The Birth of Jack

I should be ashamed of myself, my first grandson was born August 27th
and, i am just now writing about him.
Naughty grandma!

We are not the closest family. As much as I have tried to stay sane, and, give what i could to my children, i feel it was not enough, for they could really care less if i am alive or dead...

No one ever gave of themselves in my childhood, i have very few memories of people giving me love, but, material things...
my memories are in pictures only.
That scares me, because, why dont i remember the act its self?

My children have not cared to talk to me about my life or want to know.
I thuoght i was starting to have a good relationship with my son, but, i guess i shared too much, because he wont answer my phone calls now.
It breaks my heart, to be rejected by my own son, but, what can i do?

I will send him a box of cookies tomorrow, its going to cost over 12.00.
I know that doesnt sound like much, but, it is almost half of my weekly food allowance...

I had money when they were teenagers, but, only after they were out of the house...

, Their dad kept us from having money to do what i wanted, but had plenty to do whta he wanted.
I sacrificed my idea of vacation for his dream of fame in racing.
We never made a lot of money, it barely paid the cost of the event, but, it was our form of "vacationing"
i spent most of the time being drunk, wishing i was enjoying it with out being drunk...
but, sitting around in the dust, bullshitting with people who never had much to say, was not my idea of a vacation.

AFter his mom and dad and two sisters were killed in a car wreck, i left my emotional sanity at the door for a while...

When i came to, i was dead inside, i needed life, i needed guidence
but, i didnt know who to ask for help, i went to the church, they turned me away, i went to mental health venue, and they just took my money

I ran to other mens arms
learned the excitement was at least a feeling....
my friends lived vicariously thru my actions....

I left my childrens dad, with out viewing it thru their eyes, i just tried to hurt them as little as i could. If i stayed with their dad, and stayed dead emotionally, i was going to damage them even more...

I didnt know how to fix what was broken...from the start....
that was back in 1980, i remarried, and divorced after 13 1/2 years also..
now...
Its taken me 10 years to become more aware of my emotional state of being.
and no one to really share it with, other than my live in partner.
We are not passionately in love, but, have so many reasons we are together...
is, no passion, a reason to leave, and, move away from what companionship i have had over the last 7 years?

i am at a cross road once again, trying to figure out if im going to stay, or leave...leave a place i have not wanted to live since 1964...

My grandson....yes, my grandson, will he even know who i am....

little baby Jack, Nanna loves you. I can only hope, you will know who i am to love me back....welcome to the world...even tho its a screwed up mess....
im sorry, i have given you such a family to be in....

love, Nana

Being poor is....

this website cant say it any better. I started out with nothing, went to having everything, and am back to nothing....
hanging on to a bare thread at the moment, and scared to death!

I have NEVER been to the point i have no money to pay my bills, but, i am damned near close. thanks to the drunk who lives with me. I took him in because he needed a place to live, and because I needed help in life....
we are a perfect fit, except, he has over stayed his welcome, has become a real bum who could care less about anyone but himself.

I am so sick of it, but, yet, dont know how to change anything.
Jobs in this town suck getting paid 9.00 an hour is a "privelage"
they make me feel like I OWE them EVERYTHING for working for a fucking 9.00 an hour, in 25 hour weeks, when they KNOW i cant afford to live on that...

the head elder of the church, complains if i work over time, and, bitches when i
have to wear my other work clothes to work so i can make a fast get away to be to my other job on time.

I have tried to give my self, tried to be nice, and loving, but, im becoming bitter, and angry....
Im deperatly hanging on, i have written on my blog since 2003 i think. When my dad died, i lost my business, and, tried to move, start over and over and over
but, nothing is working...
I dont know what to do anylonger.
I have cried out to the Lord over and over, but, i dont hear anyanswers
I dont know how to make people hear me either....
When i open up, and cry, they shut down so fast, and, back away....
Im dying here, and no one gives a rats ass....

I know there are millions of people out there, why cant i FIND ONE?
Its as tho, I have become invisible, and, unvoiced.
Im ugly, over weight, and down on life, after loosing everyting in my life.

Job, lost everything, and still had faith...
Im trying to hang on, i trully am...
I am just so wishing, and praying, to find my purpose, my will, my desire
my passion in life.
Life is NOTHING WITH OUT PASSION....
I have had most all experiences but, nothing gave me hope in life like when i had passion.

I have cried out to Jesus, and, even tho, He seems to becoming more and more real to me, He isnt the Jesus they protray in church, or, reading from the Bible,
i feel so confused, but yet, no one else seems to "agree" they make me feel like some sort of totally lost soul....

The judgements I have gotten over the few months, have been terribly difficult to walk over. Jesus, had to walk over so many obsticles, how did he do it?
How did he keep his faith, of knowing he was walking in the right direction?

NO ONE in this town is going in the same direction as myself, or, at least no one has come aboard of knowing we are walking together.
My house mate/drunk/ says he is, but, he doesnt have a clue.....
he is just too drunk to have any sanity in his and my life right now...

He is a survivor, but, has lost his will to survive.....he just would rather drink, than work for a living.
He seems to think the money is just going to appear...

