something is wrong with this picture, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words
what does this one have to say.....
Sunday, January 23, 2011
True Grit
something is wrong with this picture, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words
what does this one have to say.....
Sunday, January 09, 2011
The Story of Jonah
This little Angle has most probably the BEST story telling skills I have EVER seen!
I would love to listen to her all day, and most probalby get more out of listening to her than all the preachers in my life.
Somehow, I just feel as tho there has been a HUGE piece of the story left out!
I would love to listen to her all day, and most probalby get more out of listening to her than all the preachers in my life.
Somehow, I just feel as tho there has been a HUGE piece of the story left out!
A new year a new beginning
such plause'
It has been three years on new years that my ex moved back in, we had not really seen each other in the 10 years we had been divorced, with him being in prison, and me being in very small town usa, trying to make my millions with my little deli and bbq buisiness. Oh how I loved living there the people were such characters, and I actually found I had a sense of humor, no one had ever laughed at anything I said until I lived there. I was someone, I had followers, I had friends who thought I was "cool" I loved it there!!!! It still brings tears to my eyes that I had to move back to this town where no one, and i MEAN NO ONE has a sense of humor! Even Momma B Uglie cannot get a smile out of them, instead the look of distain and rejection.
My first Halloween back to town and Momma came out hoping to bring some smiles, but instead ended up going to the Dr for anti depressents due to the rejection she recieved on that first day out in the public in home town usa...
back to the day my ex came back, it was Thanksgiving 2005. I had lost my business, closed it down, broken hearted and lost. My business partner was drunker than ever, and not doing well at keeping a job so I could "get my life together"
I had closed the book on our marriage and he had moved on with his life, had a child with a woman he obviously thought much of, as he was not over her yet, but she was not working to keep him or the child in her life, he came home, to me for a family dinner with my kids, his step kids whom he had helped me raise from their ages of 10 and 6, and now, they were adults with their own lives, and a granddaughter, the age of his own son....He ate dinner with us, and when it was time to leave he gave me a hug which I shall never forget, and it drew me right back into the desire I had for him 16 years earlier. OMG that lust we once had was so unbelieveable, one that just never seemed to be fed completely...
April 27, 1997 the day after signing the divorce papers there was a phone call at work, asking for a ticket to Roswell New Mexico, it was going to be very expensive and so the voice at the other end of the phone asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him instead of him going back to New Mexico. Unbelieving he meant it, I said sure, and a date we made....
That date became the marker of what I wanted in life, the man who had brought me such lust, and desire, had been replaced....
I now had someone who made me happier and more fullfilled than ever in my life.
He looked into my eyes, he gave me such desire, he completed me, I was what I wanted to be for the first time in my life, he made me feel like ME, I was completed I was a person desired for me not just sex, and he talked to me, he called me, he gave me self worth....and all in one swift swoop, he took it all away, and left me with out a good bye....left me broken and bleeding as tho I was nothing more than a deer along the road as road kill.....never in my life had I been so happy, and never in my life had I been so destroyed, my heart was broken, my spirit was dead, my life was over....
I lived from July 1997 with no soul, spirit, or heart....Moving to little town usa
to make my millions had been my savior, my heart had some healing with the people there that gave me love, and healing.
10 years of Meeting men online, hoping to find one who could take away that pain of loss, bring back those feelings of self worth, hoping to find that one person who could take the place of the one I loved with all my heart, soul, and spirit...but they were all jerks...all such assholes...nnot one was even close....to my ex...or my mr perfect who was not so perfect....
Much had happened since our last meal in 1997, when I told him it was over, I was going to sign the papers to end our marrage, my lover, husband, became my ex...
and I never looked back....until that Thanksgiving day, here he was back in my home, with my kids, grandkids and we were happy... HE stopped in once in a while to say hi, and came to check on me, and ran back to his other woman off and one, and his many friends over in the next town, where he had his other women friends....
IT became obvious that his life was still out of order, and full of chaos, his son had been lost in a custody battle to foster parents when his own parents would not step up and help him with day care, and once again his life was transgressing on a down hill spiral. IT was not December, and he was needing a place to stay, he had lost his job, had no pay coming in and no place to live.
My buisness partner was on the road to being put out of my home with his drinking being out of control once again, and I had made my line and was finally able to stand on it, tellhim he had to move out....he searched the internet for housing and found a place in the state where his son lived and checked into it, yes, they would take him as a placement, and, yes, my ex could move in....
