as usuall

nothing new
they cut my hours to 3 days in a pay period, there is no fucking way i can survive on 3 days in two weeks!
What is going on in this fucking world!!!

So many people are getting richer, and everyone else that I know is either barely surviving, or, going under...

This is not the American Dream I was taught to strive for ....my "golden age" was supposed to wonderful, enjoyable, and relaxing, as it is now, I will be working till the day I die.

There is no retirement, and with the business draining all my inheritances, there is no money left.....and no credit left. I dont know what Im going to do, and nothing seems to change for the better, I always said things couldnt get worse but I quit saying that because they did, everything has gotten worse in the last 10 years hell has prevailed in my life.
Church? yeah right, God is there for the chosen....
Somewhere along the line I was rejected....
by all....

visions
seeing things
knowing there is more to life than what they allow a person to receive
the most fun i had in my life was when i didnt live in newton.
ElDorado gave me fun
Potwin kind of did, but, I didnt belong.
Wichita, I LOVED it there, I LOVED THERE, I was a slut there, a drunk, and a bad girl.......
and I loved my job, but, didnt know how to keep it, my boss turned against me, and I was the first one to go, I was not making him money, altho, he was training me to but expected too much too soon.
he pushed more and more responsibility on me and i crumbled, and he knew I couldnt do more, so, he let me go, because he wanted to be able to lay it all on me and knew I couldnt handle it yet, and didnt want to continue paying me.
He used bank ruptsy as a reason for letting me go, but, I never really believed it, altho, he did put a young highschool girl in my place after that, and, when I went back to see him, he didnt seem real thrilled, so it made me feel as tho he really let me go cuz he didnt want me there.

When we left to go to Florida, we didnt have the money to enjoy it, we did some fun things but, not very many and we couldnt spend money, so, it limited what we could do. We saw the free things, and they were wonderful, I appreciate the nature and things we did get to see.
But it wasnt exciting and thrilling, and make me want to go back.
I need to call cousin , ask to rent a house in Hutch, or if he would help me buy one....sell this one....get out of HOMETOWN!!!

Im bleeding, from the rectum, if it is my time to go, I will dye, if people care to get to know me, they need to try now, other wise it will be too late.

If i tell my "christian friends" will they care enough to actually pray for me? Whom do I trust?
no one....
but Him....
He has not been the love of my life, but he has been here for me, and he has allowed me to be me.
He hasnt loved me the way I needed to be loved but I know he loves me. I have not loved him the way he needs either, because he doesnt know what he needs, or wants. I know.....that is my problem...if i cant find what I want, and accept something less, I cant complain about it, or I hear too many people tell me to get out.
They dont understand.....
maybe its a sick kind of love, we are both so needy, and we are all we have, so, what is wrong with that love?
We both are seeking God, and, we both accept each other the way we are.
The only thing I cant accept in him is his bitterness when he has drank too much, that is why I refuse to be around him if he is drunk. That is his problem he cant shake, his dysfunction from his childhood....
but just because he cant be perfect, doesnt mean im going to throw him to the wolves....
He trusts me, I trust him, that is important....

how to survive life and get out alive.....or, maybe just, get to enjoy it!!!

I have never had happiness, nothing makes me happy, I cant seem to find it alone, or with anyone.
It illudes me, it pulls at me like a carrot on the string, but, can never be caught.

Why is it so difficult for me to just say, hey, I dont give a fuck and enjoy every moment in front of me?
Why must I fight for every dime, to survive?

I have worked hard to find a way to make a living, been thru hell trying to make things work, but, nothing works, nothing grows, nothing materializes.
I have given up too soon, I have held on too long, I have nothing left to hang on with.
Why cant I find answers?
Why cant I find sense in my life?
Im 52, shouldnt there be something to show for my life?
I look at DeVinci, he was 56 when he painted the last supper, so, by that I guess I still have a few years to go.
The book of life is written about the people who God decided gave good example of life, they were not all perfect, they were not all rich, poor, or even spiritual, they were people of what life was and is, and always will be built of.
Why do churches crucify those who do not walk the narrow street of goodness?
Is the hell God and our selves throws down on us not enough?
Do we have to be judged by man too?

How can I live in a town who is so judgemental on each other?
One side whines about the Mennonites not standing up for the flag, and, the Mennonites say they stand up for nothing but our God, and lifting arms against another human is not in Gods plan.
But yet the other side of town is "christian too" does that make sense to you?
its hypocracy at its greatest!

I came home so excited, I had a fun place to work, someplace which would give me support, and, allow me to be me.

Boy was I wrong!
The next day, I immediately got shot down by The guy at work, and, found he was going to be really difficult to work with.

Im trying really hard to get along with him, and, trying not to talk back to him, but, allow him to throw his fits, and then, turn the other cheek so to speak!

He is so unnerving, and so abusive, but, he refuses to see it.
He refuses to talk about it, so, I will allow him his ego, and, try to be the , now quiet (loud bitch) used to be known to be...

