He got drunk yesterday, I dont know why I cant go to work, and have him sober when I get home.
We ended up having another night filled with his bullshit, and his nasty remarks. I quit talking to him, refused to respond, and just ignored him. About an hour after being totally silent, he got up and went to bed saying, since no one will talk to him, he guessed he would just go to bed. Like that was going to break my heart!
Im so sick of this shit, but I dont know how I will survive with out him. Altho, so far, he hasnt had a full time job since sept for more than a couple of weeks at a time.
If he were gone, would the damn break and a new full time job for me come into my life?
Would a new man come into my life?
It surely couldnt be any worse, but then, I cant say that, cuz for 10 years I have said things cant get worse, and they do.
Nothing has gone right since 1997.
I called his phone after I got off work tonight, for some reason I had a feeling he didnt go to work today....he was supposed to be there from 1-9pm. He answered his phone, which, he normally leaves it at home when he is working. HE said he was at work, but He was having a sneezing fit, and I didnt want to listen to that, so I told him I would talk to him when he got home from "work" I got home, his phone was on the table, and his work keys were on the buffet. I took his keys, and phone, and went to see if his truck was at work, it wasnt. He wasnt at the bar, nor at the homeless shelter. I dont know where he is, and, now Im worried. Afraid he is out driving around drunk somewhere.
He knows the consequenses, and, I dont want to go thru dui bullshit anymore.
Im just so sick of his bullshit.
Im ready for a real man and a lover in my life, instead of living like a sister, and a verbal abusive target of his abuses.
I had hopes of him sticking with this job, and getting into the management of the company, and moving away from here, but, I should have known that was a fantasy that he couldnt fullfill.
He is a looser, I have been told that over and over and I have stood up for him, over and over, but.....
I think I finally have to face it, and do something about it....
now....what?
How do I pull all my shit out of the house and have a sale, and move on...i cant live in this town alone, and I wont live here any longer than I have to....
ONCE AGAIN<>>>> HELP ME!!!!
but there is no one to hear....
im so fucking alone....
and i have no place to turn....
Monday, August 01, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
arms of an angel
It would feel so good to climb up into the arms of an angel, allow them to hold me, let me listen to their heart beat, feel safe, feel loved....again....
being so far from the love of anyone is the loneliest place to be.
Oh to be loved again...
or, have i ever really even been loved?
I know I have loved, but, Im not sure they loved me back, it was more of availability, someone to be with, someone to fill that need at the time.
When I see a couple together and they are truly in love, I think, wow, what a blessing to have a real love from both sides of the party.
I would love to have a lover once again, someone to look forward to seeing, someone who looks into my eyes, tells me he cares about me, some to tell me things i have never heard before.
When a woman reaches the age i have reached we become invisable, no one looks, no one cares.
oh how i miss crawling into bed with the urge of raging sexual lust, but those days are gone, never to see them again.
To touch the chest of a man, run my fingers thru his hair on his chest.
reaching my arms around his body, feeling his biceps, feeling his loins against mine...
Tears fall from my eyes at the thought of those days being gone never to be there again.
Knowing those things are gone from my life. Knowing I will never have those feelings again...I morn my future, I cry at night, in the aloneness of my bed, hugging the pillow out of desire of missing a man on my side.
Being around 300 men yesterday brought me to the reality of my invisableness.
My inability to ever be able to have a man look at me with desire again.
As each one came thru the line to be fed, some good looking, some not, some older with weathered wrinkles in their faces, some younger with hope in their eyes, each one with a story of their own. I couldnt help but look at their hands to see if they had a ring on their married finger.
Some did, some didnt...some spoke, some just wanted their food.
Life hands us each a different cup, and, I dont understand why some of us can not figure out how to fill it, and others seem to have over flowing cups all of the time.
Since the men are all workers of the railroad, getting paid big bucks, and to hear them complain about things that were going on, I just wanted to scream at them, telling them to be thankfull for their jobs, and their lot in life...
I have entered the realms of those who dont know where the next dollar is coming from, and, it is scarier than hell!
being so far from the love of anyone is the loneliest place to be.
Oh to be loved again...
or, have i ever really even been loved?
I know I have loved, but, Im not sure they loved me back, it was more of availability, someone to be with, someone to fill that need at the time.