He wont admit where he gets the money for his booze, i know im not giving i tto him...and that really bothers me....if he can come up with money to get drunk
he can come up with money to pay bills...but...doesnt....and it pisses me off!
I cannot talk to him anylonger
he only hears me as
"bitching at him"

Dont tell me to go to alanon meetings, those women have lived out of distruction for so long, they have forgotten what it is like to live in it, or, are still living in it, and have no answers....
i have not been able to go to a meeting and "get it" so i quit going...
they say. "keep coming back" it works" but....i gave up....

I get off work, and im just too tired to face other people, so, i stay home
and get into my pity parties alone, at least i dont have to face others who dont get it either...

I just feel as tho, my life is drifting past me, im gettin older and older, but, not golder....
crotchity, and aches and pains, and mentally dissassociated

Im so sorry, i have failed so badly
I never have amounted to anything
i let my parents down terribly
I ended up divorced twice, which, even once in my adopted family was too many times!
It was nothing in my bio family to have people married, divorced, still married to first wife, while married to second, third, fourth....
shit, who knows how many wives he had!
and how many kids
his name was ROY ROOKS
if anyone is his kid, give me a holler
there are 7 of us that we know of, and im not sure if he is my bio dad, but, his wife was the mother of my other siblings
her name was Alberta M. Epperson/Rooks/Fisher

this is a long ways from my original beginning statements, but, this is where i began...
1952
Born of a poor woman
and the beginning of my daily blog is....what it is like to be poor....
back to my bigginnings

is he going to run?

know I send out way too much junk, I hope you have room for one
spiritual mailing....

(the following websites are about Mother Teresa and how she lived with out knowing God, but her faith was big enough to keep doing what she felt He had called her to do.
Im still in AWE of Mother Teresa, and, learning she lived in the dark most of her life....
it came at just the right time for Us, and more and more is being revealed, please keep praying....

He is wanting to run, I know he is, he is scared, he doesn't understand the new world, and he misses his territory of hell....I am not sure he has tasted the good life, enough, with me, to want to go forward. Our life in Florida was just an existence, we couldn't afford to do fun stuff,
and, our business ventures havent been very successful....yes the bbq is doing good, but, not making money ....I know it takes time, but not sure I have time before my bills are not paid....he has led me to believe he is sincere with his yearning for the Lord, but....his actions lately make me wonder....



I don't know if he will come thru or not, I want my faith to be big enough, but, if its not Gods will, please help me to stay standing as I sink in sinking sand....does that mean my faith was not big enough?

"From the dark night of mystics such as Mother Teresa, we can learn "how to behave in the time of dryness," a preacher said at a mediation in the presence of the Pope.

The whole article is about the silence of God in Mother Teresa's life. anyway, I just thought you might want to read it..

http://WWW.zenit.org/phpdf.php Dark nights

"Through such an experience "the mystics have arrived with in a step of the world of those who live "without God" to the etent that they become "the ideal eveangelizers in the postmodern world, where one lives as if God did not exist"

I have lived there, I have sinned, and I have asked God to forgive me, I still have trouble believing he has forgiven me, and I can walk free of the guilt, and power the sins had over me....

He , on the other hand, I am not sure where he stands.... he claims he was born again several years ago, about the time, I thought I was, but, I have found, I maybe was born again, but I never started over....I just kept plodding thru the muck

We have both walked in the dark night as mother, we just havent learned to use the pain to keep walking in the joy of knowing we are walking where are supposed to be walking....

one grows where he is planted, but, why are the roots so short....

even tho, they should be long.....

Supernatural

supernatural
adjective
Of, coming from, or relating to forces or beings that exist outside the natural world: extramundane, extrasensory, metaphysical, miraculous, preternatural, superhuman, superphysical, supersensible, transcendental, unearthly. See supernatural.
Greatly exceeding or departing from the normal course of nature: preternatural, unnatural. See usual/unusual.

Is anyone going to follow the new Supernatural Show on CW channel this fall?

This has been a journey thru Kansasgals head

I started this blog when I was at my lowest ebb in life, I really didnt care if I lived or died.
I felt no one cared, and no one really gave a shit if i lived or died.
I had lost my buisness, my dad, his inheritance, my love of my life, my mom, my marriage which meant everything to me, and the fact that, nothing was working in my life.
Everything I did, turned to shit, and I just didnt know where to turn, or what to do anylonger.

I needed to have something to believe in

I needed someone to believe in me.

My marriage was over at least 1 year before It ended, but, i hung in there for 12 years hoping it would work out...But as much as i loved him, he couldnt show me he loved me back, other than a great sex life, we had money, we had a home, we had everyting, except, intimacy....nothing together other than material things....and lust.....

I left him, and he set me free.

I wanted to regret leaving and having lost yet another marrage, but.....i had died inside and really didnt feel anything anylonger.
Going to California for a "getaway" to meet an online friend, got me nothing but raped, and, finished emotionally.
I went home with out what i had hoped for renewed feelings for my husband, instead, came home with shame, and fear he would find out i had un-intended, un-invited, sex.
The guy in california, lied, did everything he could to get me to have sex with him, even tho he had promised he was just a friend who wanted me to come out and visit and get my head put on straight.
I have not told many people this, but, it is finally time to tell it.
I had just gotten my computer, I was finally "connected" to the world.