Having two men in my home, and no sexual contact with either of them, working in a church, wow, was i ever the woman at the well with many husbands as far as the church people thought....It was not a situation I would ever suggest anyone to take on. I loved both men but not sexually, we co-existed and found it rather challenging.
Finally the date came for my business partner to leave on the plane for his son, and a new life in a homeless shelter for addicts, a program to help him clean up and hopefully regain the respect of his own self and others.
I drove him to the air port and put him on the plane, thinking I was going to go join him after a year or two, but, its been three years in March, and even tho i still have the desire to move from this town, I will never rejoin him, may never see him again which does make my heart sad, we did share some very good times together but I could NEVER live with him again...
The business partner was now gone, March 21st...and the sexual tension in the house with my ex and I had become very evident....that night, a kiss turned into much much more....but, it was unfullfilled sex, which opened doors into a relationship which was painful, and full of more hurt....
his trips over to the city, not knowing when he was going to be home, the trust issues. Wanting to please him I found myself giving into his sexual needs, only to find myself desireing more than what he was willing to give me, and found myself turned off, lockig the key to my heart away and not wanting to find it again....
A year of him being in my home, many many fights over his coming and going, he finally left. He had a job, had his own apartment, and I had my home quiet, starting to date once again, and life was starting over once again.....
My job kept me very busy, my dating kept me occupied on weekends, but life sucked more than ever, no one could take the place of the man who had left me so broken and loveless, no one could ever take his place, not even my ex whom I had loved for so many years and yearned to be his one and only. His addictions took my place, he never could love me as much as his addictions and I was always going to be 2nd place.
It was New YEars 2010 once again he found himself without a home, with no job, and needing a place to live, and, once again, I let him back in...
this time there was hummility and some form of respect that he had messed up his life, and needed me once again, and, I needed him more than I had ever realized.
We....needed each other for more than just the sex we had enjoyed in our younger years....
Now it seems fitting that our first real date was on new years eve in 1981
we have made it thru many dark times, and
2011 finally joy is in our life....we do not share a sexual bond, but possibly for the first time, we are FRIENDS!!! yes, it is going to be a good year....
It has been three years on new years that my ex moved back in, we had not really seen each other in the 10 years we had been divorced, with him being in prison, and me being in very small town usa, trying to make my millions with my little deli and bbq buisiness. Oh how I loved living there the people were such characters, and I actually found I had a sense of humor, no one had ever laughed at anything I said until I lived there. I was someone, I had followers, I had friends who thought I was "cool" I loved it there!!!! It still brings tears to my eyes that I had to move back to this town where no one, and i MEAN NO ONE has a sense of humor! Even Momma B Uglie cannot get a smile out of them, instead the look of distain and rejection.
My first Halloween back to town and Momma came out hoping to bring some smiles, but instead ended up going to the Dr for anti depressents due to the rejection she recieved on that first day out in the public in home town usa...
back to the day my ex came back, it was Thanksgiving 2005. I had lost my business, closed it down, broken hearted and lost. My business partner was drunker than ever, and not doing well at keeping a job so I could "get my life together"
I had closed the book on our marriage and he had moved on with his life, had a child with a woman he obviously thought much of, as he was not over her yet, but she was not working to keep him or the child in her life, he came home, to me for a family dinner with my kids, his step kids whom he had helped me raise from their ages of 10 and 6, and now, they were adults with their own lives, and a granddaughter, the age of his own son....He ate dinner with us, and when it was time to leave he gave me a hug which I shall never forget, and it drew me right back into the desire I had for him 16 years earlier. OMG that lust we once had was so unbelieveable, one that just never seemed to be fed completely...
April 27, 1997 the day after signing the divorce papers there was a phone call at work, asking for a ticket to Roswell New Mexico, it was going to be very expensive and so the voice at the other end of the phone asked me if I would like to go to dinner with him instead of him going back to New Mexico. Unbelieving he meant it, I said sure, and a date we made....
That date became the marker of what I wanted in life, the man who had brought me such lust, and desire, had been replaced....
I now had someone who made me happier and more fullfilled than ever in my life.
He looked into my eyes, he gave me such desire, he completed me, I was what I wanted to be for the first time in my life, he made me feel like ME, I was completed I was a person desired for me not just sex, and he talked to me, he called me, he gave me self worth....and all in one swift swoop, he took it all away, and left me with out a good bye....left me broken and bleeding as tho I was nothing more than a deer along the road as road kill.....never in my life had I been so happy, and never in my life had I been so destroyed, my heart was broken, my spirit was dead, my life was over....
