So proud of my cous!

He has always had a silver spoon in his mouth, grandmas favorite grandchild, momma's boy, great up bringing, only had one job in his life, stepped into becoming the sheriff as the retiring sheriff was leaving his term in the middle so he wouldnt have to be "voted in" He was sworn in for taking over a leaving sheriff's position. Now cousin will retire at 50, have his daughter in college to become his successor.
Looks like he made all the right turns, and had good guidence and good parenting....

The most traumatic thing in his life that I know about was.....recently He was training a Deputy to take over for him but the Deputy got shot in a domistic fight responce, and ended up being killed trying to go into the house. The guy who shot him was an aquaintence, and, an alcoholic. Someone who went to AA with my partner, someone who was a really nice guy....but, had lost his wife to cancer two years ago, and, beeing batteling life....I wonder how much he had to scream out to be heard before the shooting happened....I know for a fact if an AA memeber in this lovely town back slides, they are on their own...the guys shun them......
I can only imagine the pain he was going thru in order to get to the point of shooting someone who was finally trying to help him, them....his girlfriend and he were quarreling, her daughter called the cops...
the cop...is dead.....the AA guy is in prison for life, maybe even faacing a death sentence.....and my cousins life is still good.......I wonder how much it effected him.....

Im really proud of my cousin, BUT it makes me feel even more of a failure in my life.
I was adopted, brought out of poverty, given everything by my parents, everything but knowledge how to survive......

I was left by my biological mother being born out of wedlock, given away, and raised by two wonderful people. Dr told mother to take me home and love me because I wouldnt live past two years old....
well, I did! They loved me to death!

There IS such a thing of being given too much love, and not enough dicipline

I was never made to finish anything just beaten down emotionally to do what they wanted me to do.
I would fight my mother to let me take piano lessons, then when she finally let me take them, I felt like I couldnt play, I wasnt any good, and, hated to practice because I felt as tho I just couldnt get the hang of it. Mother was never any encouragement, but, she would tell me "YOU wanted to take lessons so YOUR GOING TO PRACTICE!!!!" It didnt help any that the neighbor girl started piano lessons at the same time, and she was flying thru the books...she was a natural....she was so good, and I compared myself to her all the time....I never could live up to her....in popularity, studies, or family....I LOVED going to her house, we had so much fun as long as it was just her and me, if the other neighbor girls came into the picture....they always left me out, and, I always ended up leaving....or, being in a fight with one of them....why did they hate me so....?

Mother...would MAKE me practice an hour every night, and, it was murder....I would struggle, over chords, cry because I couldnt figure them out, and no one could help me, so, I would get frustrated and quit.....after 4 years of lessons, and never feeling as tho I could ever make it any btter, I gave them up, and, gave up being able to play. I can never remember them encouraging me by helping me, or showing me creative critism, only lies on how "good it was" even if it was shit!!!!
I can still remember the humiliation of sitting in recital playing some whimpy song, making mistakes stumbling thru it, and the neighbor girl was sitting there playing some beautiful piece and not making one mistake....
I know they were trying to be good parents but they didnt make me strive to be better.... The just didnt know how to help me....

I always thought I was best because my parents alwayss told me i was....I was "special"
yeah fucking right!
I have never been special to anyone but my mommy and daddy!
They never allowed me to be their "daughter" I was always their little girl, and, allowed to be the baby of the family being the only child, of a couple who just wanted a baby....didnt matter what color, or if i was born with defects they just wanted a baby....and that was what they kept me as.... the one who was babied and played with as a child, then, rebelious teenager, not being bad in public rebelion, but being gone from home as much as possible because I hated being home!
Never building that relationship with my parents because they never put any thing into it....
or, I shut them out, not sure which but none the less, I was dropped as an adult.....
I got married as a child....17....what did I know about love, marriage, sex....NOTHING!
I took home ec as a student, but, shit all they did was get us excited about having a nice house....
learning to cook, and have dinner parties....
nothing about sex....love.... or relationships.....
who was supposed to teach that to me?
My mother and father sure didnt...all they ever did was fight....or, watch tv.....
we NEVER TALKED!

They talked AT ME not to me....and of course, I didnt want to listen, so, who was to blame?

Back to my cousin...I dont know that I have even said more than 100 words to him thru out our lives....
at family get togethers he was always somewhere other than were we girls were, and, even as adults we never really ever had anything to say to each other. I remember my dad being so proud of him being a cop, daddy would go to his office just to visit after mother died....until he felt he was being in the way, then, daddy would sit on his front porch and see cousin drive by, and not even wave...pretty soon, daddy quit sitting on the porch hoping to wave at someone....cuz they quit honking, quit waving....was daddy''s eye site so poor he couldnt see, or, did people quit waving out of quilt, cuz they didnt want to stop and visit with him....?
Something I will never know....but I know he died a very lonely person.....funny, how, it was my cousins mom who finally went to visit daddy, after several years past my moms death....He was sooo excited about having company....he had a stroke, right there while she was there....it took him a month to make peace, then die, but...makes me wonder .......makes me sad.....

