the ho in town

Im sure by now my neighbors think of me as a real ho, when I moved in with my business partner, "house mate" and with him not being my husband but a business partner and sleeping in his own room.

KNowing that this is a very moral, Christian town, I am truly surprised that anyone has even spoken to me moving back unmarried, livin with the ole partner...drunken partner at that...

My relatives have never been real close since my childhood. I had my favorite cousins, the ones who were closest to my age, but once we all got married and had families, we have drifted apart. So many things have happened during those years, so many heart breaks, looses, and joys unshared....we barely know each other anylonger.

Working jobs that required me to work weekends over the past 30 years has also kept me from having a lot of friendships, other than a few people met at churches, but now treat me like an aquaintence more than anything else.

My children were raised by my ex, and myself with shared custody, but, "dad" got to take the kids on vacations, and do the fun stuff together because he had the money. I worked 15 hours a day to keep bread on the tables....so there was little time to go do the fun stuff.....and...at that time i was married to an alcoholic who, never wanted to do the fun stuff wth us....so, most probably i opted to work so i had another excuse not to go?
None the less, my kids dont have alot to do with me. My son lives in Colorado, and has not been home for 3 years, and he rarely calls. My birthday in July was the last time he called me. I have called him 3 times, but trying to not call him today. My daughter lives 21 minutes away, and is too busy to even call.

She is on the outs with me right now anyway because I dont live the good christian life that she thinks i should. Im the one who drove her to church every Sunday, not wanting to go, but I was demanding of her to go.
and, now, I have failed in her eyes because I have choosen to live with my partner, and be unmarried. (more on this later)

During the time of our BBQ buisness being up and running, we were working 7 days a week, and trying to keep things afloat. His mentally ill brother came to stay with us, so, then, here I was living with two men in my home, in none sexual relationships...does that make me a bad person?

Now, 3 years later, I find myself, no longer living with my partner and his brother, partner left to go live in a homeless shelter with a year long program for addicts, giving them an 87% chance of recovery. That is so much more than the 10% chance of recover that most multi thousand dollar "recovery centers" give a person.
His brother finally got on medication and is living on his own. To which I am very thankful for both men to be doing what they need to be doing instead of living off of me.

3 months before the partner took off for washington, in walks my Ex. Someone whom I have loved with all my heart for so long, but life took us in different directions and I had to take a different direction 10 years ago. We were broght back together by circumstances I could have never arranged. And, right at the time that my partner decided to make the move to Washington, so it was not like i kicked him out to get my ex in.

The first two months were hell. He could not accept having another man living in the house, and even tho we-partner and myself tried to make him feel as comfortable as we could. He was gone alot of the time spending time with his old drug buddies in the big city, then come home in a terrible mood. It would take him 3-4 days to become human again, and he would go back and it would start all over again.....the third month, toward the end of the month, my partner left for his journey to Washington state.

Enter the 4th month of living together again for the first time in 10 years ...Wen he first walked back into my life after 5 years of divorce, I could not believe how wonderful it was to have him back in my life, I had forgotten what it felt like to be held by him he hugged me when e walked into the door, and OMG, I melted again. IT was like we had first met. The electric spark was so strong I wanted to push him to the floor and pull off his clothes and have wild wonderful sex right there with him. But...my daughter, son-inlaw, granddaughter and house parter and his brother were all sitting at the table, so, figured it might not be a good idea!

Living with that reminder.....house mate and I had tried to have sex a few times but it just was nothing there, no spark what so ever...so, neither of us could bring ourselves to even try again. So, it was a life with a man with out sex. Those feelings were gone, for what I thought forever.
Oh it felt like an explosion to feel "turned on" again!!!!!

So, now backing up a bit, to have my ex back ino my life now, knowing that the old "spark" is still there....I knew, I was doomed....to live a life with no sex, and no physical action as long as I was with my partner.
Did, in fact...I create what happened next?

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What is the meaning of it .....life....why....how...when....

How is it that life just seems to be....
nothing less, nothing more...
does anyone else feel as tho their life has been meaningless, and empty?
I have tried to live a purpose filled life, but.... forgive me Lord, for I cannot see....
forgive me Lord, for I cannot hear...

Having my ex come back into my life after a 10 year vacation from each other was/has been a wonderful experience...but...what is the purpose?
What is the meaning of it all?

My partner of 7 1/2 years, left to go to Washington State to get into a year long program for addicts, and the weekend before he was to be entered into the program his sister is killed in a motorcycle accident...what is the purpose of it....
what is the reason for living...
why...do we have to have so many bad things happen....

what is all of the chaos in our life all about?

