For all of you "lost" viewers, here is a great blog with discussion
I have been lost for so long
kind of like being out in the wilderness
trying to fit in all my life
and never quite being there.
I was raised by two people who loved me very much
but, they loved me too much to alow me to learn
the lessons of life I needed to survive.
Life for a spoiled brat is hell on earth
Dont be afraid to give some discipline
with true meaning.
A child who never hears no, with meaning, always plays to find the yes....
Lord Forgive me for being so stuborn.
Hell hath no fury like a fucked up mother....
Lost, why is it I have felt so lost, so left out, so alone, and so unaccepted all of my life, when I actually had parents who loved me, and only wanted the best for me.
Why has my life been so screwed up, and messed up, wandering around in the darkness
feeling like a child in the skin of Helen Keller, who, was one of my few Idols as a child. And look how her blindess gave her sight.
To help the blind see
Being adopted is a gift from God, to a woman who cries at night feeling so empty because her loving arms have nothing to hold, and little to give.
Children who are concieved of lust, uncontrolled sex, out of wedlock, bastard child,
son of a bitch name given, how many names have been called.
How much crying can one child do.....
Going down the road of trying to be that perfect child, the one that was an answer to prayer......giving the best, giving the prayers, giving the thanks,
dedicating the child,
guided to church,
given a choice....
taken away
to a place so not understood
a place full of ritual
words not understood
sometime some where
steps were taken
down a path unknown
Married at 17 to get out of the home, away from all the "love"
no memories are there
other than friends who were desired to have that life
away from the HOME
Everything was given
every desire to please
everything was earned
with goodbehavior and good grades
promises of having that
material gain
Friday, February 26, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Mystery and Passion of the Knights Templars : inTerjeCted
Mystery and Passion of the Knights Templars : inTerjeCted
as I have said many times before Im an open book,
ill probably be hung out to dry with things I say here but no one reads it anyway so
......
I think the web is a good place for people to meet up online
find those who are of the same thought
sameness, a world in search of who
what and when
is the hobbit
the continuation of the story of.....
as I have said many times before Im an open book,
ill probably be hung out to dry with things I say here but no one reads it anyway so
......
I think the web is a good place for people to meet up online
find those who are of the same thought
sameness, a world in search of who
what and when
is the hobbit
the continuation of the story of.....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
bEing a gRandparent
If ever there was a day I needed to have my grandkids here it was today.
Im thankful they were able to come stay.
Im afraid my g'daughter is too bored, but yet she seems to have a good time....
I try to engage her into conversation but she doesnt seem interested in anything I want to talk to her about and when I ask her questions she rarely has an answer, nor aability to talk to me about it. She is 9, and has been sheltered her entire life
I was the same way, and I rebeled and paid the price for it. I dont want to see her end up the same way, her mom didnt want to listen to me, why would a granddaughter want to either. Her mom did turn out good but she had to follow the route I took and have her consequences hit her in the face. I have had them hit me in the face many times. However, I do not know what I did to deserve most of the times I have been hit. I would gladly admit, and ask for forgiveness If someone would come forth and convict me of my sins, so I could move on. There are plenty of mistakes I have made which were of my own doing but there were so many others that I do not believe were mine. such as the death of 4 lovely people who were taken out of our lives when we probably needed them the most....wiped out in a second....
wiping out more than their lives but our whole family, by a semi, taking them out and damaging many others. If I could just understand why.....Its not for us to know at this time, but some how someday, I hope to understand why it all had to happen.
Most of the persons I have loved in my life have died, and it makes me sad, to know that the one who has had some of the most influence in my life died Thursday. I have to face the fact that I didnt go visit her in the nursing home because of my own pain of seeing her there, and loosing so many others before her I just couldnt deal with going and seeing her slipping away ......Pauline.....please forgive me.....
Im thankful they were able to come stay.
Im afraid my g'daughter is too bored, but yet she seems to have a good time....
I try to engage her into conversation but she doesnt seem interested in anything I want to talk to her about and when I ask her questions she rarely has an answer, nor aability to talk to me about it. She is 9, and has been sheltered her entire life
I was the same way, and I rebeled and paid the price for it. I dont want to see her end up the same way, her mom didnt want to listen to me, why would a granddaughter want to either. Her mom did turn out good but she had to follow the route I took and have her consequences hit her in the face. I have had them hit me in the face many times. However, I do not know what I did to deserve most of the times I have been hit. I would gladly admit, and ask for forgiveness If someone would come forth and convict me of my sins, so I could move on. There are plenty of mistakes I have made which were of my own doing but there were so many others that I do not believe were mine. such as the death of 4 lovely people who were taken out of our lives when we probably needed them the most....wiped out in a second....
wiping out more than their lives but our whole family, by a semi, taking them out and damaging many others. If I could just understand why.....Its not for us to know at this time, but some how someday, I hope to understand why it all had to happen.
