going past home....

I went for a walk tonight, past my dads house
The house he and my mom used to live.
The house where I moved from at 17

It never seemed like my home, it was never a place
where I felt truly loved, and nurtured.
Why?
They gave me material things, they took me to church.
They loved me as a baby, I never felt as tho I was more than an adornment to their life.
Someone who was supposed to make them happy.
Someone who was supposed to bring them joy.
Someone who was supposed to bring them fulfillment.
Instead, I was suffagating bringing death to my spirit, I ran off and got married at 17.

I had wanted to be a social worker, I went and talked to my highschool counceler.
None of my family had ever gone to college
so, I didnt have a clue how to go about it.

The counceler told me "you will have to move to a big city like New York, or Chicago"
Me, being 17, had never thought about even leaving HomeTown, let alone moving to a huge city!
so, I left his office, heart broken, and spirit empty.
I did the next best thing, I pushed to get married.
That would solve all my problems, wouldnt it?
Ah to be in love with love!
After all, if I were to get married,
I would be out of the home I hated so much!

Why did I hate it so much?
Why didnt I see it as a blessing, as a home of love, and a home of growth?

I must face these demons before I can go any further.

How, do I do this?

Show me the truth oh lord....show me the truth....

If I have lived with hate, and false memories of no growth, no encouragement, nothing to live off of, please forgive me Lord. Please forgive me for
falling short of the realm of thankfullness.
Please forgive me for not allowing the blessings to be recieved.

In my heart, I know, I loved my parents, but was so angry at them for over protecting me.
So angry for not allowing me any space to explore life. They finally allowed me out, when I was married, and, wanted to go on a bus trip to see Becky Waddell who had moved to Alabama when we were in our sophomore year.
Sump, Metzler, and I loaded up, took the buss down south, and, came back alive and well.

Since then I have been traveling and, always end up back here, why cant I break free?

Within 30+ years, Im still 5 houses from where I grew up, and, in worse shape emotionally, physically, and spiritually than I have ever been in.

I feel so lost, and incomplete.
my Faith is wavering to and fro, my believe system is close to nill, I just cant seem to make sense in my life.

and NO ONE GIVES A FUCK!!!!!!