It seems there is a definate battle, making one wonder if anyone else seems to notice all things work together. There are days that nothing seems to matter, everyone just moves in and out of my life but there is no notification of being here or there, just doing their own thing.
BUT, what if, there is organization to the caos?
What if we are put here for a reason, each day a piece of that reason is revealed, and we can only hope to see the whole picture after its put together? What if we are all on a Carnivale, on a ride thru life, to find the missing piece's
Does it just happen that one picks up a stranger off of the roads?
Is it just a happening that the carnivale, has a seer, has a profit, has a knower of all things.....
and the stranger is to put the pieces together?
The tree, what is with the tree.....
the "profit" preacher, notice i didnt say "Prophet" preacher says his first word he learned in English Bible was GARDEN.....
he has the tree tattooed on his body , the tree Ben sees in his dreams, in his life, in his wonderings.....
His radio message reaches more in a second than all of Jesus Christ in his whole life time
What is his message?
His thoughts about salt, is it a curse from above? Salt comes down our faces in labor as sweat
Salt is a leach which sucks out the land, or, Salt is something to season our foods, white and pure, does it increase our vision of GOD?
Is this preacher cursed, or blessed?
As the old preacher who raised him and his sister watched in paralized wonder, the profit preacher, sins in front of his paralized father. He had a stroke from earlier on while trying to speak out the words that he felt the preacher is possessed.
Why does he feel this guy is possessed? How does he see the darkness in his soul?
As the old preacher sits in his chair, and watches, the profit preacher, looks to see if he is being watched, then, continues to spill his milk, and, brings the maid in to clean up the mess, and asks if her mother taught her how to pray, as he puts her head into his crotch............
She is the willing worker wanting to make her master happy.....
Has everything we have been taught about good and evil, in front of us or blurred visions
God Talked to Adam, Adam didnt understand how to communicate with his GOD?
Was woman the go between?
Has woman been disrespected because she wished to love her GOD, and Worship her God, and communicate, and dance with GOD?
As we go thru life, there are those around us who give and take, we give and take, if it is done as a dance between two people it is communication, if we jolt, and revolt, it is caos....
As we see those around us who have sinned, or led lives we judge to be not normal in our own standards, does it make them bad, sinners? Dont we all do what we have to do to survive?
Are there not times when we walk on the dark side to get to the lighted highways?
As a man pulls Ben out of his truck telling him he has something to show him, Ben gets out and sees his abnormal daughter standing at the truck, the old man tells Ben, she is retarded and wont tell anyone, $2.00 take her on the back of the truck, she is good and tight.....
Ben is in discust, but, sees the need in the old man to sell his daughter for what little money he can get for them to survive..... Ben holds the old mans head, wants to spit in his face, but, instead turns to love and understanding and tells him to not do it anymore, the old man in repentance cries, I wont.....I wont do it anymore....and leaves....
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Sunday, January 02, 2005
soul searching
I came to FloriDUHH to do some soul searching, only to find out it is totally lost....how, do I find it?
horrific disaster
The tsunami came with out warning, it took hundreds of thousands of people along with it, leaving total devistation in the Asian side of the world.
People are donating money and volunteering their services like never before. But, then, we have never seen such a dissaster as this before.
I cant help but wonder, If this had happened to the atlantic coast of America, or, Pacific coast of America would the world reach out in the same manner?
My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, the mothers whose arms are empty for lost children, not one, but maybe two, maybe several all gone in a amoment of unforgivable and unforgettable time.
For children who cry for their momma's or pappa's, or both, gone, never having a chance to grow up under their parents love and concern.
Tourists who went to live a few days of paradise, now, living in the hell of perhaps a loved one who will never go home with them, or, never knowing exactly what has happened to them, their bodies buried in open pits, pushed asside in a trench by a bulldozer, or, put aflame to burn away the stench. Or even perhaps, floated away to a long distance land, to be washed up on a far off island, or even worse. Oh death where is thy sting.....
Where is God in all of this?
Is this but a test to see how human kindness comes out and gives of their hearts to unknown people, giving of their time, money, food, and labor? Are we being tested but once again to give rather than to take? To bring peace between warring countries but even for a moments time, to give a helping hand instead of killing each other?
For a nation to put aside their desires to rule over another, or push their belief's upon those who do not wish to accept them? Showing a power of one God over another?
Where is the logic in life, where is the completeness of putting a puzzle together which has no common border only blood which runs red no matter what color the skin?
Is it natures way of bringing third world countries into the for ground of need, to bring the countries who are higher in rank down to their level.....loosing loved ones is the most common ground one can come together in, if war does not show that, then, must nature?
