Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 11, 2008
It has been along three weeks.
My partner left on the 21st of March, I had looked forward to him leaving so I would not have to baby sit for him anylonger, and, be able to "relate" to the ex....all the while, thinking it was because Partner was in the house that the ex would not talk to me.....but....found out, he just really hates being in the same house as me. He has not worked for 4 weeks now, and, been home only one or two days during any given week.
The one week he stayed home for 2-3 days, it takes him 3 days to become human again. We have shared a few crumbs of niceness between each other, but, I know its not enough to want it to be more for him I guess.
I get so angry at myself because I try so hard to get his attention, and all I do is become desperate, and push him further away.....
What is wrong with me?
Why is it so difficult to make friends with the males in my life?
As long as I gave sex, they had interest, but they gave nothing to keep the sex life exciting, so, I lost interest. Loosing interest, gave way to complacency, in my own actions, and believes.
I have forgiven them over and over for the way they have rejected me, and have asked for their forgiveness.....but they NEVER ask for mine!
So, its time to move on... a new chapter in my life without the two men who have hurt me so much. Actually Three....or....Four....if i go back to the beginning, it was my father who ultimatly hurt me....
but yeat i only have foundness for my daddy....
but why...do i have such a bad emotional being....such bad relationships....
why cant i relate......
I want to hate them so much, but....i cant.....why not.....
and why......
Partner is gone....we can only talk on phone once a week, and text once in a while. I miss him terribly, but If i talk to him more than a once a week....we will not stick with our plan of being apart a year, and alowing us both healing.
Things are so much more strange with the ex now, and I would honestly never recomend anyone living wiht their ex...its just too difficult to face the failure of marriage everyday...the desire of wishing it was still workable....
the pain of knowing its over, but having to be with him when he is around, and when he is not around the apain of knowing he wants to be with others....and not me....
The one week he stayed home for 2-3 days, it takes him 3 days to become human again. We have shared a few crumbs of niceness between each other, but, I know its not enough to want it to be more for him I guess.
I get so angry at myself because I try so hard to get his attention, and all I do is become desperate, and push him further away.....
What is wrong with me?
Why is it so difficult to make friends with the males in my life?
As long as I gave sex, they had interest, but they gave nothing to keep the sex life exciting, so, I lost interest. Loosing interest, gave way to complacency, in my own actions, and believes.
I have forgiven them over and over for the way they have rejected me, and have asked for their forgiveness.....but they NEVER ask for mine!
So, its time to move on... a new chapter in my life without the two men who have hurt me so much. Actually Three....or....Four....if i go back to the beginning, it was my father who ultimatly hurt me....
but yeat i only have foundness for my daddy....
but why...do i have such a bad emotional being....such bad relationships....
why cant i relate......
I want to hate them so much, but....i cant.....why not.....
and why......
Partner is gone....we can only talk on phone once a week, and text once in a while. I miss him terribly, but If i talk to him more than a once a week....we will not stick with our plan of being apart a year, and alowing us both healing.
Things are so much more strange with the ex now, and I would honestly never recomend anyone living wiht their ex...its just too difficult to face the failure of marriage everyday...the desire of wishing it was still workable....
the pain of knowing its over, but having to be with him when he is around, and when he is not around the apain of knowing he wants to be with others....and not me....
Sunday, March 23, 2008
so sad today
my partner is gone, i had to kick him out, and it was only by the grace of God that
he does not have to live on the streets. I have prayed for his addictions to be healed, for his soul to be comforted, and for his life to be changed.
I cannot do anything more.
There is nothing i can do for him, he has lied to me, cheated on me, given me false hopes over and over, and stolen from me for the last time.
I miss him terribly tho, was i that desperate for friendship, to allow him to treat me like shit
and, now, my ex, is doing worse to me....
When he told me he had no place to live. I knew my partner was going to be leaving.
I knew my life was going to change, i also knew i didnt have a job to support me. I cannot make enough money to keep bills paid while living alone.
I have never been totally alone, with out money, with out friends, and with out
parents, i was so looking forward to having ex move in, just for the company...
and, yes, hopeful repair of our marriage which ended 10 years ago.
