flushed- down-

ever have that sinking filling that all was not what it was supposed to be?

all of my life i have been guided by the Christian heritage
adopted out of mormanism

i kept my eyes on jesus, wanting so, to be with him in my walk
i evern fell in love with men with dark hair, beards, feeling it would bring me closer to a G)D so miss understood

so confused
so lost
but yet feel so much different than others who have no god

knowing im saved because thats what they have told me

"Believe upon him and have ever lasting life"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Man I love
or is it MEN....


standing up for a man i loved
who gave me the only sight of what i believe is gods heart
the lust was so strong when we first met
omg i would give anything to be with him
and i did....
family, please forgive me for leaving you...standing on the front porch the day
i drove away....

we have never spoke of that day and how it made you feel....
PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SO BLIND
I didnt see the pain it gave to you
for all i could see was the pain i felt, the hurt and sorrow un healed
my life was so lacking of hope
faith could not take hold
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ after leaving....


I knew not where my soul laid yet
and I didnt know how to love you

I never knew what I was giving up until IT was totally gone....
Please forgive me for not being available for your lives to grow

God knew I needed help with you
he gave me your wonderful dad
your faithful nanna and poppo
how did you feel about being there
did you find great joy and fun?

or was it just sitting in front of the tv
and waiting for mom to come get you....

you had experiences with dad I never experienced in my life
you have been blessed with the family i so wanted, and felt i had lost

after Grandma and Grandpa and LIsa and Kathy left
my family was gone.....Rod and Debby left us, the neuclear was gone

and now, I know Im not the nuclear anylonger

i feel as tho i have been flushed down the toilet
before even getting to sit on the thrown

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Dec 31-2011 6:21pm


and he has treated me so harshly

is it normal to want to spend the day
with the person you fell in love with 31 years ago today....
divorced in 1997, and living back together for 4 years ago today?

we have had some really difficult times over the last 31 years....

but i have stood beside him time after time
with my family turning their back on me over the last year
because i have stayed the trail with him, and he pushes me away time after time...

its like a slap in the face now after asking if we could invite some friends over
for tonight and he refused

and at 4 say's

"im going over to see some friends, Ill be back at 7"

he has yet to come home at the time he ever says some times being 2 days later

tearing my heart out time after time
always forgving what i do not ever recieve an "im sorry" for

how stupid can i be, how much love does one deserve

i think my heart just got flushed down the drain

http://youtu.be/Yl4J1fjuKdg

2012

The days are moving faster, the years have flown by
so many mistakes so few successes
life is the most challenging it has ever been at this point of my life

so alone
so secluded
the only interaction i have that isnt volitile is
those friends on FB
and they arent even people i know

its pretty depressing when my online friends know me better than
my home town friends

i have had many friends in home town
but, im the one who has to invite them out

twice in 3 years i have gotten an invite to lunch with a friend
other than with a realitive

how in the world has my world gotten so small

I have brought men into my life, whom i loved so very much
both have so many friends outside of me
and i am the one who wanted the friends

my tears are silent
my heart grows dull
love given to those i love
the old ones
the ones who knew me as a child
all of my life
i have watched from afar
as others had fun, going to parties
and being their
in the laughter
me...... off by myself watching from afar <<->>

@>->0Mg<=-<@

talking to a boy was always a big cheer
only to have another girl come
take them away

the two i ended up with
were mine, until the sex ran out

sex...over love....

what do we do for love??

10 year death.......is there life again?

ok, life has seemed to illude me,
im not sure how it happened, but loosing my buisnesses, my inlaws, my love, but the one thing that i have lost in life that i cannot live without...is passion...


without passion, there is nothing to live for....
im not suicidal, im just not knowing how to do this thing they call life.....

everyone aroundme has hard times, lots of losses, but they keep going with a smile on their face....
I have been putting on a happy face for 10 years....
and cant seem to get thru it

Blogging hasnt helped there is no feed back, but, it does help me journal my distractions in life the things i have taken interest in...nothing...my feelings
pages over pages of hurt the same pain over and over

the desire to find others who are like minded
who are hurting, and finding ways out of the muk
and puke

Alcoholics have each other

over eaters have each other

only when we find each other

an alien i am
alienated from others by my spirit
my depression
my negativity
my hurt
my pain
my desire to be accepted as i am

i dont even like who i am so why should anyone like me?

we are not #1's yet...

This Dr. Makes so much sense, I pray there are ears that hear and eyes that see

and words to be said....

He claims we have yet another 100 years before Mankind is at the point of becoming fully awakened in the new awakenings.....

give me a shout on your ideas.....

I think its enlightening and refreshing

......Im ready!!

Its a sad and happy day,
it was a closing of an erra which has been so very painful,
of loosing most everything I have ever owned, in businesses which have failed.

The sadness of it started with being told I shouldnt comment on my daughters boyfriends page, that it was creepy and I was like a stalker and weird.

This, coming 5 months after my granddaughter who is 10 crushed my heart after I sent her a text saying "Happy Thanksgiving, I miss you and hope your having a good Thanksgiving" her mom and dad had recently divorced and this was her first holiday without her mom, she had plenty of holidays without me.
I had written to her just to let her know I missed her and was thinking of her.
She wrote back, "Nana please dont text me, im spending time with my Aunt Robin, I dont get to see her very often"

perhaps, anyone else would let that roll of their back, but to me, it was extra crushing to have something so simple as a text message which could have been sent saying "thanks nana, I love you too"

Am I wrong? do grandkids not care about their grandparents anymore?
I always wanted to be my grandma's favorite but I wasnt..

The happy part, is I went out with a new friend today. I had met her a few weeks ago where I work, and we went out tonight for the first time. She is beautiful, I mean drop dead beautiful. I have not been out publicly other than with friends who have known me for over 10 years.....or male friends I had met online, which, never ended up being 2nd dates because I was not interested or they didnt ask again.... this time it was a woman...and no im not lesbian.....altho at times I think.....men have pissed me off enough to become one...

its been 13 years as a single woman, going broke with a dream which flowed down the river of lost dreams. Everytime I drive down town it is a reminder of all of my businesses I have tried and failed, it had become my rut, my excuse not to enjoy downtown activities. She went with me tonight and it was good....to forget about the past pains and hurts and have a new experience with a new friend :)

We went to a nice little cozy kitchen with a quartet of women singing, didnt have a clue what type of music, it was.....way too old for me to enjoy and forsure not her type of music either. We ate and then the music was over and we left.

Sat in her car for about an hour talking, and her daughter called her and asked when she was going to go home to which she said soon, as soon as she hung up, I told her it was ok she could drop me off at home she took me home immediatly.

This is weird, its like it was a date with a man except with a woman, not romantically involved, but to just be a friend is a good thing, one that i have not had happen in a while....in a long while, now will she call me back or do i call her back???!!!!

it is a good day even tho.....and I pray you have enough.....

eventho my kids and grandkids dont seem to need me at this time, I will survive and find there is life after 58 :)

love ya

True Grit

This picture pretty well shows how we feel about being together
something is wrong with this picture, they say a picture is worth a 1000 words
what does this one have to say.....

The Story of Jonah

This little Angle has most probably the BEST story telling skills I have EVER seen!
I would love to listen to her all day, and most probalby get more out of listening to her than all the preachers in my life.

Somehow, I just feel as tho there has been a HUGE piece of the story left out!