Oh so many questions and no answers for I am only one, who has no shadow in life I live alone, unnoticed, with no voice or light to guide me or my thoughts, always alone.
People are donating money and volunteering their services like never before. But, then, we have never seen such a dissaster as this before.
I cant help but wonder, If this had happened to the atlantic coast of America, or, Pacific coast of America would the world reach out in the same manner?
My heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones, the mothers whose arms are empty for lost children, not one, but maybe two, maybe several all gone in a amoment of unforgivable and unforgettable time.
For children who cry for their momma's or pappa's, or both, gone, never having a chance to grow up under their parents love and concern.
Tourists who went to live a few days of paradise, now, living in the hell of perhaps a loved one who will never go home with them, or, never knowing exactly what has happened to them, their bodies buried in open pits, pushed asside in a trench by a bulldozer, or, put aflame to burn away the stench. Or even perhaps, floated away to a long distance land, to be washed up on a far off island, or even worse. Oh death where is thy sting.....
Where is God in all of this?
Is this but a test to see how human kindness comes out and gives of their hearts to unknown people, giving of their time, money, food, and labor? Are we being tested but once again to give rather than to take? To bring peace between warring countries but even for a moments time, to give a helping hand instead of killing each other?
For a nation to put aside their desires to rule over another, or push their belief's upon those who do not wish to accept them? Showing a power of one God over another?
Where is the logic in life, where is the completeness of putting a puzzle together which has no common border only blood which runs red no matter what color the skin?
Is it natures way of bringing third world countries into the for ground of need, to bring the countries who are higher in rank down to their level.....loosing loved ones is the most common ground one can come together in, if war does not show that, then, must nature?
Oh so many questions and no answers for I am only one, who has no shadow in life I live alone, unnoticed, with no voice or light to guide me or my thoughts, always alone.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
something weird
I have been having the weirdest dreams lately, perhaps is only because im rested enough to actually wake up and remember them, or, before I was way too tired to dream??????
Last night was the most incredable one in which my inlaws came to me, which have been dead since 1978, my mother inlaw whom I loved very much, came to me, and hugged me, "I told her thru tears, Oh I have missed you so very much,"and she said," and I have missed you too"
I could see my father inlaw stading to the side, and, earlier I had my sister inlaw in a dream in which I asked her to sell my book, with her mothers german mennonite name, and I was going to set up down the street and try to sell the same book with my dads german name, it was a race to see who could sell the most books!
Then, I saw us all at Harper in the dining room this is where my mother inlaw came in and hugged me.
Since 1978, I have only seen her once in my dreams it was fleeting, this one was so real, I could feel her, I cried I was so happy to see them, I turned to hug Kathy, and, I woke up.
I was sad because I didnt get to see Lisa, why did I have this dream?
It just seems so bizzarre to me since I have not even thought of them for weeks.
My dreams are never very clear, and I very seldom remember them when I wake up, nor, do I recognize faces.
It just makes me wonder what it all means.
We both got jobs today, nothing at all what we had hoped for, I didnt waant to go back into food service, but, it was my first application I put out, and, got hired on the spot, she is going to work us into management asap. Guess she was desperate!
We are still going to hold out for the big job Rob is trying to get, but, wont know till after Christmas.
Nothing other than that, still trying to reinvent myself, but, damned hard to do on my own, especially when I have to fight depression.
I wish I could get on one of those shows like starting over, or, Dr Phil Or Oprah.
my life sux big time.
BUT, if you look at all I have done, most people envy me!
If they only knew how much of a slug I am, no life out side, and, no excitement, no love life, no social life, just moving alot.
How do people make thier life work, make money, have social lives, and happy homes?
Do I want too much?
such is life,
merry Christmas, in what ever way we can find it.
:)
Last night was the most incredable one in which my inlaws came to me, which have been dead since 1978, my mother inlaw whom I loved very much, came to me, and hugged me, "I told her thru tears, Oh I have missed you so very much,"and she said," and I have missed you too"
I could see my father inlaw stading to the side, and, earlier I had my sister inlaw in a dream in which I asked her to sell my book, with her mothers german mennonite name, and I was going to set up down the street and try to sell the same book with my dads german name, it was a race to see who could sell the most books!
Then, I saw us all at Harper in the dining room this is where my mother inlaw came in and hugged me.
Since 1978, I have only seen her once in my dreams it was fleeting, this one was so real, I could feel her, I cried I was so happy to see them, I turned to hug Kathy, and, I woke up.
I was sad because I didnt get to see Lisa, why did I have this dream?
It just seems so bizzarre to me since I have not even thought of them for weeks.
