The Birth of Jack

I should be ashamed of myself, my first grandson was born August 27th
and, i am just now writing about him.
Naughty grandma!

We are not the closest family. As much as I have tried to stay sane, and, give what i could to my children, i feel it was not enough, for they could really care less if i am alive or dead...

No one ever gave of themselves in my childhood, i have very few memories of people giving me love, but, material things...
my memories are in pictures only.
That scares me, because, why dont i remember the act its self?

My children have not cared to talk to me about my life or want to know.
I thuoght i was starting to have a good relationship with my son, but, i guess i shared too much, because he wont answer my phone calls now.
It breaks my heart, to be rejected by my own son, but, what can i do?

I will send him a box of cookies tomorrow, its going to cost over 12.00.
I know that doesnt sound like much, but, it is almost half of my weekly food allowance...

I had money when they were teenagers, but, only after they were out of the house...

, Their dad kept us from having money to do what i wanted, but had plenty to do whta he wanted.
I sacrificed my idea of vacation for his dream of fame in racing.
We never made a lot of money, it barely paid the cost of the event, but, it was our form of "vacationing"
i spent most of the time being drunk, wishing i was enjoying it with out being drunk...
but, sitting around in the dust, bullshitting with people who never had much to say, was not my idea of a vacation.

AFter his mom and dad and two sisters were killed in a car wreck, i left my emotional sanity at the door for a while...

When i came to, i was dead inside, i needed life, i needed guidence
but, i didnt know who to ask for help, i went to the church, they turned me away, i went to mental health venue, and they just took my money

I ran to other mens arms
learned the excitement was at least a feeling....
my friends lived vicariously thru my actions....

I left my childrens dad, with out viewing it thru their eyes, i just tried to hurt them as little as i could. If i stayed with their dad, and stayed dead emotionally, i was going to damage them even more...

I didnt know how to fix what was broken...from the start....
that was back in 1980, i remarried, and divorced after 13 1/2 years also..
now...
Its taken me 10 years to become more aware of my emotional state of being.
and no one to really share it with, other than my live in partner.
We are not passionately in love, but, have so many reasons we are together...
is, no passion, a reason to leave, and, move away from what companionship i have had over the last 7 years?

i am at a cross road once again, trying to figure out if im going to stay, or leave...leave a place i have not wanted to live since 1964...

My grandson....yes, my grandson, will he even know who i am....

little baby Jack, Nanna loves you. I can only hope, you will know who i am to love me back....welcome to the world...even tho its a screwed up mess....
im sorry, i have given you such a family to be in....

love, Nana