I wanted nothing more than to find my bio family, my little sister, my little brother, anyone else whom I had not found yet. I joined a chat room for adopties. Back then, in 1995-6 it was easy to hook up with people, and, just made a new family. We had a good time chatting about our hunt for family, and brought joy when a find happened.
They even had reunions to meet each other on the chat room.

My marriage was on the rocks, bad choices had taken us into a stupid decision of trying to raise EMU's and, loosing our money, things were going down fast....
I walked out, I left him, to deal with the mess himself....for that I am sorry....
but....he gave me nothing to hang on to....

after I got back from California, the fear of him finding out what had happened in California
made me want to move out even faster.
I ddnt want to hurt him by him finding out....I NEVER EVER wanted to be unfaithful to him.....
and I was, but not by choice. The only choice I had was a bad one, I choose to go to California...which...was the bad choice.
I had an awesome time, but, with the wrong person.
I should have pushed my ex to go with me, but, instead, I flew into another mans arm's.
But NEVER intended on having sex with him.

After the incident, he made me feel like shit, and, treated me horribly.
He was the most awful man I have ever met in my life, but, yet online he was so "sincere, so loving, so willing to be my "soulmate" The person who understood all my thoughts, and feelings.
Oh boy was he practiced! Funny thing is, the internet wasnt even out there very far, so, he was a fast learner or had been practicing on realife women for many years!
He talked me into bording a plane and flying half across america to just "visit" in real life.
yeah right, he immediatly started trying to get me into bed. He didnt STOP until he had worn me down, and, after, he says "oh God, I feel so dirty"
and refused to talk to me, actually took me to the airport, dumped my bags and left while i went to the bathroom. WHAT A JERK!
I forgive him, as I hope my ex has forgiven me. I am sure he found out, but,
never said anything to me. I had left my journals there when i moved out. Sigh, I think he read them.

He ended up having a meth lab in our home, and got caught, ended up in prison, and, has done his time, but, we never could reconnect, we tried, i tried, but, with out the sex he wasnt interested. I had to let him go this time....it tore my heart out, but, its over ....

I didnt date another man until the day i signed the divorce papers of a divorce i never wanted.
I loved him so so very much, or, should i say, lusted after him?
We had such good sex! WOW....

Its been 10 years since the day my mister wonderful rang the phone looking for a ticket to New Mexico.
He made a date with me, which I never expected to happen.
He totally shocked me when he actually showed up to my door, and, had me at hello.
His gorgeous Blue Eyes, oh my GOD MOMENT....

We sat and talked for hours before we realized we were hungry.
He asked where I wanted to go, we drove across town to get there, but, it was so crowded, we decided to go to another place, which, ended up being perfect. quiet, alone, we talked more....
stared into each others eyes....
i was so shy, i couldnt look him in the eye, but....i felt as if he was looking into my soul....
I just didnt know how to look back....
We went to the mall, walked hand in hand looking into the windows of material things...
He was excited about his new job, he was going to be able to buy things he said he had hoped to buy for years.
My thought was that no one had ever walked in a mall with me hand in hand just to look in windows....
Both ex husbands hated shoping, hated malls, and we were never shopping for the same things.
He took me to a movie, Dr Do Little....
His seduction started at the movie, as, his fingers started running along my fingers.
As his finger followed my arm up to my neck, then around my neck....
oh i wanted to melt in his arms...but...not afraid....
no fear, no emotional skill to keep from walking into the den of pain, vulnerable, i wanted that attention so badly.... I was not prepared for his seduction, his most incredible ability to make me feel so at ease, and so vulnerable....
to feel so connected to
was it a lie?
was it a deception?
what felt so real......
how could it cause so much pain?
how could he have killed me and left me on the highway to hell....?

how could something so beautiful be so ugly in the end?
I still dont understand why he came into my life, the beautiful experience the short 6 weeks of passion, desire, and being made to feel like such a queen, then, one day, he was gone, no goodbye, no notice, just gone. How could I be so stupid to believe he was into me, when he was only there for a minute then gone.
It was such a sureal experience, the pictures I took, didnt develope, the hat he left on my couch the last day he was there, the goodbye with out the normal, see ya when he left...
How did I fall so deeply for him, when, he was only there to distroy my heart...it took me so long to get over him...and, may never be able to trust again...
I always believe things happen for a reason, what was his reason for being in my life.....
so many questions....and never any answers...

Beautiful prayer.....

This prayer has been prayed as of today, August 17, 117220752680211171422 times...
it was sent as an email where you add a number to it everytime it is read, and sent on...
please join the prayer, it will change the world...

this is my prayer to you.
PRAY THIS EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!!


Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way.

I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

I pray for those that will delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those that don't believe.

But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households.

I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

Father God, I love you and I need you, come into my heart, please.

Know that you are blessed by the person who sent this to you

"If you want peace, work for justice." Henry Louis Mencken

We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Martin Luther King Jr.

Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase. ... Martin Luther King, Jr