nile was changed, but is never talked about in history channel shows about Egypt
are they looking in the wrong places?
they moved the statues, and historical sites, and buried others.....with water.......
I wanted to be an archeologist when i was in gradeschool, but, never thought i would go to egypt so why study what i didnt see a vision of hope for?
I lost hope in life, I lost site of a vision, I allowed man to get in my way
Rick cawthorne was my first knowledge of other races....boys.....
I remember going home to my mom and telling her about Rick and guess what?
he is a boy!
Damn, I dont remember her responce......I wish I could.....
When or why did I shut out her voice?
because she wasnt mine?
because we spoke different tones?
because our frequency wasnt the same?
because our voices didnt speak the same language?
Saturday, July 09, 2005
lost babies
I used to collect baby pictures I found in antique stores, I guess since I was lost, I wanted to give them a home
but, I know this baby.....
Friday, July 08, 2005
cant even remember
I cant even remember what I write from time to time, life has taken on such a nul and void exisitence.
I love to read the postings on postsecrets it is so deep, and so many hurting people have sent in their secrets.
I have wondered what my secret would be, my whole life has been a secret, so, how would i put it down on just one little post card?
no one knew about me when I was born, except my mother. Her husband at the time didnt want to know about me because I wasnt his.....so...she gave me up for adoption. Her mother didnt even know she was pregnant....when I asked her sisters how that could be, they said, "because we werent a close family" We didnt see each other much. But, my mother lived only a short ways from her mother....like just maybe across town....
My bio mother died when she was 35, and had already had 7-8 kids...maybe more...who knows....
Her life was a tragic one, with so much pain, but, yet, no one can really tells us about it, everyone is either dead, or, wanted to keep the secrets.....
"its better to keep those things quiet" was what her sister told me when I found her and asked questions.
Now she is dead too, so, those secrets went to the grave.
She did tell me that my mother was pregnant with the same person she was pregnant with at the same time, but she had an abortion, but she wouldnt tell me who my BIO father was.
My uncle told me if he had the chance he would shoot my BIO father for what he did to my mom, guess he wasnt happy I was born huh....
but he wouldnt tell me what he did, other than give me life....
Being adopted I had always been told I was special, so, I guess I believed my adoptive mom when she told me I was special.
Being born on 7752, I always thought that meant something....special....
so, figured my 52 birthday year would be special, but it wsa HELL ....so.....now I have to hope my 53 year starts something special, cuz, I sure dont want more hell.......
At least I got a hurricane named after me....well, she didnt get full steam, so, she only ended up being
a tropical storm, but it had my name.....CINDY......I think I said that yesterday tho didnt i....
am I loosing it or what?
I love to read the postings on postsecrets it is so deep, and so many hurting people have sent in their secrets.
I have wondered what my secret would be, my whole life has been a secret, so, how would i put it down on just one little post card?
no one knew about me when I was born, except my mother. Her husband at the time didnt want to know about me because I wasnt his.....so...she gave me up for adoption. Her mother didnt even know she was pregnant....when I asked her sisters how that could be, they said, "because we werent a close family" We didnt see each other much. But, my mother lived only a short ways from her mother....like just maybe across town....
My bio mother died when she was 35, and had already had 7-8 kids...maybe more...who knows....
Her life was a tragic one, with so much pain, but, yet, no one can really tells us about it, everyone is either dead, or, wanted to keep the secrets.....
"its better to keep those things quiet" was what her sister told me when I found her and asked questions.
Now she is dead too, so, those secrets went to the grave.
She did tell me that my mother was pregnant with the same person she was pregnant with at the same time, but she had an abortion, but she wouldnt tell me who my BIO father was.
My uncle told me if he had the chance he would shoot my BIO father for what he did to my mom, guess he wasnt happy I was born huh....
but he wouldnt tell me what he did, other than give me life....
Being adopted I had always been told I was special, so, I guess I believed my adoptive mom when she told me I was special.
Being born on 7752, I always thought that meant something....special....
so, figured my 52 birthday year would be special, but it wsa HELL ....so.....now I have to hope my 53 year starts something special, cuz, I sure dont want more hell.......
At least I got a hurricane named after me....well, she didnt get full steam, so, she only ended up being
a tropical storm, but it had my name.....CINDY......I think I said that yesterday tho didnt i....
am I loosing it or what?
yup, it used to be different
when i first had my freedom, i had moved to the biggest town in Kansas, and I LOVED IT.
I could go out when ever I wanted, I could be with whom I wanted, and I could stay up as late as I wanted.
NO ONE CARED!
No one judged me and I didnt expect anyone to care, or notice me, I was invisible, and, it was ok.
but, now, Im back to my home town, and, see people I know, and most of the time they ignore me, or a general "hello" they say "hi, how ya doing?" but never care or want to spend the time to really listen.
