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If your Thankful, was it because of Missery?

It has taken me a while to allow this to really sink in, and, I knew this is where I wanted to be walking, and, always thought I was thankful for the good things in my life, but, my best friend, the other Cyn, pointed it out to me that my blog was full of ungratefulness. To her, I say, thank you for allowing me to be in my "missery"
Thank you for being there with me thru the bad, and the good, and, now, being gone for which, I say. "I miss you so much!" It is not until one has lost so much that even the little things like a phone call is missed, and, wished upon.
For the being different, and allowing those differences to grow a friendship, and not turning against each other, to be sad, and allow the other to bring forth laughter which produces tears. That is what friendship is all about, again, " I miss you so much!"

We had a Thanksgiving dinner at the church where I work, and, this is a passage which was read out of the book "If Your Christian, You must be from Missouri"

"One little word explains so much. Give thanks in all circumstances – the verse says in, not for. We are not asked to give thanks for cancer or heart attacks or unemployment or tragedy or costly and painful accidents, or violence or war; but in all those things – in everything – we can give thanks. God is with us in all circumstances. If we open our hearts to Him and hold on to Him in faith and hope and love, God will see us through. God will sustain us, deliver us, save us. It is God’s presence with us and his watchful care over us that are the real source of thanksgiving. In all things we can be grateful, because nothing, not even death, can separate us from the love of God."

With Thanksgiving coming up next week, and being 1/8 Cherokee, it is with mixed feelings I say "Thank you Lord"
The "American Indians" were gracious hosts to the new white man on his shores, only to have the white man take over and distroy the garden of Eden they had before them. But passing the many circumstances, God is with us ALL OF US, how we deal with it is all that counts.
So, is it because of the "bounty from God" that we white men can give thanks?
or..... Giving thanks for the many circumstances in which eyes were kept upon a God that brought them thru the many misserable moments, crossing the seas, starvation, and, wars against a dark skinned man who wanted to protect his land, that they could give thanks and we still celebrate today? Once again, the shores, the boarders, have been crossed with a multitude of other men, women, & children.
Will we find the blessings in the circumstances or allow it to distroy what we now call our own?

THE SECRET

Rest in Peace

Emma Louise my sister died... Sept 8, 2006, she was 58.... the same day we laid my adopted daddy to rest in 2002, the same day they laid my baby sisters adopted momma to rest in 2005, strange isnt it....

October 19, Judy, my friend who talked me into moving to Harper, small town USA, passed away on her birthday....she was 55. May they both, rest in Peace....

I know that God lives

Words of Job,
"everyone who knows me avoids me..............
If only my words were written in a book, better yet, chiseled in stone!
Still, I know that God lives----the One who give me back my life--- and eventually he'll take his stand on earth.
And I'll see him----even tho I get skinned alive!---See God myself, with my very own eyes, oh , how I long for that day! paraphrased from The Message

I love it!!! The introduction of Job in The Message says that Sufferers attract fixers the way roadkills attract vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility with answers. Actually, i have found no one with answers, other than telling me to kick the devil in the balls and start praising God!!!

I loved it Friday as I was grieving the passing of my sister, and the leaving of my partner one of the ladies from the church comes in and sits her ass down and pretends to be so sympathetic to me, listens to me pour out my heart then immediatly starts telling me how she has no status, about how the board of one of the nursing homes has nilled and nulified her and how she just isnt being listened to. LIKE I REALLY CARED ABOUT THAT AT THE MOMENT????
I didnt mean to be unsympathetic to her "problem" but I guess she really had nothing to say to me so to dump her lack of self worth on me too. She is one of the biggest problem makers in the church, causes people to not want to take on jobs and causes much hurt in peoples feelings because she jumps on them for not crossing t's and dotting i's!
Yet she is an ordained minister!!!!!!! HOW PATHETIC!!!!
I looked her in the eye, after her complaining that she had no status, and said " you know, that is what is wrong with this church, everyone has such a huge ego, there is no room for GOD"
Well, needless to say she didnt stay sitting much longer, she gathered her things and left.
I was in NO MOOD TO LISTEN TO THAT BULLSHIT!

I miss my partner, I miss my best friend, I dont want pity from people, I just want a friend!
Someone who says, I know, I have been there, I understand your pain, give me a hug and maybe stand in prayer with me and help me just move on....
The Message says it best....." So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering--- which we simply won't be very successful at anyway--- perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able--- entering the mysterday of looking around for God. In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and--- if they will let us---- join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending; shared suffering can be difnifying and life-changing. As we look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, we see that he has already blased a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow".

"Sometimes it's hard to know just how to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, and unsure of what God wants us to do".

