2012

Another year gone, what do I have to show for it?
July 7 1952-
Jan 1-2012-



another year paid on my home, no improvements made because I cannot afford the cost of even little improvements. 2012- came from nothing- going out as nothing...

Another year gone, how far have I gone?

5 houses around the block and back.....
I have made 21 moves in my life time
I am 59 and feel as tho I have learned so little
in all of the experiences I have had

When I speak to councelors, they fall asleep
when I speak to friends from years back
they tell me they live vicariously thru me
when i speak to friends from today
they know little from the deep blue see......sea....
why is it my friends who seem to know me are on facebook....
where there is no physical intimination......
but plenty of emotional atraction......
but the one friend I love the most, says im such a drama queen....
and returns so little ....so little to hold on to.....

the one thing i have always wanted.....

and its the perverbial carrot dangling in front of my face
saying.....

your not good enough
your not pretty enough
your not thin enough
your not rich enough
your not funny enough
your not smart enough
your not cool enough
your not there enough
your not .....enough.....

your too emotional
your too fat
your too stupid
your too .....

ok get the picture.....

Amazing Grace how sweet tit is
to save a slut like me.....



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OMG,
there are boys in my lawn....the grass is always greener on the other side....

I watched from a far, knowing he was a "boy"
my first notice of being different from all the other kids in school,
telling my mommy, "Oh yes I loved school,
i even got to meet a boy, and he is a BOY!!!"

I do not remember what my mommy's remark was
but from that day on, I knew my vision was to find
that love I had felt for the first time.... what did i feel?
I dont have a clue, but he loved me, and i loved him, and it was going to be for ever and ever.....

he noticed me, he treated me nice, he even gave me his mothers necklace in the 3rd grade for christmas.....
my mommy made me give it back saying it was most probably his mommy's....

I lost track of him after that, I moved to another town in the 7th grade
and I vaguely remember him being sent to a different school, he sent me a graduation invitation. I always wondered how he got my address because I know I never gave it to him, or anyone else, no one from my gradeschool asked for it.... I became lost- and un-remembered....

In 2010, I found him on Facebook....and he didnt remember me....never had a crush on me, never gave me a necklace....cuz he doesnt remember me.....more verification....im invisible, have never existed.....

one friend came to stay with me after moving to my new town
I took her on a double date, and the guy tried to take advantage of her all night long.....
she went home, I never heard from her again.....
I wrote her and told her I was sorry for his behavior, I had asked my boyfriend who was a Fr in college.....

What in the world was I doing dating guys from college when I was just a freshman in highschool!!!! meaning I MET THEM WHEN I WAS still an 8th grader!!!!!!

the boys in my jr high didnt notice me so, I took what came along...my cousins friends....he was like my big brother, the one I looked up to.... he was 4 years older than me....his friends were too...but he was my cousin....
the one who took me to the drive in movies with his friends....
then by myself.....
and the moves were made....
I said "no" your my cousin....I lost a friend that night....
a cousin, a brother....lost family.....

my first experience of sex getting in the way of a relationship.....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_->SEX<-_

Somewhere in my 12th year, my first kiss happened
he tasted like corn....yuck.....

I never saw him again after that Friday night which felt so right
but tasted so terrible......

I just want to be ok, I just want to know that my life will someday
be the one which was worth living.....


WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK BACK ON
which was worth the journey....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
will my life be one which was worth living?

Just when I thought life couldnt get any weirder...

http://WWW.helpself.Com/IQ-test.HTML

An outstanding example of emotional health is the average two-year-old, who often displays a full range of emotions. Emotions are usually freely expressed and felt by the two-year-old, and therefore stuckness in any one emotion for more than a couple of minutes doesn't happen often. Once felt, emotions change. Without emotional change one stays discomfited, clear evidence of skewed emotional expression. This is a commonly overlooked truism about emotions - once they are felt properly, they disappear, thus making room for the next feeling or emotion. (The root of the word, e-motion, implies motion or change.)



Now this in it's self is heavy duty to a person who struggles daily with emotional health, but, when it implies motion or change......

If you have read any of my blog over the years you will have learned about all of the changes in my life, over and over I have tried to make my life better, and more rewarding, and, just find a way to live emotionally, and financially.

Change....the more I try, the more I find myself going in circles.

Running away from emotional problems, teen age years, taking me into a marriage I never should have dove into, but, being the head strong, strong willed child, no one could tell me no.

So, marriage was the only way I could see to get out of the home I grew up hating more and more.

Now, 39 years later, I am back in the same neighborhood that I never wanted to live in, but, where my parents moved to.

With so many experiences behind me, and, what happens next?