Now....my aunt never calls me... I have called her, but, she doesnt call me back....my cousins sister comes to town to visit her mom, but never calls me....I might as well died when mother died.....I dont exist anymore...
did I ever?



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When I was married first time we had a piano, but, no music except my books I had as a child for lessons.
I tried to follow thru them but, just couldnt get them...still no help, I wish I would have found a teacher, my mother inlaw knew how to play, I wish I would have asked her to help me.
I lved her so much, and never got to tell her, I only felt angry because she invited us over when I already had dinner ready, I knew hubby would want to go over there so my food was always 2nd choice....
I loved eating their food she was such a good cook, but, being the selfish self I was at that point, I didnt appreciate it, but I sure put on the pounds because I learned to eat for the first time in my life....mothers food was never very good....while growing up....till the last, finally she learned to make a great roast, and we always enjoyed eating it when she searved it....

My motherinlaw.... I couldnt ask her to teach me how to play the piano after I got the piano, because she was dead, that is why I got the piano.......
They died in that horrible car wreck, in 1978, only 9 years after we had been married. I never had the time to appreciate them and learn to totally love them, or understand what I had, because my marriage was such a mess, I didnt know how to make things right.....and no one to ask.
I couldnt admit to anyone how bad my marrage was. No one knew we had problems......everyone thought we had the perfect marrage because we were always "happy" together.....
but....not when we were drinking, and, I would become so depressed I would start crying and I couldnt express why I was crying.....
His best man, best friend would ask me what was wrong, but I couldnt tell him, I didnt understand it myself....
all I knew was that I was misserable...... He was the only one who ever asked.....
I gave up after 13 1/2 years of trying.
I knew if I didnt quit, I would totally ruin my name, and my childrens and, his....
by my actions.
I was drinking alot, partying at the bars a lot, and going out....with other men.....
I didnt want to put him, and the kids thru that anylonger, and I couldnt live with it any longer either....
I HAD TO GET OUT!

People were SHOCKED! All they knew was we split, they didnt have any idea why.....I have carried that for over 30 years.... no one talked about it.... I was finally able to tell my daughter just over the past few years, because she has been so angry at me for the divorce....I had to tell her why I left.....



Every 4th of July, was so special, it was Sister inlaws birthday, so we HAD to get done cutting wheat, and, have homemade ice cream, cake and fireworks.
Normally we would rush thru, and hurry to Peabody to see their fire works too, but as the crowds grew we got to the point where we would get our own and then have just the party at home......climb the windmill and see them from peabody, which was fun.... now..he and his wife, invite her family, their (our friends) my kids....and have the celebration....but, Im alone....and never get invited....it was my family too....I lost everything, everyone, our friends where his friends.....when i left...I left everyone....everything.....and had to start over....

Oh how I miss those times, and of course wanting a divorce because I didnt "lust" for my husband any longer, or, never really did......was in Love with Love as a 16 yearold, and, needed a way out of home.....hated living at home....with the parents who gave me everything, except knowldege how to survive....

He was a wonderful husband, but, never really cared to get to know me, I was just sex to him, he was normal 18 year old, I was a willing partner....We never talked, we didnt plan a wedding together, it was what I wanted, he didnt care what I did or colors, etc....he just figured it was a way to have sex when he wanted it....so, why not get married...he even told me that after our divorce!
I lusted after the need to be special, loved and known.....not sex.....but yet I became the whore in town, lusting after those who showed me attention while i was married but after I got divorced they wouldnt even look at me....
by then, I was ruined, he said he would never forgive me for having an affair, and, for running around....
or divorcing him....

So, I have lived with the guilt all these years unforgivin.....
still unloved, still unkown, still not special to anyone.....
30 years later, unmarried, in a sic relationship, unlusted after, known but not acknowledged, alone,
so alone....

I have gone full circle, I know I have mentioned it before on here but, my thoughts are just so fractured, and, I have so little time to myself to write, I never have time to go back and read what I wrote....so, forgive me if this gets repeated over and over.

My life is so fucked up, and I cant seem to find my way out.....
The maze just keeps getting weirder and weirder...I dont know how to go any different....
They say if things dont work out why keep doing them the same....but, why cant I see any different ways?

Why cant I hear a voice, see a road, feel a touch?????????????????
AM I GOING NUTS OR WHAT???????????????????????????????????