Her pain is over

Emma Louise, my sister, probably the only other person in my life that could look at me and know I was torn up inside is now gone. The window of opportunity to get to know her is now over.
Emmie as I called her, was taken from cemetary of our mom in 1959 by her bio dad, along with our other sister and two brothers, dropped off at his new wife (who didnt know he had another family) in Washington State. From there, taken to an abusive uncle, and then when he was done with her taken to an orphanage where she was sexually abused and made to feel even less of a human being.....she grabbed ahold of the first person who could help her get out of there when she was 18, from there on out her life was one living hell to another one. When I first found my bio granny in 1975, she told me she didnt know where any of the kids were since she had not seen them since our bio moms funeral in 1959. It was several years later that I recieved a phone call from Emmie excited that she thought I was the baby sister who was 2 when our momma died. It took me several months if not a year to convince her i was adopted out at birth, and, that I was not Nancy Jo who was 2 when our momma died.
Over the years of getting to know her, it was only thru snail mail letters since she could never afford to pay off her phone bills, and never had a phone for long. Even tho she never really opened up and told me her hurts and pains in life, she and i had a special emotional bond. I guess that is the sister thing.
Emma Louise passed on last night, alone, in a nursing home, full of bone cancer, she died with her own thoughts and dreams never told, never fullfilled....... Emmal Louise loved her kids more than life its self, and there is so much about my sister I will never know.....for that I mourn, the lost opportunities to know her more.
I love you Emmie.....

the two Cyns

It was an exciting day of my life, 1996, I was on the trail of a new life, taking an 18 month class on Travel, and going to be a travel agent. woo-hoo....I sat at the back table since the only other table was up front and a guy was sitting at it.It was close to time for class to start and a tall woman walked up and asked if she could sit at my table, of course, have a seat.
Hi my name is Cynthia, well, hello, my name is Cynthia also, but my friends call me Cindy. As we chatted during the day, we found we had so much in common, both had daughters with the basic same name, both had the same last name at one time in life, she was born a Lowe, and I was married to a Lowe, here is the freaky part, her dad's name was Jack, and my father-in-law's name was Jack! So it was one of those doo-doo-doo times....That day we became the Two CYNS>>>CIN & CYN....We became good friends during the course of the class, we both ended up teaching the class more than the paid teachers! The school had teachers who wouldnt show up, and, IM STILL PAYING FOR THE DAMNED PLACE!!! We would sit at the back, had the best grades of the class, and, would laugh and joke the whole day, our one of many instructors would get so pissed, thinking we were laughing about her, when she was the furthest thing in our minds. She found the class boring and disillusioned of not being able to learn what she had come to learn. She quit after 4 months of it. I remember the day she quit, I sat and bawled my eyes out because my best friend was gone, and once again, I was alone. No one in that class even came close to being the kind of friend she had been, and, now she was gone. We stayed in touch, altho she lived 50 miles away, and, then, my divorce (at her encouragement) then she moved to another state 6 hours away, and, still, we kept in touch. Calling each other at least once a week, always having a good laugh, and, I thought, we were best of friends.
Over the past two years since my BBQ went bellyup, and, my life has fallen apart, she has insistently told me to get my partner out of my life, and, I insistently kept telling her, I couldnt, wouldnt, and had many reasons why I didn't. Over the past 6 months with it being the worst 6 months in my life emotionally and partner in and out of rehabs, she has pulled back. I havent talked to her but maybe 6 times which was another emotional detatchment. I have called her but she doesnt answer, and doesnt call back. I finally left a message and asked if we were no longer friends. Today I got a shock of my life.
I received an email from her, and, she is not wanting to continue the friendship, which truly hurts, and, I guess she says we have grown apart, and have different phylosophies. I dont know what that means, but, hopefully some day we will be able to sit down and talk about it. I grew up in a family that didnt talk things over, just got pissed at each other, then, didnt deal with it....and apparantly she did the same. I have grown and learned to talk about problems, but, apparenly she still doesnt....I miss her, terribly, and hope we can talk about it, and make things right....I am sorry for what I have done to cause her to back away...please know Im sorry!


Am I this fucking bad of a person? I have always tried to put other people first, i felt safe with them, only to find out, I wasnt safe with them....So, I pull back into my own world, and, keep pluggin on, allowing others to tell me by their actions Im not worthy of their friendship...I dont know how many times I have been in a group of people, start to talk abotu something, only to have someone butt in and take over the conversation, and, I listen to them, pour it out, then they go in their own direction...My partner might be the biggest drunk of my life and, maybe will never change (altho, for now he has sobered up once again) ....I really do miss my other bestest friend Cyn!