When I see a couple together and they are truly in love, I think, wow, what a blessing to have a real love from both sides of the party.
I would love to have a lover once again, someone to look forward to seeing, someone who looks into my eyes, tells me he cares about me, some to tell me things i have never heard before.
When a woman reaches the age i have reached we become invisable, no one looks, no one cares.
oh how i miss crawling into bed with the urge of raging sexual lust, but those days are gone, never to see them again.
To touch the chest of a man, run my fingers thru his hair on his chest.
reaching my arms around his body, feeling his biceps, feeling his loins against mine...
Tears fall from my eyes at the thought of those days being gone never to be there again.
Knowing those things are gone from my life. Knowing I will never have those feelings again...I morn my future, I cry at night, in the aloneness of my bed, hugging the pillow out of desire of missing a man on my side.
Being around 300 men yesterday brought me to the reality of my invisableness.
My inability to ever be able to have a man look at me with desire again.
As each one came thru the line to be fed, some good looking, some not, some older with weathered wrinkles in their faces, some younger with hope in their eyes, each one with a story of their own. I couldnt help but look at their hands to see if they had a ring on their married finger.
Some did, some didnt...some spoke, some just wanted their food.
Life hands us each a different cup, and, I dont understand why some of us can not figure out how to fill it, and others seem to have over flowing cups all of the time.
Since the men are all workers of the railroad, getting paid big bucks, and to hear them complain about things that were going on, I just wanted to scream at them, telling them to be thankfull for their jobs, and their lot in life...
I have entered the realms of those who dont know where the next dollar is coming from, and, it is scarier than hell!
Thursday, July 21, 2005
so happy!
I know I shouldnt be gloating over this, but, im so happy....the manager of the mall where my bbq was, got fired today!!!
I have had so many hard feelings over his lack of "business" building skills, in fact he has closed every store he ever worked at, so why they hired him in, was unknown to me, other than, my business failed because of the lack of business in the mall....and, for that I will always BLAME THEM....
Something is changing in the air, i feel as tho the negative crap that has been ontop of me, is being lifted....and, I FEEL SO HAPPY for a change....
I know my past entries have been so full of negative influences, and, self pitty. I have felt so alone, and unheard.
Maybe things are going to start looking up once again.
I just hope, thru all of this, I have learned what ever it is Im supposed to learn, and wont repeat the mistakes.
ok, now, where do I go from here....guess the applications i have put out will tell....
I have had so many hard feelings over his lack of "business" building skills, in fact he has closed every store he ever worked at, so why they hired him in, was unknown to me, other than, my business failed because of the lack of business in the mall....and, for that I will always BLAME THEM....
Something is changing in the air, i feel as tho the negative crap that has been ontop of me, is being lifted....and, I FEEL SO HAPPY for a change....
I know my past entries have been so full of negative influences, and, self pitty. I have felt so alone, and unheard.
Maybe things are going to start looking up once again.
I just hope, thru all of this, I have learned what ever it is Im supposed to learn, and wont repeat the mistakes.
ok, now, where do I go from here....guess the applications i have put out will tell....
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
relationships
As she was growing up, my daughter held a grudge against me because of the divorce between her dad and myself. As she has become a mom, and, wife, she just needs someone to be pissed off at.
I guess I am the one.
I wanted to have a nice fun surprise birthday party for her and my granddaughter since their birthdays are 3 days apart. I asked a cousin of mine if we could come to her farm, and see all the animals, and, then, have her daughter and her grandkids all come so we could all get "re-aquatinted" but my daughter thought that was the most horrible idea anyone could have come up with, she refused to go spend her birthday with people she didnt know.....granted it has been several years since we had seen everyone, like maybe 25 years.....so, I guess it wasnt the best idea I had ever had, but, I thought it would be fun, and it wouldnt cost a lot to do.
Boy was I wrong, and after listening to her bitch about it, she says "im sorry I dont mean to be a bitch about it but...." and I said...."yes, you are being one" and that was all I needed to say for her to turn totally off, and, I have not heard from her for over two weeks now.
I have written to her, sent her cards, and, messages....but, not one word from her.
I dont know what more to do, she has to take some responsibility in the fight, and, as along as she can not let go fo her anger in my part of the divorce, 30 years ago....she will never be a happy person.