Not that i wanted to be married to him again, just wanted to learn to be his friend.
My own son wont even call me, i have tried to call him, leave messages, texting, nothing works.
AM I THIS TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND?
I Dont want to feel sorry for myself, no one else does....
i want to be care free and fun, but
i have ended up with everyone elses burdens, and no place to dump mine...
They say give your burdens to Jesus....
but, he just keeps giving me more......
the ex is NOT such a looser, he just doesnt care about material things
he is kind, and gentle and so mysterious...and so afraid to love.....
My mission in life is to teach the gift of love....
I had looked forward to being with her, for her friendship always meant so much to me, but, i find she is nothing more than a controling bitch...
and if communication is not found with her, all will be lost...
she totally defeated my love for her when she told me she never liked my dad and the only reason they were in his life was because of mother...
She let go one of her care workers because she said she couldnt stand to see her
called her a threehundred pound cow.
This woman, i had always looked up to, a "good Christian woman" is so full of hate, and bitterness towards who?
She should be happy, and blessed at how her life has been.
She has had everything she ever wanted, and beautiful grandchildren, and she doesnt even what to see them or know them...my mother died before she got to see a great grandchild, she would have loved to see them.
She loved me so much, and gave me so little...
oh how i wish i could say, allthe things i learned from her, but...i cant...
i learned not to be mad, because dogs get mad....
Why didnt she teach me how to not be mad?
how to forgive.....
but she did....just not in words....
she told me the story of how her father inlaw, my grandfather, tried to kill her....
pushed her off of the hayloft when she was pregnant....
how, did she forgive him?
and i never asked questions...
the lady i take care of, told me she didnt want to go to church with her children today because her hair was so awful, and, she didnt want to be seen that way....
how horrible!!!
Yes she is recouperating, and wasnt sure she had the strength to get into church or not, but, she has a wheel chair, and she is too proud to be seen in it, or with her hair undone!
How full of pride can a "good christian woman" be?
The ex was supposed to come over today, to talk about his stuff being here, and his inablitiy of holding down a job, and his inability of being capable of getting his life back on track! of course he isnt going to show up....
he would rather show up if i was just going to spread the ole legs...which, i did
out of need, lust, want to see if it was till there, and yup it is!
he wasnt hard, i wasnt thin, but, we still got it on and it was good!
I didnt want to lie about it, but, wasnt sure how parner would take it, but, he got fucked up anyway, so....he showed me he really isnt ready to quit....
gave me the freedom of being disapointed when he doesnt come home in a year...
I would love to think he would come back, and be the new man he left to become, but
unless he truly has a change of spirituality, he will not be back the new man.
i have accepted that, and, i have not had the new spiritual life
the change of heart, the dealings with life, that can make me a new person....
i have had good, bad, and ugly, and, still dont know how to cope with it.
The pain is unbearable, so heavy, i cry out to God, and, dont hear back....
what is wrong with me?
Am i full of shit, is there not a real life change of life, that the
ministers preach about?
he does not have to live on the streets. I have prayed for his addictions to be healed, for his soul to be comforted, and for his life to be changed.
I cannot do anything more.
There is nothing i can do for him, he has lied to me, cheated on me, given me false hopes over and over, and stolen from me for the last time.
I miss him terribly tho, was i that desperate for friendship, to allow him to treat me like shit
and, now, my ex, is doing worse to me....
When he told me he had no place to live. I knew my partner was going to be leaving.
I knew my life was going to change, i also knew i didnt have a job to support me. I cannot make enough money to keep bills paid while living alone.
I have never been totally alone, with out money, with out friends, and with out
parents, i was so looking forward to having ex move in, just for the company...
and, yes, hopeful repair of our marriage which ended 10 years ago.
Not that i wanted to be married to him again, just wanted to learn to be his friend.
My own son wont even call me, i have tried to call him, leave messages, texting, nothing works.
AM I THIS TERRIBLE TO BE AROUND?
I Dont want to feel sorry for myself, no one else does....
i want to be care free and fun, but
i have ended up with everyone elses burdens, and no place to dump mine...