My dreams are never very clear, and I very seldom remember them when I wake up, nor, do I recognize faces.
It just makes me wonder what it all means.
We both got jobs today, nothing at all what we had hoped for, I didnt waant to go back into food service, but, it was my first application I put out, and, got hired on the spot, she is going to work us into management asap. Guess she was desperate!
We are still going to hold out for the big job Rob is trying to get, but, wont know till after Christmas.
Nothing other than that, still trying to reinvent myself, but, damned hard to do on my own, especially when I have to fight depression.
I wish I could get on one of those shows like starting over, or, Dr Phil Or Oprah.
my life sux big time.
BUT, if you look at all I have done, most people envy me!
If they only knew how much of a slug I am, no life out side, and, no excitement, no love life, no social life, just moving alot.
How do people make thier life work, make money, have social lives, and happy homes?
Do I want too much?
such is life,
merry Christmas, in what ever way we can find it.
:)
Thursday, December 09, 2004
where do we go from here?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF OUR LIVES?????
I have been watching Starting Over only the past two days, sure wish I could go on that show, let them beat me into a new person!!!
What is it that is holding us back from doing what we want to do?
What is it that is holding us back from succeeding?
How do we get from there to here and from here to there?
You have had goals, I have had goals, both of us seem to have feelings of failure, in who's eyes?
in our own eyes?
in others eyes?
What do we need to do to get past the point of dissatisfaction in our everyday life?
I guess Im here in Florida to make me totally stripped of everything I have held as a "goal" in life, only knowing what I had in front of me as "successfull" people, wanting a life that I saw them living and wanting to have that lifestyle in front of me.
Now, I am here where people have little life left, short in years, and, what are they doing with their life?
sitting at home watching tv??? seems like it
shopping in low scale franchise stores like, Dollor General.....seems like it...
Working part time jobs to suppliment their small retirements which they either didnt prepare wisely for, or, life just dealt them a shorter version of success than what they had hoped for.
none the less....it SUCKS being here...and, I KNOW<>
Im angry, at the Mall, I feel they stripped me of my "nest egg"
Im angry at myself, for allowing them to do it to me, not standing up to them a year ago when I was asking out of my lease and they didnt respond.
Im angry at the Newton people for not supporting my business as much as I felt they would.
and Im angry at my employees for letting me down, feeling I was a good boss to them, but, they couldnt find it in themselves to do things to help boost our business, like asking friends to come eat there, doing things like being "extra" to the customers...
There is nothign this anger can do but distroy me from inside, so, my work is to let go of it...
but, what do I do with it?
My Christian up bringing says, {pray, give it to God)
THEN WHAT!!!!
move on....to WHERE?
I read stories of people who were on the last leg of finances, of, hope, of, deperation, and, boom, out of the blue something comes out of the sky and points them in the right direction....
am, I being so naive that would ever happen to me?
I dont want to be the woman who gives up all hope and just accepts life as it is meant to be....working in Dollar General as a sales clerk, but, looks like that is what it is going to end up being.
Im ready to head back to Kansas, if I accept employment in Florida, I have to get a florida drivers license, which means, I dont have all the paper work to get one. All my papers are back at Newton in safety box, or......who knows where!
BUT<>
On Starting Over today, the girl who is 27, and basically, in same shoes as me, except younger, was put into a cage, and left with "keys" she had to write on each key, why she ended up in cage, and, a way, action, to get out....she was there ALL DAY, finally ended up screaming and crying, and begging to get out, the leader told her she was a spoiled brat!!! (OUCH)
The finaly piece of the key was to go back and make ammends to all who she had hurt, and put into ridicule once she accepted that, the leader put her out on probation, with her terms being she had to list 9 people whom she had to make ammends to.....
Im sure I have probably hurt people, but, for the life of me, if I have not asked for forgiveness already, they are not in my mind of who they might be....so, not sure that was my missing key....but, HOW do I find out?
Saturday, December 04, 2004
lacking of vision and purpose
i just lack vision in my life, never really having a purpose. my passion went into the bbq, and, now, i feel totally with out passion, or vision. I know, we are to keep our eyes upon jesus, but, when i havent even really seen Jesus, it is hard to keep my eyes on someone I dont relaly know. i only know him thru what i have learned in church, reading, and knowing people like you, and dreiers, I have my own believes, but, they are so far off from anything I have been taught. Sometimes i just feel as tho im a total alien. If i were to really say what is in my heart and my thoughts, you nor anyone else would have anything to do with me. you have listened to my weird wayout ideas, and been so kind...but sometimes, i just feel so totally out there. maybe i need some drug, anti depressent, or something to keep my feet on ground...haha i know i came to florida for a reason, and, im BOUND AND DETERMINDED TO FIGURE OUT WHY!!! cuz this place really SUX! even more than NEWTON if that is beleivable, but, .....at least it has made me appreciate Newton! for its weirdness....it is far better than this place! Just have not figured out how to make a living....nothing appeals to me, and, being my own boss just doesnt work.... working a dead end job taking money from customers all day seems to be about the only thing around here that will hire me, so, i guess if im going to be a zombie, i need an easy way of just standing there taking money all day.... ARGH! boy am i doing a good job or what! just my ranting....