Since everything that has happened is logged on to my "journal" here online, and I am not a
novel writer. I am not sure how to catch up todate, except just write a brief back ground.
It hasn't even been that exciting. Nothing majorly growth promoting, alot of painful experiences, and, alot of just major wonderment of why do I do the things I do!!!

I guess I am just so blind to life's lessons, and cannot seem to hear the spiritual voices leading me thru, so, I just keep going around the same mountains.

I think I know most stones, branches, and ruts by name, and I know the AA saying, if you want change, you have to do things differently. Then why CANT I SEE different routes out?


Just when I thought life couldn't get any weirder, my 2nd EX shows up at my door, needing a place to stay. WHY AM I SO STUPID.....but, I could NOT- not reach out to someone I have loved with all of my heart and soul for half of my married life. Being divorced now for 10 years, thinking all of the love was gone, and there was no way to fix what was broke all of those years ago. I divorced him not knowing he had an addiction to porn, and meth. HOOOOOOOW was I so blind?

and, now, to bring him back into my home?

We had kept in touch while he was in prison, and, after he got out, OMG he looked so good standing at the door. I just wanted to kiss him, and love him and have him back. We became friends again kind of.
But, he had changed, I had changed, he had a son now, a new woman in his life, so, I kept my distance. fast forward .....
3 years gone by, his sons mother used him up, spit him out, and left him there to die, in her own meth labyrinth that tangles so many up. He won't admit it but I think she set him up to get him out of their sons life, now, he has lost all rights to his son as well as herself. I don't now if they have anything to do with each other but, as far as I know they don't.

He spent the last 6 months in a county jail for his "perseverance" of trying to get papers out of her house that he was supposed to sign to keep his son, but instead, cops showed up and took him back to jail for disorderly conduct, and what ever else she conjoured up against him.

Knowing only one side of the story, and knowing him as the man I used to be married to, I want to believe his story. But, I'm not totally stupid, I do know, there are always two sides to every story!

Up to date, right before Christmas he shows up at my door, no place to stay, & no job.Being the person I am, I accepted his offer to come stay, look for a job, and help pay the bills. Since my
live in partner was supposed to go into a 9 month program for alcoholics, I figured, well, I have the room, I need the extra funds, OK we can try it.

The first inkling that this was not going to work was......SURPRISE....I STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR THIS GUY!!! I have lived a life with no sex for over 7 years, and, now, here is the guy I had once enjoyed a GREAT sex life with, and, he is living in my home, along with my live in partner......mmm this is NOT GOING TO WORK!
If it wasnt so pathetic, it would be quite humorus....living with two men, and I cant get laid!
The live in wouldnt mind if I had a bit going with the ex, but, it is just too uncomfortable in a small house, two men, one woman.... I AM NOT going to throw myself at him!

Little did I know or think about everything it would entail. Never thinking about feelings that were un finished all those years ago, never thinking about how, our own changes would effect each other. NEVER THINKING.... it is very difficult for me to understand, how, my head can do so much thinking, but never come up with the right actions!!!! AM I REALLY THAT STUPID?

My live in, didnt go to the 9 month program, he had not been released from his DUI court date. The center for the program will not take him until he has completed the court date. So, he has no job, but looking for temporary job. The Ex, has no job, and eats like a horse! Here we are two weeks before payday, and, no money, little food. Being poor really SUX MR BUSH, I wish you could do with out for a while!

My first day of him staying here, I came home with great expectations, had he looked for a job?
Was he going out putting in applications? He says very little to me, and is quick to cut me off at the knees when I asked him anything. So, my next thought was to check the history on the ole computer, see where he has been.....so to speak.
To my shock, and I dont know why.....of course...porn sites.....no job sites!
Adult friend finders, and, no JOB SITES.....

Oh MY DEAR SWEET SELF.....why!!!!
My feelings were not for him, but the remembering the pain i felt all the years of marriage to him, never knowing where he was after work, all the times, I wanted to communicate with him, and, no words were there. All of the times, I thought we were close, but, it was only a sexual lust. Unfinished and no closure for when I left him, he never said he didnt want me to leave or stay..... he just opened the door and let me walk out....
As I sat there thinking about how he is living in my home, and looking for a sex partner, and wont even talk to me. Ooh the flood of rejection I felt all those years ago, flooded back, smacking me in the face. As I sat on the couch, numb, tears rolling down my face, unable to talk to him about what I had discovered. The phone rang, it was my boss, the preacher, asking me if I was ok. As my mind quickly wondered all over the place trying to come to, I said, "yes, why?"
and I realized.... I had totally forgotten about the church board meeting, and I was 35 minutes LATE!