Dragon Queen

Dragon ass, queen of dead tired!

How can I learn to survive life, with being dead tired all of the time?
Life is to be lived, and enjoyed, and creative, God tells us to go out and creat, he was the creationist of all time, and, he tells us to be like him, but, damn, the lessons and the learning it takes to be like him is so difficult.
Why cant I get a hold on it?
Why has my life been so full, so rich with experience, but it is kicking me in the ass, instead of rejouvenating me?
I have no energy, no lite to keep me going, I feel as tho I am fading fast.
I a meer 52, but, feel so old, look old and frumpy, and feel as tho I might as well climb in my grave.
I feel as tho I have lived off of faith all of my life, I walked up the isle to the preacher at 10, knowing I wanted to be baptised, maybe at the time, I didnt realize what I was being baptised into, but, knowing that I wanted what ever it was that he was offering me that day. I wanted it more than anything in my life, and wanted to be loved like nothing else in my life.
My mom and dad loved me, I know they loved me because they told me so, or, at least my mom did, I think,
I dont remember unless i said it first, come to think of it, I dont remember them telling me that they loved me, in words, but, they showed me all of the time....... they gave me every material thing they possibly could, and they gave me a warm home, clean clothes, and food to eat. They gave me a home, which, my own biological mother couldnt do. I dont know enough of the story, because I have not been told the same story by anyone. I dont know the truthes of my life. With out knowing truths, nothing makes sence......
ITs so HARD to live on FAITH when, lies, and deciets and bent truths have been the only words spoken....
My adoptive family always seemed to love me, but, they have never been there for me, except if I call out to them.....never do they reach out to me....maybe feeling since my life sux so bad, they dont want to bother me?
But, it feels like they should at least call to see if i am doing ok, but, they dont....so I just keep plugging along.
When finding my bio family, they were interested in meeting me, but, interest didnt stay close ties were not built. A quick hello, and goodbye online is about all I can get anymore, and, when we do talk, its like we are all a part of different families.....because we were, none of us were raised by the same people, or branch of family.

I have always felt like an outcast.

We took a drive to the family cemetary, on the outskirts of the little town on the prairie where my great grandmother and grandfather, planted their house and family, and built a church, and became pillars of the town, not rich ones in money, but, rich in family and heritage.
Family and heritage which is something that I have always wanted, but, never recieved.
Was it because I didnt take enough of an interest?
or, was it just something that didnt materialize because I wasnt really a part of the family?
or, wasnt all that interested ? No, that isnt it, because family history was always an intrest to me, i wrote my senior term paper on family tree!
I know, going to family reunions is like torture, because no one ever remembers me.
When I go up to talk to the ones I know, we chat for a few minutes and they are ready to move on to someone else. I am not an interesting person to know, I must be really boring.