Standing still waiting is one of the hardest things I hvae done in the past ten years. Nothing like the past 4 years emotionally, but, not knowing where Im headed, or what my purpose for being back in hometown is driving me NUTS! During the week when I am busy with work is ok, but, being home, weekends, with no money to do anything is the PITS!
I suppose I can always go visit the people who are still alive, since they are the ones who never went to see my dad, and, I have supposedly forgave them. Which, is, NOT what I want to do, but...then, when is walking in a journey doing what we want to do, not my will but Thy will.
The one uncle who is still living, is 90+ and seemingly getting meaner and nastier all the time, I am not sure why I feel I should go see him, or that I have to go see him, but, If this is the reason he is still alive, then, he is holding on and Im ignoring the push to go see him. Does that make sense?
His daughter always says mean spirited things and, I end up retreating into my pitty hole after talking to her, so, it is just something I really rather spare myself.
I have been fighting depression for the last several days, I fell again, and messed up my knee which I messed up a year and half ago, and...has taken until just last week to be able to walk with out a limp. I was so exicted I pointed it out to one of the ladies at the church that my limp was healed, the next day, I tripped on a crack on a driveway while helping with a garage sale, and, down I went on both knees, my fall was broken with a box thank GOD, but, not till after I landed with all weight on my bad knee. It is bulging, and bruised. Also hurt my wrist that I cracked in Florida. Since then, depression has been very heavy. I have done the EFT several times but cant seem to shake it. Guess Im not using the right words....
Im snappy at partner, and, just over all, feel so unapreciated, and un verified, back to just feeling as tho I barey exist. Im just so tired of feeling like that.
I wrote the minister an email asking if I could talk to him, but, he has not answered it either..
Just feel as tho no one cares if i exist.....
my life has been totally waisted....no one even knows who I am in the town where I was raised as a child, my bio family didnt even know I existed when I found them....
my adopted family has not called on me once since my parents have died....
im just floating....hoping to find a place to be planted....but...so far, no place really cares....
The church were I work, which is also the church were I attended from 12 until I was 26 and, got married the first time, cares, they like my work, but, that is 5 days a week, the rest of the week im non existant....
The search for significance....I think I read that book once....guess it didnt do much good, cuz, im still insignificant....
ok, im done eating worms....maybe tomorrow I will fell better, its MONDAY.
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