shit hit the fan

he is finally gone, it took less than 6 years for him to go nuts and get kicked out
once again a woman gave up on him....
i loved him so much, not physically but emotionally, he was so kind, and gentle when sober, but....such an asshole when drunk...and, got more stupid everday after 5 years NOTHING MAKES anysense anymore...

now that he is out of the house maybe my life will start making sense?
but...I miss the phone calls in the middle of the day, asking "hey woman what you doing?"
there was a time we talked but, it got to the point, if he was drunk, he talked a short time then he was out of control, and nothing but fighting...he drinks less but out of control faster, it was escalating
he felt so hopeless, put himself into the state mental hosptial, but didnt like being there asked to be let out. He lasted less than two weeks at living up to the rules of no drinking, go to work, and, going to meetings
he couldnt do it....he left for 36 hours with out letting me know where he was..i was calling and begging him to come home, which was the LAST THING i should have been doing but, I wanted him to know how much he was loved and needed...
I felt sorry for him and didnt want him to feel so hopeless, but, obviously he doesnt want me or be with me, just another rejection....in life....altho he says I should not be so egotistical, its not rejection of me its just his inability to not drink....

his sanity times were shorter and shorter....
he used to make it 6 weeks sober...
Was I that hard to live with?

I just want to understand the mind of an alcoholic
the treatment centers arent helping them, but sure cost plenty of dough!

Is there an answer?
Scientology claims to have the answer, but, it is brainwashing, however, church does the same thing, why is is so difficult to hang on to the message from the church?
each church teaches basically the same thing but, each one has its own flavor, and, most of what i have found most dont really want to deal with hurting people...
Just like the lady I met recently...she is one of the CRAZIEST people I have EVER KNOWN....all types of diagnosis, but...no one wants to be around her, I dont even want to but....She is hurting so badly, her tears just ran down her face, poor child, she just wants a "normal" life....instead of being on disability....
but she lives in a tiny room, having to keep her important things in a travel bag and carry them downstairs with her because she says people get into her things.
If it is true or not she is phycho, but at the same time hurting so badly.

I just hope and Pray God will show me how to help her, I couldnt help Him, he wanted his life, not what I had to offer....
he said he did, but obviously he didnt....



I know its in Gods hands now, nothing can be done for him, no one can do anythig for him he has to pull himself up....
and he doesnt think he can....

i just hope he doesnt end it all as he has said many times, and, never been able to do...
not being able to hear from him is difficult but, at least i cant call him, i kept his phone!
He is out there with out money, wiht out phone, and will most probably find another sugar momma to keep him in booze and a place to live....I guess I was pretty stupid for putting up with him for so long, I just wanted him to know I believed in him, and our dream of the best bbq!!! but dreams are gone, spirit is almost gone...
with out spirit, no dream, no vision...no life....
where will it go from here?
either up or down
if I live with Faith, it HAS TO GET BETTER because that is what they keep telling me, but, for over 30 years it hasnt gotten better it keeps getting WORSE!

all perspective...all the way you look at it, so far i have not been able to see the blessings in any of the life changes i have had in the last 30 years
just al ot of heart ache and pain...
please help me see the blessings....


any one out there?
they say blogs draw over 8 million people a day....DOES ANYONE READ ME?

anyone out there?