Every once in a while

Every once in a while, I feel hope. This is one of the few times!
I have finally plugged into a great Bible study, the ladies are very accepting, and make me feel good about being there, non judgmental, and accepting.
Partner is in rehab, and I really think he is in good counseling. In fact the councilor has taken me in, for counseling also, and, so far has given us two free counseling sessions to ge me involved with "getting better". I also started going to Al-anon, however, I feel less hopeful about going to that group. I will go, and give it a chance, as they said "give us 6 tries, if you don't like us then, we will gladly refund your misery" funny....But...True!
I cant imagine going and sitting listening to them read chapter after chapter in their "blue book"
nothing is more boring to me than, reading, let alone listening to others reading! I will try to get past that, and try to listen and learn, but...I have my doubts!

My job is going well, I have enjoyed living with out partners drunken bouts of belligerence
I wish I could say I miss him, I do, but, I dont. If I were passionately inlove with him it would be different Im sure. I do love him, but, as a brother, which takes me way back to a full circle with my first ex. I might as well have stayed married to him, he was a good man, would have never put me thru the fighting, and drunken stewed fits I have lived with in my last marrage, and now, live in relationship. BUT....I dont know if I could have lived with him forever! I never saw us as an old couple together. I definately could have lived with my 2nd husband the rest of my life, or, at least I think I could have. BUT< I couldnt live with the rejection.
There have been other men in my life, whom I know I could have lived with all my life, but...they didnt want me even longer than 6 weeks. Which brings me to, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Going to the group meetings for rehab, just makes me really want to get into some good counceling, become more self aware, and find out why I have been rejected all my life.
Of course, thru my spiritual training I have had over the years, I know God accepts me just as I am. BUT...I have never felt truly accepted by man of flesh!
Yesterday in counceling, we had to do a "what I like, dont like" about each other.
He found very few things he didnt like about me, infact, he said, he would only change three things.....my self physical care (he doesnt like it that I go to an herbalist instead of medical Dr.
second, he feels I dont have much trust in other humans....GEE I WONDER WHY>?
three, he wishes I could open up more and be more involved with others......WOW...after lving with rejection all my life, I REALLY DOOUBT IM GOING TO OPEN UP ANYTIME SOON!

but, I guess those are achievable goals?
with some decent counceling, maybe, but, when the councelor asked if I had ever gone to counceling, I said, yes, in Wichita, the councelor fell asleep while I was talking to her.....gee, Im that exciting huh?

One thing I know I have to get past if I am to grow where Im planted, is....
how do I learn to accept the fact Im back in the town where I never wanted to be, where I never wanted to "grow old" Where I cant seem to see any possibilities of growing an income, or,
ever becoming financially able to live, instead of just barely surviving.

oooooooooooooooooo kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.....now what?