I dont remember ever being told I was adopted, but..

I dont remember being told I was adopted, but, I have always known it.
My mother who wanted a baby so badly, said "I wanted a baby so bad it didnt matter if you would have been blue, green, purple, 13 fingers or 2 heads we would have accepted you no matter what!" She had already suffered 4 or 5 miscarriages...

The day came that I was brought to Potwin, a small village nestled off of hiway 96 SE of Wichita my mother had to call the grocery store owner because it was after hours, and she had no milk or food in the house for a new born baby. She was in such a hurry to get to the store and get back home she ran into the store owners car which was parked in front of the store. I dont know how much damage was done, most probably a scratch, but, knowing my dad she heard the living h*** for scratching his car....when she got home.
However, being as excited as they were to have this new baby in the house, hopfully he was not that mad.

I was always told, I had two older brothers, and two older sisters, and that the lawyer had a letter written by my birth mother for me when I got "old enough", I am not sure how old, "old enough" was supposed to be, but, someday I was going to go get that letter!

I was raised as an only child, feeling left out of neighborhood fun fests, and childhood birthday partys. The neighborhood was ruled by older boys who loved to chaise me out of the "club house's" and keep me from playing with their sisters who were my age. The child hood birthday partys came and went with out invitations, I learned later because, everyone was related to each other, and I was not one of them, I didnt get invited. My parents were always up for allowing me to have parties, and, so we did. Oh what fun, and the kids who never invited me, ALWAYS showed up....

I wish I could conger up some good child hood stories, what few I have are memories of hot summer days spent, laying under the shade trees listening to the mourning doves coo to each other, never seeing what was making that sound, and the once in a while visiting neighborhood neice or nephew of neighbors who could come over to play. Frequent days spent under the huge oak trees with my neighborhood "grandpa" making mud pies, or collecting acorns with him, or perhaps, picking beautiful zinnias out of his wonderful magical garden.

At 12, my mom and dad had to make a life change since the refinery which had fueled the local economy for decades, closed down.
My dad, with an education of 6th grade, and not knowing how to read, had to go find another job. Which he did in no time, but it was to a town, where I didnt know anyone, and, never wanted to live. I had one cousin in ElDorado, and I LOVED being there but they moved the other direction to Newton instead.

My teen years were spent as any teenager, going to school events and being as busy as I could doing the club thing at school, anything to keep me from having to be at home. My parents were wonderful parents, and did the best they could....for which I will always be thankful, but when you are a teenager who wants to be at home with their parents??

Fast forward, I got married at 17 in 1969, left home, and started that search for the "bio family". My mother went with me to the lawyers to retrieve that letter....
the lawyer who had handled the adoption had passed away a few years earlier, and, his son took over the office. This son, told my mother and myself, there was no letter, and, when his father passed away, he had destroyed all the records. SOOOO my record of existence no longer existed. All I knew was what my adopted mother "chose" to tell me. I was born in Joplin Mo. my biomoms name was Alberta Rooks, her husbands name was Roy C. and my pre adoption name was baby Rooks. I had two older brothers, two older sisters, and, she loved me but couldnt keep me, oh, and that I was part Indian. A fact that I always cherished. BUT, not knowing any tribal history, I cannot even build on that historical existence!

Armed with only my bio mothers name, and town I was born in, I started my search. This was 35 years ago, before, the internet made it so easy!
I had remembered seeing a show on Oprah about families who were reunited, and thought that would be the most exciting thing, to find my bio family. Since I had been raised with no siblings, and my relationship with my adopted family was not the best, I just HAD to find my siblings. After all on tv they all seemed to be so happy and excited about finding each other!! Fueled by the fact I was pregnant with my first child, I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know about medical history.

I got addresses from calling the local water department, at that time, people werent bound by laws against giving out addresses over the phone!

I sat down and wrote what I thought to be the most beautiful letter asking people with the last name of my birth mother to help me find her. A week went by, no responce, a month went by no response.....maybe two years went by, and no response....