I lived from July 1997 with no soul, spirit, or heart....Moving to little town usa
to make my millions had been my savior, my heart had some healing with the people there that gave me love, and healing.
10 years of Meeting men online, hoping to find one who could take away that pain of loss, bring back those feelings of self worth, hoping to find that one person who could take the place of the one I loved with all my heart, soul, and spirit...but they were all jerks...all such assholes...nnot one was even close....to my ex...or my mr perfect who was not so perfect....
Much had happened since our last meal in 1997, when I told him it was over, I was going to sign the papers to end our marrage, my lover, husband, became my ex...
and I never looked back....until that Thanksgiving day, here he was back in my home, with my kids, grandkids and we were happy... HE stopped in once in a while to say hi, and came to check on me, and ran back to his other woman off and one, and his many friends over in the next town, where he had his other women friends....
IT became obvious that his life was still out of order, and full of chaos, his son had been lost in a custody battle to foster parents when his own parents would not step up and help him with day care, and once again his life was transgressing on a down hill spiral. IT was not December, and he was needing a place to stay, he had lost his job, had no pay coming in and no place to live.
My buisness partner was on the road to being put out of my home with his drinking being out of control once again, and I had made my line and was finally able to stand on it, tellhim he had to move out....he searched the internet for housing and found a place in the state where his son lived and checked into it, yes, they would take him as a placement, and, yes, my ex could move in....
Having two men in my home, and no sexual contact with either of them, working in a church, wow, was i ever the woman at the well with many husbands as far as the church people thought....It was not a situation I would ever suggest anyone to take on. I loved both men but not sexually, we co-existed and found it rather challenging.
Finally the date came for my business partner to leave on the plane for his son, and a new life in a homeless shelter for addicts, a program to help him clean up and hopefully regain the respect of his own self and others.
I drove him to the air port and put him on the plane, thinking I was going to go join him after a year or two, but, its been three years in March, and even tho i still have the desire to move from this town, I will never rejoin him, may never see him again which does make my heart sad, we did share some very good times together but I could NEVER live with him again...
The business partner was now gone, March 21st...and the sexual tension in the house with my ex and I had become very evident....that night, a kiss turned into much much more....but, it was unfullfilled sex, which opened doors into a relationship which was painful, and full of more hurt....
his trips over to the city, not knowing when he was going to be home, the trust issues. Wanting to please him I found myself giving into his sexual needs, only to find myself desireing more than what he was willing to give me, and found myself turned off, lockig the key to my heart away and not wanting to find it again....
A year of him being in my home, many many fights over his coming and going, he finally left. He had a job, had his own apartment, and I had my home quiet, starting to date once again, and life was starting over once again.....
My job kept me very busy, my dating kept me occupied on weekends, but life sucked more than ever, no one could take the place of the man who had left me so broken and loveless, no one could ever take his place, not even my ex whom I had loved for so many years and yearned to be his one and only. His addictions took my place, he never could love me as much as his addictions and I was always going to be 2nd place.
It was New YEars 2010 once again he found himself without a home, with no job, and needing a place to live, and, once again, I let him back in...
this time there was hummility and some form of respect that he had messed up his life, and needed me once again, and, I needed him more than I had ever realized.
We....needed each other for more than just the sex we had enjoyed in our younger years....
Now it seems fitting that our first real date was on new years eve in 1981
we have made it thru many dark times, and
2011 finally joy is in our life....we do not share a sexual bond, but possibly for the first time, we are FRIENDS!!! yes, it is going to be a good year....
Friday, December 17, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Hiding
When I was probably 4 or 5 my folks went to visit my mom's favorite cousin, I dont remember growing up going there it was just one of those things we started doing....they had a daughter my age, well about 9 months older than me. I always felt as tho she was my sister, but, I think it was only in my heart.
As we grew up, I dreaded going home each time I would hide, my favorite place was in this hamper....
I would also hide under the bed....one night I got my hair caught on the bed spring, and my mom cut my hair to get me out....
My hope was that my mom wouldnt find me and leave me there. Sometimes it won me a over night stay, but other times it got me a spanking and told to get into the car......was it a spanking?
I dont remember....
I just know, I hated living with my adopted parents, I just wish I could figure out why...
