my fault.
I just want him to grow up, and become the person i know he can be.
I cannot make him change, but, i dont have to allow him to live here when he is
doing stupid things, just like rob!
im done giving place to live to those who are not trying to grow up and becoming
responsible adults.

I can only hope! & PRAY

the GREATEST PAIN

I so clearly understand the hourglass of time
each day slowly slipping thru the fingers, and never really clearly seeing the reason of each day, never having acknowledgement of living
never seeing clearly the blueness of the sky
each day full of pain, each day, the soul slipping away
each day another full of grace
not realizing the mercy we receive
for not living each day to the fullest, for one reason or another
How can I, help YOU, understand, the reasons for our pain are not found in the medical society
but the society of self awareness
feeling the life draining away
How can you, help, me, undertand, the reasons of our pain are not found in the science society,
but the society of life inscripted into ones mind
the horns have been blown for those to find that life
for the days are numbered and one will never know
unless one goes to find that LIFE
which was brought forward unto
those who were chosen

to not know, why one is chosen is the greatest pain of all time, to never hear the fathers voice, say, well done my good and loyal child
….is…the greatest pain…..

and I do not want to die before I have made my mark in life

I have tried so hard to shine
only to feel tarnished and broken

I have tried so many times to find my sanity
to find my soul
to find my one true passion
I have not succeeded
and I am so afraid I will run out of time
before having the chance to do so

I have to answer my deepest desire before I die
or, I will have lived a life unfullfilled

I will have lived a life, not worth the space in time
I will have lived my life with out dots inbetween...1952-????
Are we not to live a life worth imortality?
Are we not to live a life which will send us on to the farthest reach of time into eternity?
Are we not supposed to become the spirit of time, the sand of life, the salt of the earth?

How in the world did i get here!

For 7 years I have been living with a business partner, who, for all practical purposes, lived off of me. Being an alcoholic, he has not held a job for any length of time, and, giving his pay check to me when he got one was typical. BUT...he never stayed with a job long enough to make a big difference in our income. Some how it always seemed to come along just at the right time for the needs to be taken care of, but, there is never anything extra.

Flash forward to the point of where the Ex moves in on New Years Eve.
The feelings that have come forth, and the craziness which has come about.
Oh my goodness....
The ex and i have had so many years of push and pull, lots of giving, and little giving back...but lots of taking...
I remember when I left him, 10 years ago, I felt like the craziness was over, the roller coaster ride was done. I remember always hoping for a morsel of affection to fall my way. Always hoping for him to want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him...

Now...he comes and goes as he wishes, has a bed to sleep in, pays his share of the bills, but....nothing more.
Having the partner here makes a big difference, but, just not sure how to deal with it all. He has a "best friend" living in the next town, and spends his weekends there. He doesn't seem to remember to call when he is not coming back, and didn't seem to think it important to let me know he either quit his job, or got fired but, didn't need to be back in time to go to work.

I freaked out, calling his job, only to find out he wasn't working there any longer.
Then, ended up texting with his woman in the other town, trying to figure out where he was for 4 days. He was there, "sleeping" in a closet so she said...because there were 5 others in the apartment. Sounds like a party house to me!
I made such a fool of myself, now, how do i face him, when and if he comes back?

I hate the feelings of rejection he gives me, if he doesn't want to live here, then WHY does he stay?

If he wants to live with HER, then, why does she say he CANT STAY THERE?
then she lets him stay? Her words.. "He cannot live with me, I can not live with him" She actually lives with another man also, just as I do, so, poor Ex is really
a third wheel, but....the chemistry is still there....between us....or...at least on my end...

Now, nuff said about that, the Partner is leaving for Bellingham Washington on the 21st, I should be focusing my attention on him, instead, here I am feeling like shit because the Ex is playing in another ball field...and I have worked so hard at getting the Partner sober.....and become the man I know he can be....
We have never had chemistry, and I have been told he is not sexually atracted to me, so, I closed off those feelings along time ago.....

BUT, is that something that I see in both of these guys as, the men i WANT them to be?
or...can they be? Is it an illusion? I know they cannot change, they are way past pliable age. Only God can change them. But, I love their good qualities...
its their bad qualities I have problems with...how do I just accept it...
I just dont know the rules to the game...I dont know how to play....never have been a game player, I am just up front, and honest, and want others to be too....

The Partner is leaving to go to a homeless shelter, I have had enough of his drinking and bullshit. He has a son out there, and is going to go live in the program, the Light House, hopefully, getting him clean and sober, and, stabilized
to live and work and be able to support himself. We have talked about him coming back here, or me going there, but right now.....its just all in the air...
everything...the Partner, the Ex, and ME...how the hell did I get here, from THERE....

Cancer is like the fuel pump being clogged to our body

all that sludge creats problems with the engine, manifold, gas lines

then, everything starts going down wrong, then it just eats away the
carburator

before long, its too late to do anything about it
and the vehicle dies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was a hippy at heart when i was in school,
but thought i was sophisticated, and upper class
or, I wanted to be...
but, I wasnt, I was a low class
bimbo