When I left for the small town usa adventure, and opened my own business, I left that freedom of male friends, and dating, and doing as I pleased once again, but, became a slave to the business.
It was more than what I could handle physically. There was no one there that came to my rescue, except, friends who wanted to sit and talk, while i had to work, after work, I was so tired and they never invited me over anyway.
I was totally alone, me and my computer.
I had online friends, but, not many who chatted at the time of night when i had time. So I lost a lot of my online friends.
Now, I am home alot and have no one to talk to, my partner and I have built such huge walls around our hearts, we dont talk to each other much. I struck out tonight and told him that at least when I didnt have him around, I had my internet men, dates and a life!
I could go out when ever I wanted, I could be with whom I wanted, and I could stay up as late as I wanted.
NO ONE CARED!
No one judged me and I didnt expect anyone to care, or notice me, I was invisible, and, it was ok.
but, now, Im back to my home town, and, see people I know, and most of the time they ignore me, or a general "hello" they say "hi, how ya doing?" but never care or want to spend the time to really listen.
When I left for the small town usa adventure, and opened my own business, I left that freedom of male friends, and dating, and doing as I pleased once again, but, became a slave to the business.
It was more than what I could handle physically. There was no one there that came to my rescue, except, friends who wanted to sit and talk, while i had to work, after work, I was so tired and they never invited me over anyway.
I was totally alone, me and my computer.
I had online friends, but, not many who chatted at the time of night when i had time. So I lost a lot of my online friends.
Now, I am home alot and have no one to talk to, my partner and I have built such huge walls around our hearts, we dont talk to each other much. I struck out tonight and told him that at least when I didnt have him around, I had my internet men, dates and a life!
hurricane Cindy
Well it seems fitting that on the day of my 53 birthday they came out with Hurricane Cindy, altho, she was down graded to a tropical storm, just never got full blown status.
I always thought since I had a birthdate of 7752, my 52 year would be a great year, but it was the year from hell.....so...hopefully the tropical storm blew out all the shit, and, year 53 will be the start of something GREAT.....
I always thought since I had a birthdate of 7752, my 52 year would be a great year, but it was the year from hell.....so...hopefully the tropical storm blew out all the shit, and, year 53 will be the start of something GREAT.....
Monday, July 04, 2005
52 years of slavery
I will turn 53 in two more days.
Who gives a shit, who cares...my life has been so full, and rich, and, full of struggle, but, no one has taken a ride with me, they are all gone.
Those who are around me now, are non respondent to my needs, and, I find it more and more difficult to communicate with those around me.
What am I supposed to do?
I can only hope partner lands a job this week, his brother is finally leaving tomorrow, or, supposed to..
we were able to get him into a group house project, im hoping it will help him, I sure cant. He is over stayed his welcome now and it is just time for him to move on.
Altho, I dontk now how we will afford him not paying rent anylonger.
I dont want to sound ungratefull for him staying as long has he did but, too much togetherness, is not good for those who dont have a relationship...
How do people do it?
I cant even live with husbands more than 13 years!
Will I make it past that time with partner?
he hasnt ever lived with anyone, wife, or girlfriend longr than 6 years...is it because they finaly kick him out, or he leaves?
wonder what the real truth is....
i know he lies to me all the time, even tho it has taken me this long to see it....
how will i continue living with him, how can i make it better, or get out...cuz i cant stand it the way it is now...
he sure isnt helping me pay bills, that is forsure....
HELPPPPPPP
Who gives a shit, who cares...my life has been so full, and rich, and, full of struggle, but, no one has taken a ride with me, they are all gone.
Those who are around me now, are non respondent to my needs, and, I find it more and more difficult to communicate with those around me.
What am I supposed to do?
I can only hope partner lands a job this week, his brother is finally leaving tomorrow, or, supposed to..
we were able to get him into a group house project, im hoping it will help him, I sure cant. He is over stayed his welcome now and it is just time for him to move on.
Altho, I dontk now how we will afford him not paying rent anylonger.
I dont want to sound ungratefull for him staying as long has he did but, too much togetherness, is not good for those who dont have a relationship...
How do people do it?
I cant even live with husbands more than 13 years!
Will I make it past that time with partner?
he hasnt ever lived with anyone, wife, or girlfriend longr than 6 years...is it because they finaly kick him out, or he leaves?
wonder what the real truth is....
i know he lies to me all the time, even tho it has taken me this long to see it....
how will i continue living with him, how can i make it better, or get out...cuz i cant stand it the way it is now...
he sure isnt helping me pay bills, that is forsure....
HELPPPPPPP
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