If they come after me, will there be anywhere to hide?

Would it even matter?
I have been left off here, left alone, to figure this thing out they call life.
Im 52, adopted, raised by two wonderful people, who, unfortunatly wanted nothing more than a child to love, and care for. They did a wonderful job of loving me, and caring for me, but, left me defenseless in this cold, harsh place called earth.

They gave me way too much when I was a small child, then, realized their mistake as I grew into an angry young teenager, and finally giving me nothing but pain and being alone during my adulthood...

I dont know where I will end up, but, at the moment, I feel as tho Im headed for the crazy house!
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He is still looking for a job, and, yes, he came back, not with my excitement but, I cant afford to be alone financially, and, emotionally.
I know I would go totally nuts if he wasnt here, there is no one else I can turn to when things go nuts. He is part of my reason for being nuts I realize that, but, at the same time, he has been the only one who is here when i really need someone.
I feel as tho God put us together for a reason, and if being here during this time is the reason, then, so be it.
I hope you can understand, my girl friends cant, they keep hounding me to get rid of him, but, they have husbands, and dont know how difficult it it to be alone, or have forgotten, not sure ....
I have never learned to be totally alone, which is strange, since I was raised an only child... but, that was during the time tv came into our homes, and it made a wonderful baby sitter!

How many other people have their lives so screwed up because our lives were given to us, and we dont have a reality check with life?
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Nothing in life makes sense, nothing gives me pleasure, nothing communicates with me, I am so alone, and no one can understand the pain I go thru.
Except one person, or so she says...but, I think she does, because I know she has been there.
She is this really cool old boot I met back in small town, hearing her story first back in the 60's on Larry Hatterberg. She seemed so confident, and full of hope. She had her hotel, called, Rosaleas Hotel.
colored brightly, and brought forward in town to reserect new life in a dying town.
She had a vision, and a story to be told. The towns people were not ready. They were not trusting her, they didnt see her vision, and instead, between the two, town and the woman, have distroyed the town literally!
She even wrote a story of the Oaisis on the Prairie.
She has tried to hold on to the past by restoring buildings but the towns people dont see it that way.
They only see it as her distroying the town by letting buildings go un reparied, but, DUH it takes MONEY!!!
WHICH they refuse to help her raise.
She has had to survive on her little bit of social security. Her historical restoration projects is funded by donations thru a fund she put together with her grandmothers name, and a few dollars she inherited from her death. The fund is non profit, and is funded by sales of her wonderful monthly historical record of the area.
She scours the area asking questions of the old timers, recording history while it is still alive.
Her dreams have not been fullfilled, but, she has lived a horrific, and, rewarding life.
I have high admiration of her, and wrote to Larry Hatterberg and asked him to do another story on her, 30 years later. He did, and it was a good story, but, it didnt even come close to showing the hell she has been through.


Anyway, when I moved to smalltown, she was the first person who came to welcome me to town.
I drove in with a UHAUL, two guys to help me unload, and lots of high hopes of making it.....or, at least making a living, all i ever asked for was enough money to live comfortably on. When I pulled in, there were at least 20 people there to help me unload my truck, and, lots of excitement about a new business downtown Smalltown.....
I still remember her walking in and asking what was I doing to that old building, why was I moving in?
Then telling me "welcome to town, this town needs women with vision"
She was a good friend while I was there, and she helped me keep my spirits up.

I rode into town with myfull of excitement, high hopes, and dreams, $600.00 on credit card debt, and 20,000.00 in stock markets......
two years later, I drove out of town, silently, broken hearted, down spirited, $40,000.00 in credt card debt, and less than $2000.oo in stocks.
An ailing father, and a partner who was a drunk......

I tried to bring a new birth to the town by bringing a business of deli, and bbq to their town, but, I couldnt get enough business to stay alive, a series of misfortunate happenings, beyond my control, but who was controlling it?
Plus a failing health dad, brought me back to Hometown. I brought part of my business home, the part, I felt would make the best living, but, it didnt....we couldnt get enough customers to keep us alive in hometown either, and it is a larger town than small town.
We put the perfect bbq together, and tried to sell it thru an outlet mall, in the food court.
Everyone told us our food was the best, but, if that was the truth, why did we fail to survive?

The mall, fired their manager, and put in a new leasing agent, who is doing nothing to bring business to the mall, in fact it is less occupied than it was when we put our bbq in, more than 50% less!
Once again, things which happened beyond my control, but, who had control?
Why did things happen the way they did?
Why do some restraunts suck, but yet they can hit the big times, then, mine, which was wonderful, coudlnt make paydirt!!!

This is ahole nuther story, and, im getting too twisted now....

What is behind the vicious losses I took during those two years? My dad died, loss of my business, loss of all the money he left me, in less than a year it was gone......what, why, who......

Self esteem
Self worth
Self protection


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Daniel,
bodies lying in rows
bodies returned to universe
burdens of life with us but a short time
time too short, knowing life is willingly given for all of us
calls upon us to repent our sins, and make that life worthy of that gift

back to the ground of which all life was made

So say we all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Battle star gallactica