They say give your burdens to Jesus....
but, he just keeps giving me more......
the ex is NOT such a looser, he just doesnt care about material things
he is kind, and gentle and so mysterious...and so afraid to love.....
My mission in life is to teach the gift of love....
I had looked forward to being with her, for her friendship always meant so much to me, but, i find she is nothing more than a controling bitch...
and if communication is not found with her, all will be lost...
she totally defeated my love for her when she told me she never liked my dad and the only reason they were in his life was because of mother...
She let go one of her care workers because she said she couldnt stand to see her
called her a threehundred pound cow.
This woman, i had always looked up to, a "good Christian woman" is so full of hate, and bitterness towards who?
She should be happy, and blessed at how her life has been.
She has had everything she ever wanted, and beautiful grandchildren, and she doesnt even what to see them or know them...my mother died before she got to see a great grandchild, she would have loved to see them.
She loved me so much, and gave me so little...
oh how i wish i could say, allthe things i learned from her, but...i cant...
i learned not to be mad, because dogs get mad....
Why didnt she teach me how to not be mad?
how to forgive.....
but she did....just not in words....
she told me the story of how her father inlaw, my grandfather, tried to kill her....
pushed her off of the hayloft when she was pregnant....
how, did she forgive him?
and i never asked questions...
the lady i take care of, told me she didnt want to go to church with her children today because her hair was so awful, and, she didnt want to be seen that way....
how horrible!!!
Yes she is recouperating, and wasnt sure she had the strength to get into church or not, but, she has a wheel chair, and she is too proud to be seen in it, or with her hair undone!
How full of pride can a "good christian woman" be?
The ex was supposed to come over today, to talk about his stuff being here, and his inablitiy of holding down a job, and his inability of being capable of getting his life back on track! of course he isnt going to show up....
he would rather show up if i was just going to spread the ole legs...which, i did
out of need, lust, want to see if it was till there, and yup it is!
he wasnt hard, i wasnt thin, but, we still got it on and it was good!
I didnt want to lie about it, but, wasnt sure how parner would take it, but, he got fucked up anyway, so....he showed me he really isnt ready to quit....
gave me the freedom of being disapointed when he doesnt come home in a year...
I would love to think he would come back, and be the new man he left to become, but
unless he truly has a change of spirituality, he will not be back the new man.
i have accepted that, and, i have not had the new spiritual life
the change of heart, the dealings with life, that can make me a new person....
i have had good, bad, and ugly, and, still dont know how to cope with it.
The pain is unbearable, so heavy, i cry out to God, and, dont hear back....
what is wrong with me?
Am i full of shit, is there not a real life change of life, that the
ministers preach about?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The saddest day
for 7 1/2 years i have been pushing for my partner to get clean and sober, and he just keeps getting more stupid. Doing the most idiodic things when he drinks.
I have finally had enuogh. I told him he could not live in my home anylonger.
I have given him, chance after chance, and im done!
I had told him he had to go to the homeless shelter in Salina, but he found a program in Bellingham, so, he is now, in Bellingham. I am trying to fight off anger...
anger that, i have had to quit the job i love, to take on a full time job i dont know if i will even like.
anger that he gets to take yet another "vacation" away from responsiblitiy and
paying bills, to "get sober"
I am glad that he gets to be with his son, whom he left years ago, and they have forgiven him, it is a new start for him, i cannot let my anger over run the joy of his new beginning. It just does not seem fair...
what have i done to have to carry the bills, and try to keep things afloat.
The plan was to have the ex stay with me, but he has not been here for 2 weeks.
I had hoped it was just the fact that partner was still in the house, but, tomorrow we will see. He said he would come and talk things over.
I just hope i can keep my mind, and not get so stupid when we try to talk.
He always seems to twist things around to make me feel as tho its all my fault.
I just want him to grow up, and become the person i know he can be.
I cannot make him change, but, i dont have to allow him to live here when he is
doing stupid things, just like rob!
im done giving place to live to those who are not trying to grow up and becoming
responsible adults.
