Trip to KC

I was ever so scared of having to go to KC and do the outside catering in the friggin cold weather.
I called upon the Lord, asked him for acceptable weather, and, capability to do the work. He honored my prayers. He along with the Railroad guys, put us in a building out of the weather, and, gave me good help who was able to do the lifting.
MY thanks go out to my father in heaven!!!!!

We made it thru with little incident, only head butting happened with the other person in charge. I didn't want to make her mad, but there are some things she does which can be done so much easier, and better but, she wont try it unless its her idea! I DISLIKE PEOPLE LIKE HER! Am I like that?
I certainly hope not!

I got home, R was drunk, I had a lot to say, so, asked if we could go out to dinner...hoping he would be capable of a decent visit. It was OK, by the time we got home all I wanted to do was get away from him again.
I guess that shows how it is going with us!

I miss my ex so much, I want to sit across the table and talk to him, but, would it be where we left off or, has he really moved on? Would we be able to find common ground? We made common ground when we were married, but, he never really fit into my life, nor me into his, but our friends from church were our common ground, our foster kids, and, our "love" for each other...
I know I haven't....moved on....
I have survived during his being gone, but, i have not lived, if there is one thing I learned during my short love affair with JD, I WAS ALIVE!!!
I had NEVER felt like that, and never hurt so badly!!

When I divorced my ex, I would not allow myself to miss him, JD came along the day I signed the divorce papers, and, he took me down the road of pain, which took the place of my dealing with my divorce.
I had thought I was "fine" with leaving M. Knowing he had rejected me so much, I just felt numb to the final rejection, of him not trying to stop the divorce.
Not carring enough to really tell me he didnt want it.....he wanted it, and, it was his way of finally getting me out of his life, now....It pains me to feel that it is over, because he never wanted me in the first place.
I just want to ask him if he EVER felt anything for me, or if he really ment it when he said the only reason he married me was because he felt sorry for me....those words still cut deep into my heart.


My gut pains me, knowing how much I loved him, and, felt the rejection of his affection to me, which I felt was because of his drinking. I don't feel rejected by R, per say, but, With R its always a struggle to find space to be ME.... We talk, and we relate when it comes to "work" but there is no us, relationship....no passion between us.

I think there was love between me and my ex, at least when we had sex, it felt like we both were making love. However,knowing also when I was with JD, I know, I made love to him, he was just a good faker at making me believe he was making love back to me...I guess I just don't really know what true love is.
For so long R and I seem to fit so well, in all ways, except the sex part, and, now, I'm begging to not be able to fit in other ways....is it because my ex is kind of back in my life?

OH CRAP.......got sentimental, and called him.....not good.....
I screwed up tonight, I called M, telling him about the meeting of the Drum Circle tomorrow. I feel it is a good place for him, it is alot of ex druggies, trying to bring 100 drums to one beat....
a sobriety circle, knowing where they have been, where they are going, something with a cause, a reason, a beat...something spiritual...
I got stupid, started crying, telling him how much I have missed him
SHIT why do I do those stupid things?

He will definitly not go to drum circle if he feels im trying to make a pass at him again....I dont want that, I just want a chance to be his friend...why cant men
understand, they CAN be friends with a woman without sex?
My 1st ex, my kids dad, would have been a GREAT FRIEND, except his friggin wife, she is so jelous of our friendship....so, I just go on missing him too.
Not being a part of a family which meant so much to me until his parents died in that horrible wreck.


As I was talking on the phone, R came into the room and had to make sure M heard him tell me to come on to bed...he NEVER asks me to come to bed...
I DONT SLEEP WITH HIM!!!!
was it his way of being jelous?

I dont want games to be played, I just want to walk in the right direction!!!!!

Deli Momma is desiring to come back out, move back to the deli, and bbq she loved so much!! BUT, not wanting to make same mistakes, and, not sure if she wants to go back down traveled roads! How about a New Adventure?