Recently, this cousins mom sold her personal property so she could go live in an assisted living property. The first thing I was bidding on was a big flower pot. I went to load it in my car and an older woman was lifting it up to put it in her cart. I said oh how sweet are you going to load it in my car for me? She looked at me in distain and said " i bought this, its mine" Well....I had to go check on who bought it...she did....I bought....a hamper...which...I had hidden in years ago.....now, my granddaughter can hid in it, and she is 9....I surely cant remember the two of us hiding in it at 9 but I do wonder how old I was when I found the sanctuary of a hamper from my mom....
Friday, July 16, 2010
Time does fly
My Grandma used to tell me when I went to her house and was bored....
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"
hot damn gram was right!!!!
i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....
Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....
I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!
As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...
going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....
Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....
Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?
Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....
KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!
Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!
Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....
40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?
Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....
I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding
but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...
Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....
When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...
"you just wait until you grow old....time flies so fast"
hot damn gram was right!!!!
i dont remember learning alot from my grandma, but she was sure right about time flying when I got old...I have never felt young, and full of joy, except maybe in my first 12 years...but have few memories about child hood, teen years, married early, and
tonight had the AW HA moment....
Each life I have lived has been hoping someone would make me happy...
wanting a boy in first grade to make me happy....
he finally did and my mom made me give his gift back....
I found him on face book, and after 52 years, he didnt remember me, didnt even know "we" had a thing for 3 years....because, it was in my heart, not his....wow how defleeting that was!
As my childhood was played out feeling sad and left out most of the time, knowing the other girls were having fun together while i was at home feeling sad....
I spent a lot f years in my room, hoping the fairies would come out of my closet and allow me into their life....
hearing the mice scamper thru the walls, oh how it scared me...
going to school seemed to be the place I enjoyed being at, but yet so rejected too.
I always felt like the dufas of the class...
I wanted to be one of the crowd, but never quite fit in....
I would call the girls to ask what they were wearing to school, they woud tell me leotards
i would wear mine, and they showed up in socks .....I was set up and went home so crushed....
Hoping to find happiness, a perverbial carrot before me with a trail of tears and fat....
As I learned the rejection game well, and became the victim of it...
food found me and i devoured it with glee.
Looking for love in all the wrong places, gave me a boost, knowing what i wanted in love
was nothing i had ever thought about....i jumped ship for the first time
while i was sinking in a deep hole of depression....
Leaving my two children with my husband of 14 1/2 years and had gone with him a year and half before we got married, I was only 17 getting married. WTF did I know about love?
Marriage is something sacred, and beautiful, if....you find that one to love for ever....
I had no idea what I wanted in life, with a man, all I knew I felt good with him....at the time, it was not the deep feel good, it was the sexual feel good...and wow does that die out fast....
KNowing nothing more than the need to feel sexual, I went for what I knew I could have if I married this guy....We had never even takled about how many kids, if we wanted kids....
or how we would live our life, what his plans were, or what my dreams were....wow
how young and dumb and in lust!!!
Allowing myself to be used sexually by a boy who was 21, I was 17 and knew nothing about love, lust, sex, having babies, paying bills, or even cooking and buying groceries!!!!
Sex wears out and the lust wears off, nothing to keep us together except two wonderful kids which I walked away from...along with the life we had built together...which was all about him....
40 years later, walking along the dusty roads in the wilderness
alot of regrets, not many joys, many sorrows...
i just want to live before I die....
is that the promised land?
Is that the carrot beyond the olden years?
to want to live that long
I never thought I would live this long, or I would have taken better care of my body
is not funny anymore.....along with "help I have fallen, and cant get up" oh no
the fear of falling is now upon me in every walk....
I honestly do not know If I will live long enough to learn to enjoy life
the work has been hard
the labor has been difficult
and the journey winding
but knowing without a vision my people shall parish
oh give me a dream
where my life can become complete...
Come, walk with me, give me your hand, I dont want to lead
I dont want to follow
Just walk with me and see where we can learn to be I....
When I allow someone to take my picture in a bathing suit
I will have finally become happy with me...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Loosing
for 40+ years I have been over weight
trying to find happiness
following the American dream
thinking as a teenager Marriage was going to bring all my dreams come true
but wait....what was my dream?
to have a nice home, loving husband, and beautiful children....
damn, where did it all go wrong......
trying to find happiness
following the American dream
thinking as a teenager Marriage was going to bring all my dreams come true
but wait....what was my dream?
to have a nice home, loving husband, and beautiful children....
damn, where did it all go wrong......
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