I came to bring peace, and love and acceptance, but have only seen pain, missery and ......


Days go by so fast, from one paycheck to the next, never getting any further ahead... never finding a way out of the town i grew up in. Never seeing the dreams or hopes fullfilled..

People like Oprah say we make our own destiny...that is full BULLSHIT...

Would someone please tell me...why...how...when....

I have always believed in the reasoning things happen for a reason, God has a plan, life has meaning, but the older i get the less i can hang on to those believes....and, it saddens me to think perhaps, its just all bogus...

one big lie?

Have I lived a lie all my life
full of deceptions and fake meanings...?

is anyone out there?
oh how i wish, i could make contact....

im so tired of feeling like an alien...

Its been over a month now

Since my partner left, and, being in the same home as my ex, life has taken some interesting turns. It seems having the house to himself, with out the presence of another man, now, he has put his own touches on life. Cleaned out the garage, cleaned out the office, cleaned out the room i allowed him to live in. He has helped me move furniture around in living room, and helped make the house become more liveable....it is interesting to see how he has changed. His car is not running, and he has no money to fix it, so....im not sure if it is because he has no form of transportation to run to his other friends, or, because he really wants to be here.
BUT....life is incredible right now. It just feels right....
for the first time in 10 years since our divorce, do i feel like im finally in the right place at the right time, and feeling like life is worth living once again.
He is still unable to voice his likes and dislikes, and unable to vocalize any emotions, but.....we are fitting in many ways that count :)

I have had to become totally unvocalizing, not give him my 2cents worth, and keep my feelings to my self, which has been a real struggle. I have written him emails, he reads them, but will not talk to me about them. In some twisted way this seems to be working. For the first time in our life together which goes back to 1980, we are finally learning to communicate.

I fell in love (lust) with him the moment i saw him. I was in a misserable marriage, where life had failed to thrive. With the loss of our family members father inlaw, mother inlaw, and two sister inlaws, in 1978, which was 30 years ago on May 15th this year. My first marriage died. My children grew up not even knowing much about the wreck, about thier grandparents and aunts who died in that tradgic accident.
I tried to teach them and talk to them about it but they didnt want to talk to me about it, so, I carried the pain of loss and grief in hope that one day they would ask questions. When my dad died in 2003, the first drawer i opened was in the dinning room buffet, and there was a newspaper article about the wreck. My kids and I sat down and talked about it then, and not since.
At, the time of the wreck, my ex shut me out, the only thing we could communicate thru was our sex life, and it was nill.....

In 1980, I was working a dead end job, in a burger joint, and trying to keep a home going with two small children. My needs and wants were two seperate things, and they took over my life. I can see now how selfish i became, and how empty I was, but, one thing that kept me going was a need to be wanted....and needed...

I soon found myself seperated from my husband I had married when I was 17, still a Sr. in highschool. He was 21 and just out of the Army. What did either of us know about marriage, and love? What did we know about keeping a marriage going. After his parents deaths, we went to a grief support group, or I should say, we went one night....I finsihed the sessions, but he didnt. It was very healing for me, since I had fallen into a deep depression because of the pain, and emptiness their deaths had brought into our lives. I was no longer needed, I no longer knew how to communicate with my husband, and no longer felt loved or wanted. Since I had skipped the dating scene by getting married to my highschool love, I started to go out at night with friends to the bars. I began searching for love in all the wrong places, and funny thing, that was the song at the time too...i should have listened!

My journey has been a rough ride, my trip has not been full of joy and enjoyment, but, it has been my ride, my trip, and my journey.
I do not fit into the mold of the good christian girl from Kansas, in fact, i would most probably be considered the samaritan girl at the well..

But Jesus has been my guide, my sourse of light to keep me going, even tho, my path has been in darkness many days. I knew, there had to be hope for change, vision for a future, and knowledge that life wold not always be hell.

I left my husband for a lover, the one i fell in lust with in 1980. After 1 1/2 years of seperation from husband, i divorced him. I can still remember the night he came over to my home, after we had talked on the phone and decided we did not want a divorce. He showed up...and the first thing he did was try to get me into bed, I pushed him away, and said...no, its not going to work...im sorry its over. I want the divorce. We filed and with in the next few months it was over, I never turned back or wished it would not have happened. We always have continued to be friends for the childrens sake. He always paid his child support and always took his turn with the kids. I am sorry the kids had to suffer thru divorce, and the pain of havng terrible step mothers and a drunken step dad.... but they survived and are great kids.
And, have survived emotionally to grow into Great adults, and parents...