I cant make her happy, and no one else can....she has started taking anti depressents, I just hope they help.
I dont know what to do, and, for some reason cant feel the pain of her loss, I should feel something but I dont.
I want to call her, but, dont want to hear the anger in her voice, and dont want to face the rejection of yet another person in my life.
Why cant I just get along with people.....my partner says Im a control freak, but, I dont see it....
mainly cuz he says it when he is drunk...if he told me while he is sober, it would be easier to believe.
how do i make up with her, I have never had a fight like this before....
I guess I am the one.
I wanted to have a nice fun surprise birthday party for her and my granddaughter since their birthdays are 3 days apart. I asked a cousin of mine if we could come to her farm, and see all the animals, and, then, have her daughter and her grandkids all come so we could all get "re-aquatinted" but my daughter thought that was the most horrible idea anyone could have come up with, she refused to go spend her birthday with people she didnt know.....granted it has been several years since we had seen everyone, like maybe 25 years.....so, I guess it wasnt the best idea I had ever had, but, I thought it would be fun, and it wouldnt cost a lot to do.
Boy was I wrong, and after listening to her bitch about it, she says "im sorry I dont mean to be a bitch about it but...." and I said...."yes, you are being one" and that was all I needed to say for her to turn totally off, and, I have not heard from her for over two weeks now.
I have written to her, sent her cards, and, messages....but, not one word from her.
I dont know what more to do, she has to take some responsibility in the fight, and, as along as she can not let go fo her anger in my part of the divorce, 30 years ago....she will never be a happy person.
I cant make her happy, and no one else can....she has started taking anti depressents, I just hope they help.
I dont know what to do, and, for some reason cant feel the pain of her loss, I should feel something but I dont.
I want to call her, but, dont want to hear the anger in her voice, and dont want to face the rejection of yet another person in my life.
Why cant I just get along with people.....my partner says Im a control freak, but, I dont see it....
mainly cuz he says it when he is drunk...if he told me while he is sober, it would be easier to believe.
how do i make up with her, I have never had a fight like this before....
Thursday, July 14, 2005
still no job
its been almost 10 months since closing the bbq, and we still have no real reliable income.
I guess this is the ultimate test of God, my faith, pushing me to the edge of the cliff and watching me squirm...
I have a difficult time believing God is a puppeteer with strings on our lives directing us in his pleasures to see what we do when things get really tough.
I just wish I could see, could have some insight to what is going on in this situation.
The most bizarre things happen with job interviews, people end up with having to be out of office because of deaths, ceo's of companies show up, so they cant make a decision when they tell us they were going to, then, we never hear back, adds are in the paper for 2 months but yet we send resume after resume, and when we call they tell us they are being "very carefull" at who they hire, i mean good fucking greif we are not serial killers or anything!
I have always tried to be a good person, tried to help others in need, tried to be the person who could be relied on, good work ethics, it pisses me off so much I go into a store and those snot nose kids are rude, cant even say thank you, and they get the jobs!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR AFUCKING LIVING?
desperate people do desperate things, am I being tested to see how fucking desperate I can get?
I guess this is the ultimate test of God, my faith, pushing me to the edge of the cliff and watching me squirm...
I have a difficult time believing God is a puppeteer with strings on our lives directing us in his pleasures to see what we do when things get really tough.
I just wish I could see, could have some insight to what is going on in this situation.
The most bizarre things happen with job interviews, people end up with having to be out of office because of deaths, ceo's of companies show up, so they cant make a decision when they tell us they were going to, then, we never hear back, adds are in the paper for 2 months but yet we send resume after resume, and when we call they tell us they are being "very carefull" at who they hire, i mean good fucking greif we are not serial killers or anything!
I have always tried to be a good person, tried to help others in need, tried to be the person who could be relied on, good work ethics, it pisses me off so much I go into a store and those snot nose kids are rude, cant even say thank you, and they get the jobs!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO FOR AFUCKING LIVING?
desperate people do desperate things, am I being tested to see how fucking desperate I can get?
Saturday, July 09, 2005
ok, so now what, boy do I say that alot...
some days, I just guess life is not supposed to make sense!