Some nights are better than others, just depends on the frame of mind im in, the spirit of things.....there, that seems to be the whole matter of fact in anyones life, which spirit is their ruler?
Who rules who?
Religion, I ran from a deeply religious area, hoping to be away from the influence.
The influence of what?
their prejudices, their insecurities, their need to control what they dont understand?
now, being in a land of .....on the highway, life seems normal, like mosst of the united states , but the interior of this state is ruled by the gun, by desires of keeping their own laws, and doing their own thing, but, what is their own thing?
Some nights are better than others, just depends on the frame of mind im in, the spirit of things.....there, that seems to be the whole matter of fact in anyones life, which spirit is their ruler?
Who rules who?
Religion, I ran from a deeply religious area, hoping to be away from the influence.
The influence of what?
their prejudices, their insecurities, their need to control what they dont understand?
now, being in a land of .....on the highway, life seems normal, like mosst of the united states , but the interior of this state is ruled by the gun, by desires of keeping their own laws, and doing their own thing, but, what is their own thing?
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Signs for coming here
I really have been trying to not have to file bank ruptsy, I hope, you realize how difficult it has been.
I wanted to become self sufficient so I wouldnt have to have a man in my life, or, have to depend on anyone else.
I wanted to be able to work for my self, and be self reliant.
I cried out to the Lord to give me wisdom, guidence, and, deliverance unto the path in which he has called me.
The path has been narrow, but wide, no railings and always the chance to fall off.
I have taken the path with no guidence, no early father to show me, and, no person to light my way.
I have cried out to GOD<>
I read the bible with no revealing stance
I beg for Gods love, understanding, and healing.
I plead for HIS mercy
I stand before your judgement!!!
In hometown, I felt as I had failed, I could not make a living, I could not hear GOD
I couldnt find life outside of work, and, my children didnt have a chance to learn to know me, nor I got to learn to know them, or, learn to communicate with them.
We have become alienated from each other, and, this trip, being gone from them, Im hoping to be allowed some time on phone, emails, and prayers, to become closer to them.
I asked God for a sign, that we could become better people by leaving, find a way to make a living, and in my heart, had hoped to fall in love with each other.
I love my partner, but, Im not in love with him, nor, is he with me.
I ache for love, I ache to be held, I ache to ache for a man.
Having James here this weekend, awakened those feelings, I so much want to feel love lust, passion again.
If I cant make some changes in my life, I don want to go back to hometown, I dont want to go back, feeling as tho I failed being in Florida.....I HAVE TO FIND A NEW ME<>>>>
I HAVE TO HAVE HELP~!~~~~~
I wanted to become self sufficient so I wouldnt have to have a man in my life, or, have to depend on anyone else.
I wanted to be able to work for my self, and be self reliant.
I cried out to the Lord to give me wisdom, guidence, and, deliverance unto the path in which he has called me.
The path has been narrow, but wide, no railings and always the chance to fall off.
I have taken the path with no guidence, no early father to show me, and, no person to light my way.
I have cried out to GOD<>
I read the bible with no revealing stance
I beg for Gods love, understanding, and healing.
I plead for HIS mercy
I stand before your judgement!!!
In hometown, I felt as I had failed, I could not make a living, I could not hear GOD
I couldnt find life outside of work, and, my children didnt have a chance to learn to know me, nor I got to learn to know them, or, learn to communicate with them.
We have become alienated from each other, and, this trip, being gone from them, Im hoping to be allowed some time on phone, emails, and prayers, to become closer to them.
I asked God for a sign, that we could become better people by leaving, find a way to make a living, and in my heart, had hoped to fall in love with each other.
I love my partner, but, Im not in love with him, nor, is he with me.
I ache for love, I ache to be held, I ache to ache for a man.
Having James here this weekend, awakened those feelings, I so much want to feel love lust, passion again.
If I cant make some changes in my life, I don want to go back to hometown, I dont want to go back, feeling as tho I failed being in Florida.....I HAVE TO FIND A NEW ME<>>>>
I HAVE TO HAVE HELP~!~~~~~
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