Back to 1980, my lust lover....
We continued to build our life together. We married in 1982 (i dont even remember what year...)
We lived in an old victorian house. Raised my two kids with many nights of him being drunk and not able to fullfill promises of going to movies, outings etc....kids grew up with a drunken step father. He could have been a GREAT step dad, but, he chose to fight it, saying "they have a dad, they dont need me...." he was wrong, they did need him, and it is sad he didnt take the time to really try....they have forgiven him....I can only hope, healing will take place fully in the future.

I needed him, and I thought he needed me, but no matter what, we always fit physically at the end of the day going into the night....

Our fight for what?
I knew he was an alcoholic, and knew he had problems communicating with his mom, she had emotionally abused him as a child, and, all i wanted to do was see him healed and walk thru all of those childhood pains.
After being married for a short time, I realized the problem was bigger than i ever imagined, it soon became my passion to see him sober, and walking upright thru his addictions. I had not been in a church for over 7 years, after the death of my inlaws, and the church not reaching out to us, I walked away from their fellowship.

I soon realized how big the problem was, involving drugs, and days of him being gone, not knowing wheere he had gone who his friends were, nothing about his life. I wanted so much to be a part of his life, and he be a part of mine, but...he was running...and I was running after him....

I spent 14 1.2 years running after him....we inherited a lot of money from his fathers death. His mom had kept him from his father by saying he had died....he was 6 when his "father died" she spent the rest of those years lying and keeping him in the dark on his dads disapearance.
When the craziness became so bad, I called his brother who at that time was finishing up his college life of becoming a shrink....I thought if anyone could help ,it might be him. After speaking on the phone for a short while, I dont remember the conversation, but, I found out his father was not dead, he was very much alive, and, his first cousin had played organ for his brothers wedding, and no one had even cared to tell my husband ....
how insensitive to him.

Now After 10 years of seperation from the family and from him i can see how horrible they have been to him over the years, no wonder he wants nothing to do with them, and I pushed him to make amends!
For this I am so sorry!!!!

We did in fact find his dad ,and it was the best 6 years of our marriage. He quit drinking, he was sober, and he had a relationship with his dad. We traveled to KC to see him quite often and, when he died, he left us buco bucks!

Phase two of our marriage. We had money....we spent money....we lost money....his drug addiction took us down a road I did not know, did not understand, and did not know how to fight...I left....

We divorced in 1998, and had not seen each other until 3 years ago when he showed up on my door step after getting out of prison. Oh GOD he looked oh so good, buff, fit, and oh so wonderful to have his arms around me once again. Oh how I had missed him, loved him, and lost him.....
It was Thanksgiving day, dinner with my kids, and, he showed up....
My partner accepted him coming into the house, my kids accepted him coming to dinner, and, life was good. Oh so good to have him back...the one i had loved with all my heart and soul...was back into my life....

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It has been along three weeks.

My partner left on the 21st of March, I had looked forward to him leaving so I would not have to baby sit for him anylonger, and, be able to "relate" to the ex....all the while, thinking it was because Partner was in the house that the ex would not talk to me.....but....found out, he just really hates being in the same house as me. He has not worked for 4 weeks now, and, been home only one or two days during any given week.
The one week he stayed home for 2-3 days, it takes him 3 days to become human again. We have shared a few crumbs of niceness between each other, but, I know its not enough to want it to be more for him I guess.
I get so angry at myself because I try so hard to get his attention, and all I do is become desperate, and push him further away.....
What is wrong with me?

Why is it so difficult to make friends with the males in my life?
As long as I gave sex, they had interest, but they gave nothing to keep the sex life exciting, so, I lost interest. Loosing interest, gave way to complacency, in my own actions, and believes.

I have forgiven them over and over for the way they have rejected me, and have asked for their forgiveness.....but they NEVER ask for mine!

So, its time to move on... a new chapter in my life without the two men who have hurt me so much. Actually Three....or....Four....if i go back to the beginning, it was my father who ultimatly hurt me....
but yeat i only have foundness for my daddy....

but why...do i have such a bad emotional being....such bad relationships....

why cant i relate......


I want to hate them so much, but....i cant.....why not.....

and why......

Partner is gone....we can only talk on phone once a week, and text once in a while. I miss him terribly, but If i talk to him more than a once a week....we will not stick with our plan of being apart a year, and alowing us both healing.

Things are so much more strange with the ex now, and I would honestly never recomend anyone living wiht their ex...its just too difficult to face the failure of marriage everyday...the desire of wishing it was still workable....
the pain of knowing its over, but having to be with him when he is around, and when he is not around the apain of knowing he wants to be with others....and not me....

It has been along three weeks.