Finally have time

When partner is out of town, and I dont have to "babysit" him I finally have time to do some reflection on my own life, what is going on in my head, and how it effects my world. When he is here, I have fragmented time to sit and listen, other wise, Im trying to "hide" from him, mainly when he is drinking. I dont mind his drinking to a point, but, once he hits that point, he demands attention, and, then his ego takes over and he becomes impossible to talk to...that is the point I HATE!

I have been trying to figure out what void he fills in my life, he has been with me for 5 years now, it was to only be 2 weeks!!! BUT....I am forever thankful he has been here, the road I have had to take this past 5 years would have been unbearable without him, or at least without SOMEONE to go down that road alone would have driven me over the edge forsure! On the most part it has been alone, for he can never give me any real advice to go on, but, he is there to vent with, for the most part unless he is too drunk, then it becomes all about him. Our relationship is a strange one at the most! We dont have sex WA WA WA, now actually that is no big deal, he cant get it up, and im too fat to enjoy it! BUT...now that im post menopausal, I should be enjoying a sex life like never before!!!
I miss the cuddling at night, we sleep in seperate rooms, my knees are bad, i have to have pillows between the legs, (sounds sexy huh?) and it is just too much trouble trying to sleep in one bed. Even if I try to sleep in same bed, he has no clue how to cuddle and enjoy laying together....so, i long quit trying.
I miss that with my ex, our sex life was GREAT and I loved waking up with him in the mornings. I miss him so much, but has made it clear by his lack of action since being back in town, he isnt interested in even having a friendship with me. I let him know partner was going to be gone this week and there was dead silence on the phone, then i made a joke about it and he said "i have to go now ok?" what if i would have said, NO its NOT ok....I want you to come over.....I wanted to so badly but didnt....i just said, ok, call me sometime, click, h e was gone....
I cant take that rejection, i lived with his rejection for so many years....
even tho our sex life was great in bed, our life on the out side was so empty.
He had his own friends, and, unknown to me his drug life I didnt recognize, as I have written about in earlier posts. He was always too drunk to go to family reunions etc, so I quit trying to get him to take that part of my life with me.
Partner now, loves going to family things, he supports me fully in all I want to do and where I want to go, but...now, I have no family reunions because I have no family left! My cousins get together but dont invite me, and Im not going to invite myself, so, I just dont go. since daddy died not one cousin has called and said, hey how you doing? They were all there during the time of the auction, but, that was to get what they wanted, then they were gone.

I taped a history channel show about Lynn Swan, it was GREAT, and, the host was Howie, OH MY GAWD looks like "JD"....the one who broke my heart.....I was in lust all over again thinking about "JD" I watched it two times just to see Howie and relive the fantastic moment in my life when JD was there.....then....
i taped another show, and, went back to rewind it and the fucking VCR ate the tape!!!
I am just not supposed to have reminders of JD in my life! Even when he was in my life, our last day together , unknown to me that I would NEVER see him again. I took pictures of him, and the camera didnt flash, and, no pictures came out! HE is basically just a figment of my imagination...no proof he was ever there....
just a fading reflection of what never was to be...to be really happy, to be with someone I love, and want someone to love me as much as I love him....false expectations, false emotional forbearence, unknown mental abilities to cope with life as it has been, as it never changes.
The one of a few times in my life I was so happy, and it was stripped away, zap, gone....and the only way to deal with it is just not think about it, put it in the crevouses of my mind that dont get opened very often, to hide it away from my inner most feelings, and bury it deep where no one will ever know the pain, again....those, are the things my life have been built on....they say it makes a person strong to go thru painfull experiences, but, im tired of being the "strong one" It builds character, I dont have a way for all of my "character" to come out so what difference does it make?