I had battled depression most of my life (didnt know what it was, just knew I was sad all the time). My depression had gotten pretty bad and I was talking to my minister at the church, and shared with him about my search for my biological mother, and how it had really upset my adoptive mother, but, she didnt or wouldnt talk to me about it, instead, she got a terrible rash, as they called it back then, a case of the nerves. I felt so guilty for putting her thru that, but, at the time, she didnt even have anything to worry about, I hadnt found anyone!!

(Or DID SHE?) I still wonder to this day, if she knew more than what she let on. No one is alive to tell me.....

My ministers response was "hey, I have a friend who is a minister in Joplin, let me call him, and see what I can do for you"

With-in an hour, he was calling me back, my first news of my bio family, he had found thru the Rooks name, my biomoms maiden name and called my biograndma....his message to me was "Cindy I have some news, but its not going to be easy for you. Are you sitting down?
Your bio mother died in 1959. Your sisters and brothers no one knows where they are. The lady whom I spoke to is your mothers, mother, your grandmother, but, she is elderly and doesnt seem to recall or accept the fact that her daughter had a child who was given away for adoption. Im sorry." He gave me her phone number and address, but, also said he had given her my phone number and address.

Needless to say, my heart was broke, once again I didnt exist.
....in later years, realized, my depression started approximately 1959, when I was 7, perhaps, having my bio mother pass that year, somehow in the stars effected my psyche ?
It wasnt until two weeks later, I had a phone call from one of my bio mom's sister Dorothy. She had gone to Joplin to visit her mother, my grandmother, and, found the letter which I had sent her after the ministers phone call, she had tucked it away for her daughter to look at when she came to visit from oklahoma.
Yes, my bio mother had given a child away in 1952, but, she hadnt told anyone because I was a product of an afair, her husband was in the army, having affairs marrying another woman and having children.... all over Europe, but, she was the one who was going to be judged because she was the "unfaithful" wife back home....so she gave me away. Or, is one of the three stories....

Being the "serviceman" he was, he had a family started while in the Army stationed at Fort Riley Ks. a wife, two little girls, and then, started on my bio mothers life.
He moved in with his new pregnant wife, leaving his other woman with two daughters to raise alone.....and...had not divorced her yet! Years later, we find out that this child might not even have been his!

Biomom had been married to this man for several years, and had three (two that we know forsure) children with him when he was called to Korea, and, she was left to raise her children alone, without SRS, or welfare. She took up working in a chicken factory, and fell for a fellow worker, or at least, gave in once to him!
this is story two....

After finally talking to my aunt, and she confirmed she knew my biomom had a baby in 1952 whom she left up for adoption. This aunt, claimed to have been pregnant by the same man at the same time but had an abortion instead of the baby.....so....i have a step brother or sister but not alive.
I asked the aunt if I could go visit my grandmother and I was informed "she is elderly, and very poor, dont expect to "get" anything from her. I never did know if she was speaking not to expect any info, or, any material gain from my grandmother. I got neither!

Grandma was a very frail, old for lack of better word, hillbilly type woman.
she had led a very difficult life, collected junk for a living, and, made do with what she had. Leading a life with a man whom was filthy, vial, and a child molester (as we found out later in the story). Our visit was probably one of her first vists from a grandchild for a very long time. She had not been to her home farm where her son lived for over 35 years, and it was just across the town. She offered us lunch but after looking at the table which was covered with the filth, old dirty cans, bugs crawling, chew in a can sitting, we offered to take them to lunch.
She choose to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken, she said she hadnt had any for so long. She was hunched over, grey braids, large bones holding an old weathered wrinkled body. Just looking at her, you could tell how diffciult her life had been. Oh how sad I was, wondering what she had to go thru to bring her to this point in her life.

Being raised to do what I was told, and not ask why, It has been difficult for me to grow up not asking why. Now, I wish I would have asked more questions!

The next contact I had was with an uncle