breaking thru?

Today in session with pastor, he broke thru some things with me,
one that i have walked for 30 years with out any spousal covering, the load has just gotten so immensely heavy and, i have been PISSED at GOD! not in those words, and, I didn't even really admit i was pissed until we were in the truck on the way home....
sooooooo, not even sure Pissed is the right word, always knowing being angry is an option but not wanting to choose to be, i tried to candy coat it???? or something like that....

I know the pity party i had for me was really kind of a grieving thing, giving up family, giving up dreams, giving up self....feelings of being such a failure, looser, and unworthy skum.....
thank you for being there for me....

Knowing that when Jesus was talking to his disciples telling them if they wanted to be like him, they had to drink from the cup, and, take the life he has walked.....
I think I have always backed away at that point, not wanting to totally give up self to allow him to be totally with in me....

I talked to pastor about my anger of having to be back in hometown usA, etc, he even admitted he didn't want to come back here after they had been away from it while in the city up north!!! He said, you wont find any condemnation from me on your anger for not wanting to be back here....(HAHA), then spoke about the challenges set before us for being back here, and that God chose us to be here for a purpose!

Anyway, just wanted to bring you up to where I am at this moment...
trying to unload the bedroom, to get it started on paint project, since I really feel we need to get this thing done before we end up working jobs and wont feel like working when we get home..
we have waisted way too much time already....

I start a itsy bitsy job tonight for Gophers, Fri and Sat nights, but at least it will be something for a while till something else comes along.