Most of the persons I have loved in my life have died, and it makes me sad, to know that the one who has had some of the most influence in my life died Thursday. I have to face the fact that I didnt go visit her in the nursing home because of my own pain of seeing her there, and loosing so many others before her I just couldnt deal with going and seeing her slipping away ......Pauline.....please forgive me.....
Monday, January 11, 2010
Time moves faster
I cannot believe it has been so long since I posted on my blog, it used to be my daily diary of such. Maybe since there is no feedback, no body checking in with me, that I lost interest of writing but nonetheless im back. I had some trouble logging in guess it has been a long while since I have been here!
After 10 years of divorce, and now, Two NewYears days have gone by since my ex moved back in, needing a place to live since he basically screwed up his life so well, he has no place else to stay. He was here things went great till June the first year, then it all fell apart in one simple sentence. Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back......I did, and it was over, the bliss we had lived with for 5 months, it was over in one quick swift moment.
Two years have passed, he has come and gone many times in those two years, but, he keeps coming back, and I keep taking him back. What is it all about, I dont have a clue, but I do know we are getting along well, knowing we care for each other, and both need each other.
Situations have come up that neither of us could control, and life seemed to just bulldoze its way to bring us back together pushing and pulling until the wave of surrender came from with in. Ok now, Lord we are back together but for what purpose?
Our interests are so different, we seem to have nothing in common, and knowing each other as well as we do, there doesnt seem to be a lot to talk about. What is the purpose for relationships, other than to have a soft place to fall when we are in need?
Life goes on at a pace somedays I cant keep up with, other days, slower than mollasses and try swimming thru that for a change!
till the next post, who knows what will bring me back, but, i do wish there was another out there to connect with, isnt that what the soul searches for continually?
After 10 years of divorce, and now, Two NewYears days have gone by since my ex moved back in, needing a place to live since he basically screwed up his life so well, he has no place else to stay. He was here things went great till June the first year, then it all fell apart in one simple sentence. Have you ever said something that you wish you could take back......I did, and it was over, the bliss we had lived with for 5 months, it was over in one quick swift moment.
Two years have passed, he has come and gone many times in those two years, but, he keeps coming back, and I keep taking him back. What is it all about, I dont have a clue, but I do know we are getting along well, knowing we care for each other, and both need each other.
Situations have come up that neither of us could control, and life seemed to just bulldoze its way to bring us back together pushing and pulling until the wave of surrender came from with in. Ok now, Lord we are back together but for what purpose?
Our interests are so different, we seem to have nothing in common, and knowing each other as well as we do, there doesnt seem to be a lot to talk about. What is the purpose for relationships, other than to have a soft place to fall when we are in need?
Life goes on at a pace somedays I cant keep up with, other days, slower than mollasses and try swimming thru that for a change!
till the next post, who knows what will bring me back, but, i do wish there was another out there to connect with, isnt that what the soul searches for continually?
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Amazing feet
This video just totally amazes me at the cleverness of a silly ole bird
when we humans who have "brains" and "God"Given smarts
to stay in the disabling behavior of
war and killing
and not see past into the love of thy neighbor
this bird not only figured out he had a tool to get what he wanted
but knew to minpulate the tool so he could use the tool to get what he wanted...
i have watched this over and over and it just continualy amazes me
and he used his feet
walking
takes us everywhere
but at a much slower pace
Life is full of challenges right now
who....are we listening to
to find out way out of the darkness we have fallen into?
use your "feet"
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Passion and desire lost me
I have tried to write with passion and desire
But alas it is not there
It has been stollen away, killed and trashed
Come to me love and passion who has gone away
Fleeting and fluttering only reminders of
Something so beautful giving a reason of living
Remind me of what once flowed thru my veins
And made my heart beat
Give me the lust that brought excitement into
My every means of being
Take the webs of death away
Bring back the spring of lush and beautiful life
Take the sadness out of my heart
Sweep away the dust that has formed around the doors
And windows of my soul
Spring forth what has fallen back
Pick me up and shove me on
Remind me of what once was so easy
Bring me back to the days of my youth
Only to find that the doors have become
Much more heavy with regret and sorrow
Take away those desires to reminise in the past
Give me something to look into
Bring me into the future
Giving me smiles and laughter
Shoving everything out to make room for the new
But alas it is not there
It has been stollen away, killed and trashed
Come to me love and passion who has gone away
Fleeting and fluttering only reminders of
Something so beautful giving a reason of living
Remind me of what once flowed thru my veins
And made my heart beat
Give me the lust that brought excitement into
My every means of being
Take the webs of death away
Bring back the spring of lush and beautiful life
Take the sadness out of my heart
Sweep away the dust that has formed around the doors
And windows of my soul
Spring forth what has fallen back
Pick me up and shove me on
Remind me of what once was so easy
Bring me back to the days of my youth
Only to find that the doors have become
Much more heavy with regret and sorrow
Take away those desires to reminise in the past
Give me something to look into
Bring me into the future
Giving me smiles and laughter
Shoving everything out to make room for the new
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