I can only hope! & PRAY
I have finally had enuogh. I told him he could not live in my home anylonger.
I have given him, chance after chance, and im done!
I had told him he had to go to the homeless shelter in Salina, but he found a program in Bellingham, so, he is now, in Bellingham. I am trying to fight off anger...
anger that, i have had to quit the job i love, to take on a full time job i dont know if i will even like.
anger that he gets to take yet another "vacation" away from responsiblitiy and
paying bills, to "get sober"
I am glad that he gets to be with his son, whom he left years ago, and they have forgiven him, it is a new start for him, i cannot let my anger over run the joy of his new beginning. It just does not seem fair...
what have i done to have to carry the bills, and try to keep things afloat.
The plan was to have the ex stay with me, but he has not been here for 2 weeks.
I had hoped it was just the fact that partner was still in the house, but, tomorrow we will see. He said he would come and talk things over.
I just hope i can keep my mind, and not get so stupid when we try to talk.
He always seems to twist things around to make me feel as tho its all my fault.
I just want him to grow up, and become the person i know he can be.
I cannot make him change, but, i dont have to allow him to live here when he is
doing stupid things, just like rob!
im done giving place to live to those who are not trying to grow up and becoming
responsible adults.
I can only hope! & PRAY
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
the GREATEST PAIN
I so clearly understand the hourglass of time
each day slowly slipping thru the fingers, and never really clearly seeing the reason of each day, never having acknowledgement of living
never seeing clearly the blueness of the sky
each day full of pain, each day, the soul slipping away
each day another full of grace
not realizing the mercy we receive
for not living each day to the fullest, for one reason or another
How can I, help YOU, understand, the reasons for our pain are not found in the medical society
but the society of self awareness
feeling the life draining away
How can you, help, me, undertand, the reasons of our pain are not found in the science society,
but the society of life inscripted into ones mind
the horns have been blown for those to find that life
for the days are numbered and one will never know
unless one goes to find that LIFE
which was brought forward unto
those who were chosen
to not know, why one is chosen is the greatest pain of all time, to never hear the fathers voice, say, well done my good and loyal child
….is…the greatest pain…..
each day slowly slipping thru the fingers, and never really clearly seeing the reason of each day, never having acknowledgement of living
never seeing clearly the blueness of the sky
each day full of pain, each day, the soul slipping away
each day another full of grace
not realizing the mercy we receive
for not living each day to the fullest, for one reason or another
How can I, help YOU, understand, the reasons for our pain are not found in the medical society
but the society of self awareness
feeling the life draining away
How can you, help, me, undertand, the reasons of our pain are not found in the science society,
but the society of life inscripted into ones mind
the horns have been blown for those to find that life
for the days are numbered and one will never know
unless one goes to find that LIFE
which was brought forward unto
those who were chosen
to not know, why one is chosen is the greatest pain of all time, to never hear the fathers voice, say, well done my good and loyal child
….is…the greatest pain…..
and I do not want to die before I have made my mark in life
I have tried so hard to shine
only to feel tarnished and broken
I have tried so many times to find my sanity
to find my soul
to find my one true passion
I have not succeeded
and I am so afraid I will run out of time
before having the chance to do so
I have to answer my deepest desire before I die
or, I will have lived a life unfullfilled
I will have lived a life, not worth the space in time
I will have lived my life with out dots inbetween...1952-????
Are we not to live a life worth imortality?
Are we not to live a life which will send us on to the farthest reach of time into eternity?
Are we not supposed to become the spirit of time, the sand of life, the salt of the earth?
I have tried so hard to shine
only to feel tarnished and broken
I have tried so many times to find my sanity
to find my soul
to find my one true passion
I have not succeeded
and I am so afraid I will run out of time
before having the chance to do so
I have to answer my deepest desire before I die
or, I will have lived a life unfullfilled
I will have lived a life, not worth the space in time
I will have lived my life with out dots inbetween...1952-????
Are we not to live a life worth imortality?
Are we not to live a life which will send us on to the farthest reach of time into eternity?
Are we not supposed to become the spirit of time, the sand of life, the salt of the earth?
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