I speak about wrongs, and speak against evil, in the people around me, but, that is not the accepted behavior.
Speaking gossip and untruth lies is accepted i guess.

Have I fallen into the pit of gossip?
Please forgive me father, yes I have gossiped about people, when I speak of them with out love and concern.

Please forgive me father for my sins, please show them to me, for I know not what I have done.
I have had heaps of coals upon my head, and, I have
been delivered spitefull vengences against me, stealing away the gold ye have given me.

Please forgive me father for my life has been lead as a harlot,
my marrage vows meant nothing to me, for I was but a child when I married, and knew not what I was diving into.
It has taken me many years to understand mans ego, and, his lack of being able to give of himself to woman.
I still dont understand it, or him, and, you expect us to learn all these things with one man?
The christains do. for when we divorce we break the vows, and, the coals of judgement are poured unto us.

I have tried to live in this community since 1965, and, have never felt so rejected and betrayed as I do right now.
I cant call for help because no one wants to hear of it, they have all been with me thru so much already, and my life just doesnt get any better. So why should anyone want to have to listen to more.....?

I had finally found someone i could relate to and hold on a conversation with, and now, he is being taken away!
WHYYYYYYYYYY???????????????????????????????


I swear on the stack of bibles we are not to swear on, that, everyone in my life I have ever had any type of connection with, is always taken away.

And why?
Am I that bad of a person I cant develop friendships and recieve a little respect for having an opinion other than what goes with theirs?

I know Im put with Rob for a reason, I know God sent him to me, I prayed, and, god delivered.
He isnt the person I had asked for, but he has been the helpmate I asked for.
I didnt ask God specifically for a lover, a helpmate, and believer.
I asked God for someone who could help me with the restraunt in HArper, and Rob was sent.
Rob was almost overdosed on drugs, and, when he needed a place to live, I offered it to him in return for help.

Was I wrong in offering a place to live?
it says, in the bible to do so right?

But, I have been told by my best friend, I opend the door to the devil and that is why my life has been hell.

There are lessons God teaches us thru every event in our life, and I truly believe I have been taught so many lessons in my 52 years, but, have not had one person to be able to sit and talk to me about them, only judgements heaped over my head, and, condemnation for being "open" to the devil.

Jesus had to decend to hell to be lifted up to Heaven.
Dont we all have to decend to hell to learn what God has in store for us?

I know Im in the biggest pit hole of my life, everything I have ever believed in and trusted is being tested, and, I have NO ONE TO TALK IT OVER WITH!!!!

They make me feel like Im being self pitying by trying to talk about my problems, they never come to me with their problems,
and I almost have to beg for companionship.
Im just so tired of trying.

I know you probably got tired of hearing me rant and rave maybe that is why you got sick? of me?
but, If I cant talk to someone, Im going to explode!!!!
I tell God everything! but, I never hear him, nor see him, nor feel him. I know he is there only because people tell me he is, I HAVE NEVER had my yes Jesus is Here moment in life!
I was 10 years old when I got baptised.
I knew I wanted to know Jesus and went forward before the church asking to be baptised. They had a class for the kids to take, but, I didnt want to take the class, I just wanted to know Jesus!!!!
maybe that was wrong, maybe I lost my knowledge but, I knew Jesus all I had to do was KNOW HIM!!!!
Does that make sense?
I have tried to tell people here my problems, but, they all walk away from me.
Im sorry Im ranting tonight, just really fed up with life!

mur and muck

Life is just not going anywhere. I guess patience is not one of my virtues, but, I just dont understand what is going on.
We have both put in tons of applications, and no jobs are calling back, or responding. Its as tho we are invisible, and no one cares.
When I try to talk to my "friends" im told to have faith, look to God, on and on, then, they are gone.
Somedays I feel as tho the world is out to get me, took everything away, and now, im alone in hell.
Anti depressents are not the answer, they dont change my circumstances.
Life still doesnt change, and still doesnt make sence.

Im supposed to be entering into my "golden" years, so far, rust and rot are all I have seen.
far from being Gold....
I throw up my hands and say, Ok, you win, you have taken everything from me, now what?
now what......now what....
now what....now what....now....what.....???????????????????????????????????

Beads

I had a bag of beads,
to make a necklace you see.
big ones, little ones, clear ones and cloudy ones.
string, clasp and pliers all ready to start

I laid them all out, such pretty colors, such odd shapes
all as a puzzle waiting to be put together.
As I looked at them, nothing did i see

a long one here, a short one there
clear one, and black one, only pieces that didnt fit
nothing went together, nothing fashionably perfect

oh the dispare I felt
as the pieces of my life, nothing fits
nothing makes sense
nothing looked right
as the tears fell on my cheek
I asked, why, why is nothing fitting together
Some are given diamonds, some are given sticks and stones
why is life so difficult?