If we dont walk the straight and narrow lane, is life not supposed to be an adventure?
are we not supposed to live life to the fullest?
does that not mean, we will make mistakes, we will do bad things, we will not always know how to fix what we fucked up?
BUT<>
some people learn earlier in life....
some people do right most of their life....
I remember the struggle I had with my first adulterous adventure....
I knew it was wrong, but, I couldlnt live in what was supposed to be blessed by God, and family and friends.....
I did what I thought I was supposed to do, I went to minister, I went to councelor, I went to husband, I did not go to family, or friends, altho, friends knew I was in trouble, having problems making my life feel right in marrage.
divorce was not as acceptable back then, but, my grandparents died, and i felt more freedom to get divorced.
I prayed for an open door, a way out, the money came in, the doors were open, a place to live was provided, and, it was ok to leave.
Things happened too fast, so smooth, and the children were hurt as minorly as possible, altho, there was pain for our children, but, I can only hope it was the least amount of hurt...I never wanted to hurt them.
I just new I couldnt live the lie anylonger.
that was 1969-1981.
our friends where his friends, so, no one followed along with me, and my friends have all been spuratic, and short termed.
so, im alone.....
and no one really knows how alone.
If I dont call someone, no one ever calls me. I have finally quit calling....
if they dont want to talk to me, then fine....i can remember my mom going thru that....and she had two sisters to call everyday.....they all talked at least once a day, even if just a few minutes...
Its ok....I will make it, im strong, but, its been difficult....
but, the thing I miss most is laughing....
no one in this town has a sense of humor....
welp, i guess its over for the night
short winded tonight....
maybe the world will end soon....
2012 has been a projected date....not far from now....
If we dont walk the straight and narrow lane, is life not supposed to be an adventure?
are we not supposed to live life to the fullest?
does that not mean, we will make mistakes, we will do bad things, we will not always know how to fix what we fucked up?
BUT<>
some people learn earlier in life....
some people do right most of their life....
I remember the struggle I had with my first adulterous adventure....
I knew it was wrong, but, I couldlnt live in what was supposed to be blessed by God, and family and friends.....
I did what I thought I was supposed to do, I went to minister, I went to councelor, I went to husband, I did not go to family, or friends, altho, friends knew I was in trouble, having problems making my life feel right in marrage.
divorce was not as acceptable back then, but, my grandparents died, and i felt more freedom to get divorced.
I prayed for an open door, a way out, the money came in, the doors were open, a place to live was provided, and, it was ok to leave.
Things happened too fast, so smooth, and the children were hurt as minorly as possible, altho, there was pain for our children, but, I can only hope it was the least amount of hurt...I never wanted to hurt them.
I just new I couldnt live the lie anylonger.
that was 1969-1981.
our friends where his friends, so, no one followed along with me, and my friends have all been spuratic, and short termed.
so, im alone.....
and no one really knows how alone.
If I dont call someone, no one ever calls me. I have finally quit calling....
if they dont want to talk to me, then fine....i can remember my mom going thru that....and she had two sisters to call everyday.....they all talked at least once a day, even if just a few minutes...
Its ok....I will make it, im strong, but, its been difficult....
but, the thing I miss most is laughing....
no one in this town has a sense of humor....
welp, i guess its over for the night
short winded tonight....
maybe the world will end soon....
2012 has been a projected date....not far from now....
BTK biggest man hunt in Kansas
BTK killer, confesses to 10 homisides, video taped confession exsists.
he had an 11th victim picked out, but its not sure if he would have followed thru.
PJ Wyatt was not a part of it, only her class.
Rader, something not right about this whole thing....
extensive coverage seems to be bringing out more and more, but, i thought last winter they said they didnt have any clues from things such as responses from news paper adds, subliminal tv shots, survalence camera caught him delivering a message, wouldnt he be smart enough not to give himself up that way?
guess he wasnt as smart as he thought he was.
he had an 11th victim picked out, but its not sure if he would have followed thru.
PJ Wyatt was not a part of it, only her class.
Rader, something not right about this whole thing....
extensive coverage seems to be bringing out more and more, but, i thought last winter they said they didnt have any clues from things such as responses from news paper adds, subliminal tv shots, survalence camera caught him delivering a message, wouldnt he be smart enough not to give himself up that way?
guess he wasnt as smart as he thought he was.
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