flushed- down-

ever have that sinking filling that all was not what it was supposed to be?

all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism

i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood

so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god

knowing im saved because thats what they have told me

"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....


standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....

we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLIND
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....


I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you

I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow

God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?

or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....

you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost

after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone

and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger

i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm


and he has treated me so harshly

is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?

we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....

but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...

its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused

and at 4 say's

"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"

he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later

tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for

how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve

i think my heart just got flushed down the drain

http://youtu.be/Yl4J1fjuKdg