more noon blue apples.....

not only did my inlaws die, they were a great family, gave me "family". Growing up as an only child, I never enjoyed having big family dinners, except going to my grandparents, with all of my cousins. After my mom died 10 years ago, they quit inviting me, and, my dad. It was like we died too.
Back to my inlaws, the anniversary of their deaths, and no one to share the grief with today.
My husband at that time, and I had problems from day one of marrage, but, I was determined to make it work.
Getting married at 17, people said we wouldnt make it, but, thought we were the perfect couple, until after the wreck. By 4 years later, his uncle and wife were divorced, his brother and his wife were divorced, and we ended up in divorce. We just couldnt grieve together, or, communicate after that. I found myself going out, partying, and trying to fill my voids with all the wrong things.
Oh, I had been a working member of the church all thru the first years of our marrage, but, after the wreck, the church didnt call on us, didnt check to see if we were ok, and, left us drop out of site.
It was 7 years before I was able to step into a church again. By that time I was divorced, and remarried.
I remarried someone whom I thought needed and wanted me. Only to find out 13 1/2 years later he only married me because he felt sorry for me, what a blow to the ego.
I have never wanted people to feel sorry for me, just understand me, just give me a chance to heal, and become a person again.
Everytime I feel as tho I am starting to go forward, another death comes along, and takes it out of me.
I should be used to death by now, but, Im not, I cant find my God, and dont know which way Im going.
Im just lonely, alone, and in need of someone who understands me.
All whom I have ever had as "best friends" never stick with me long, either move away, or, go away.
I dont want friendships which are one way, but, it always seems to end up being all about them.
Which is ok, but, I would like to have a little bit of time to talk about my feelings too.
Over the years I have found two such friends, but, I never quite know where I stand with them, and try to find my boundaries and not over step them.

Church should be a place to be cared about and given the chance to grieve, and grow, spiritually.
They never see me as worthy to get past the foundational stage of "spirituality"
and NEVER check on me to see how im doing.
I dont even like to ask for prayer, because I feel they should offer it, instead of needing to ask for it.
Maybe im wrong, and I know pride has to step down for help to show up, but, when a person is definitly hurting, why should they have to ask for prayer.......shouldnt spiritual friends know, and see, and feel your pain?

It has never been that way for me, maybe that is testing God, but, I think in a "spiritual church" they should be able to decern the pain, hurt, and loneliness.

I just feel things are not what I have been taught in the Bible how Jesus knew their problems.
If we are to be like Jesus, we should be able to hear, see, and know....
The truth shall set you free.....but, what is truth?

I want to know what "Noon Blue Apples" are
I want to know what is past the curtain
I want to know where life began
I want to know what is the secret to life
I want to know why people have to live in hell before knowing what heaven is all about.....
If Jesus desended down into hell and then rose again,
was it to gain knowledge he would use in his new life?

Oh so many questions, no answers.....