2012

Another year gone, what do I have to show for it?
July 7 1952-
Jan 1-2012-



another year paid on my home, no improvements made because I cannot afford the cost of even little improvements. 2012- came from nothing- going out as nothing...

Another year gone, how far have I gone?

5 houses around the block and back.....
I have made 21 moves in my life time
I am 59 and feel as tho I have learned so little
in all of the experiences I have had

When I speak to councelors, they fall asleep
when I speak to friends from years back
they tell me they live vicariously thru me
when i speak to friends from today
they know little from the deep blue see......sea....
why is it my friends who seem to know me are on facebook....
where there is no physical intimination......
but plenty of emotional atraction......
but the one friend I love the most, says im such a drama queen....
and returns so little ....so little to hold on to.....

the one thing i have always wanted.....

and its the perverbial carrot dangling in front of my face
saying.....

your not good enough
your not pretty enough
your not thin enough
your not rich enough
your not funny enough
your not smart enough
your not cool enough
your not there enough
your not .....enough.....

your too emotional
your too fat
your too stupid
your too .....

ok get the picture.....

Amazing Grace how sweet tit is
to save a slut like me.....



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OMG,
there are boys in my lawn....the grass is always greener on the other side....

I watched from a far, knowing he was a "boy"
my first notice of being different from all the other kids in school,
telling my mommy, "Oh yes I loved school,
i even got to meet a boy, and he is a BOY!!!"

I do not remember what my mommy's remark was
but from that day on, I knew my vision was to find
that love I had felt for the first time.... what did i feel?
I dont have a clue, but he loved me, and i loved him, and it was going to be for ever and ever.....

he noticed me, he treated me nice, he even gave me his mothers necklace in the 3rd grade for christmas.....
my mommy made me give it back saying it was most probably his mommy's....

I lost track of him after that, I moved to another town in the 7th grade
and I vaguely remember him being sent to a different school, he sent me a graduation invitation. I always wondered how he got my address because I know I never gave it to him, or anyone else, no one from my gradeschool asked for it.... I became lost- and un-remembered....

In 2010, I found him on Facebook....and he didnt remember me....never had a crush on me, never gave me a necklace....cuz he doesnt remember me.....more verification....im invisible, have never existed.....

one friend came to stay with me after moving to my new town
I took her on a double date, and the guy tried to take advantage of her all night long.....
she went home, I never heard from her again.....
I wrote her and told her I was sorry for his behavior, I had asked my boyfriend who was a Fr in college.....

What in the world was I doing dating guys from college when I was just a freshman in highschool!!!! meaning I MET THEM WHEN I WAS still an 8th grader!!!!!!

the boys in my jr high didnt notice me so, I took what came along...my cousins friends....he was like my big brother, the one I looked up to.... he was 4 years older than me....his friends were too...but he was my cousin....
the one who took me to the drive in movies with his friends....
then by myself.....
and the moves were made....
I said "no" your my cousin....I lost a friend that night....
a cousin, a brother....lost family.....

my first experience of sex getting in the way of a relationship.....

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_->SEX<-_

Somewhere in my 12th year, my first kiss happened
he tasted like corn....yuck.....

I never saw him again after that Friday night which felt so right
but tasted so terrible......

I just want to be ok, I just want to know that my life will someday
be the one which was worth living.....


WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK BACK ON
which was worth the journey....
WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?
will my life be one which was worth living?